Chapter 88 - Until It's Gone

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30 minutes later. 

Back in the room, already redecorated with the furniture, posters, and even weapons reserved for the Crusaders,  it looks as good as new, especially when it concerns those who were initially called back for the duties of those who didn't need it, now remain where they can be. It's almost spotless in every corner, whether it's junk food or stray clothes littering the floor. It's almost like the hall room is where they reserved where the mess should be, and a thankful one at that too. 

And yet, there's still a sense of unease present in it as usual. 

Kamis bounces a tennis ball near a wall next to the windows as he glances around at his own reflection on the glossy surface, each hit following the same impact and velocity from each throw he delivers to it.  And it's not just the impact, but also the sound it echoes around the room, which depending on the user's strength, can be loud enough to be heard outside the room. With a strength like this, it's almost like there's one sort of energy Kamis is focusing on, something that only a few may understand what it is. 

Why does it have to be me...? I reap every reward I can get by killing the Zlocs,  piloting a badass plane, and getting celebrated with the others and I still don't get my respect...?! I'll show them alright, I'll show them who has a head that's genuinely full of what matters...! Such thoughts run through his veins with a fiery passion, almost like an endless flow of lava that keeps its path no matter how many obstacles it encounters. Except in this one, it's more of a flow of grief than total destruction, all stemming from the loss of a home. 

Having a group of teammates flying alongside him was supposed to be the best remedy for this emptiness inside of him, something that could fill him up in moments when he's lost on his own, with no home to call to, no loved one to be with or talk with, not even a mere familiar with him is ever present for him after the loss he has. Even as the ball slips from his hand and falls down, he doesn't lose his focus as he picks it up once more, being just as determined to get it for himself. 

But it seems no matter how he feels and how he does in his surroundings, there's always a bout of self-doubt following him through while keeping a smile. Even during the moment that feels like a big reward, Kamis always feels that there's something more than just that, something that can keep him living for as he can. Even when it seems that they know him well, it still returns to that stage of his. As much as he flows his thoughts like lava, it still feels like a caged being, yearning for something more. 

To erase the hole inside of him. 

Just as more of these thoughts run through his mind, two knocks are heard outside the door, loud enough to make Kamis drop the ball again while letting out a sigh with his stooped posture, the movement around his arm and hips almost lacking in energy as he slightly glances at the door behind him. 

"Kam? You OK there?" Rosa says, the team leader who looks for the squadmates as usual. And yet Kamis doesn't reply, at least not yet. How else will he explain such a state of mind to someone like her? Would she, in his mind, understand what he goes through? Only time will tell at that hour. "Kam, I know you're there, but you don't have to hide it like this, so please let me in." Silence still follows, the doubt still lingering inside of him. It goes on like that until he sighs once more. 

"Sure, whatever." With that, the door opens, revealing Rosa as she enters the room, her eyes are narrow yet her gaze is still highly focused on Kamis, in a way that she can follow her duty as the leader of the team, even outside the dreary battlefields in the air. Even when she clears her throat and folds her arms behind her back, the purpose of what she intends to try with Kamis is not lost on both of them. 

"So yeah, Luana may have stepped a bit too much with her joke. But still, how does it feel to get yourself locked like that?" Rosa asks as she still focused on Kamis, which makes him glance away from her while keeping his stooped posture and in sight of the radiant sun in front of him. Something like that can't be easily answered in a time like this. 

"I don't know how it feels. Let me think a bit more of it," Kamis replies. 

"You've avoided the calls from your companions to talk to you whenever they tried to ask you about what you endured, questions coming from the bottom of their hearts. What are you trying to say that you don't know how you feel?" Rosa says sharply, which makes Kamis grunt in response as he sits down near the bed next to him, still avoiding his gaze towards her, no matter how much he wants to admit it. Rosa approaches for a little bit but is still not close enough to see if something else arises. 

"I told you I don't know, alright? Well... Nothing, I'm feeling nothing right now." 

"Well, that feels like saying nothing is wrong with you." 

"It's better than anything else, Rosa. Trust me, it's what keeps me alive." Kamis then shifts around to see a battered paper poster near the wall on the bed, showing what seems to be a map of a touristic spot in what was his home, one with lots of gardens and big towers that kept a nice view of the city from that side at all times. "To know that there's nothing else in life that can fill you up like juice, to ease the hole inside of you, it's what's best for me." 

"But why?" 

"Because it's what I've felt ever since that day. Where I lost everything. But just perhaps, hopefully, going all the way to destroy every single one of these Zlocan assholes, is what can fill me up for a bit.  The cure I need for this emptiness inside of me." 

"You think it truly will like that?" Her words make Kamis clench his fists for a bit, as well as being a bit paralyzed by this question of hers. Nonetheless, it doesn't take long for Kamis to give the answer for her. 

"Well, how about you? Don't you feel anger towards them too?" 

"Of course I shouldn't be happy about what they did! But still, such a state of mind is never good at all. Never will be, something Amira knows as well." 

"Why listen to that extraterrestrial who doesn't know what emptiness is like?" This makes Rosa furrow her brow and take a step closer toward Kamis, a stomp that is loud enough to be heard outside the room they're in. 

"Then you're saying that I don't know what emptiness is like. Or that Andreas doesn't know too, or Mariama, or some of the Warriors, even the local doctor here don't know what it feels. Do you realize what you're meaning by that?" Kamis is silent for a moment as he stares vastly at the dirty poster in front of him, almost like there's a contemplation on what Rosa's question means to him. A lost home is a lost home no matter the status, and no matter how much it is destroyed, a loss is still there no matter the gravity of it. 

"Maybe... Maybe, I don't even know what I'm saying, honestly..." He whispers back under his breath while still staring at the poster. This makes Rosa sigh in response as she sits on the bed and leans near Kamis, enough to put her hand on his back and rub it for a bit, which makes Kamis breathe slowly in response as he tries to understand more of what's happening to him in a moment like this. Still lost and alone in what should be his group of friends, he may feel that there's truly no one left with him. 

"Kamis, there's no 'maybe' in this. Because from this alone, I know what it looks like from there even if you don't say it." 

"It's not like what I ever say would matter to you, especially not that Luana. Why do you still bother by being here with me?" Rosa then proceeds to rub her chin in response in regards to that response. Something about that could tell something about what means to continue using a shield from emotions. 

"What makes you sure of that, hm?" Kamis lets out a sigh as he slightly glances at her with some puffy eyes. 

"Now that I think about it... I don't even know if it can be truly filled up if I kill every Zlocan out there. Not even with a group by my side like most expect to have in these times." Kamis mumbles still lost in his own thoughts over this. Without missing a beat, Rosa takes a hold of his hand and she squeezes it softly which makes Kamis gasp for a bit, trembling as well while still not turning around to see Rose as she keeps her hand on his without forcing her way in, just like a leader would. 

"Kamis, that's not true. And even if it is, that doesn't mean that we can be the only ones," Rosa says while Kamis still struggles to breathe with someone like her close to him, unsure if that's what she has to say for him. "Nothing in life can be gained pretty easily, even me who I struggled to find something worth living for after leaving my family. But when it comes to knowing more living beings day by day, seeing what they can click within you. If you manage to get closer, then it's when you catch it." 

"Rosa..." Kamis stutters for a bit, unsure of what to take from her words like that, not having expected Rosa to get somewhat closer to him than expected. And yet, he can't help but feel to stay right there if there's really something more with her. 

"That's right. When one can feel that there's a kindred mind in what they're going through, to know what they share, and if they can mutually feel it and see it, then you know they're worth having in your life, no matter their background." Kamis still remains silent, his puffy eyes widening as well. "That right there is the secret we all need to know. The boost we need that can keep us safe wherever we go when we fight, no matter how distant we may be from each other. It's what keeps us together, to fight for the same thing we all want and even if some of us may not want to admit it, it's the necessary fuel that can keep us alive, not by separation, but by having each other. It may sound like a typical platitude but if one looks hard enough, then you see why others still say it, no matter what." 

Kamis remains silent for another short while, still paralyzed by someone like Rosa still trying to go through him despite what he said before. Perhaps it is from a feeling that touches deep inside of him, something still buried yet present beneath all of his uncertainty and anger. From this alone, he finally fully glances at him while giving a slight smile on his face and a short nod to Rosa. Perhaps it is that moment to know that even when split away from what created you, the existence of life forms is what can keep life going for as many years as it can. 

"Thanks, Rosa, I'll try it..." With that, Rosa caps it off with a slight smile as well. Even if it may be short, one day, they will all soon share those same expressions when the time comes, the moment that they can see what they are truly made of, for all who have lost everything, can still regain something even if it's with just one living being near them. 

Such is the way for those who pass through the cutting roads in front of them, a sharp and long lesson to receive for the bravest of them all.


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