It was game day, and my hands were clenched as I impatiently tried to get through tutoring. Eva and Jenna had somehow gotten over their hate for each other and had spent the entire session not-so-subtly whispering things to each other before breaking out into quiet giggles. I tried to ignore the way their eyes quickly flashed away from me when they saw that I'd noticed.

"Um," I cleared my throat the fifth time this happened, my face reddening. "Sorry... I was talking about the federal reserve-"

"Wait, we have a question-" Eva said, her hand unnecessarily raised in the air while Jenna looked down to hide her smile.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"When's your birthday?"

Jenna hid her face further by covering it with her hand as the rest of the group turned to look at them in annoyance.

"May fifth," I said, hoping to leave it at that and move on.

Eva whispered "Taurus," to Jenna loud enough for the whole group to hear before turning back to me. "Ooh, happy early birthday!"

Jenna burst into laughter and I stared at the two of them, speechless as it was still the middle of winter.

"Thank you..." I said, looking back down at my notes. They were mixed up and I quickly tried finding the spot where I'd left off.

Jenna stood up and muttered something about needing to pee as she tried to contain her laughter. "You know what," I said, hastily looking at the clock, "we can all go."

We had about fifteen more minutes, but I'd grown tired of feeling like the butt of a joke and couldn't even focus on the material I was supposed to be helping them with.

They looked taken aback, and a few gave Eva dirty looks as I stood up, grabbing my bag.

"Sorry, I've got to get somewhere," I added and quickly scribbled down my email on the small whiteboard by the door. "Email me if you have any more questions, I'll try to get back to them within an hour."

I slipped out of the room, feeling too self-conscious to look at any of them as I said bye.

I drove home, hoping to shower again before going to Rowan's game. My mind was occupied with the tutoring session, how I'd handled it, and wondering when I'd become so fucking socially awkward. These were situations most people knew how to deal with in high school - I'd known how to deal with in high school.

Erik had come down with nasty flu, so I'd be going to the game alone - a fact that'd been on my mind all day.

Ever since I'd met the police chief, I'd felt nervous, jittery. The way he'd looked at Rowan, it felt like he knew something more, something more than just a father's drug addiction. I wished I hadn't given him my name.

And the dream...

The dream was just that, a dream. I wanted to stop thinking about it, stop thinking it meant something, a warning. It didn't mean anything.

I hadn't received any threatening mail lately, I hadn't been made a victim, and the talk of the attack from the beginning of the school year had faded. I had Rowan, winter break had just started, and my friends were visiting. I should've been happy.

I am happy.

I told myself this, hoping that if I repeated it over in my head it'd be true. But I was happy... when I was with Rowan. Is that co-dependence? Or do I actually need therapy?

I got home and headed straight for the shower, my mind still a mess.

I am happy...

I scrubbed my body clean, the bruises and scars had passed a long time ago... why did I still think of them?

Missing isn't dead.

How did I know Ray wouldn't come back? I scrubbed my skin harder before rinsing off the soap suds.

If he was announced dead, if he was arrested, at least I'd know he couldn't show up on my doorstep any day, wanting revenge against me for going to the police.

What if he is dead?

I didn't know what I would do with that. If he was dead, then Rowan might've had something to do with it. Because Rowan... he knew.

I dried myself off and went to my room, changing into the blue Creighton T-shirt and a pair of jeans.

Is Rowan happy?

***

I found a seat relatively close to the court and busied myself by staring at my phone, trying to ignore the loud chatter of the groups near me. I wasn't used to doing things alone, and it made me feel like I stuck out. Of course, I didn't. I, like everyone else, was wearing blue, to the outsider it would've been impossible to pick me out of the crowd.

The teams started warming up, and I tried not to stare at Rowan as he practiced from beyond the three-point line, draining most of his shots. He seemed to be more cheerful than he'd been in the past games I'd seen, and my eyes wandered to his coach who was talking to one of the players on the bench. He seemed focused on explaining something to the player, his arms motioning around the court.

I rubbed my eyes hard, I needed to give it a rest. I'd been obsessing over the Anderson brothers for nights. Just enjoy the game.

"Evan!"

I turned towards the voice, surprised to see Shea running up a few stairs before hurling herself towards me and embracing me in a hug.

"Hey," I laughed nervously as she pulled away. She was in joggers and a long-sleeved warm-up tee. "Do you have a game?"

"Yeah we just played, smoked their asses too," she said proudly before turning to the girl sitting next to me. "Can you guys scoot down a bit?" The girl nodded quickly and motioned to her group to move down a spot, and they all stood up to adjust. "Thanks."

Shea sat down in the seat next to me and a few voices shouted out good game to her from nearby, to which she answered with a small salute.

"Sorry I missed it," I told her, feeling guilty.

"Don't sweat it," she said, finally settling in her seat. "They make our games earlier and usually there aren't as many people." I started apologizing again but Shea cut me off before I could finish, "I'll make you come to a game soon, now let's move on to the juicy shit."

"Oh... like what?" I gave another nervous laugh, and Shea's eyes sparkled in joy.

"You're so cute, I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. Rowan doesn't invite anyone he's into to the dorms, just friends." My face reddened and I instinctively glanced at him as the buzzer sounded to start the first quarter.

"Oh..."

"And I'm getting a strong impression that you're more than just a friend of his,"

"What's giving you that impression?"

"Well you're here alone, which is adorable, god I wish I had someone coming to my games."

"Yeah, but I mean friends could do that too-"

"Plus he told me he's into you so, that was another hint."

I felt my lips turn upward involuntarily and I pretended to look around at the crowd to hide it from her.

"And that smile is a pretty good indicator, god look at you that's just too sweet."

I covered my face with my hand, and Shea threw her arm around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry, I'm done terrorizing you, for now. So let's talk about me. Got any single gals in your life that you'd wanna set me up with?"

The crowd roared as Rowan sunk a three-pointer, drowning out the sound of my laugh at Shea's forwardness. I'd never met someone so bold.

"I mean," Shea leaned in closer to hear me over the cheers. "I have some friends but I don't think they're into girls like that."

"Well," Shea nodded her head down at the court where Rowan had just stolen the ball from his opponent and passed it down the court to his teammate. "Do they know about this?"

The crowd cheered louder as Rowan's teammate made a layup.

"No..."

"Well, see- if they don't know about you, then you probably don't know about them."

"What?"

"Guys are a bit oblivious when it comes to girls liking girls."

I wanted to tell her that both Madison and Lucy had shown interest in men before, but Rowan had also had girlfriends...

"I mean, I guess it's possible... I just don't know."

"If they are they'll let you know eventually, just like you'll let them know at some point too, no?"

I slowly nodded, watching Rowan walk to the bench as the opposing coach took a time out.

"I guess I have to."

"No, no you don't have to do shit," Shea said, and I turned back to her. "Just what you think feels right."

***

The final buzzer signaled the end of the game and Rowan's stats were shown brightly on the big screen to emphasize their win. 32 points, 10 assists, 8 blocks, 6 steals.

Shea gave me a big kiss on the cheek, before heading to catch the athletics director, yelling a "see you at the dorms," over her shoulder.

Wanting to avoid the situation I'd been in at the last game, I slipped out of the gym with the crowd into the cool winter air. I took a few steps away from the entrance and swiped aimlessly through the apps on my phone to stay occupied, though my time with Shea had put me in an oddly good mood.

After a few moments of blankly staring at my games folder, a pair of hands grabbed the front of my jacket and roughly pulled me away from the building.

My heart leapt as I tried to catch my footing, and right when I turned to look at the man he let me go, pushing me towards the ground.

"What the fuck?" I glowered up at Ben, my palms burning with a familiar skin-on-asphalt pain I hadn't felt since I was a child.

"Why is he ignoring me?" Ben asked in a low tone, venom in his voice. I frowned, gripping my phone tightly as I realized it was the only thing that could provide me any use in this situation.

"Who?"

"You know who I'm fucking talking about."

"Rowan?" I slowly stood up, and his glare followed me carefully, which I took as a confirmation. "Don't know. He hasn't said anything to me but it's probably because you're a fucking psycho." I said as I brushed at my stinging palms.

"Oh, that's just hilarious." Ben laughed, and I glanced around, noticing people by the lighting of the gym not seeming to notice us in the dark. "That's top-tier. I'm the psycho."

"Yeah," I took a step away from him, "you are."

Ben's eyebrows raised in humor, his smile widening in cruel interest.

"You're the one fucking a murderer... but, no, I'm the psycho."

"We're not..."

I blinked, the words circling in my head. Murderer...

"We're..." my voice faltered and Ben's face lit up in glee, enjoying every second.

I tore my eyes away from him and turned back towards the gym, my mind spinning.

He's just trying to mess with you.

It took Ben less than a second to block my path again.

"Awe, he didn't tell you?" His breath was hot on my face and I recoiled, turning away. I felt nauseous, hot even with the icy breeze. "Who knows, maybe he will one day."

I ran my fingers through my hair, looking around for a path away from him.

"Or maybe... he's just using you. Like all of his exes. You know..." Ben placed a hand on my shoulder, "they all loved him too."

My jaw clenched and I tore his hand away from me before shoving him as hard as I could. Ben only withdrew a few steps.

"Don't fucking touch me." I said, my voice shaking.

Ben laughed, his eyebrows raised still in a way that made me want to rip them off of his smug face.

"You know, I'll let that slide just this one time. You seem to have enough on your mind." I stepped around him, walking back towards the arena lights.

He's lying to you...

I walked faster, I needed somewhere quiet to sit and think...

"Anyway, tell him to call me." Ben called after me, "I need his, ah... expertise."

***

FINALLYYYY I CAN UPDATE AGAIN!

It's summer, I'm about to close on a place to live next semester and I'm finally done with my first two years of university with 3 associates degrees! I'm so excited to be able to start updating again, like always I had to re read a lot of this story just to edit because every time I take a hiatus I think the story is way too cringey when I come back so I edit. But now that that's over I can keep it moving forward :)

Thank you all so much for waiting and checking in on me all the time, you're truly the sweetest people and I wish I could give all of you a hug for how supported you make me feel.

🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍

Q: what are your summer plans?

***