Kabanata 19

Nagduwal ako kinaumagahan. Hindi ko alam kung masama lang ba ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa hindi nakatulog.

Ares helped me for support. I didn’t know he was sensitive when sleeping, dahil pagbangon ko pa lang ay agad na siyang nagising.

Ilang minuto akong nagduwal kahit walang lumalabas dahil hindi pa naman ako kumakain. I don’t know why I’m suddenly feeling like this. Hindi naman ako ganito dati kahit masama ang pakiramdam.

Nahihilo ako at gusto pang matulog pero dinala na ako ni Ares sa kusina. Nanghihina akong naupo sa stool at pinanood siyang mag-init ng tubig.

Kumuha siya ng isang mug at nagtungo sa bahagi kung nasaan ang kape. He checked the containers and when he didn’t find something he wants, he went to the pantry.

Tahimik ko siyang sinundan ng tingin at nakita ang pagkuha niya sa isang family pack na gatas. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko pa iyon nabili dahil hindi naman ako gaanong umiinom ng gatas maliban na lang minsan sa gabi kapag hindi nakakatulog.

He reads the back of the huge pack of milk seriously. He’s probably reading the ingredients or the nutrition facts. Litong-lito ako sa ginagawa niya. He’s not usually like this.

Nang natapos sa pagbabasa, bumalik siya sa counter at nilagyan ng gatas ang mug na wala pang tubig. Then when the water is done, he poured enough amount in the mug.

Kahit hindi sigurado kung para sa akin ba ang tinitimpla niya, nagsalita ako.

“I don’t drink milk in the morning,” mahinang sabi ko.

He looked at me and put the mug in front of me.

“You will drink milk from now on. I’ll buy the milk that is right for you within the day.” seryosong sabi niya.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ko alam kung nag-aalala ba siya sa pagduduwal ko para gawin ito o baka iniisip niyang masama ang epekto ng pagkakape. But then, he drinks coffee too, especially he’s a surgeon who supervised surgeries for the whole day.

Pero kahit ganoon, sinunod ko ang gusto niya. Ininom ko ang gatas na tinimpla niya kahit medyo naninibago ako sa lasa.

Ares cooked our breakfast silently. Hindi siya nagsasalita kaya iniisip kong baka may malalim na iniisip. Nasa dining table na kami nang nagsalita siya.

“Starting today, I’ll be working at home.” he said seriously, almost like a declaration.

Naibaba ko ang kubyertos. Agad niyang nakuha ang buong atensyon ko.

“What do you mean?” litong-lito na sabi ko.

Hindi makuha ang kanyang sinabi. It doesn’t make sense. But he’s so cool about it, like it’s normal for him to work at home!

“I am the boss, baby. I can work anywhere I want,” kalmadong sabi niya.

Kunot na kunot ang noo ko, hindi talaga makuha ang punto niya. He’s right that he’s the boss, pero paano siya makakapagtrabaho ng nasa bahay lang? Maybe if he will say that he will be on leave, I will understand. But he said he’ll be working at home. At saan siya magtatrabaho? Dito sa condo?

“I’m on the plan of building five branches of my hospital, so it’s fine for me to work from home for the meantime. It’s purely meetings. I’ll also visit the main hospital, maybe two times in a week.” he explained to enlighten me.

“Then where will you be staying? Dito?”

Uminom siya ng tubig bago sumagot.

“Your room is fine with me. But if you don’t like the idea, we can stay in my place.” he said calmly, like it’s not a big deal.

Napainom ako bigla ng tubig at napaisip sa kanyang sinabi. Mahinahon siyang sumandal sa kinauupuan habang pinapanood ako, naghihintay ng sagot.

“S-So, I’ll be with you?”

He licked his lips and nodded.

“I won’t force you, but yes. I’ll stay in my place, only if you’re with me.”

Natahimik ako at napatitig sa kanya.

“No pressure. I can have my meetings in your living room or in the kitchen. Anywhere. I’ll make sure it won’t disturb your space.” dugtong niya.

I bit the inside of my cheeks and nodded.

“I’ll think about that,”

Tumikhim siya.

“About what?”

“A-About staying in your place…”

Umawang ang kanyang labi, nakita ko ang pagkamangha. Marahan siyang tumango.

“I’ll be waiting,” paos niyang sabi.

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at ipinagpatuloy ang pagtapos sa pagkain.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako pumayag sa ideyang iyon. It only means I will be staying on one roof with him. I don’t want to commit because I know I’m not ready, and yet, I gave him the hope that there is a chance that we can be together.

Hindi ako handa at hindi ko alam kung kailan ako magiging handa. I want to give him a chance once I’m ready because I know that’s what he deserves. Hindi niya deserve ang tira-tirang ibinibigay ko sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.

Pero sa paghihintay niya, natatakot din ako, I don’t want to keep him waiting for nothing, but then I also don’t want to lose him. Walang wala na ako ngayon at siya na lang ang kinakapitan ko. Kung bibitawan ko siya, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupulutin.

Because despite of what happened to me, between the traumas and sufferings, I still want to be happy. And I will only be happy if I will be with him.

As the days passed by, I realized that my happiness is dependent on him. Wala na akong ibang makapitan. I am so broken that I almost can't hold onto myself anymore.

The days that I wasn’t with him, I felt so lost. But when he stayed beside me, he was able to pull me right on my track. Kaya kahit mahirap at halos malabo, gusto kong subukan. With the little hope inside of me, I wanted to try to be with him for the longest time.

Ares left to get some documents on his office. Sa condo na siya magtatrabaho simula ngayon, kaya siguro hinahakot na ang pwedeng trabahuin sa bahay.

Even we already had a conversation, I still don’t have an idea on what’s the reason of his sudden decision. Hindi ko sigurado kung nais niya bang magpahinga o may iba pang rason maliban doon.

Iniwasan ko na ring hindi masyadong maging kuryoso, lalo na’t dadagdag lang iyon sa iniisip ko.

When he left the condo, I immediately ran into my phone. I searched for the scoop page that I saw last night, but the page doesn’t show anymore. I don’t know if it's deleted or hidden, I’m not sure.

I searched my name instead. Doon na nagsilabasan ang iba’t ibang posts, wala ng article kagaya kagabi.

The posts are all theories about my pregnancy, on who’s the father of my child, and things that primarily involves Ares. Specifically, his sudden huge investment in our company. They believe he invested because of Zoey, at inagaw ko daw si Ares dahil buntis ako. May iilan ring posts tungkol kay Dean na pananagutan niya raw ang anak ko kahit na hindi siya ang ama.

Halos hindi ko na napansin ang panginginig habang nagbabasa. The different posts are all lies. Walang kahit isang tama. The issues are horrible and unstoppable. It already ruined the names of Ares and Dean.

I was so overwhelmed on planning what to do to resolve them. I know Ares can’t handle this anymore. It’s now the people who’s posting, he can’t stop the opinions of the people. I can’t depend on him anymore.

Ginugol ko ang lahat ng oras para makapag-isip. I want to act normal when Ares came back, but I just can’t. I felt so guilty for ruining his name and reputation. Sa sobrang guilty, hindi ko magawang humingi ng tawad dahil pakiramdam ko hindi iyon sapat.

I watched him cooking our dinner silently. I’m sitting in a stool. Pansin ko ang panay niya paglingon sa pwesto ko, siguro nagtataka sa katahimikan ko.

I don’t want him to know that there’s something wrong about me. Kaya habang nakatalikod siya, umalis ako sa kinauupuan at nagtungo palapit sa kanya.

I felt him stilled when I hugged him from the back. After a few moments, his body relaxed as I heard him sighed. He held my arms on his waist and loosened it a bit to transfer me in front of him.

Nang nasa harapan na ako, ibinaon ko ang mukha sa kanyang dibdib. I felt him kissed the top of my head softly.

“Do we have a problem, love?” he said softly.

His tone is low, but I can feel how bothered he is with the way I’m acting tonight. I hugged him for assurance that there’s nothing wrong about me, but then I guess, it didn’t work. Mas lumala lang.

May bumara sa aking lalamunan. Imbes na humiwalay sa kanya, nanatili akong nakayakap. Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata at hinayaan ang paglandas ng luha.

Halo-halo ang emosyon na nararamdaman ko. I felt bad, guilty, and ashamed for hugging him like this despite ruining his name. I don’t deserve his help at all. Habang inaayos niya ako, sinisira ko naman ang pangalan niya.

Alam kong may alam siya sa bahaging iyon, kaya napapaisip na rin ako kung ano ang iniisip niya sa mga panahong kasama niya ako? How can he risk his name and reputation just to be with me? Para ba sa pagmamahal o— awa?

We had a normal dinner. Hindi na tahimik at pilit ko nang magsalita, para maipakitang maayos ang lahat at walang problema. Nagpatuloy iyon hanggang sa makapasok kami sa kwarto.

Just like the other nights, I showered first before him. Nang natapos siya ay nasa kama na ako at hinihintay ang pagdalaw ng antok.

He’s wearing a white plain shirt and shorts. Gabi na at normal na pantulog lang ang suot pero hindi ko alam dahil kapag sa kanya, iba na ang nagiging dating.

Nahiga siya sa tabi ko. Tumagilid ako ng higa paharap sa kanya. Without saying a word, he put his arm on my nape and pulled me closer to him. Ngumuso ako at umayos sa pagkakahiga sa braso niya.

Namayani ang mahabang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa. I looked up on him to check if he’s sleeping, and he’s not. Sa pagtingala ko, agad kong nakasalubong ang kanyang mga mata kaya agad ring nag-iwas ng tingin.

I bit my lower lip and rested my hand on his chest. I jokingly pressed it and chuckled.

“Ang tigas ng dibdib mo,” mahinang komento ko.

Muli ko siyang tinignan. He didn’t speak and remained staring at me. It’s not like he doesn’t want to speak, it’s more like he’s feeling our moment.

Nakaramdam ako ng guilt kaya natahimik na ako. He’s not talking too, and it looks like he has no plan in initiating a conversation. Lumipas ang mahabang minuto bago ko nagawang magsalita muli.

“Can you find me fresh seafoods early in the morning?” mahinang sabi ko, halos lumambing.

Hindi siya nagsalita kaya tinignan ko. I can see the mix of happiness and hesitance in his eyes.

“I want you to buy it personally. Can you do it for me?” dugtong ko.

He pursed his lips and stared at me.

“Of course. Do you want anything else?”

Hindi muna ako nagsalita. I acted like I’m still thinking.

“Hmm. Wala na,” I answered and smiled.

Wala na akong ibang gusto, maliban sayo. I want you. I want you for myself, Ares. But I can’t be selfish now, as much as I want, I can’t. If being happy means I will ruin you, then I would gladly go.

Hindi na siya nagsalita at tinitigan na lamang ako. He looks happy and it hurts me because how can he be so happy while he’s with me? I ruined him.

Hindi ko na namalayan ang tuluyang pagtulog habang iniisip ang bagay na iyon. Nagising lang ako nang siguro’y maghahating-gabi na at nakitang mahimbing ng tulog si Ares.

I looked at him closely. Nawalan ako ng iniisip, kahit ang planong pag-alis ay nakalimutan ko na.

I can leave while he’s sleeping. Hindi ko na siya kailangang pagbilhin ng seafood dahil makakaalis na ako ngayon. But instead of getting up and leaving, I remained beside him.

He looks at peace while sleeping. Kahit mukhang seryoso at strikto, makikita kung gaano kapayapa ang kanyang pagtulog.

I felt like I am so blessed to get a chance to watch him sleep, and I’m thankful. Dahil kahit sa pag-alis ko, nagkaroon pa ako ng pagkakataon na mapanood siya.

Huminga ako ng malalim at tumikhim dahil sa nararamdamang bukol sa lalamunan.

The first time I saw him, I never expected that we would go this far. Like sleeping on his arm every night, it made me realize how his warmth will always comfort me in a way that no one can. It’s funny because people call him cold and dangerous, without knowing he’s my safe place.

I bit my lower lip and combed his hair gently.

If only I had known that you would be my home, I should have find you immediately. It might not be the right time for us, but at least I know that you’re with me. My sufferings might be bearable if I find you early.

No one will never understand the soft spot I have for him because no one knows how he was when we were together; like how he’d randomly hold and squeeze my hand, how he wrapped me for a hug, how he lowers his voice whenever he talks to me, and how he’d look at me like I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him.

At pagkatapos nito, alam kong hindi na ako makakahanap ng kagaya niya. Maybe, I will meet someone like him, but surely, I won’t be interested. Kung hindi siya, huwag na.

When I’m gone, he can do the things we're doing with another woman. Leaving him means letting him go. He can do whatever he wants now, without me. I need to accept that.

Pero parang bakit ngayon, ang hirap umalis? Ang hirap niyang iwan...

Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi para mapigilan ang pagkawala ng hikbi. With full tears on my eyes, I held his face and kissed him gently.

“M-Mahal kita…” bulong ko.