Kabanata 13

Plan

I locked myself in a room the next day. I chose to stay in a suite rather than in my condo. That place suffocates me for some reason.

I realized a lot of things inside the four corners of the room. Hindi ko sigurado kung naging payapa ba ako sa dami ng mga bagay na pumapasok sa isipan ko.

I realized that I'm not just weak but also, I'm afraid. Anyone around me will judge if they have an idea about my setup with Papa. They will surely think that I'm dumb for letting him abuse me, physically and emotionally, even when I grew up independently.

They will find me funny because, who wouldn't? Tanga. Mahina. Bobo. People will surely call me that, but I think they should also try to put themselves in this situation. They can judge me but before they could do that, they should also be considerate enough to understand how complicated my situation is.

I'm financially stable, a professional and successful in my own field. There's no reason for me not to fight back. I can bravely stand for myself, but I chose not to.

It's true that even if you have the money and name, you will still need a family that you need to lean on. I didn't bother to fight back because I knew that once I fought back, I would be alone.

I grew up with no one on my side. I grew up under the supervision of Papa after my mother died. I was young back then when my father took me, and still in need of proper guidance coming from a parent. But Papa only took me to supply my needs, which I'm also grateful for.

Tita Martha accepted me into their household too despite the fact that she resented my mother and I'm an illegitimate child of my father. They accepted me into their household, but they didn't accept me as a family. I grew up feeling like an outcast.

Siguro ito ang dahilan kung bakit desperado akong magkaroon ng pamilya ay dahil hindi ko naranasan iyon habang lumalaki. At kahit hanggang ngayon, nananatili akong desperado.

I grew up, begging and desperate to be part of the family. I have the surname of my father, but it doesn't mean I'm part of the family. He only passed his name to me because he knew how competitive I was in the business. Ibinigay niya lang sa akin ang apelyido niya nang tumungtong ako ng desi-otso at nakikitaan na ng kakayahan sa kompanya.

I was so happy that time as I strive harder to do better. I proved myself for multiple times to deserve their love, but I guess it wasn't enough. At siguro kahit ialay ko pa ang buhay ko, wala pa ring mangyayari.

Nang kinuha ako ni Papa, hindi ko na naranasan ang magkaroon ng magulang at pamilya. It's not like I felt like I have a family when I was still with Mama. We only have each other, but she's busy chasing for my father to give a proper attention to her child.

Bata pa lang ako noon pero napagtanto ko na na mahirap magpalaki ng anak ng mag-isa lang, lalo na't hirap pa si Mama sa buhay. At hanggang ngayon, dumaan man ang ilang taon, baon ko pa rin ang reyalisasyon na iyon.

It was like a lesson, an eye-opener for me to realize that I shouldn't settle for someone who isn't sure of himself, because how can he be sure of me if he's not even sure of himself?

I don't want to be a single mom. Surely, I can sustain the needs of my child, but I'm thinking about her sake as she grows up. But once her father denies her, just like what my father did to me, I won't force it. Ayaw kong magaya sa akin na pilit na tinanggap ni Papa.

I don't have any plans yet in settling for someone I will choose, but I won't take any possibilities for granted.

I suddenly thought of Ares. Before meeting him, I thought marriage for convenience was perfect for me, but after a few weeks, I learned that marrying for love is not really bad for me at all.

And it's funny because I can only think settling for someone if it's Ares. Hindi ko maisip sa iba dahil pakiramdam ko, wala ring patutunguhan.

But I won't force myself on him, even when he's demanding for a relationship with me. Hindi ko kayang ibigay iyon dahil maliban sa hindi ko pa naaayos ang sarili, wala rin akong ideya kung bakit niya gustong makipag-relasyon sa akin.

He looks like the type who won't commit himself to someone. Tila masyado siyang abala para makipag-relasyon pa. It was like he would rather choose his career than love.

Kaya hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit niya biglang gustong makipag-relasyon sa akin. I was always eaten by the thought that maybe he's just demanding for it because something happened between us. He looks like a man with principles, who is willing to take responsibility in his every action.

Hindi ako pumasok sa trabaho sa mga sumunod na araw. My phone is off, and I never get out of my suite. Kung gutom man, nagpapadala na lamang ako ng pagkain galing sa ibaba.

I spent those days planning on what will be my next move. I won't depend on my family anymore. I'm standing for myself this time. If I will lose them because of my decision, then that's fine. Simula ngayon, hindi ko na ipipilit ang sarili sa mga bagay na malalabo.

I hadn't done anything wrong to deserve such treatment, but I didn't regret trying. Matagal na akong pagod pero nakakatawang, ngayon lang ako napasuko. The thing that happened that night was like a slap to me, telling me that I would always be an outcast to them, a stranger who will never be deserving of their love as a family.

The past few days has been hard to me. Dagdagan pa ng mga nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Mr. Cabrera. I despised and feared him because of what happened. Hindi ko alam na possible pala ang ganoong emosyon.

I was alone in the past few days, and I can't help but to notice how attentive I was even with small creaking sounds. I get uncomfortable and scared easily. Hindi ko alam kung bakit dahil hindi naman ako ganito noon.

But even with that state, I was still able to continue my days fine and quiet. Limang araw akong nasa loob lang ng suite, kung tama ang pagkakalkula ko.

After those five lonely days, I decided to walk out of my suite. I'm five days absent and I don't even care about that anymore. I will start fixing everything now as I will strive to fix myself too.

I have lots of clothes in my suite. I packed it that night, together with the decision that maybe I should distance myself to the people or place that suffocates me. I'm not mentally okay yet, but I need to make my decision now. Ayaw ko na patagalin pa.

I wore a ruched tie-detailed crepe top with light-blue jeans. I paired the clothes with a Bottega Veneta small sheer bag, Hermès Timepieces small watch, a rose-gold set of jewelry and Amina Muaddi metallic leather sandals in pink.

My outfit looks casual compared to the clothes I wear every time I go to the office, because obviously I won't be there to work today.

I drove my way to the main building of the company. Nakarating din ako agad. I parked my car and went inside. I was immediately greeted by workers, especially the guard.

We're close since we saw each other every day, and he's the very first one who will greet me before I enter the building. At siguro dahil medyo matagal ang huling kita niya sa akin, hindi niya na napigilan ang magtanong.

"Straight duty ako, Ma'am Anais, pero hindi kita nakikita sa nagdaang araw. Bakasyon po?" aniya matapos akong batiin.

Nginitian ko siya at hindi muna tumuloy sa paglalakad.

"Oo, maikling pahinga lang."

Malapad siyang ngumiti.

"Maganda po 'yan, Ma'am. Sige po, magandang araw!"

Nagpatuloy na ako sa paglalakad para magtungo sa elevator. Bumaba ako sa floor ng opisina ko. It's too sudden that I was gone for days, kaya hindi na ako nagulat nang agad akong sinalubong ng mga tanong ng mga taga left at right wing.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad para maharap sila. I answered their questions, just like what I said to the guard at the ground floor. Bahagya akong natagalan sa naging usapan.

I went into my office and did my plan there. Iniba ko ang mga importanteng folders sa isang box at mga personal kong gamit sa isang box. I'm almost done cleaning the office when I called the department to process my resignation paper.

Ako ang humahawak sa department kaya hindi ito dadaan kay Papa. But still, I need to face him to approve my letter and to talk about another matter.

Hindi pa aprubado ang resignation letter ko pero nagsisimula na akong magligpit. I can't wait anymore. I want to be free. Kung anuman ang kalalabasan ng ginagawa ko, I will take responsibility of it.

I went out of my office, carrying the box that is full of important folders. Abala ang left at right wing kaya halos hindi na nila ako napansing dala-dala iyon papunta sa opisina ni Papa.

I prepared myself before going inside of his office, but I didn't find him on his chair. Imbes na siya ang makita ko, isang cleaning personnel ang nakita kong naglilinis.

Agad niya akong napansin at itinigil ang paglilinis sa matataas na bintanang salamin. I smiled a bit and went towards the table of Papa to put the box I'm carrying.

Nang nailapag ko iyon ay nilingon ko siya. He's still standing there, watching me attentively like he has no plans on continuing his job while I'm here.

"Is he on the meeting?" sabi ko, tinutukoy si Papa.

Sandaling kumunot ang kanyang noo bago lumiwanag ang mukha nang napagtanto ang tinutukoy ko.

"Hindi po pumasok si Mr. Cuanco, Miss Anais. Nasa bahay po siya ngayong araw nagtatrabaho."

My forehead knotted. He doesn't usually work at home, especially since I'm not working for days now. There will be no substitute for personal meetings. The meetings cannot be held virtually, unless he's overseas.

I don't know what's the reason why he works at home today. Is he sick or what? Ang huling nagtrabaho siya sa bahay ay noong umuwi sila galing ibang bansa. I don't have any idea what's his reason now.

Pero kahit saan man siya nagtatrabaho ngayon, tuloy pa rin ang plano ko. After leaving the box full of documents in his office, I went to the HR department to get the resignation paper I requested.

Nang makuha iyon ay diretso na akong lumabas ng building dala-dala ang box na may laman ng mga personal na gamit ko sa opisina. I opened the trunk of my car and placed the box inside of it.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumuha ng matinding lakas ng loob na gawin ang pinaplano ko. Hindi man ako sigurado kung saan ito patungo, nananatili pa rin akong determinado.

Mag-isa na ako pagkatapos nito panigurado. But then, isn't the same? Kahit kasama ko sila, wala namang pagbabago. They won't accept me, and I will still be alone. I will still suffer. So, what's the difference?

I parked my car outside the house. Ang unang nakita ko sa pagbaba ay ang maid na nakita ko rin sa huling punta ko. 

She smiled and greeted me, even when awkwardness is very evident on her eyes and lips. I can't blame her, the last time she saw me I looked miserable.

Bumati ako pabalik at nagtungo na papasok ng bahay. Sinundan niya ako, tila naghihintay ng utos pero hanggang sa makapasok sa entrada ay walang narinig mula sa akin kaya hinayaan na ako.

Tinahak ko ang daan patungong ikalawang palapag. Tahimik ang buong pasilyo hanggang sa nakarating ako sa pintuan ng opisina ni Papa.

I took a deep breathe to gather all my strength. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa folder ng resignation paper bago pinihit ang doorknob ng kwarto.

Agad kong natagpuan si Papa sa harapan ng kanyang lamesa at si Tita Martha at Zoey sa sofa na natigil sa tawanan dahil sa pagpasok ko.

The memory of the night Mr. Cabrera tried to rape me went back. The way they made me feel that I am a stranger, an outcast, and how unlovable and worthless I am... Lahat iyon ay nagbalik.

I typically have a heavy heart every time I see them, but for the first time in years, my heart feels at ease right now. Maybe it's because I've finally accepted the fact that I'll never be a part of this family.

I snapped out of my reverie when Tita Martha stood up and approached me.

"After pulling some tricks to ruin the Cabrera's name, you still have the guts to step your foot here?" sabi niya sa iritadong tono.

I remained composed and slightly lifted the folder I'm holding. Hindi niya iyon sinulyapan man lang.

"Hindi ako magtatagal,"

From my peripheral vision, I saw Zoey stood up from her seat too. She was about to say something when I went towards the table of Papa.

"I talked with Ares about his decision already." panimula ko.

Nananatili siyang tahimik, halos maramdaman ko ang pagtitimpi.

"After a long discussion, he decided that he won't sign the investment with us." seryosong sabi ko.

The business with Ares is the last job he wants me to do. I should put an end to the job he gave me first before I could tell him about my resignation.

I immediately saw the anger and disappointment inside his eyes. Matalim niya akong tinignan bago pagak na natawa. His low sarcastic laughs were covered by Zoey's high pitch voice.

"You failed at your job because you were just flirting at him! I told you, Dad!"

I gritted my teeth and stopped myself on giving a comment on that. Tumayo si Papa at agad kong nakita ang tensyon sa kanyang katawan dahil sa galit.

"You've been gone for days, and that's the first thing you would tell me?" hindi makapaniwalang sabi niya.

"She wants Ares for herself, Dad! Ito ang sabi ko sayo noon! She likes him!" patuloy ni Zoey, halos magdabog.

I pursed my lips and remained composed. Inilapag ko ang folder sa kanyang harapan. Hindi niya iyon niyuko o tinignan kaya nagsalita na ako.

"Inside the folder is my resignation. I already brought the files you will need in your office–"

"The audacity!"

Naputol ang sinasabi ko dahil sa pagsigaw ni Tita Martha. She grabbed my arms and made me faced her. Sa higpit ng hawak niya, pumuti ang braso ko na nakapalibot sa kanyang kamay.

"Sa dami ng nagastos namin sayo, ganito ang ipambabawi mo?!"

"I've been in the company for years already. I'm sure it's enough. Also, if you need someone who will substitute me, let Zoey do it." I said seriously, almost challenging her.

Umawang ang kanyang labi, halos hindi makapaniwala sa naririnig. She lifted her hand and was about to slap me when Papa shouted.

"Leave us alone, Martha!"

Nagtiim siya ng bagang bago ako pabagsak na binitawan. I watched her looked at my father sharply before she left the room, together with Zoey. Tumahimik ang buong kwarto.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ngayon na dalawa na lang kami. I watched him left his table and walked towards a cabinet. Kasabay ng pagkuha niya sa golf club galing sa cabinet ay ang narinig ko ring pag-lock ng pinto ng opisina. My heart boomed in fear when I realized what would happen next.