Jen and I don't tend to get a lot of guests. Especially since Darren-the-cheating-asshole was yeeted from Jen's, and subsequently my, life, it's uncommon for us to have unexpected visitors.

Well, at least when you don't count Jayden, and after his little temper tantrum here a month ago, I no longer do.

So when there's a quiet knock while Jen isn't home, I tiptoe over to the door, quietly peeking through the peephole. And who could have guessed?

Jayden.

Perfect.

I open the door slightly, leaning against the doorway while crossing my arms and pulling in a deep breath. "Came to finish the job?"

Jayden fidgets, uncomfortable, shifting from one foot to the other. It's been about a month since we were last face to face and almost a week since I drove past him at the U-M campus, and yet, he hasn't changed in the slightest.

He's still unbearably gorgeous.

"Can we talk?" he asks quietly. His blue eyes are pleading, a hint of vulnerability in them that makes me hold back a sarcastic reply.

"As long as you can keep it under 120 decibels."

Okay, maybe a little sarcasm.

Jayden frowns.

"It means no yelling," I explain, taking a step back and opening the door up wider. "Just come on in."

He nods, a relieved expression flitting over his face as he enters the apartment. I walk towards the living room, taking a seat on the arm of the couch, forcing him to stand up.

"Well, you wanted to talk," I say, gesturing for him to get started. There's something about having him in my space again that makes weird feelings turn in my stomach, and it takes a lot of effort to look unaffected by this whole thing.

"I came to apologize." He straightens up as he speaks.

"Okay." I wait for a beat. "Go ahead."

"I'm sorry, Sophie. You didn't deserve that." His voice is laced with sincerity, and the look on his face is so earnest that I can't help but falter a bit, the anger inside me slowly melting away.

"Then why did you say it?" Against my will, hurt leaks into my tone, and Jayden swallows.

"It's... I-" he cuts off, running a hand through his hair. "It's a really long story."

"I have time."

"Okay." He nods, looking around the room.

He seems lost. Like he doesn't really know how to start whatever it is he's about to tell me. And maybe beyond that, too. That's what finally breaks through my resolve. He looks so unbearably sad; it breaks my heart a little.

"Do you want a cup of coffee or something?" I ask, rising to my feet.

Jayden nods, smiling weakly at me. "That would be great."

I leave him to head into the kitchen, going through the motions of setting up the coffee maker while I grab a few cups. I forgo the Disney mugs, instead pulling out the boring, generic ones we never use because something about this moment feels too heavy for the lightheartedness of funny mugs.

When I return to the living room, Jayden has taken a seat on the couch. It's a big couch. It could easily fit five people, so there's probably no reason to sit so close to him that our legs might touch if we moved, yet that's exactly what I do.

I hand over the cup and take a sip of my own, waiting patiently for him to start. He collects his thoughts and then starts talking, his eyes locked on the mantle in front of us.

"When I was five, my dad died."

I'm not sure what I expected him to say. I knew it was more profound than 'I have insecurity issues,' but this is way beyond that.

"Oh, Jay. I'm sorry."

He glances my way quickly, nodding at my condolences, and then looks in front of him again, drinking from his cup as on auto pilot.

"He was a construction worker. He did all sorts of things. Around this time, he was working on a bridge in Detroit."

I look at his profile. "You grew up around here?"

He nods. "Something went wrong. I don't know what, I never really understood that whole thing, and I was a kid, you know. But... the bridge collapsed."

My eyes widen as I take in what he's saying. "Your dad?"

He looks over at me, pain evident in every crease of his face. "He got trapped." He takes a big breath. "It took them a while to get him out. He was still breathing, so they rushed him to the operating room. He... he died on the table."

I squeeze his thigh, unsure what to say. Jayden doesn't seem to need more prompting.

"It hit my mom hard. I mean, I missed him too, of course, but I was five. I had swimming, and that became my safe haven. A place where I wasn't just the kid with the dead dad. I don't know what I would have done without it." He smiles faintly like he's remembering those days at the pool as a kid. "My mom, though. She was so sad all of the time. She was still a great mom, but she never really recovered from that."

I take notice of the past tense in his words, wondering if this story is even more tragic.

Jayden still isn't looking at me. "She was alone for a long time. And then she met this guy." His brows pull together, a sneer appearing on his face. "I don't remember his name, but he was not a good guy. It was like she didn't know how much better she deserved. He... Well, he wasn't good to her."

I consider what exactly he isn't saying, but the nausea in my throat tells me I probably don't want to know.

"They were together for about six months when she got pregnant. And then he just took off. Called her a cheating slut and left." There's a hint of the same anger I felt when Jen told me about Darren in Jayden's voice.

"You have a sibling?" I ask quietly.

Jayden looks over, and a smile appears on his lips. It's small and a little sad, but his eyes light up a tad. "Ollie. He's ten years younger than me."

I send him a crooked smile. All this time and I never knew he had a brother. Maybe I'm not the only one with secrets.

"What happened?"

The smile falls off his face, a frown taking its place. Jayden is still facing me, but his eyes are fixed on a point behind me. They're distant, like he's reliving past memories—hurtful ones.

"I was at swim practice when she went into labor. My coach had to drive me to the hospital. When I got there, they told me she was having a C-section. I didn't know what that meant."

His hand snakes its way into mine, still resting in his lap, and he links our fingers together. "Something went wrong." His voice is faint. "They had to take out her uterus. It was one of those things, you know?" His words hit me square in the stomach, and I nod absentmindedly, even though Jayden isn't looking. "But they couldn't stop the bleeding. She didn't make it out."

Shit. He was ten. Orphaned at ten years old.

"Your brother?"

That smile appears again. "He was fine. He is fine."

At least there's some happiness to be found in this whole shithole. And I thought my past was sad.

"So, what happened with you two? Did his dad come back?"

Jayden shakes his head, a bitter expression taking over. "That asshole? No, we became wards of the state. We lived together for the first three years with this elderly couple. They were nice."

"Why only for three years?" I've heard enough about the foster system from Jen to know that it's far from perfect.

"They had an adult daughter who lived in England, and they wanted to retire and move there. They couldn't take us with them. Probably didn't want to, either." He shrugs like that's totally normal. Maybe for him, it is. "After that, they couldn't find anyone who would take both of us. A teenager and a toddler. We were a hard sell."

"They split you up?"

He nods, his fingers squeezing mine. "They sent Ollie to some temporary homes while they tried to find his dad. But he had disappeared off the face of the planet. Maybe he hadn't even given my mom his real name. Anyways, when he was six, they placed him with Antonella. She's good to him."

"And you?"

He smiles ruefully. "I was an angry kid. My parents had died, and it felt like no one wanted me here. If it wasn't for swimming, I don't know what would have happened to me. But that didn't exactly help with finding a permanent place. I had a busy schedule, going to the pool every day, and most foster parents couldn't be bothered. I bounced around many places, a few group homes too."

Something dark has descended upon his face. It wasn't there before, even when he talked about his parents' deaths. That made him sad, excruciatingly so, but this... it's more than that. Angrier, more betrayed.

"Some of them were okay. Most of them were indifferent. I was just another teen passing through, but a few places..." He's absentmindedly running his free fingers over the scars on his un-tattooed arm. They're round and spread across his skin, like white reminders of past horrors. I never thought much of them; they're not nearly as noticeable as the long one on his torso, but right now, just looking at them makes me want to vomit. I hold his hand tighter.

His eyes lift to mine, and he sends me a weak smile. "When I turned sixteen, I just left. They couldn't hold me anymore. I rotated around my teammates' places, slept on my coach's couch for a while. Waited till I could leave for college." He takes a deep breath. "That's why I go to U-M, you know? I had a lot of offers, but this was the closest one, and I wasn't leaving Ollie."

I nod. That makes sense, him wanting to be close to his brother. "Is he still with Antonella?" I ask, rubbing my thumb over the back of his hand.

He looks down at our linked hands. "Yeah, for now."

I hesitate, wondering if I should pry more, but he's told me this much. "What do you mean?"

Jayden glances up at me, and there are so many feelings swimming in his eyes that it's hard to pinpoint one, but the most prominent is powerlessness. Again, he just looks so lost. I stop myself from reaching out to caress his face.

He takes a deep breath. "She has to move to El Paso."

"In Texas?"

He nods, looking utterly defeated, and an uncomfortable feeling hits me. "Is she... can she take him with her?" As far as I gather, moving foster kids across state lines isn't all that easy.

"Maybe if we'd decided on that earlier. But she would likely have to move there alone and get certified as a foster parent by the state of Texas before she could move him. Which means he would end up in a temporary home in the meanwhile." Jayden frowns. "But it's not happening. I won't live that far from him."

"But won't he have to find a new home then, anyway? With a new foster family?" I cock my head as Jayden's gaze lifts to mine, his face is like an open book, and I can read the truth so clearly. I swallow, pulling my hand back. "You want custody?"

He nods slowly. No words pass between us for a long time as I try to wrap my head around this. I thought we were just two slightly messed up twenty-two-year-olds fucking around. I didn't realize what heavy responsibilities lay on Jayden's shoulders.

"I am so sorry, Jay. I'm sorry all of this happened to you and Ollie. I'm sorry you had to grow up too fast..." I pause, gnawing on the inside of my cheek, my brows furrowed. "But how does this have anything to do with what you accused me of?"

He leans back on the couch, resting his head against the back, looking up at the ceiling. "Did you see my freestyle final at the Olympics this summer?"

I try thinking back. Jen had basically pinned me down to watch a ton of finals, but I can't remember if I saw that one particularly. "I'm not sure."

He glances over, smiling sadly. "Maybe that's for the best. I got in as number four."

I don't get why he looks this defeated. "So you're number four in the world at that distance? Then why do you look like a beat-up puppy?"

He chuckles, lifting his head again. "Four isn't exactly a bad position, but my time was really horrible. I haven't swum two hundred meter freestyle that slowly since before college."

"Okay?"

"I was supposed to go pro after the games. But with a time like that, I wouldn't have been able to land an agent, let alone any endorsement, which would have meant no income. I couldn't give up my scholarship for that."

It finally dawns on me. The NCAA rules are sometimes fairly ridiculous, and part of it is that college athletes can't have sponsors. So it was either or for him, and he had to choose his scholarship, which explains something else.

"And you can't get custody of your brother when you don't have a steady income. That's why you wanted to go pro?"

Jayden nods. "Yeah. Antonella is moving after Christmas, and I have no idea how to rake together enough money to keep Ollie out of this system." He runs his hands through his hair, linking them behind his head in an exasperated move. "I have to be at my very best right now, and I'm not. I've been swimming like shit after the Olympics, and a month ago, everything just came crashing down on me. I... I was an idiot, and I took it out on you, which isn't fair. I'm the one in that water, not you. And besides, even if spending time with you has distracted me, I was the one who chose to do it. You were right." He looks over at me, smiling grimly. "I'm the one ruining my career."

Normally, I love being right, but at this moment, it's doing nothing for me. "You're twenty-two, Jayden. You should be acting like an idiot, just like me. No one can expect you to have everything together."

"No, but what can I do?" He shakes his head. "That's not the point, Fie. I fucked up, and I am so sorry. I wanted to come back and grovel the minute I left."

"Then why didn't you?" I ask quietly. I had expected a phone call or maybe an army of text messages begging for my forgiveness as soon as he got his head out of his ass, but there's been radio silence for the past month.

"Because even if it wasn't your fault, I still thought that fooling around with you had been a bad influence. So I wanted to try to see if I could get back to my old self in the pool. I was desperate."

I guess that makes sense. If so much was riding on me being good at one thing, I might just sacrifice anything for it, too. "Did it work?"

He chuckles, shaking his head. "Nah, I still swim like crap. I'm distracted as fuck, now just with a heavy dose of guilt in the mix. Finally, Davis smacked some sense into me today."

I crack a smile, and Jayden reciprocates with one of those lopsided grins that I love, but then it falters, and he runs a hand down his face. "Everything is falling apart, and now I'm on academic probation, too."

"What?" I ask, surprised. Yeah, Jayden isn't the smartest guy I've ever met, but he's always struck me as devoted. People who put in that much effort rarely fail.

"I took a history class this semester. Such a dumb idea." He purses his lips. "My teacher... hate is a strong word, but he dislikes me. And he keeps failing me. I don't know if it's because I'm actually shit at it or if he's especially hard on me. But Fie, I swear to god, it's so fucking boring."

My lips twist in amusement, even though I want to argue, tell him he's wrong. That history is so far from boring. I can feel a whole army of arguments rising up inside me, reminding me of a different Sophie. A different life.

I squash those.

"What kind of history?"

"Uh..." He scratches his eyebrow, and I almost interject that there might be a reason why he's failing if he can't even answer that question, but then he goes on, "global history since 1900."

Oh, how on earth can he find that boring? The whole foundation of today's international organizations and unions is based on those years. It's probably the most interesting time period out there.

"Well, you're in luck then," I say, without really thinking about it.

Jayden frowns. "What do you mean?"

"You might suck at history, but it just happens to be the one thing I excel at." I pause, shrugging. "Well, one of them, anyway."

Jayden is looking too stunned to even react to my hybris. "What are you saying?"

"I need a project."

That might not be the entire reason why I'm offering my help.

"So you'll, what... tutor me?"

"If you'd like."

Jayden is quiet for a long time. So long that I start wondering if he's trying to come up with a reason to refuse. And I can't really explain why that thought causes panic to swell in my stomach.

"Yeah," he finally says, and relief floods through me. "Yeah, I think I'd like that a lot."

🏊‍♂️

I refill our cups with more coffee before taking a seat on the couch next to Jayden, leaving a bit more space between us this time.

Professionalism and all that.

Jayden eyes the empty stretch of cushion with a frown.

"So how would this work?" he asks as I cross my legs underneath me.

"I'm thinking that you'll bring your lesson plan and past assignments, so I can see where you're at," I explain quickly. "That way, we can figure out what your weak spots are."

"No," Jayden says, but presses his lips togehter. "I mean, yeah, that sounds great. I've never been tutored, so I'll just trust you there." Why does it feel so good to hear that he trusts me? "But I meant, like, what does this mean for us?"

Oh.

I'm acutely aware that just four weeks ago, I told him, in no uncertain terms, that there is no us.

I open my mouth to repeat those words, but they won't come. Why won't they come? I clear my throat. "What do you want?"

Jayden takes a deep breath, looking me right in the eyes. "I missed you."

A warm feeling spreads in my chest, but I push it away, bury it deep down. "I thought I was ruining your life?"

"I think it's clear that I'm a dumbass that says idiotic things."

"You have a point." I drum my nails against my leg and watch him with narrowed eyes, thinking over the possibilities. If I'm being completely honest, I've missed him too. "Okay, we can throw in a little sexy time. You'll need an incentive to study, anyway."

"So it would just go back to how it was before?" Jayden is frowning hard, looking pretty uncertain.

"Preferably with a little less angry yelling, but yeah."

He shakes his head. "I don't think I can do that."

"I agree makeup sex is superior; I just think the emotional abuse might get a little old." It's an attempt at a joke, but Jayden doesn't laugh.

"That's not what I meant. Of course, I won't yell at you like that again. But I need... If we pick back up, I think I need it to be more... tangible."

"Tangible?" I lift an eyebrow at him. "That's a big word."

"Fie." He shoots me a look.

"So this is an ultimatum? We become more tangible, or this ends for good?"

"Yeah." He nods, swallowing. "Do you want to end this?"

Do I?

I look at him. Really look at him. At his short, dark hair, cut close on the sides because it's practical for swimming, yet long enough on top to grab onto. I look at his sapphire blue eyes, clear as crystal. At the nervous smile on his lips. At the scruff on his chin, a little longer