Thirty-nine

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Sophie is quiet on the way back.

There's still a few hours until my afternoon practice, so we drive to my place.

Today went surprisingly well. Ollie was a little unsure of Sophie in the beginning, but I had expected that of him. He's not big on new people.

Sophie handled it like a pro. She talked about books with him, and slowly he opened up more. Seeing how easily she fell into conversation with him made me realize just how in love with her I am.

Damn, I have it bad for this woman.

"That went well," I say, shooting her a quick look and a smile.

She's looking out the window, her fingers tapping against her leg. "Yeah."

I reach over, covering her hand with mine, squeezing. "Don't worry; he liked you. I can tell."

She stills under my hand, turning her head towards me slowly, onyx eyes meeting mine. "He's a smart kid," she says with a small smile.

Pride swells in my chest. It's ridiculous since I can't take credit for any of my brother's intellect. "I got the looks, and he got the brains." I smirk.

Sophie shrugs next to me. "I don't know, Jay. He's cute. He might grow up to take both those titles."

I gasp, looking at her with outrage as we stop at a red light. "Excuse me?"

Her head is leaned back against the headrest, and she turns it, eyes twinkling with mirth. "Sucks to suck."

I shake my head, though I can't help grinning. As the light turns green, I press the accelerator and look back at the road. "I really think it went well. He's not that great with new people. It takes him a while to trust someone."

Sophie looks back at the road too. "Oh."

She's quiet for the rest of the ride.

๐ŸŠโ€โ™‚๏ธ

I close the door behind us, shrugging off my jacket before heading into the kitchen. I need a cup of coffee. It's already been a long day, and I still have two hours of practice this afternoon.

"Want coffee?" I ask, glancing over my shoulder.

Sophie is standing by the door, her arms wrapped around herself, avoiding my eye. "Actually, I don't think I'm going to stay long."

I smile at her questioningly as I pour ground coffee into the machine. "You can just hang out here while I'm at practice, Fie; it's no problem."

I turn and walk a few steps toward her. In my small apartment, that means I'm basically standing right in front of her.

I scan her body with a heated look. She's wearing those jeans from Friendsgiving again and a tight, blue sweater. It's homey and cute and not really Sophie, and I have a feeling she picked it specifically for today. That thought makes my heart soar.

Yet, no matter how cute the outfit is, she looks insanely good in it, as she does in anything. All subtle curves and poise. I return my eyes to her face, lifting an eyebrow. "That way, we might continue the orgasm countdown.

I'd expected a reaction from that. Sophie's been a very ready participant in that particular endeavor, but right now, her face is expressionless. She turns and walks towards my sofa, running a hand over the back of it. When she faces me again, there's an emotion swirling in her dark eyes I can't pinpoint.

"Jay..."

And it hits me. It's the way she says it, filled with regret and apology. The way her fingers are twisting.

I should have seen it coming. Today was a huge step, and Sophie handled it so well. So, of course, I should have expected her to freak out. But I didn't.

"Don't do this," I say, feeling the dread churn in my stomach.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers, and there's a sheen to her eyes. She swallows, looking unbelievably small in this moment like she's trying to invert in on herself.

I grip my hair in frustration, feeling the anger starting to bubble inside me. "Why?"

She walks around the couch, leaving the length of it between us. It's the same thing she did in her kitchen the last time she freaked out like this. It's like she needs the distance. Maybe it makes it easier for her.

"I'm not what you want."

I bark a harsh laugh. "Well, I beg to differ."

"Jay." She pulls in a shaky breath. "You want that picket fence life, and I don't fit in there. You want stability and children and normality, and I can't give that to you."

"Did you ever consider that I don't need you to?" I ask, crossing my arms. "That I can provide those things for us?"

"Oh, so you can birth babies now? How convenient," she deadpans, her gaze turning harder by the second.

"There are other ways to have children, Sophie." I've never thought much beyond getting custody of Ollie, but yeah, one day, I probably want kids. And if Sophie and I decide on that, we'll find a way. Her infertility is not the end of the world.

"That's just one part, " she says, deflecting. "I'm not a good role model. I'm not the kind of person you want around Ollie."

I huff. "And why is that?"

While we talk, I begin inching around the couch, thinking I might be able to get a little closer to her, but she sees it, and for every step I take, she takes one too. Eventually, we've swapped places. Still standing at opposite ends. Still so far.

"You know why. You know my lifestyle; I don't do responsibility. I'm the kind of girl who likes to break into the university's swimming facility and not give a shit about the consequences. I'm the kind of girl who'll convince others to help her break into someone's house to get revenge. I'm the kind of girl who lives life like there's no tomorrow, and I like it that way."

I hear what she's saying. I do. But I also see the Sophie who would go to war for the people she loves. The Sophie who held my hand when I told her about my parents. The Sophie who drove all the way to Cleveland just to cheer me on at a meet.

She might be reckless, but she's also caring. "You can't go on like this forever."

"I'm not planning to."

I open my mouth to retort but pause, staring at her. There's a sinister sensation creeping up my spine and a warning bell going off in my head. My eyebrows pull together as I repeat her words in my head, listening to their finality.

"What do you mean?"

She stays quiet, her jaw clenched.

The answer becomes painfully apparent. I think back to that day when she told me everything. I think back to what she said. There's a chance of recurrence. Maybe that idea doesn't scare Sophie as much as it should.

My eyes widen. "You've been banking on the cancer to kill you before you had to deal with the consequences of your terrible life choices."

"No." She says, stepping back, shaking. "You don't get to do that. You weren't there. I lost everything! Anything I've done in the last few years has been to survive."

"Sleeping your way through Michigan was never going to cure your cancer, Sophie."

"Maybe not, but it kept me from drowning." She stares at me harshly. "When I got the diagnosis, I promised Jen I would fight. I promised myself that I would fight for her and my parents. So that when I inevitably died from it, they could go on knowing that I did everything I could. But then I got better. And I've been keeping that promise ever since. I eat, I sleep, I exist, so that they'll know I tried..."

Everything stills around us at her words, and I think my heart stops beating. "You're still waiting for it to kill you."

It's not a question, but part of me waits for her to deny it. To tell me I'm wrong. She doesn't. She just looks at me with sad eyes.

"I shouldn't have survived. It's not right, Jay."

"How can you say that?" I ask, outrage burning through my blood. "If you'd died, I would never have met you!"

"Maybe that would have been better."

I stumble back, my heart dropping to the bottom of my stomach. I choke out the words, "you wish you'd never met me?"

"That's not what I said," she objects, urgency creeping into her tone. "But Jay, I've brought you nothing but pain. I just hurt you, over and over again."

"That's not true. Do you think I would have performed that well in Cleveland if you hadn't been there supporting me? If it weren't for you, I would have flunked out of college this semester. If it weren't for you, I would be a goddamn mess, Sophie."

"You shouldn't give me so much credit. You did those things; I was just there."

"We both know you did much more than that."

"Can't you see that this is for the best?" she asks, clawing at her head in frustration. "Why can't you just let me go?"

"Because I love you, Fie!"

I heave for breath like I just ran a marathon. Sophie is frozen, her eyes wide and unblinking.

"I know that scares you. And I'm sorry, this isn't how I wanted to tell you. I know you're not ready, but I need you to know. I'm not chasing you for fun, Sophie. I'm so freaking in love with you that it hurts."

She doesn't say anything. She just turns around and walks away. For a moment, I expect her to go through the front door, and my heart shatters, but then she disappears into my bedroom, closing the door behind her.

I fall onto the couch, resting my head in my hands, feeling all the emotions of this conversation run through me. I told her I loved her. I hadn't meant to do that. I'd been serious when I told myself I would wait until she was ready, but she left me no choice.

My life wouldn't be better without her.

I stare at the small TV standing on a battered piece of furniture in front of me. I can see myself in the reflection, and my hair is disheveled from me nearly ripping it out. I look wild and frustrated... and scared.

Because I am. I am so freaking scared.

I sit like that for a while. I'm not sure how long before I get up and approach my bedroom door. I stop outside it, gently knocking as I push it open.

Sophie is sitting at the foot of my bed; her fingers clutched in her lap, head bowed. She looks up as I enter, her eyes glassy.

Even now, while she's amidst destroying my heart, she looks so fucking beautiful. With her dark purple hair flowing down her back, those deep eyes framed by thick eyelashes, and her plump lips, she's like a siren luring me in and pulling me under.

And I would let her drown me if it meant I got to be with her.

"I know you're not ready. I know you might never be ready. Love wasn't part of our agreement," I say, looking down at my feet.

"No, it wasn't." Her voice is low, resigned.

"I think it was a lost cause from the beginning. When you walked up to me at that bar, all long legs, and sass, I was sold." I laugh darkly. I never stood a chance against her.

She's quiet, and I watch as my sock-clad toes dig into the carpeted floor.

"I understand if it's too much. I-" my voice breaks, and I clear my throat. "I understand if you don't feel the same way. If that's why you're pulling away."

"Is that what you think?" she whispers, and I can feel her eyes burning into the top of my head as I stubbornly keep averting my gaze downwards.

"Jay," she whispers, waiting for me to look at her. I can't. I can't stare into her dark brown eyes while she breaks my heart. "Jayden..."

I shake my head, blinking my eyes to clear them of the wetness. Finally, I lift my head, finding Sophie's eyes swimming as well.

"I love you too."

Everything stops as those words wash over me. There is nothing in this world but Sophie and I. Nothing but her eyes, deep and dark. Coffee in fresh powdered snow. Nothing but her lips, rosy as they part to pull in a ragged breath. Nothing but the curve of her throat and her nimble fingers covering her chest.

She looks down, hiding from me. "I'm in love with you too. That's why I keep trying to walk away because I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be what you need, and I don't think I could ever bear disappointing you."

How can I be overjoyed and achingly sad at the same time?

Sophie just told me she loves me. I don't think I truly believed she would ever say those words to me, and she did. My heart is beating erratically, and I want nothing more than to kiss her.

But she also just said that she's scared she won't be enough for me.

I fall to my knees in front of her, grasping her hands, silently begging her to look at me. "Sophie. You could never disappoint me."

She shakes her head. "What if I can't be what you need? What if I can't be a good girlfriend? What if I can't support you and help you? What if I can't be whatever I should to Ollie?" She finally looks at me. "What if I fail you?"

She's slowly pulling my heart apart right here. "Fie. You won't fail. As long as you do your best, you'll never let anyone down."

Despite herself, a small smile tugs at her lips when I use her own words against her. But hey, they worked on Saltz and me. They might just do the trick here too.

"I'm not expecting you to move in with Ollie and me straight away or become a mother figure to him. We'll take this slow, okay? At whatever pace you need. I just want you in my life. I need you in my life. All you have to do is try."

She lifts a hand and runs it over my cheek. "Do you mean that?"

"Yes," I say, taking a deep breath. "Can you do that for me? Can you try?"

Her dark eyes pull me in. They used to be a mystery to me, but now I understand. I understand all the feelings she hides beneath that mask of hers. She's silent for a long moment, and then, "yes."

I close my eyes, and she sweeps a thumb over my cheekbone, gathering the tear clinging there.

"You really love me?" she whispers.

"Yes." I press a kiss to the palm of her hand. "Do you really love me?"

A smile curves her lips, and those two dimples appear. "I really do."

I can't help the grin. Because Sophie loves me. What a world we live in. I lean in, pressing my lips to her forehead, lingering there. I squeeze my eyes together, feeling the smile fall from my face.

I pull back again, clutching the hand on my cheek. "But I can't keep doing this, Sophie." Her brows pull together. "I can't keep talking you off the edge every time."

Her breath hitches and fear fills her expression.

"It's too hard, baby. So I need you to try. I need you to try to work through some of all this pain that's still holding you back."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you should talk to someone."

She pulls her hand away. "You mean a shrink?"

"There's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, Sophie," I say, a slight edge to my voice. "I did it when my mom died. And when I was injured sophomore year."

She frowns. "You did?"

"Yes. And it helped."

She's quiet again, apprehension flickering in her eyes, her lips pressed together in a thin line.

"Please, Trouble. For me? Will you try?"

She leans forward, pressing her forehead against mine, grasping my fingers. Our breath mingles as she holds me there, and my heart beats heavily in my chest as I wait for her answer.

"Okay."ย 


A/N:
Sophie still has a lot of unhealed trauma and many lies she tells herself ๐Ÿ˜”

But we got a love confession! ๐Ÿ’•

I'll try to publish once a day-ish until next Friday ๐Ÿ“–

- Hanna ๐Ÿ’™


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