"Hi."

I look up from the book I'm reading to find Jen hovering in the doorway with a bouquet of flowers.

Visiting hours just started, so I'm not surprised that she already showed up. Jen's been fussing around me since I got admitted, and I know it's just a way for her to deal with her anxiety, so I let her.

I wish I had a similar coping mechanism. So far, my escape has been to re-read John Green books, which, given my current situation, might not be the best decision.

I lay the Fault In Our Stars down on the blanket, covering me as I smile at my best friend. She patters inside, pulling away the blinds, revealing the view of Ann Arbor from my hospital room.

All the houses are covered in a thick layer of snow. We're just going into February, so we probably still have a little while with snow left.

It might still be there once I'm discharged.

If I'm discharged.

I shake my head, looking up at Jen as she's arranging the flowers on a small table at the foot of my bed. White lilies. Pretty.

"How are you?" she asks me as she fiddles around, ensuring everything is perfect.

"I'm okay, you know, just reading." I lift the book in my lap, waving it a bit.

Jen makes a face. She's the one who brought the books for me, but she doesn't approve. "Isn't reading that right now, you know, kinda morbid?"

I shrug, thinking about something doctor Mallory said once. "Maybe I am just morbid."

She presses her lips together, not arguing. She's placating me a lot these days, basically walking on eggshells. I get that she's scared; hell, I'm scared, which is exactly why I need her to treat me like she usually would.

Jen takes a seat beside me, putting a glass of water on the bedside table and sending me her best fake smile.

We sit in silence for a bit as she fishes things out of her bag. New books for me, a few of my creams, and other products that I was missing. Eventually, she sits back, watching me intently while I pretend to read the book.

"Are you going to call Jayden today?"

I knew it was coming, so I act indifferent, continuing to turn the page. It's the third time she's asked me in as many days.

She asked the day I was admitted. Then again yesterday before my biopsy, and now today too.

I take a deep breath, giving her the same response as the other times. "I don't know."

I want to call him. Or no, I don't. The very idea of picking up that phone and having to explain the situation to him scares me more than anything they might do to me here. But I do want him here.

I need him to hold my hand and tell me that things are going to be alright. I just don't know if I'm ready to believe him yet.

There'll be no going back then. I'll be the cancer girl. And right now, in this cocoon where only Jen knows, I don't feel it yet.

She huffs, looking away with her lips pinched. She's trying so hard not to say what she's thinking, but it's basically written on her forehead. "Just say it, Jen."

Her blue gaze cuts to mine, steely determined. "He'll want to be here for you. You know that, right? Imagine how much it'll hurt him to know you waited to call. So just call him today, please."

I know she's right. Jayden will be upset. And he will come rushing, and I just can't deal with any of it.

"This isn't about him," I say, taking a sip of water. I could really use a smoke. I've all but stopped because Jayden doesn't like it, but ever since I've been enclosed within these walls, regularly assaulted by all my past memories of a similar place, I've been a jittering, nicotine-addictive mess.

It's embarrassing.

"No, it's about you being a chicken." She lifts an eyebrow, blinking a few times, trying to look tough.

I lean my head back against the pillows. "Yeah, I know. I'm a wuss. Can we just leave it at that?"

She doesn't reply, and after a few moments, we return to our previous activities. I stare at my book and try my very best to forget our conversation.

One more day won't change anything. I just need a moment.

Jen leaves once visiting hours end, promising she'll be back later.

Once she's gone, I throw away the book, burying my face in my hands. I take a few deep breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay. I do okay with pretending to be fine when Jen's here. Reading my books, watching TV, and conversing like the world isn't burning.

But if Jayden came? I'm not sure I could lie to him, and if I break down... Maybe I won't be able to piece myself back together.

I'm trying so hard to avoid surrendering to the despair. I can feel it, lurking in the shadows, creeping closer in any quiet moment I have. It's threatening to pull me under, like last time. Big waves of grief and pain are lapping at my feet, luring me to just lie down for a moment.

But I can't let myself feel it. I just can't.

When I compose myself enough to lift my head, Marlene is standing at the door. She's got a soft smile on her face. A knowing, sympathetic one.

"Jen gone home?"

I nod, grabbing my glass, just to have something to do with my hands. I take another sip. 

"Did you call your parents yet?" she goes on.

Another frequent question. Jen suggested it once but hasn't brought it up again. Marlene is a little more persistent. But she only heard about last time. She didn't live it like Jen and me.

"No. And I'm not going to."

She sighs, walking to the foot of my bed and placing a folder down on the table beside the lilies. "I know it was hard on all of you last time, but shouldn't they at least know?"

Hard is an understatement. "They can't just know. They'd come here. And then my mother would cry and make it all about her, mourning her only daughter." It didn't matter that the cancer didn't kill me last time. My mother had acted like it did from the day I had the surgery. In some ways, she was right. "And my father wouldn't be able to look at me. He would be on the phone doing business all day, complaining about being here. Neither of them knows how to deal."

And it isn't just about the cancer being back. There's a reason neither of them complained when I left Oklahoma three years ago. There's a reason why I have only seen them twice since. They've been content with knowing I'm alive and sending me a card on the holidays.

Marlene nods. "Okay. It's your life." She flips through the folder, speaking without looking up. "What about your new, hot boyfriend? I figured he would be plastered to your side with Jen."

I cringe, thankful she's too preoccupied to see it. Why did I have to mention Jayden at the check-up? If I'd just kept my mouth shut for a few more minutes, I would not be having this conversation right now.

I mumble something, staring at my nails. They're in dire need of a manicure, but there's no point. From the corner of my eye, I notice Marlene raising her head to look at me. She waits a few moments, scrutinizing me and the rather guilty look on my face.

She gasps. "You haven't told him?"

Really, can people who are not currently battling cancer for the second time in their very short life just not judge me?

I lift my chin defiantly, meeting her gaze head-on. "No."

"Why on earth not?" She looks outraged, but after a few seconds, her face falls, concern sneaking in. "Last time... your ex left, right? Is that what you are afraid of?"

It's a fair question, and it would be an easy explanation. That Brad's reaction to my first touch of cancer is still coloring my relationship with Jayden. But the truth is, I haven't much considered it.

Jayden had a chance to run when I first told him about everything, and he didn't. He stayed, and he fought for me. He's been during that at every step. No, Jayden wouldn't leave now, I'm sure of it.

"That's not it," I say, running a hand through my hair. It's tangled and a total mess. Like me.

"Then what?" Marlene waits for an answer for a second before she points down at the folder before her. "You know what this is?"

I blink, a sensation of foreboding tingling at the back of my head. "No."

"It's your treatment plan. Yeah, we just finished it. And you're going into surgery in a few days. Don't you think your boyfriend would want to be here for that?" she asks, exasperated.

But she couldn't be more wrong. Because actually, I'm pretty sure here is the last place Jayden will want to be once I have to go into the operation room.

With his previous experiences with surgeries, I know this will freak him out. But he'll come anyway. He'll push it down, hold my hand, and give me a good luck kiss. I knew surgery was inevitable, so part of me has wanted to wait to tell Jayden until afterward. That way, he won't have to be so scared.

When it's obvious that I'm not going to answer, Marlene opens the folder, running a finger over the first page, then looking up at me. "Okay. Let me walk you through the plan. Firstly, surgery, where we'll remove your cervix and some lymph nodes, which will need to go to pathology-" She keeps talking, but I zone it out.

I lean back against the pillows, looking at the ceiling. "Why bother?"

Marlene pauses mid-sentence, lifting her head from the folder, brows furrowed. "What?"

"You're gonna slice me open and shoot me up with radiation, but what's the point? It's not like it's gonna make a difference."

Marlene's eyebrows are crawling up her forehead, causing her to look a little bit more outraged every second. She pinches her lips. "If we ignore that you just insulted my capabilities as a physician, what makes you think treatment would be useless?"

"I've already been here," I say, suddenly incredibly tired of this conversation. "Once is a fluke, but twice is a pattern. This cancer has it out for me."

Marlene narrows her eyes, watching me intently. Then, she moves to the chair beside my bed, placing her hands on her lap. "You know, the same can be said for survival. When you survive this, you may finally believe that you deserve it."

I have to look away from her because, at this moment, she reminds me too much of doctor Mallory. Seeing straight through me, digging up my deepest fears without issue. "Okay, let's say I do survive. Last time it broke me. I have used three years clawing my way out. Is that the best case scenario?" I ask.

"You don't think your situation has changed since last time?"

Jayden's face flashes before my eyes, but I squeeze them shut. "Not enough."

"Listen, Sophie. I believe in you. And I know Jen does too. She believes you can do this." Marlene sounds so convinced.

I shrug. "She biased."

"Doesn't mean she's wrong," Marlene says earnestly. Then she sighs. "But this," she indicates at me with a pointed finger, moving it in circles, "this attitude it's got to change.

I stay quiet. "It's gonna be really difficult treating you if you already have one foot out the door."

"So why even bother?" I throw my arms up, the fear and frustration coursing through me.

Marlene isn't shocked by my outburst. She waits for a moment, watching me with thoughtful eyes. At all my check-ups, she's been teasing and casual, acting younger than her years. It wasn't until I was admitted that I realized how much of that had been for my benefit. She'd seen my worry that very first time, and she must have realized the best way to help me through it. But now, she's more serious, more grave. Because the situation calls for it. I don't need her to be my friend.

I need a doctor.

"Because we're not just gonna stand by and do nothing," she says. "But Sophie, you have to make a choice. You have to choose life. And I don't just mean right now, while you're fighting this. You have to choose it after too."

I frown, pulling my legs up to wrap my arms around them. "What does that mean?"

Marlene's lips press together in a disapproving line. "You know I have read your chart, right?" She doesn't wait for an answer. "Smoking? Really, Sophie?"

She sends me such a reprimanding look that I suddenly feel like a scolded child. "How could you be so reckless? You're a cancer survivor; why would you-"

"Survivor?" I scoff, cutting her off. I stare at the window, unable to look at her. "That's rich." Survivor would indicate survival, but here I am, right back at the hospital.

Survivor, my ass.

I can hear Marlene taking a deep breath. "You are a survivor, and you're gonna keep being it. But just because we're going to kick this cancer's butt doesn't mean you can't get other types of cancer. Do you want lung cancer? Because if you carry on this way, you'll get it. Or something else."

I let her words sink in. I know I should be ashamed of the smoking. But I've never entertained the idea of getting other cancer diagnoses. I was always so sure this one would eventually kill me.

And these days, that thought has been particularly loud.

"If I survive, I can't do this again," I whisper, hugging my legs to me.

Marlene places a hand on my leg. "First of all, of course, you'll survive. You've got this, okay? Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually good at my job." She sends me an offended look. "Secondly, maybe there'll never be another time. But you'll need to take more care of yourself to prevent it." She sighs. "You're still so young; there's still so much for you to see, to do. You just gotta do it."

I take a few shallow breaths, fighting the bouts of panic threatening to take over.

She rises from her seat. "Get your head on straight." She pats my arm affectionately. "I'm going to send the radiation doctor by later so you two can discuss treatment, okay?"

I nod, swallowing a couple of times, finally releasing my legs. Marlene moves to the door, tapping her fingers against the doorframe a couple of times.

"Call your boyfriend, Sophie," she says quietly. "Because you won't let Jen see any of this, and you need someone at your side. So no matter what's holding you back, just allow him to be here for you. You're going to need your people."

With that, she leaves. I step out of bed, fighting the urge just to put on my clothes and run. Leave the hospital, the city. Hell, I might just leave the state. Go somewhere where no one knows me. Where no one cares about me. Where I can just wait out the days until this thing kills me off.

I squeeze my eyes shut, conjuring up a mental picture of Jen to calm me. I think about the way she looked when we were kids. She's always been my home, my safety. I can't leave her. My heart rate settles down a bit.

Then another picture sneaks in without permission. This one is so clear in my mind that it's like he's standing right in front of me. His blue eyes shining, a smile gracing his lips. He's got a bit of scruff, and his hand is in his hair.

Jayden.

My heart aches for him. So much that it knocks the wind out of me.

Yeah, Jen keeps me tethered, but Jayden keeps me grounded.

I open my eyes, turning towards my purse before I can reconsider. I pull out my phone, my fingers shaking as I search for his number.

I can be scared all I want, and I know he'll be scared too, but maybe we can do it together. Because I think Jen and Marlene are right. I'm going to need him.

My thumb hovers over the button for a second, gathering the courage. Today is rest day. He's probably at home, wondering why I'm still ignoring his message from a few days ago.

I dial, pressing the phone to my ear and counting the beeps over the sound of my heart pounding in my ears.

One... Two... Three... Four...

Voicemail.

And then my heart falls to my feet. 

A/N: 
I know these chapters a really heavy, and I hope you guys are okay 🥺

What do you think will happen now? ➡️

- Hanna 💙