DESPERATION 

Chapter VI

Tifa waited a moment. The soft gentle purr of Rufus' breath against her nape, hissing until it became a more audible snore. She could feel his chest expand and relax. She laid still like that listening to the sound of his beating heart and the sound of her unrelenting thoughts.

She knew she was weak. Too weak to kill. She didn't have it in her. She wasn't Cloud. She wasn't Barret. She could never kill. Rufus had his arms wrapped around her like a blanket and she felt warm and secure but at the same time, scared and alone. She had never been more alone.

Tifa thought back to the when she came to Mt Nibel as a teenager. She was alone then, climbing Mt Nibel by herself, driven by anger and rage and hate. She confronted Sephiroth ready to kill him. But in the end, she hesitated, she couldn't do it, she was slashed down herself. Luckily that day Zack was there for her. She kept waiting for him to come to her aid now. Zack. Cloud. Anyone.

Sleep slowly crept up inside her and she found herself drowsy and almost dozing off several times. Tifa forced herself to stay awake. The dream from the night before was still so vivid. The blood. The screaming. The slashing. The chaos. It wasn't something she really wanted to experience again any time soon. Plus, it left her vulnerable to Rufus and his insane plans that she still didn't believe or trust.

Tifa wiped away the tears. She was more angry with herself than anything. She had let Rufus have sex with her. She had consented, practically. He had used her. Now she felt dirty. Tarnished. Wasted. A filthy whore bought and sold on the street corner of Midgar. She just wanted to go home. She wanted so badly just to get out.

Tifa couldn't tell whether Rufus was asleep or not. Sometimes he whispered words, sweet-nothings, blowing cool air into her ear. Most of the time, it was the gently purr, with the occasional snore. He must be asleep, she thought. Tifa looked over, Rufus with eyes shut. She wondered what he must be dreaming. She knew it must have been sick. Some twisted vision or nightmare. Tifa had had nightmares every night since being kept in the Shinra Mansion. It was a weird place, like some kind of spooky castle.

Tifa could hear something coming from one of the other rooms. It was the sound of a piano. The notes were deep and fragmented. There was little or no melody. The deep notes, echoed - it must have been close. Perhaps in the room above them. She wondered who was playing. It certainly wasn't someone gifted at playing the piano. Gradually though the deep notes shifted to lighter ones. Little twinkles pitched up against the solid drones. The melody became clearer, more tuneful. Someone was definitely playing the piano - but who?

Then suddenly it stopped. Silence. And then she heard a voice. It was the same voice from before. A man's voice. A deep, gravelly tone.

Kill 

Do it 

Do it for us 

Please join us here, Tifa 

Please join us. 

After that she couldn't hear the voice or the piano anymore. Both stopped and all she could hear was the sound of Rufus' gentle purring. Tifa began to get antsy. She clutched her head. She hated that voice. She just wanted out of this whole situation. She feared she was going mad. Perhaps Rufus was right. Maybe Vincent wasn't there. Maybe the voices and the nightmares were just a sign she was going crazy, Isolation often did that to people. She had experience of being locked up by Shinra once before.

That day, Barret and Cait Sith were there for her. But not today. It was just her and Rufus together on the bed in a large empty, haunted mansion. Tifa thought about all the ways to escape again. She had tried hitting him - failed. She tried killing him - failed. Tifa thought that maybe there would be no escape and she would die here. The thought sent a shudder down her spine. That was not how she envisioned her future. She couldn't accept that. It couldn't be that way.

Tifa got up out of the bed as quietly as she could. She put on her bra and panties and then looked under the bed. The scissors were there. She reached down and grabbed them.

She had to stop being so weak.

If she was going to get out, she couldn't be weak.

Kill 

Do it 

Do it for us

The voice came back, followed by a strange ringing sound that distorted her vision. She shook her head by it was the kind of high pitch drone you get when the radio isn't tuned in right. Tifa slapped herself twice to regain her focus. It worked. The ringing soon stopped.

Tifa surveyed the room. There was a small door near the bed that led to a washroom. She opened the door and went inside. Tifa closed the door behind her and took a deep breath. Tifa flicked on the light switch and looked at herself in the mirror. She studied herself intently. It was the first time she had seen herself in days.

Her hair was a mess. That was the first thing she noticed. All frayed and badly in need of some treatment. She was sure that Rufus didn't have the special shampoo she liked. The second thing she noticed were her eyes. The dark circles underneath - she looked so tired.

Then something behind her. In the mirror - a face. She saw it as clear as day. Vincent. But in a flash he was gone. Spinning around, there was nothing but empty space.

It must have been her imagination. She had to escape. She had to escape from her mind. There was only one way out. Only one way she knew. Tifa held out the scissors in her right hand and then extended her forearm out in front of her. Taking one last glance in the mirror, she bravely recognised herself anymore. Who was she? Who was Tifa Lockhart? The memories, the feelings. She wanted them all gone. Erased from time.

Tifa moved the scissors nervously towards her wrist. She couldn't kill Rufus, but she tried hard to keep her nerve. Perhaps she could kill herself. Tifa made a small incision, drawing blood and then an almost unbearable vision played out in front of her. She realised what she was doing. Ending it all. Ending the nightmare.

Tifa made another cut, this time a little deeper but missing the vein. She cut along the surface of her skin. It hurt worse than she imagined. Her hand was shaking and she could barely keep control of it. The blood trickled down her forearm, dripping onto the floor, with some falling into the sink. Tifa let out small cry. That's when the door swung open and Rufus leapt into the room.

"What the hell are you doing?" he cried.

Rufus grabbed the scissors out of her hand and threw them on the floor. He took Tifa's wrist roughly so he could have a look. He saw the wound.

"Oh my god! Why did you do this?"

Tifa thought it was obvious why she had done it. But then the thoughts soon passed with more sharp pain. Rufus pulled one of the towels down from the railing and held it to her wrist to try and stop the bleeding.

"You idiot! What were you thinking?"

Tifa looked at him. At his stark, naked form. She looked into his eyes - his eyes no longer a hypnotic blue, but a raging red. She saw the devil's face in his eyes and the fires of hell behind him. A flicker of light reflected from them, but there was nothing inside, hollow - no life and no soul. She felt hot and faint. She was losing blood.

Rufus still looked angry, even angrier than he was when she had spat food in his face. He obviously had a temper and one he found difficult to control. Rufus slapped Tifa with the back of his hand. Tifa fell down, her head hitting the sink. A bruise clearly marked on her cheek where he had struck her. Tifa was dazed but still conscious. It had only been a light hit, or that's what Rufus thought. He hadn't meant to hurt her. 

But he was six feet tall and one hundred and eighty pounds. A small hit from him could still do a lot of damage. And to Tifa, he might as well have been a heavyweight boxer.  

Tifa held her jaw - nothing broken, just bruised. She sobbed. Muffled cries, she was trying desperately to hold in. She hated showing weakness.

"I'm sorry, Tifa," Rufus said, bending down. "I just don't want you to do crazy stuff like that. I didn't mean to hurt you. Don't worry. I'll look after you here. If there's anything you want or need, just tell me."

Tifa didn't reply. She just cried.

Rufus helped her to her feet. She seemed ok after a few moments. The cut wasn't so deep. Rufus was glad he came in when he did. He hadn't really been sleeping. He had heard her get up to go to the washroom. Her heard her cry out. He couldn't let anything bad happen to her. He wanted to protect her.

Rufus walked out of the washroom with Tifa coming out after him. Tifa held his hand for support. Rufus put on his boxer shorts (blue stripped), and took Tifa out of his bedroom. He thought it was best if she stayed in her room for a while. There was nothing dangerous in there. He would have to remove the mirror though. Perhaps she had a plan to use it as a weapon.

Tifa was so quiet the whole way, not saying a word. Was she thinking? Was she planning something? Rufus had no idea. She looked so sad and dejected. The tears hadn't stopped yet, still cascading down her face like a waterfall.

In truth, Tifa wasn't planning anything. All her plans had failed. She couldn't even kill herself. Tifa walked slowly, at least two paces behind Rufus' long strides, but Rufus always glanced back to make sure she hadn't wandered off. Rufus clutched her wrist tightly. The cut stung. The pain etched and burned. Rufus yanked her hard, pulling her along with him. Tifa begged him to loosen his grip. It was too tight. It was hurting her. But each time she tried to pull his hand away, he merely tightened his grasp.

"Tifa, please promise me you'll never try anything like that again. You really scared me. I know you think I'm an evil man but I'm still a man with feelings. If you were to die, I would never forgive myself. That's not why you're here and I would never let anyone hurt you."

Tifa just nodded. She wasn't listening. She was a million miles away buried in her own thoughts that had come back along with the voices.

That's when she saw him again. Looking across, perched up on top of the chandelier. Rufus hadn't seen him. The man with long black hair, wearing a red cape. Vincent Valentine watched them both from above.

To Be Continued...