Cyrus' POV

Lucifer tugged the earbuds out, making a disgusted expression.

I leaned in expectantly. "So...? Now do you understand why people what to know if you play the fiddle?"

Lucifer scoffed. "I understand the reference now, yes. But that was a terrible song."

I gaped and absorbed Lucifer's horrible opinion in a stunned silence. When I was finally capable of making sound, I gasped out, "You really are Satan."

"He's just mad that he loses the fiddling battle against Johnny," Nina grumbled.

Lucifer looked at Nina like he always did; like she was a bully, and he was a kid getting his head stuck in a toilet for no reason.

"So if you're trying to date our mom," I began, making Satan grimace in fear of what I was about to say, "when do we get to meet your dad? Shouldn't we know what your family's like before you date Mom?"

Lucifer rolled his eyes. "Blasted God-worshippers always trying to get to him. I refuse to pimp out my father to soothe your Christian morals."

"Mom!" Nina screamed. "Lucifer won't pimp out his dad!"

Mom poked her head into the dining room. "Enough screaming. Did you set the table or what?"

Mom and Lucifer were trying to act so smooth. They had separated and come up with the worst reasons: Theo should help Mom in the kitchen because he had fire abilities, and Lucifer should help us with the table for who even knows why.

They were attempting family bonding.

Theo appeared, looking demoralized, with his hands a warm red color where they rested under the pot roast.

Lucifer grinned. "See, son? I told you not to be down on yourself because you can only light yourself on fire. There are good uses for it!"

Theo glared. "I will learn other magic as soon as I possibly can, because of this very moment."

Mom seemed delighted by the whole thing. "It was supposed to slow cook for six hours, but Theo has it cooked in thirty minutes! Isn't that amazing?"

I propped my head on my fist and grinned. "He's so useful."

I wasn't quite old enough to develop my demon powers, but just the other day I got super mad at Nina and a lightbulb in the room shattered. Theo pouted for the rest of the day when I told him about it.

Theo glowered at me, confirming my thoughts. "One lightbulb doesn't give you telepathy."

"But at eighteen!" Lucifer exclaimed. "He very well might develop telepathy before twenty, wouldn't that be miraculous? You are going to be a very powerful demon, Cyrus. My little candle boy will be very proud of you when the time comes."

Theo's whole body twitched. "Someday I will learn to light other things on fire and you will be my first target, Father."

Mom dropped her hands on his shoulders and kissed the back of his head. Theo blushed. "Enough talk about patricide," she scolded lightly. "Put the pot roast in the middle and I'll grab all the sides from the kitchen."

Once we all dug in, Lucifer made a pleased noise. "Yes, this is almost as good as innocent blood! You were right, Sofia."

"We should have the rest of your children over!" Mom exclaimed. "So they can all taste how good things besides innocent blood are."

Theo and Lucifer exchanged and look and a grimace.

"...Maybe at some point," Lucifer said as if it caused him physical pain. "Well, you've met Empusa. Jerome knows how to be polite when the time comes for it. Belial you can meet certainly. He is...what is the word for it in your realm? ...A book worm? Ah, a nerd?"

"Nerd," Theo nodded. "Bel is a nerd."

"And who are the others?" Mom asked, because she was obviously obsessed with Lucifer and wanted to become the step-mother of his children.

I definitely should've asked Theo these questions, but I was definitely a selfish and rude human.

"Samael is very kind," Lucifer said, looking a little unsure. "Well, he is always very happy. He makes others laugh and likes big crowds of people."

Theo visibly shuttered in revolution at the idea of socializing with many people.

"Jezebeth is my darling daughter, very shy and sweet. She likes to hang out with her bunnies and that's about it. And Kasdeya tries very hard to be like Jerome, whom you've heard of, so she pretends like she's a badass. When she thinks nobody is looking, she sings to our hellhounds."

Mom looked starry-eyed because the man she was falling in love with was affectionately talking about his children. I was blowing bubbles into Theo's milk.

"They sound lovely," Mom gushed.

Lucifer smiled, eyes filled with affection. "They are. Of course, I have thousands of other children from lesser demons, but I refuse to acknowledge them."

All the humans stared at him. Theo continued eating his potatoes, as if he couldn't give less of a crap about his disowned half-siblings.

Lucifer waved his hand in the air flippantly. "But we're getting off-topic, right, Sofia?"

Mom patted him on the shoulder. "We'll be having a conversation about all your children after dinner."

Lucifer's happy-go-lucky smile wavered. "Of course." His cheery mood resumed. "But for now, we have an announcement. Sofia?"

Holy shit. Mom was pregnant.

"We're dating!" Mom exclaimed. Lucifer beamed and kissed her cheek.

After a few awkward seconds, Nina gave an over-exaggerated gasp. "WHOA!" she yelled. "There was no way we ever could've seen that one coming."

"Thank God," I whispered, because I was so relieved that Mom wasn't pregnant.

Lucifer patted my back in a paternal way. "No, young half-breed, God had nothing to do with it. But I recognize that statement as a human expression of happiness, and for that I am grateful and honored."

Yeah, Lucifer's speech was more confusing than Theo's.

Theo cleared his throat. "When Cyrus and I eventually make love for the first time, if we feel uncomfortable by this, will you quit courting?"

"No," Lucifer growled.

"Why do you have to talk about your sex life?" My mom groaned.

"I don't know!" I squeaked. "Marriage, remember, Theo? That's when we talk about these things."

Theo kissed my cheek and smiled as bright as the son. "Yes, the big party with the rings and the religious meaning. We can have one tomorrow, if you'd like?"

"Yeah, he doesn't get it yet," Nina sighed, poking at her carrots. "Poor Theo. Your sex life is over, my dude."

"Nina!" Every adult at the table, besides Theo, yelled.

She gave Lucifer a hopeful look. "When Cyrus and Theo get married, can Jesus officiate it? That would be totally fun."

"No."

"What about God?"

"...No."

"What about you? That would be cool, in a rebellious sort of—"

"Stop trying to plan my wedding!" I cried. "Plan my wedding later. Like, in five years. Thank you."

Theo stared at the carrots on his plate until his eyes went slightly wide. "Marriages are in five years?"

"He's starting to get it!" Nina cackled.

Theo leaned in a little closer to me and whispered, "May we have another conversation about marriage after dinner?"

I tried not to facepalm. "Yes, we definitely can."

After dinner was over, Theo and I managed to sneak up to my bedroom before Lucifer and Mom yelled about shutting the door. "What happens if they have a kid?" I asked Theo. "Won't that be a kid who's related to both of us? Isn't that incest?"

Theo tilted his head. "Why, of course not. But whatever is wrong with incest? You must not have read the Old Testament."

"...I'm surprised to hear that you've read the Old Testament..."

Theo scoffed. "It was a ridiculous section of the Bible. I wasn't even in it. I hate that stupid book." Before I could even begin to defend the central text of my own personal religion, Theo moved on like it was nothing. "Anyway, about this marriage thing."

I groaned.

"You explained to me that it is a party with good music," Theo said, nodding along. "Empusa knows a great many thing about human, what do you call them? Tunes? Yes, she knows about the tunes. And perhaps your mother could make the cake? And--"

I grabbed Theo's cute face and kissed it. He totally blushed. "Theo, the whole point of marriage is that it's a sacred oath to be with each other forever."

Theo nodded. "Yes. You are my one true love, remember? If I am not with you forever, I would be lost."

Sometimes Theo's deadpan honestly made confessions hold a lot more weight to them than they would if they were spoken by a human. I felt my face flush and the overwhelming urge to make out with him.

"I love you," I blurted out. "I don't really know much about your angelic true loves given to you by God, or whatever, but I know that I love you."

Theo perked up. "And I do not know too much about your marriage sacrifice, but I would gladly do it next Sunday!"

...We definitely had to discuss it a little more.

I leaned in to kiss him, and just when our lips were about to meet—

"DNEIOFGEDASJGU."

I jumped and nearly had a heart attack when Theo's older sister burst into existence. "Empusa, what did you just say?" I asked, mind completely boggled by the strange hissing and popping sounds that had accompanied her random slew of syllables.

Empusa wrinkled her noise at me. "My brother's demonic name, obviously. Rise, both of you."

Neither of us had any idea why we were rising, but when someone like Empusa says to rise, you damn well better rise.

"It is time to leave this petty realm," Empusa boasted. "It is filled with angry and handsome young men, who do not seem to understand the concept of a cellular device—"

"Carlos understands his phone, Empusa, he just doesn't want your number."

"—and therefore!" she pointed at us. "You both must help; Hell is in grave danger. There is an uprising happening in the small town of Grave. They are people who were sent to hell for minor injuries to Heaven's law: adultery, murder, theft, rape, forming a cult, you know. Nothing terrible. We need you, Cyrus!"

"You consider those minor?" I blinked. "Look, I know that I'm better at magic than Theo, but that doesn't mean that you need me."

Theo glared into my soul. "Maybe we will not get married next Sunday."

"We do need you!" Empusa insisted. "You can speak to them with the empathy of the human heart, but also with the staunch stubbornness of the demon's brain. Now come on! To Hell we go!"

Not once did I ever picture this being my life: holding hands with the antichrist and his vivacious older sister, saying the words "to Hell we go" as if we were preparing for take-off or something.

Ever since I met Theo, my life had been crazy. And ever since his family had started to invade my totally normal life, I had the sneaking suspicion that it wasn't ever going back to the way it used to be.

But when I made eye contact with Theo, he smiled at me and said, "Maybe this time, our adventure can be in Hell."

I knew it was totally worth it.

-

Okay, okay, it's over for real now! Thank you everyone for being the best, most supportive and awesome readers ever :) You guys are the best!

Oh, and the song is "Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band. You all probably knew that already (at least I hope you did). If you don't know that song, you gotta listen to it!