If I wanted to, I could recall many delicate moments from my childhood: the sense of being protected that my parents gave me, my affectionate nature, simply living a playful, satisfied existence in gentle surroundings.But my interest centers on the steps that I took to reach myself. All the moments of calm, the islands of peace whose magic I felt, I leave behind in the enchanted distance. Nor do I ask to ever set foot there again. That is why--as long as I dwell on my childhood--I will emphasize the things that entered it from outside, that were new, that impelled me forward or tore me away. These impulses always came from the "other world" and were accompanied by fear, constraint, and a bad conscience. They were always revolutionary and threatened the calm in which I would gladly have continued to live. Then came those years in which I was forced to recognize the existence of a drive within me that had to make itself small and hide from the world of light. The slowly awakening sense of my own sexuality overcame me, as it does every person, like an enemy and terrorist, as something forbidden, tempting and sinful. What my curiosity sought, what dreams, lust and fear created--the great secret of puberty--did not fit at all into my sheltered childhood. I behaved like everyone else.I led the double life of a child who is no longer a child. My conscious self-lived within the familiar and sanctioned world, it denied the new world that dawned within me. Side by side with this I lived in a world of dreams, drives, and desires of a chthonic nature, across which my conscious self desperately built its fragile bridges, for the childhood world within me was falling apart. Like most parents, mine were no help with the new problems of puberty, to which no reference was ever made. All they did was take endless trouble in supporting my hopeless attempts to deny reality and to continue dwelling in a childhood world that was becoming more and more unreal. I have no idea whether parents can be of help, and I do not blame mine. It
was my own affair to come to terms with myself and to find my own way, and like most well-brought-up children, I managed it badly. Everyone goes through this crisis. For the average person, this is the point when the demands of his own life come into the sharpest conflict with his environment when the way forward has to be sought with the bitterest means at his command. Many people experience the dying and rebirth--which is our fate--only this once during their entire life. Their childhood becomes hollow and gradually collapses, everything they love abandons them and they suddenly feel surrounded by the loneliness and mortal cold of the universe. Very many are caught forever in this impasse, and for the rest of their lives cling painfully to an irrevocable past, the dream of the lost paradise--which is the worst and most ruthless of dreams. But let me return to my story. The sensations and dream images announcing the end of my childhood are too many to be related in full. The important thing was that the "dark world, " the "other world, " had reappeared. What Franz Kromer had once been was now part of myself. Several years had gone by since the episode with Kromer.That dramatic time filled with guilt lay far in the past and seemed like a brief nightmare that had quickly vanished. Franz Kromer had long since gone out of my life, I hardly noticed when I happened to meet him in the street. The other important figure in my little tragedy, Max Demian, was never to go out of my life again entirely. Yet for a long time he merely stood at its distant fringes, visible but out of effective range. Only gradually did he come closer, again radiating strength and influence. I am trying to see what I can remember of Demian at that time. It is quite possible that I didn't talk to him once for a whole year or even longer. I avoided him and he did not impose himself on me in any way. The few instances that we met, he merely nodded to me. Sometimes it even seemed as though his friendliness was faintly tinged with derision or with ironic reproach--but I may have imagined this. The experience that we had shared and the strange influence he had exerted on me at that time were seemingly forgotten by both of us. I can conjure up what he looked like and now that I begin to recollect, I can see that he was not so far away from me after all and that I did notice him. I can see him on his way to school, alone or with a group of older students, and I see him strange, lonely, and silent, wandering among them like a separate planet, surrounded by an aura all his own, a law unto himself. No one liked him, no one was on intimate terms with him, except his mother, and this relationship,too, seemed not that of a child but of an adult. When they could, the teachers left him to himself; he was a good student but took no particular trouble to please anyone. Now and again we heard of some word, some sarcastic comment or retort he was rumored to have made to a teacher, and which--as gems of provocation and cutting irony--left little to be desired. As I close my eyes to recollect I can see his image rise up: where was that? Yes, I have it now: in the little alley before our house. One day I saw him standing there, notebook in hand, sketching. He was drawing the old coat of arms with the bird above our entrance. As I stood at the window behind the curtain and watched him, I was deeply astonished by his perceptive, cool, light-skinned face that was turned toward the coat of arms, the face of a man, of a scientist or artist, superior and purposeful, strangely lucid and calm, and with knowing eyes. And I can see him on another occasion. It was a few weeks later, also in a street. All of us on our way home from school were standing about a fallen horse. It lay in front of a farmer's cart still harnessed to the shaft, snorting pitifully with dilated nostrils and bleeding from a hidden wound so the white dust on one side of the street was stained. As I turned away nauseous I beheld Demian'sface. He had not thrust himself forward but was standing farthest back, at ease and as elegantly dressed as usual. His eyes seemed fixed on the horse's head and again showed that deep, quiet, almost fanatical yet dispassionate absorption. I could not help looking at him for a time and it was then that I felt a very remote and peculiar sensation. I saw Demian's face and I not only noticed that it was not a boy's face but a man's; I also felt or saw that it was not entirely the face of a man either, but had something feminine about it, too. Yet the face struck me at that moment as neither masculine nor childlike, neither old nor young, but somehow a thousand years old, somehow timeless, bearing the scars of an entirely different history than we knew; animals could look like that, or trees, or planets--none of this did I know consciously, I did not feel precisely what I say about it now as an adult, only something of the kind. Perhaps he was handsome, perhaps I liked him,perhaps I also found him repulsive, I could not be sure of that either. All I saw was that he was different from us, he was like an animal or like a spirit or like a picture, he was different, unimaginably different from the rest of us. My memory fails me and I cannot be sure whether what I have described has not to some extent been drawn from later impressions. Only several years later did I again come into closer contact with him.Demian had not been confirmed in church with his own age group as was the custom, and this again made him the object of wild rumors. Boys in school repeated the old story about his being Jewish, or more likely a heathen, and others were convinced that both he and his mother were atheists or belonged to some fabulous and disreputable sect. In connection with this, I also remember having heard him suspected of being his mother's lover. Most probably he had been brought up without any religious instruction whatever, but now this seemed to be in some way ominous for his future. At rate, his mother decided to let him take Confirmation lessons after all, though two years later than his age group. So it came about that he went to the same confirmation class as I did. For a time I avoided him entirely. I wanted no part of him; he was surrounded by too many legends and secrets, but what bothered me most was a feeling of being indebted to him that had not left me since the Kromer affair. I now had enough trouble with secrets of my own, for the Confirmation lessons coincided with my decisive enlightenment about sex, and despite all good intentions, my interest in religious matters was greatly diminished. What the pastor discussed lay far away in a very holy but unreal-world of its own; these things were no doubt quite beautiful and precious, but they were by no means as timely and exciting as the new things I was thinking about. The more indifferent this condition made me to the confirmation lessons, the more I again became preoccupied with Max Demian. There seemed to be a bond between us, a bond that I shall have to trace as closely as possible. As far as I can remember, it began early one morning while the light still had to be turned on in our classroom. Our scripture teacher, a pastor, had embarked on the story of Cain and Abel. I was sleepy and listened with only half an ear. When the pastor began to hold forth loudly and urgently about Cain's mark I felt almost a physical touch, a warning, and looking up I saw Max Demian's face half turned around toward me from one of the front rows, with a gleaming eye that might express scorn as much as deep thought, you could not be sure. He looked at me for only a moment and suddenly I listened tensely to the pastor's words, heard him speak about Cain and his mark, and deep within me I felt the knowledge that it was not as he was teaching it, that one could look at it differently, that his view was not above criticism. This one minute reestablished the link between me and Demian. And how strange--hardly was I aware of a certain spiritual affinity, when I saw it translated into physical closeness.I had no idea whether he was able to arrange it this way himself or whether it happened only by chance--I still believed firmly in chance at that time--but after a few days Demian suddenly switched seats in Confirmation class and came to sit in front of me (I can still recall it precisely: in the miserable poorhouse air of the overcrowded classroom I loved the scent of fresh soap emanating from his nape) and after a few days he had again changed seats and now sat next to me. There he stayed all winter and spring. The morning hours had changed completely. They no longer put me to sleep or bored me. I actually looked forward to them.Sometimes both of us listened to the pastor with the utmost concentration and a glance from my neighbor could draw my attention to a remarkable story, an unusual saying. A further glance from him, a special one,could make me critical or doubtful. Yet all too frequently we paid no attention. Demian was never rude to the teacher or to his fellow students. I never saw him indulge in the usual pranks, not once did I hear him guffaw or gossip during class, and he never incurred a teacher's reprimand. But very quietly, and more with signs and glances than whispering, he contrived to let me share in his activities, and these sometimes were strange. For instance, he would tell me which of the students interested him and how he studied them. About some of them he had very precise knowledge. He would tell me before class: "When I signal with my thumb So-and-so will turn round and look at us, or will scratch his neck. " During the period, when it had almost completely slipped my mind, Max would suddenly make a significant gesture with his thumb. I would glance quickly at the student indicated and each time I saw him perform the desired movement like a puppet on a string. I begged Max to try this out on the pastor but he refused. Only once, when I came to class unprepared and told him that I hoped the pastor would not call on me that day, he helped me. The pastor looked for a student to recite an assigned catechism passage and his eyes sweeping through the room came to rest on my guilty face. Slowly he approached me, his finger pointing at me, my name beginning to form on his lips--when suddenly he became distracted or uneasy, pulled at his shut collar, stepped up to Demian, who was looking him directly in the eye and seemed to want to ask him something. But he turned away again, cleared his throat a few times, and then called on someone else. Even though these tricks amused me, I began to notice gradually that my friend frequently played the same game with me. It would happen on my way to school that I would suddenly feel Demian walking not far behind me and when I turned around he was there in fact. "Can you actually makesomeone think what you want him to?" I asked him. He answered readily in his quiet, factual, and adult manner. "No, " he said, "I can't do that. You see, we don't have free will even though the pastor makes believe we do. A person can neither think what he wants to nor can I make him think what I want to. However, one can study someone very closely and then one can often know almost exactly what he thinks or feels and thenone can also anticipate what he will do the next moment. It's simple enough, only people don't know it. Of course you need practice. For example, there is a species of butterfly, a night-moth, in which the females are much less common than the males. The moths breed exactly like all animals, the male fertilizes the female and the female lays the eggs. Now, if you take a female night-moth--many naturalists have tried this experiment--the male moths will visit this female at night, and they will come from hours away. From hours away! Just think! From a distance of several miles all these males sense the only female in the region. One looks for an explanation for this phenomenon but it is not easy. You must assume that they have a sense of smell of some sort like a hunting dog that can pick up and follow a seemingly inperceptible scent. Do you see?Nature abounds with such inexplicable things. But my argument is: if the female moths were as abundant as the males, the latter would not have such a highly developed sense of smell. They've acquired it only because they had to train themselves to have it. If a person were to concentrate all his will power on a certain end, then he would achieve it. That's all. And that also answers your question. Examine a person closely enough and you know more about him than he does himself. " It was on the tip of my tongue to mention "thought reading" and to remind him of the scene with Kromer that lay so far in the past. But this, too, was strange about our relationship: neither he nor I ever alluded to the fact that several years before he had intruded so seriously into my life. It was as though nothing had ever been between us or as though each of us banked on it that the otherhad forgotten. On one or two occasions it even happened that we caught sight of Kromer somewhere in the street. Yet we neither glanced at each other nor said a word about him. "What is all this about the will?" I asked. "On the one hand, you say our will isn't free. Then again you say we only need to concentrate our will firmly on some end in order to achieve it. It doesn't make sense. If I'm not master of my own will, then I'm in no position to direct it as I please. " He patted me on the back as he always did when he was pleased with me. "Good that you ask, " he said, laughing. "You should always ask, always have doubts. But the matter is verysimple. If, for example, a night-moth were to concentrate its will on flying to a star or on some equallyunattainable object, it wouldn't succeed. Only--it wouldn't even try in the first place. A moth confines itssearch to what has sense and value for it, on what it needs, what is indispensable to its life. And that's how amoth achieves the incredible--it develops a magic sixth sense, which no other creature has. We have a widerscope, greater variety of choice, and wider interests than an animal. But we, too, are confined to a relativelynarrow compass which we cannot break out of. If I imagined that I wanted under all circumstances to get tothe North Pole, to achieve it I would have to desire it strongly enough so that my whole being was ruled by it.Once that is the case, once you have tried something that you have been ordered to do from within yourself,then you'll be able to accomplish it, then you can harness your will to it like an obedient nag. But if I were todecide to will that the pastor should stop wearing his glasses, it would be useless. That would be making agame of it. But at that time in the fall when I was resolved to move away from my seat in the front row, itwasn't difficult at all. Suddenly there was someone whose name preceded mine in the alphabet and who hadbeen away sick until then and since someone had to make room for him it was me of course because my willwas ready to seize the opportunity at once. " "Yes, " I said. "I too felt odd at that time. From the moment thatwe began to take an interest in each other you moved closer and closer to me. But how did that happen? You did not sit next to me right away, first you sat for a while in the bench in front of me. How did you manage toswitch once more?" "It was like this: I didn't know myself exactly where I wanted to sit but I wanted to shiftfrom my seat in the front row. I only knew that I wanted to sit farther to the back. It was my will to come to sitnext to you but I hadn't become conscious of it as yet. At the same time your will accorded with mine andhelped me. Only when I found myself sitting in front of you did I realize that my wish was only half fulfilledand that my sole aim was to sit next to you. " "But at that time no one fell ill, no one who had been illreturned, no new student joined the class. " "You're right. But at the time I simply did as I liked and sat downnext to you. The boy with whom I changed seats was somewhat surprised but he let me do as I pleased. Thepastor, too, once noticed that some sort of change had occurred. Even now something bothers him secretlyevery time he has to deal with me, for he knows that my name is Demian and that something must be wrong ifI, a D, sit way in back in the S's. But that never penetrates his awareness because my will opposes it andbecause I continuously place obstacles in his path. He keeps noticing that there's something wrong, then helooks at me and tries to puzzle it out. But I have a simple solution to that. Every time his eyes meet mine Istare him down. Very few people can stand that for long. All of them become uneasy. If you want somethingfrom someone and you look him firmly in both eyes and he doesn't become ill at ease, give up. You don't havea chance, ever! But that is very rare. I actually know only one person where it doesn't help me. " "Who isthat?" I asked quickly. He looked at me with narrowed eyes, as he did when he became thoughtful. Then helooked away and made no reply. Even though I was terribly curious I could not repeat the question. I believehe meant his mother. He was said to have a very close relationship with her, yet he never mentioned her nameand never took me home with him. I hardly knew what his mother looked like. Sometimes I attempted toimitate Demian and fix my will with such concentration on something that I was certain to achieve it. Therewere wishes that seemed urgent enough to me. But nothing happened; it didn't work. I could not bring myselfto talk to Demian about it. I wouldn't have been able to confess my wishes to him. And he didn't ask either. Meantime cracks had begun to appear in my religious faith. Yet my thinking, which was certainly muchinfluenced by Demian, was very different