55. new year, new me

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"Happy New Year's Eve." I smile as Asher opens the door for me. "I brought props."

I hold up a brown bag filled with New Year photo booth props. I assumed people would end up getting drunk throughout the night and find themselves longing for pictures with silly New Years accessories.

"Your hair." He points.

"I cut it." I nod, running my free hand through it. "Well, not myself. But I went yesterday to get it cut at that salon down the street."

"You dyed it, too."

"Yeah. New year, new me, right?" I shrug. "Are you gonna let me in?"

He nods, gesturing for me to enter. I make my way to the kitchen, placing the bag onto the island before removing my jacket and placing it on one of the stools. Asher grabs it and holds it underneath one of his arms.

"Smaller party this time," I comment.

Although there are still a number of people at Asher's house, it is a considerably less amount than the guests who showed up for Aaron's birthday party. I look around, spotting Aaron and Devin sitting in the living room with a few others from their expanded group.

"Is everything okay?" Asher asks me.

"Why wouldn't everything be okay?"

"Is... I mean, is there a reason why you changed your hair or..."

I press my lips together. "I got layers and dyed it a couple of shades darker. It's not that big a deal, Asher," I explain. "I've had the same, boring haircut for my entire life and wanted to change it up, that's all. It's okay if you don't like it."

He furrows his eyebrows. "Why wouldn't I like it? It looks good on you, Estella."

"Thank you," I reply. "I'll be back, I have to use the bathroom."

I walk away, heading for the restroom. Shutting the bathroom door behind me, I lean against the vanity as I stare at my reflection.

The hairstylist did a great job with my hair. She even styled it with a blowout after dying it a dark brown, almost black. And then she cut it into layers, exactly like the picture I showed her.

I don't know how Asher knew, but I did have a reason for changing my hair. It's just easier to say there isn't.

I smooth my dress out. It's a baby blue v-neck with small white floral print all over. No clue where I got the confidence to leave my room, let alone my house, in this dress. But I'm glad I wore it.

"Estella! Hi!" Madison calls out once I'm out of the bathroom. I make my way over to her and Vanessa with a smile.

"Hey," I reply. "How've you guys been?"

"I've been great, you?" Madison responds with a smile. "I love your hair, by the way. And your dress, too."

"Thanks. I've been good, too."

My eyes travel to Vanessa, who holds a red cup in her hand. She gives me a smile before looking me up and down with an weird look in her eyes.

"Something wrong?" I ask her.

"Of course not." She smiles.

I nod slowly. "Okay, well I guess I'll see you guys later."

"See ya at school," Vanessa replies as I walk away.

The smile from my face drops as I make my way into the kitchen. I grab a red cup and get water from the fridge.

I turn back around and take a sip. As I bring the cup to my mouth, I spot Asher talking to the same girl that he talked to at Aaron's party. He flashes a toothy smile at something she says. Just as I'm about to look away, his eyes meet mine. I tilt my head as he subtly cocks his, gesturing for me to meet him over there.

I walk over slowly, maneuvering through the groups of people standing around the living room and everywhere in between.

"— so funny." The girl laughs. "God, you know, when a hot guy is also funny, he becomes ten times hotter than he already is."

"You think?" Asher replies as he pulls me by the waist. He turns to me. "Estella, tell me... do you find me ten times hotter than I already am because I'm hilarious?"

My eyebrows raise. "Huh?"

"Huh means yes." He nods as he turns to the blonde girl. "So I guess you're right."

She gives him a smile before turning on her heel and walking away from us. My eyebrows furrow as I look up at Asher.

"What was that about?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "I prefer brunettes." I bite the inside of my cheek as he places both of his hands on on my hips. "Did I tell you how good you look today?"

Is that a rhetorical question? I have no clue. So I answer anyway. "No."

He smiles. "You look really good today."

"Thank you." I laugh, grabbing ahold of his chin so he's looking into my eyes. "My eyes are up here, by the way."

"I know where your eyes are, Estella."

"Save it for midnight," Devin says as she grabs onto my arm. "I need to talk to you for a sec."

I wrench my arm from her grasp as she leads me to the backyard. I look around, my eyes eventually glued on the color-changing pool. We walk over to it, where she begins to pace back and forth. I look around, confused by her nervous pacing.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"No."

"Well, what's wrong?"

She stops pacing. "Josh asked me out."

I smile. "He did?"

"Why are you smiling?"

My smile drops quickly. "I thought that this was a good thing. I thought you liked him."

"I do."

I let out a small chuckle. "Okay, you're gonna have to help me out here 'cause I'm a little lost right now."

She sighs before taking a seat on the grass. She pats it, asking me to sit with her.

"I'm wearing a dress."

"Cross your legs."

I slowly crouch down, shifting into the most comfortable position I can sit in. I smooth out my dress, nodding for her to continue.

"I don't want to be in a relationship."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Why not?"

"Because I can't." She shrugs.

"Okay, don't go crazy with the details..."

She picks at the grass, pulling blades out as she avoids eye contact with me. "I don't wanna lose him... He means a lot to me. But I can't date him, Estella. I can't date anyone."

I frown, looking into the lit-up pool as I try coming up with something to say. It's safe to say that when Devin tugged me out here, I wasn't expecting to give her advice on anything, especially not relationships.

I'm not sure what Devin means by saying she can't date anyone, but I do know that if she wanted to tell me, she would. So I don't ask her.

"I don't think you'll lose him." I shake my head.

"How do you know that?" She mumbles.

I shrug. "I don't know for sure," I begin as I join her in pulling out grass blades. "But I think that if you explain to him how you feel, you won't lose him... You care about him, and I think he knows that."

My subconscious laughs at me. She knows very well I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sure Devin does, too.

She nods slowly. "Yeah. You're right."

I take a deep breath, looking around the backyard. A small smile grows on my face as I continue pulling at the grass.

"You just asked me for advice."

Devin furrows her eyebrows, shrugging her shoulders. "Yeah, so?"

I nudge her shoulder. "You know what that means, don't you?"

She shakes her head.

"That means we're friends." I smile.

She chuckles. "Does it?"

"Come on, admit it."

She sighs. "We're friends, Estella."

"I knew it."

We stand up from the grass, wiping down our clothes. I tap on Devin's shoulder as I look down at the lawn.

"We left bald spots on Asher's grass."

She raises her eyebrows, nodding slowly at the two patches of grass that are very obviously not as full as the rest of the lawn. "He... he won't know it was us. No, actually, he won't notice it at all."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

We go back inside, where I immediately spot Asher in the kitchen with a few of his friends. I decide not to walk up to them. Instead, I head over to the living room.

"Estella!"

I turn around, smiling when I see Aaron standing near the dining table. I make my way over to him, quickly glancing over to Asher, who's still deep in conversation with his friends.

"How've you been?" He asks.

"Good, you?"

"Yeah, me too." He nods.

I bite the inside of my cheek, not knowing what else to say to him. I'm perfectly fine with Aaron during group settings. Being alone with him, however, is a completely different story.

"Well, I'm gonna go find, um, Asher."

He nods. "Okay."

I give him a smile before slowly walking away from him. I subtly shake my head, cursing myself and my inability to keep a conversation running.

"Come get a drink with me?"

Asher swoops in beside me and grabs onto my hand. He leads me into the kitchen and opens one of the cabinets, pulling out two shot glasses. He hands one them to me and returns to the cabinet.

"You and me are gonna drink the good shit." He pulls out a bottle. "You want a shot?"

"Yeah, sure." I nod.

He pours the alcohol into the glasses, screwing the cap back onto the bottle of tequila and taking one of them from my hands.

"Cheers," he says as we clink our glasses together.

"Cheers," I reply. "To a new year."

He smiles and I do the same. We down our shots at the same time. I set my glass down on the counter, feeling the alcohol travel down what feels like my entire body. Asher shakes it off pretty quickly; he does have more experience than I do.

We take another shot before Asher's friends all waltz into the kitchen and he puts the bottle back into the cabinet he grabbed it from. They've all been drinking tonight. It's clear by the way they slur their words and laugh at things that aren't that funny.

"Asher! We need your help with something," Nick says as the rest of the group follows behind him.

"What?" Asher asks.

"So, Hayden wants to send a text to this girl he likes, but he doesn't know what to say." Nick hands him the phone that's in his hand. "You think this is good or should we edit?"

Asher takes the phone and reads the text message before he hands it to me. "Ask Estella."

"Estella, what do you think?" Nick asks.

"Yeah, you're..." Hayden looks over to Asher before turning back to me. Asher tilts his head. "A good-looking girl." He comes up to me and hovers over my shoulder, looking at his phone screen. "Do you think I should send it?"

I read the message again.

Hi I like yuo

I press my lips together. "Um... maybe something a little more... subtle. It's a little out there, you know?"

"Like... maybe just hey?" He asks. I nod. "With a happy face or just hey by itself? Or do you think I should say hi instead? Help me, Estella."

I laugh, looking at his phone to read the name at the top of the screen. "Maybe just say hey Chelsea."

He smiles, nodding his head before he takes his phone back and deletes the message. "Thank you, Estella. I really got the perfect idea now. I'm just gonna say hey Chelsea."

I nod. "Perfect."

Asher shoos him away as he types. Hayden stares down at his phone, smiling from ear to ear. Once he's back in conversation with the others, Asher grabs my waist and lifts me up onto the counter.

"Asher, my dress!" I exclaim as I pull it down.

"Fuck, sorry," he mumbles as he does the same.

His friends re-join, all circling around to talk with Asher. I remain sitting on the counter, occasionally chiming in when the ask me questions while also helping Hayden come up with text message replies to Chelsea.

Asher keeps his hand on my thigh the whole time, even when he's not talking to me. His thumb traces little circles on my skin. It's a small gesture, but I notice it.

Before I know it, it's already almost midnight. The boys leave Asher and I alone, announcing to everyone inside and near the kitchen that we need our 'alone time'. Nick's words, not mine.

"You look beat," Asher says once it's just us.

"Wow, thanks. You're so sweet."

"I'm kidding," he replies. "You do look hella tired, though."

I nod. "I'm usually asleep by ten."

"I know."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Stalker."

"Caught me." He sighs as I hop off of the counter. "I climb up to your window every night at 10:01. Then, I realize that you fall asleep at ten every day so I climb back down and go home. That's my New Year's Eve confession."

I smile. "You're very annoying."

"Two minutes until 2021!" Some guy in the living room announces.

I turn back to Asher. "Woah. Two minutes and then it's January again... That's crazy, isn't it?"

He nods. "It is crazy."

My life now is nothing like it was January of last year. Everything has changed. I'm in school now, I've made friends. I've fallen for Asher.

Instead of being home alone on December 31st, I'm at a party filled with people from my school, my public school. My mom is at home, celebrating with her newfound source of happiness. I don't know where Brooke is, but wherever she might be, my only hope is that she's happy.

And I'm here.

And I'm happy.

"10..." Everyone yells.

I look up at Asher. He pulls me close to him, wrapping an arm around my body and placing his palm on my lower back.

"7..." They chant.

"You're pretty," he whispers.

I smile.

"4..."

I run my hand along his arm, stopping once I reach his neck. Wrapping both arms around it, I pull him down so his lips are closer to mine.

"2...1! Happy New Year!" Everyone shouts, cheering as fireworks sound in the sky. Some people brought mini confetti canons, popping them into the air with laughs and applause.

Asher brings his lips down to mine. His free hand cups my face, his thumb gently caressing my cheek. His tongue laps over mine slowly.

How is he so good at this?

I rake my fingers through his hair, pulling him closer if that's even possible. His left hand travels lower, moving from my back down to my butt. A small gasp escapes my mouth when he squeezes it.

"Happy New Year, Stel." He pulls away and presses a couple more chaste kisses to my lips.

"Happy New Year," I respond.

For the rest of the night, the couch in the living room becomes my favorite place in the whole house. I curl up on the cushions with one of Asher's flannels draped over my body as he continues to talk to, well, everyone.

My eyelids begin to weigh a ton, I can hardly keep them open at all. I take a once over of the house, realizing it's empty with the exception of Devin and Aaron.

I grab my phone from the couch, squinting at the extremely bright screen. Once my eyes adjust, they widen as I read the time displayed across the top.

2:30 AM.

"Oh my gosh," I mumble. "Oh my gosh."

"You okay?" Asher asks.

"It's 2:30 in the morning."

Did I fall asleep?

There's no way I'd let two and a half hours pass while conscious. I check my phone again, expecting dozens of text messages and missed calls from my mother.

But there's nothing.

"You want me to take you home?"

I frown as I look at Asher. What's waiting for me at home isn't exactly something I'm eager to return to. So I pick at the lint of his flannel, sighing.

"Estella."

"Yeah."

"Do you wanna go home?"

A loaded question. No. I don't want to go home. I don't want to return ever again if I didn't have to. But that's the thing.

I have to.

I have a hard time keeping my eyes open once again. They continue to threaten my awoken state. "No," I murmur.

"You don't?"

I shake my head. "No."

His eyebrows furrow. With a few words exchanged between him, Devin, and Aaron, they're up on their feet, grabbing their belongings from the table. I wave a goodbye as they make their way to the door.

"You wanna sleep here?" Asher asks.

I shrug. "Maybe."

He stands up from the couch, holding his hand out to me. I grab onto it, getting up from my comfortable position. He ushers me to the hallway of his bedroom. Taking out a set of keys, he unlocks the door and lets me in.

I've never been in Asher's room before.

It's nothing I didn't expect. His walls have a few posters hung up. His bed isn't done, the grey and blue duvet bunched up at the corner of his queen-sized bed. Besides that and a few clothing pieces scattered throughout, his room isn't half as messy as I thought'd it be, which I guess makes sense considering he hardly spends time at his own house, let alone inside his room.

"These are your parents?" I ask him as I stare at a picture of a young Asher in a blue gown, two older people on either side of him with smiles.

"Yeah." He nods.

He looks just like his mom. They have the same dark brown hair and green eyes.

"You're sure you wanna stay?"

I swallow. "I don't want to go home."

I can tell he wants to ask questions, but he refrains from doing so, simply walking to his closet in silence. I continue my walk around his large room, studying every little knick knack and decoration I see.

I pick up a Rubik's cube that's on his desk. It's not solved, so I start fidgeting around with it while I wait for him. I have no idea how to solve it.

He returns, a pair of black sweats and a plain red t-shirt in his hands. I take them gratefully, thanking him before walking to the restroom to change.

When I return to his room, he has a setup on the ground. A black blanket spread out on the floor with a couple of pillows from his bed. He's turned off the light, the only source now coming from the lamp on his nightstand.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"You can sleep on the bed."

"Oh. Okay." I slowly make my way to his bed, taking a seat on the edge as I make it as comfortable as possible. My eyes travel to him. He lies down, scrolling through his phone as I slowly set up the bed.

"Why are you gonna sleep on the floor when you have a bed?" I ask him.

He furrows his eyebrows, a small smile on his face. "So you wanna sleep on the floor instead? Cause I'd be down to switch."

I fiddle with the Rubik's cube that's still in my hands. "It probably has spiders. I have a feeling you don't sweep."

He shrugs. "I don't mind."

Sighing, I run a hand through my hair. He never makes anything easy. Ever.

"You want me to sleep with you."

It sounds more like a statement than it does a question. I slump my shoulders as I exhale, slightly nodding my head.

Without another word, he stands up and gathers his sleeping supplies in his arms. I remain at my spot at the edge of his bed.

"You gonna sleep sitting up?"

He sets his pillows on the bed, fluffing them up before he lies down. I turn in his direction, opening my mouth to speak before closing it again.

"Come here."

He waves me over. I reluctantly scoot toward him, sitting near him on the side nearest to the wall. I cross my legs as I sit, pulling them close to my chest.

"I meant come here."

I purse my lips. "I've only ever slept in my own bed... so this is kinda weird."

He nods. "I know. Just come here."

The next thing I know, one of his arms is wrapped around me and my head is buried in his chest. I can feel the shallow beating of his heart, the same state mine is in as we lie this close to each other.

"Do you know how to solve this?" I ask as I hold up the Rubik's cube.

He takes it from my hand, moving around the

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