44. like a bird

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"Happy birthday!" I exclaim with a smile as Aaron walks into Asher's kitchen, where I add a few last-minute touches to the organization of the food and drink choices.

I look around, searching for the birthday hat I picked out for him when Asher and I went to the store earlier today. I finally spot it near the boxes of pizza, grabbing it and placing it on top of his head.

"Thank you," he replies, laughing.

I nod, refraining from giving him a hug. He gives me a small smile before he returns to the group of people he was in the middle of a conversation with.

Asher's house is already filled with people and the birthday party only began about twenty minutes ago. I'm not exactly sure how many people he invited, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a much bigger party than Asher made it out to be.

"Right there's good," Asher says as he and a couple of guys walk into the kitchen. The two men carry a keg, dropping it by the island. Asher reaches into his pocket and pulls out two $100 bills, handing it to them before saying a quick thank you.

"Two hundred dollars?" I ask in awe.

He nods. "We're underage, remember?"

"I guess. Still seems like a lot, though."

He swipes his hand along the right side of my face down to my chin in one quick motion before he walks over to the island and grabs a plastic cup.

"Asher, how many more people are coming?"

He looks around. "I'd say... five more."

"No, seriously," I reply. "I don't think there's enough pizza for everyone."

He laughs. "Estella, no one cares, trust. As long as there's enough cheap ass beer for everyone to drink and try to get drunk off of, they'll be happy."

He fills up his cup with beer from the keg and leaves the kitchen, joining the same group Aaron did. I pick up a water bottle, heading to the living room to find anyone to socialize with.

"Can you tie my shirt?" Devin asks as she quickly makes her way over, holding her hands behind her back.

I nod, placing my water bottle between my thighs as I grab ahold of the thin straps at the bottom of the criss-cross design of her tank top. I quickly tie them together, securing the knot with another for good measure.

"Thanks." She sighs. "Some asshole thought it'd be hilarious to untie it and then run away like a little bitch after."

"That's... not right."

"Yeah— hey, I thought you were gonna be in Utah until tomorrow," she says.

"I was." I nod. "I just, um— decided to come back home early."

She hums in understanding. "You wanna come outside with me and—"

"Hey, Estella!" Vanessa smiles, Madison and Austin following behind her. "Long time, no talk! How've you been?"

Something about the way she completely disregards Devin, who's standing right in front of me rubs me the wrong way. I give her a smile, waving at the couple behind her.

"I've been great, thanks," I reply. "I was actually talking to Devin right now—"

Vanessa whips her head around, facing Devin. "Oh my gosh, I didn't even see you there, Devin." She smiles. "My bad."

Devin ignores her. "I'm gonna go find Aaron and Asher. Catch you later."

She walks away, unbothered by Vanessa's rude attitude toward her. I quickly debate on following after her. But Vanessa makes the choice for me, stepping in front of me to gain my attention.

"Saved you from that one." She laughs.

I furrow my eyebrows. "Saved me?"

"Well, you two don't like each other, right?" Madison chimes in, nestling into her boyfriend's chest. "You told us she's always super rude to you."

"Yeah, you're part of the 'Devin hates us' club, remember?" Vanessa asks.

I do remember. Early in the year when the girls and I shopped for our dresses for the homecoming dance, they said we were all in the club after I told them I thought she had a problem with me.

"I remember."

"What, are you like, friends with her now or something?" She continues. "Estella, trust me. You don't wanna be friends with someone like her. She's one of those girls who hates other girls because she's jealous of them. She swears she's the shit, like she's too good for everyone."

I listen closely to her tone as she talks about Devin and notice the way she turns her head to look at her. My eyes narrow as I put the pieces together. She doesn't hate Devin.

She's jealous of her.

"Thanks for the warning, guys. I'll be sure to keep it in mind for the future."

I smile, giving Vanessa a quick pat on the shoulder before walking toward the door that leads to the backyard.

Being outside almost feels like being at a whole different party. Unlike the guests inside, the ones outside seem to prefer engaging in conversation and listening to the music at a low volume.

I begin to regret my outfit choice as the cold air hits my body. The thin fabric of the small pink sweater I wear on top of my white tank top doesn't do a great job of keeping me warm.

"Hi, sorry. Have any of you seen Aaron? Or Asher and Devin anywhere?" I ask a group of people who are smoking near the pool.

I get a mix of 'no, sorry' and head shakes in response. I give them a quick thank you before continuing the search for my only three friends.

Nowhere to be found. Perfect.

Sighing in defeat, I sit down by the pool, pulling my phone from the back pocket of my jeans. I open my messages app only to scroll through the few conversations I have with no purpose.

I get back up, making my way around the pool, returning to the stoners who didn't seem so bad. I sit next to a boy with long, shaggy blonde hair. He slowly turns to me, giving me a confused look.

"I'm Estella." I smile with a small wave.

"I have a girlfriend," he says.

"Oh, I wasn't— um, I wasn't trying to..."

He smiles. "Oh, okay. I'm Jason."

"Nice to meet you."

He nods. "Yeah."

I smile, looking around the yard one more time. Still not seeing them, I turn back to Jason. He takes a hit of his blunt. I watch as the smoke flies through the air.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure." He shrugs.

"Why do you smoke?"

He laughs, shaking his head. "Are you gonna shame me or something? Cause I don't really wanna hear it, Stella."

I shake my head. "No! No, of course not... I guess I'm just curious. That's all."

I've always been curious about it. I'm not sure why. I would always see it in the shows I used to watch with Brooke. What makes it so great?

"Oh." He nods. "Uh... I guess it makes you feel like, good," he replies. "Like when I'm high, my problems don't exist. I'm just chillin'. No worries, nothing. Clear mind."

He taps his head, demonstrating his clear mind. I nod along, interested in what he's saying.

"No problems?" I repeat. "You feel free?"

He smiles. "Yes. That's exactly what I feel when I'm high... free. Like, kind of like a bird... or something."

I raise my eyebrows. "Really."

Maybe it is great.

Maybe if I try it, my mind will be as clear as Jason's is. I won't have to worry about anything. Escape from my mom's words that constantly replay like a broken record in my head. Escape from the reality that Brooke's gone and I'll never see her again. Escape from being alone. Escape it all.

"Do you think I could have some?"

His eyebrows raise. "If you have money, then sure. But I only have edibles. This is my last joint."

"Right." I nod, reaching into my back pocket for the twenty-dollar bill I stuck in there just before I left my house. "Is this enough?"

He shrugs. "Not really... But I'll let it slide cause you're a first-timer," he says, taking the bill from my hand. "Won't cut it next time, though."

He reaches into his flannel pocket, pulling out a small bag with a brownie inside. I read over the words on the bag, having no clue what they mean. He hands it to me and I pull it out, faintly getting a whiff of the drug infused into it.

"I'd only eat about half if I were you."

I slowly bring it to my mouth, taking a bite out of the sweet. It tastes just like a regular brownie, really. I continue eating it, taking small bites that really start to add up at the end. I stop when I realize I've eaten a little more than half of it.

"How do you feel?" He asks.

"Normal," I reply.

My mind begins to feel foggy after about twenty minutes. It's not necessarily clear, more blurry if anything. I hand whatever is left of the brownie back to Jason before standing up from the patio chair. I make my way to the back door, sliding it open to enter the house.

I walk to the kitchen, immediately to the island, where the stack of pizza boxes are. I open one, grabbing a slice of pepperoni and setting it onto a black paper plate.

My eyes catch Asher in the living room. He smiles, taking a sip of his drink as he talks to a blonde girl. She laughs, nudging his arm at something he said. The scene plays in slow motion, the smile on his face seemingly sparkling white.

Before my mind can catch up, my feet are already walking over. He sees me before she does. His facial expression changes as he stares at me.

"Where's your ranch?" I ask, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. "I need some."

He furrows his eyebrows, his eyes moving to my hand. "I'll be right back, Kelsey."

"Bye, Kelsey." I smile, waving as I follow Asher into the kitchen.

Once we're alone, he tilts my head up with his hand, opening my eyes up wide. I pull away from his grasp, rubbing my eyes as I take a step back.

"Holy shit— you're stoned."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Whaaat?"

He stares at me in awe, his mouth agape.

"What are you staring at?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "What do you mean what am I staring at? Fuck, Estella. I have so many questions— why, no, no who got you high?"

"Shh." I put my finger up to his mouth. "Why are you yelling?" I ask. "I'm right here. Are you mad at me? Is that why?"

He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up a bit. I debate on fixing it. Nah. "I'm not yelling, first of all. And no, I'm not mad... Well I don't know. I just don't get it."

I roll my eyes, slightly annoyed by him. I can't help but feel like he's judging me in a sense. He's the one person who can't judge me. It would be hypocritical of him.

"I just wanted my mind to be as clear as Jason's," I say, shrugging. "What's wrong with that? You do it all the time."

He licks his lips, nodding his head. I take a deep breath, trying to get the freedom I felt for only a few minutes back.

"I just wanted ranch," I say to him. "For my pizza." I point to my slice.

"You don't like ranch on your pizza."

"Well right now I do."

He walks to his fridge, grabbing the bottle of ranch from one of the shelves on the inside of the door. He sets it down onto the counter, taking a seat at the island.

I shake the bottle before opening it. Then I point it downward, sending a huge glob of ranch onto my small slice of pizza.

I slap a hand over my mouth. "Oops."

He stands up, grabbing the plate to throw it away. I grab another plate, opening the box of pizza to pick another one to eat. My hand hovers over the slices as I look for the most perfect triangle I can find.

"Let me put the ranch," he says, reaching for the bottle.

"No." I pull it away from him. "I got it. Go back to talking with Kelsey. She's waiting for you... cause you told her you'd be right back."

He stays silent. I look up to find him staring at me with wide green eyes.

"What?" I shrug, trying not to gag at the taste of the ranch on my pizza.

"You hate ranch on your pizza."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Didn't you say that already? Or am I just really high?"

"Estella... were you jealous?"

I scoff, shaking my head. "Why would I be jealous?"

He shrugs. "I don't know, you tell me."

I bite the inside of my cheek as his eyes search mine. So much for a clear mind.

I shake my head. "I can't talk about this right now. I'm under the influence. And all I can think about right now is food. And sleep. And I'm also kinda in the mood for a movie. Maybe horror. I don't know."

I brush past him, grabbing the bag of Hot Cheetos from the counter. I pour a pile of them onto a plate, my eyes widening at the amount. Deciding they're too plain, I open Asher's fridge, grabbing a lime from one of the compartments.

"Want some?" I ask him as I squeeze the lime onto my chips. "Lime. Lime cheetos."

"I'm good."

"But you love chips," I say. "Especially the spicy ones."

I turn my head once I hear laughter coming from behind me. Aaron and Devin walk into the kitchen, smiling as they take their seats beside Asher at the island.

"Where have you guys been?" He asks them.

"Outside," Devin replies.

I wipe my fingers with a napkin. "I didn't see any of you outside when I was looking for you guys. And I was out there for..." I look up, trying to remember just how long I was outside. "A long time."

Devin looks from my plate of chips back to me. Her eyes widen. "Are you high?"

"Yup." I nod, my single nod turning into head bops synced with beat of the music playing in the house.

"You gave her weed?" Aaron asks Asher.

"I'm right here." I wave.

"No, Jason did. Fucking dumbass."

"How am I a dumbass?" Aaron asks in an offended tone. "I just asked you—"

"Not you, dumbass. Jason."

I laugh, grabbing a hot cheeto from my plate and taking a bite of it. Once I start laughing it's impossible to stop. I lick the cheeto dust clean off of my fingers, still giggling at— well, I don't know.

"You guys are great," I say. "I love all of you. I've never had friends, but now I do. And it's like... I don't know. It's so great."

I sigh, walking over to the sink to wash the red cheeto stains off my fingers. They don't come off. Shrugging, I dry my hands and walk back over to the island.

"I think I'm gonna go home." I sigh. With a tap on the counter, I walk over to Aaron, giving him a hug. "Happy birthday. I only got you a card and some money cause I'm not very creative, by the way."

He smiles. "That's okay. Thank you."

I nod, moving away from him to step in front of Devin. "Goodbye, Devin. I like your shirt. I know you don't like me very much, but I think you're cooler than Vanessa and Madison. They're a little bitchy. I mean, you are too but at least—"

"Alright." She cuts me off. "Bye, Estella."

"Okay. Bye." I smile, slowly walking over to Asher. "And last but not least... my very own knight in—"

"I'm gonna walk her home real quick," he says, cutting me off. "I'll be right back."

"Why does everyone cut me off?" I shrug.

He stands up, placing his hand on my lower back to usher me toward the front door. I stop for a moment, making sure I didn't leave anything somewhere in his house.

"My bag!" I snap my fingers. "Where'd I leave it?"

Asher walks away from me and down the hall of his bedroom. A few moments later, he's back with my small bag in his hand. "You left it in the kitchen. I didn't want anyone to take anything so I put it in my room."

I smile, taking it from his hand. "Thank you."

He opens the door for us, shutting it behind him. If I were him, I'm not sure I would trust to leave my house in the hands of a bunch of rowdy high school students. But at least Devin and Aaron are there to make sure no one ruins his family's things.

"When was the last time you just looked at the stars?" I ask him, angling my head to the sky as we walk to my house. "There aren't a lot anymore, with pollution and all, but they're there."

"Haven't looked at them in a while."

"Hm." I frown, standing on my top toes in an attempt to wrap my arm around his shoulders the way he always does to mine. "Maybe we can look at them together. When I'm not seeing and hearing everything in slow motion."

My arm gets tired so I drop it.

We near my house, walking up the concrete path to the front door. I grab a piece of trash lying on the porch, crumpling it in my hand as I pull out my key from my bag.

"Thank you for walking me to my house."

"You're welcome."

I bite my lip. "I... I, um..."

He stares at me as I scramble for words, his eyes dark and his pupils dilated. "You..."

I shake my head. I don't know what I'm saying. My brain is just a big blob of nothing right now.

"Good night," I say instead.

He doesn't push for what I was trying, but failed to tell him. "Good night, Estella."

-

author's note:

hi everyone!! i'm so sorry I haven't been updating this past week. I've been super busy with finishing up school (i'm on summer break now yay!) senior year is officially over and now i get to be a freshman again woohoo

anyway, i'm back and have many more chapters to publish!!

- blizfvl <3

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