25. one of those days

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"You're kidding." I gasp, bringing my Starbucks cup to my mouth to take a sip of my iced blueberry tea.

"I told you I was smart, didn't I?"

I nod my head, laughing in disbelief. He did indeed tell me he was smart. Is smart.

"I knew you were smart," I defend before taking another sip of my drink. "I just, you know— didn't know you were, like, Stanford smart. It's— that's amazing."

He shrugs. "It's on a scholarship."

"Don't try to downplay it, Aaron. Even if they scouted you for soccer, they were obviously also impressed by your academics. I mean, it's Stanford. You have to be smart to go there. You should be proud of yourself."

A faint smile spreads across his face as his bright blue eyes narrow ever-so-slightly. I look down at the screen of my laptop, my cheeks burning with nerves due to his lingering gaze.

"How about you, Estella?" He asks casually, leaning back in his chair. "What school do you wanna go to?"

"Oregon State," I respond. "Going there is the plan, and if not, then I'll probably go to a CSU up north."

I realize how anti-climatic my answer is. Aaron's going to Stanford, for God's sake, and I've decided that if I don't get into Oregon State, it doesn't matter where I go. Either way, all I know for sure is that I want to go far. I don't want to spend another year at home. I don't think I can.

"Oregon." He nods. "Shit."

I shrug. "I've always wanted to live there."

"Yeah, it's... it's really nice. Very far."

"Exactly why I want to go." A faint laugh escapes my mouth.

"Hm."

We're finished with our project. It only took us about fifteen minutes to complete, but we decided to stay for a bit and chat. I won't lie— there have been a few awkward silences. But we've managed to keep up the conversation for the most part.

"So have you bought your costume?" He asks.

I nod. "I ordered it a couple days ago. It's very cute."

He smiles. "I'm not gonna lie— I'm excited to see your throuple costume."

I cringe every time he says it. I've corrected him each time, but I've finally realized that it's no use. Aaron is stubborn and will not stop using the term throuple when describing my trio costume with Vanessa and Madison.

"Estella."

"Yeah?"

"I think we're done," he says.

"Yeah, we are." I scan through our presentation once more before closing the tab.

"Wanna go?"

No. Not at all.

I nod hesitantly. "Sure. Yeah, let's go."

We stand up from our chairs and collect our things from the small table we were sat at. I close my laptop and stuff it inside the case, holding it in my arms as I wait for Aaron to grab his stuff.

Once he has all of his things, we leave the Starbucks and make our way to his car.

The car ride is silent, the only sound being the quiet music playing on the stereo. I keep looking at him, wanting to break the silence. But I have no clue what to say. Why can't I start a conversation with him?

When I finally want to ask him what he's going to be for Halloween, it's too late. We're already on my street so any conversation would be cut short. I look at Asher's house as we drive by it, noticing the empty driveway. I wonder where he is. What does Asher do in his free time? I'll have to ask him.

"Thanks for the ride," I say as we reach the house.

"No problem."

I bite the inside of my cheek. "See you Monday."

"See you Monday."

I hop out of his car and shut the door behind me. As I make my way up the concrete path, I hear the sound of the engine start up and tires gliding along the street, away from my house.

-

I'm used to silence. I've lived a lot of my life in it. I can go days without speaking a single word. I've done it before. When Brooke and Jackson went on a trip to Cabo with their friends, I stayed behind and didn't say a word for the four days they were gone.

I didn't have anyone to talk to, so there was no point in talking at all. I found ways to occupy myself with TV. I even finished all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls in the span of four days. I watched it all day, all night. I went through all the emotions that show provoked in me throughout those 96 hours.

Nowadays, I'm home alone for the most part. But I don't get lonely. If I want to talk, all I have to do is grab my phone and start a conversation with one of the friends I've made this year. So even though I'm alone, I don't feel lonely.

But there are days that I do. Those days when I feel like it's just me against the world. The ones when I think too much about Brooke. Too much about my brother and my dad. When I want to crawl back into my shell, shut it, and never leave it. Today is one of those days.

I climb up to the roof, taking a seat on the edge to overlook my backyard, and the neighbors' yards, too. I hope they never see me up here. They'd probably be weirded out by me. Call the cops and tell them there's a strange girl looking at them from her roof.

But I don't look at them. I look up. It's dark out now. The sun is about to be off-duty, being replaced by the bright moon instead. I set my Little Bites down and lean back on my palms, thinking about all the times I would come up here with Brooke. Jackson, too.

"It's so hot up here," Jackson complains for, if I counted correctly, the fifth time since we climbed up to the roof of my house. "Isn't it supposed to get cold outside when the sun goes down?"

"If you want to remain part of the tradition, suck it up." Brooke patted his head with a smile. "And it's summer in Los Angeles. How cold do you expect it to get, babe?"

I laughed, staring up at the full moon. "Brooke's right."

"You always agree with Brooke."

"I'm her nanny. She has to agree with me."

I groaned. "Can we call you something else?"

"Caretaker?"

I narrowed my eyes at Jackson. "Well, I'm not a senior citizen."

He laughed at that, and Brooke joined in. I did, too, but not nearly as much as they laughed. I always loved the sound of laughter. It made me feel happy, full, especially when I was the one to cause a laugh attack.

"I don't think I'm going to go to school," I tell them.

The thought been creeping around in my mind for the entire summer. I wouldn't even be starting on the first day of school because of all the paperwork they needed from my mother, who took her sweet time with all things that related to me.

"What?" Brooke asked. "Of course you're going."

I shook my head. "I don't think I can."

"You can." Jackson assured me. "Brooke and I know you can. And you will, Estella."

Brooke nodded in agreement. "And then you'll come home every day and tell us all about it so Jackson and I are guaranteed a good laugh five days out of the week."

"Yeah, that's why you wanna know all about her social life. Cause you want a good laugh." Jackson teased her before turning to me. "She peaked in high school so now she's going to live through you so she can pretend to be in school again."

I laughed, but only because I knew that couldn't be further from the truth. Brooke had told me many, many stories about her high school experience. She didn't peak in high school. She, in her own words, was the nerdiest, most antisocial human being in her entire class.

"You know damn well that's a lie."

Jackson nodded. "I know. I like to bug you."

After that night, I was one hundred percent sure I would attend Westwood like I said I would. Brooke and Jackson would be there with me, giving me advice along the way. Getting laughs out of my experiences there. Everything would be all right because I had them. And they were all I needed.

I couldn't have been any more wrong.

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