After searching within myself for so long, trying to find a way to calm my insane urges, the tidal wave of desire to kill has finally been evading me, and it's an incredibly welcome feeling.

Nothing had been stressing me more than the fear of stumbling upon the next target, especially considering I need to straighten myself out, for all of three of our sakes.

My hand automatically finds my belly, which is still flat, though I feel bloated as hell right now. Perhaps my mentality is making me feel larger than usual. Along with the bloating, I've begun to require more toilet breaks, which is a real nuisance.

I'd taken a moment this morning to share the news with Peter, who was definitely elated for us, picking me up off the ground in a bear hug and swaying us back and forth, all the while smiling hard.

"Whoa, be careful with the merchandise. I've got something growing in me now." I had said, though I was thrilled he was so happy for us. Peter has become like a brother to me, though he's not close to my age at all, but it's more the way we communicate with each other. Business when needed, but aside from that, we're supportive to one another and jokesters in between.

Placing me safely back on my feet, he puts an arm around my shoulders gently and says, "You're going to make a great mom."

The comment causes the doubt to creep in.
Like a shadow, shrouding me in it's dark and thick mass, the tendrils seeping into my brain, making me wonder deeply about my capabilities as a parent, more so than I already have been.

"Sure. If you say so." The words come out a little gritty and uncommitted.

Peter shakes his head a little, whilst dropping his arm from around my shoulders, "We all have doubts in ourselves before our first child. Hell, I was still panicking when Carla was due with the second. It's normal."

There it is again. That word.
Normal.

Can we claim it as our own now?

Is it too soon to get comfortable with the notion being a part of who we are?

I'm much too afraid to let it settle.

My mind is ever wandering and causing havoc for me, I can't allow myself to let go so easily.
It could be what sets the bomb off.

Peter continues, "Honestly, it's going to be great. You're going to do great. Also, you know if you need help at all, Carla and I are more than happy to assist. Babysitting is on the table too." He smiles again.

I smile back at him, "I'm definitely not worried about babysitters, I think as soon as the baby comes, Carol will scoop it up and never let it go." The joke comes easily, though plenty of truth lies in my words. Carol loves babies. Having a grandchild of her own will no doubt send her coo-coo.

Peter laughs, "It's to be expected. Free babysitting is always handy. Trust me on that one. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about what's going to happen down the track. I imagine once he or she comes along, you'll want some time to settle in to mom life. So we should really get a handle on when to expect you'll need to start taking some time off. You know, shorter days, shorter weeks etcetera."

"Oh no. I don't think I'll need that much time off. Just once the baby comes, and a little thereafter." I say earnestly.

Peter smiles softly, "Okay. Whatever you say. How about we play it by ear?"

I roll my eyes, "It'll be fine. I'm perfectly capable of working throughout the pregnancy, the same as any other person would be."

Peter interjects, continuing to smile at me, "Time off hurts no one, consider it and we will speak more when the baby is getting close to making his or her arrival."

"I'll be fine." I reiterate.

"Okay then. Well, I best be getting back to my office. Time to get ahead, rather than fall behind." He walks off, smiling all the while.

My frustration level is at a solid seven out of ten. Not believing for a second that I'll be incapable of functioning at my normal work level. It's probably the first time Peter has truly pissed me off. I decide to glare at his back until he is out of sight, hoping he senses the mood I'm giving out.

Stalking somewhat angrily to my desk, I drop my butt into my seat in a huff.

Jane's head pops up from several desks over, "You okay over there? You sound a little flustered."

Not wanting to start a conversation I don't want nor need with Jane, I simply say, "Yep, all good. Just readying myself for the next task."

She smiles with closed lips at me, then proceeds to say, "Liar. I know your dirty little secret."

Sure. Sure. I think to myself. As though I'm some kind of open book for her to read.
I decide not to bite, instead turning my attention to my cluttered and mismanaged desk. Something I definitely need to sort out.

The casual brush off does not register with Jane though, as she continues talking to me.
"Someone's baking a delicious little bundle of joy!" Jane's eyes twinkle, going a little ga ga over the idea of a baby in the office.

I resist the urge to cringe, "You couldn't have made that sound more lame. But yes, I'm pregnant. It's not necessarily a secret anymore. Peter knows now."

Jane claps her hands a couple of times, smiling and giddy, "Oh my gosh. This is so exciting! Can I put together the baby shower? I'm seriously really good at organising these things."

I wave my hands back and forth in front of myself, "No, no, I couldn't let you, I'm sorry. I'm sure either my Aunt or Justine will want to put something together. Those two are going to go nuts as it is. I want this pregnancy not to turn me into some kind of psycho."

The words that leave my lips are laughable. I crossed the territorial tracks for psycho a while ago, there's no doubt about it. I'm delusional if I think otherwise. Which is what I keep stumbling over now. My mind going back and forth between sanity and psychotic, my memories tempting the bloodthirsty beast that still resides dangerously within.

Jane has been talking and I have managed to miss a good chunk of her mutterings, tuning back in much later than I should have.

"There are like a ton of games we can play. I can bring something, definitely. Oh and my sister has heaps of books on what to expect and so on. If you want to borrow them, let me know and I know she will happily hand them over. She's had like five kids now, I think she knows what not to do by now." She laughs at her comment, I fake laugh in response, not wanting to seem disinterested in her offer.

"Yeah, I'll let you know. Thanks heaps, Jane. I really hate to cut you short, but I've got quite a bit of work left to do today." I say, honestly only wanting the space from her.

Her eyes widen momentarily, "Of course, I'm so so sorry. But I do want to wish you and Alex congratulations on your fantastic news. You're going to be great at being a mom."

With that said, she returns to her own work, leaving me with another assumption that I'll be good at parenting. It feels like a huge pressure for me, to be a great parent. Because I don't know that I will be.

Though I've seen someone manage life as a family man and a bad person really well all at the same time. Perhaps I can manage myself that way too?

Manuel Morales is a, no doubt in my mind, bad guy. Despite me feeling so strongly about this, I have managed to ignore taking him down and I merely am intrigued by his ability to handle both a regular looking life to outsiders, but still do wrong behind closed doors.

However, I know that if I get too close to him it could cause more trouble for me. Problem is, I'm finding it hard to ignore him, especially when I know that he's out there living his life so fucking easily.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'll return to my prior deeds, but maybe there is a way to tamp down on it all. The balance I've found is keeping me afloat, but I don't know how long that will last.

Sometimes I catch myself day dreaming about all of the torturous things I've already done to people. And also the things I have wanted to do, but never got the chance to bring to life. This is what I fear most.
My lack of control over where my mind drifts off to.

Because beneath the thin veil lies the dark waters of my mind, the murky liquid swirling and bubbling, reminding me of the past and what I once completely enjoyed doing.

If only there were a way to lockdown my thoughts, put away all of the memories and forget who I let myself become.

Yet I falter, because I still want to be her.

::::::::::::::::

Hi guys,

I will continue to apologise for my slow updates, I want to admit that writing has slowed a lot. I have times where it's easy, but other times where, despite knowing what I need to write, the writing just doesn't happen.
Good ol' writers block.

It changes nothing.
This story will be finished at some point, I've got a plan and it is gradually coming together.

I'm sorry regardless.
But I do hope you're enjoying the updates as they come through.

How do we feel so far?

Danica is still struggling with herself and the baby. Trying to figure out where the balance is for her.
It's not as easy as it seems though.

The story is beginning to build again, it's only a matter of time before it shows its colours. Stick with me!

Thanks for reading, have an awesome day or night. You all rock!!

Shantelle 🤙