After some solemn and confusing time had past, Justine helped me carefully get up off the floor. Treating me with the utmost care, she shuffles me gently over to the sofa where she slowly sits me down and bade me stay.

I wasn't going to fight it, I don't plan on going anywhere, I am too lost trying to figure out how I'd spaced out to such a horrifying extent.

Does pregnancy commonly cause such awful hallucinations?
Is that what I should expect from now on?
Or am I a special case because of what I've done?

A few minutes dwindle by before Justine places a warm cup of chamomile tea in my hands and parks her butt beside me.

I can feel her gaze. Staring long and hard at me.
Searching my features. Waiting for answers.
Answers that I don't have.

An explanation of what I saw wouldn't help things either. Telling a cop that you thought you'd killed your boyfriend isn't the wisest of choices. I knew I'd eventually have to give her something though.

"Dani..." Justine says as she cautiously touches my shoulder, her fingertips barely grazing me.

"Mmm..." I mumble the sound.

"I want to know if you're okay. I'm not sure what went on back there, but you were as pale as a sheet. Not only that, you also didn't seem to be actively aware of yourself or your surroundings. I'm really worried about you. Should I call Alex?"

I shake my head slowly, acting utterly untroubled and being sure not to freak her out any further. "I'm fine." I let the comment hang in mid air for a brief moment, hoping to now seem bewildered rather than panicked. "I think I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in years. This little thing is knocking me around something stupid." I smile as I pat my little bump with affection.

Justine smiles back, with clear uncertainty staring back at me, looking for signs of any lingering irregularities. Then deciding otherwise, she loops an arm around my shoulders and gives me a warm and gentle squeeze.

"You've really got to talk to the people around you instead of trying to go it alone, you have the best support system in your family and friends."

I nod, "I know, I know. I really don't mean to trouble you, or anyone for that matter."

"Please call me next time, yeah? Its no trouble to any of us. And I really don't want to find you in a heap again. I've never experienced a heart attack, but shit, that sure made me think I was having one. You certainly know how to stress out a woman." She laughs a little as we sip our tea in silence.

After a minute, I speak again, "I'm sorry I worried you so much. At the time I figured that I'd ride it out and it'd all be okay. The few times I've had them before it blows over quickly enough. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case this time. It felt more like I'd been swallowed up with no way out."

As soon as I've spoken the words, I regret them. Because the second they leave my lips, the deep concern she'd shown when she first found me returns to Justine's face in barely a blink of the eye.

"I'm going to refer you to someone. I think you could really use some guidance right now."

The word guidance alone has me sit up straighter in my seat.

"No, no, no, not a chance, not happening." I shake my head multiple times, setting my cup down on the table before us. "I'm not seeing a shrink. I'm fine. I'm a normal pregnant woman dealing with the normal stresses of impending motherhood, that's all this is."

She shushes me. "I'm not taking no for an answer, besides, she's not a shrink. Now then, I'm going to give this woman your number and you can merely speak on the phone. She's been through it too. Pre birth jitters, stresses and anxieties about the birth and the newborn phase. You are right, it's completely normal, plenty of women struggle with it, but they don't struggle alone. They speak to women who have been in the same position. Who know without a shadow of a doubt how lost you feel. Don't deny me this, please. It'll help me too. I won't be stressing that you're suffering in silence. Please. Please. Please." She begs me, grabbing both of my hands in hers and dragging out the last please as though she's a child begging a parent for sweets.

I groan inwardly, "Fine. I'll speak to her. Once."

She smiles broadly back at me, then promptly drags me into a tight hug.
"Thank you. You won't regret it."

I already am. Though I don't need to tell Justine that, she already knows by my reluctance to accept the business card she hands to me a mere ten seconds later. How long she had been wanting to give me that, I don't know. But it is surprising that she knew of such a woman. Being that her stance on having children is well below zero.

Mary Jane Spencer.
Guidance Counselling. Life Coaching. Mind Healing.

When Justine finally left me, I looked up this woman and what I found didn't give me any further comfort. Specialising in Finding Your Sense Of Self During Pregnancy, Birth and The After.

Ugh. Way to sugarcoat something that already sounded horribly sickening.

I don't need some kook specialist to guide me through pregnancy. I'm sure I can figure it out.

Incubation - Delivery - Growth - Development.
Voila. How much harder can it be?

What I do need help with is my incessant desire to trap, torture and kill. Where are the specialists in those field's?

Do you know what I could really get some serious use out of?

A Guide To Overcoming Your Desire To Torture.

Or better yet.

A Guide To Controlling The Blood Thirsty Demons Within.

Where are those specialists?
Oh right, they don't exist because that kind of help doesn't exist. You can't help banish the want to kill, because normal people don't go through that kind of trauma. Those types of people get sent to the loony bin, along with anyone who believes in extraterrestrial life or big foot.

My horrifying lapse in reality had been the wake up call I needed and now it seems pretty simple to me what I must do.
I've got to get myself on the straight and narrow.
That's how the old saying goes, isn't it?
Turning away from damaging addiction and finding ones self again. That's practically where I stand right now. Between what I know would be an ultimate disaster and the full and happy future that could definitely lie ahead.

The only issue is that it's so damn hard for me to visualise.

I mean, I see it.
I do.
Honestly. You name it, I can see it quite clearly.
In fact, I have seen it happen before my eyes for a while now, my school friends who had decided to have children young, bringing up their kids with the help of their boyfriends or family. Right there in my minds eye, the completely normal, everyday life for our growing little family unit. The regular day to day parenting things.
All of it, I can see us having it all.

It's right there, so close within my reach and begging for all of my unerring attention, but fuck.
Fuck.
Why am I struggling to take hold?

I want it. I want it all.

The happy family. The bright future. The definite safety for us all.

I've got to grasp it. I must.
I can. I know I can.

Fuck whatever mangled madness lies within me.
This is my life! My future! No darkness or deadly desire is going to take that from me.
I choose who I am and who I am going to become.
Screw all of the other complications.
This is my fucking life!

With all the gusto in my guts and the decision to change my future for the better in my mind, I pursue something I know I probably shouldn't, but also know that I need to delve deeper into to understand where I keep going so horribly wrong.

Manuel Morales.
The man, the mystery and the answer to all my prayers.

It's this guy that has been sitting quietly in the back of my mind, reminding me that he's got it all. The family, the safety, the future. Beneath it all, I know he's doing plenty wrong, but that's not what I'll be focusing my attention on. I only need to know how he keeps himself in check.

I'm shutting down the murderer in me to become a mother and the loving partner I should be.
All I need from Manuel is to understand where he finds his balance.

Ignoring the fact that Alex wouldn't want me looking into this any further, I decide I'm going to do it for us. I know I can fight this. And I can't do it without learning how to from someone who does so with ease.

This guy is the key.

:::::::::::::::

I made myself do some writing after leaving it for so long and I'm glad I did.

This chapter lead me through without much trouble, I didn't know where I was going to go with it to begin with, I only knew where the starting point was.

I'm so happy it flowed as easily as it did. Danica's voice was strong in my mind, alongside Justine of course. Those two go hand in hand sometimes. What a treat they are to me too. Always surprising me with their friendship.

What did you think of this chapter?

I'm always keen to hear your thoughts and I always respond to comments too.

Any who, have a great day or night, wherever you are in the world.

Shantelle 🤗🤗🤗