Twelve : Diving Into Darkness

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The human blood thirst must end.
There is no two ways about it, there has to be some way to balance myself out without the risk of falling back into old habits.
Yes, there is no doubt about it, the growing baby inside me makes this change so much more important now.

Though in all seriousness, I want little more than the whole hunting animals instead of humans thing to work. I really, really do.
It is the complete and honest truth.

The real problem for me is that I know it won't change my extreme need to stop all of the dangerous creatures slinking amongst us normal beings.
Okay, so maybe I'm not so normal, but if I were, then those monsters I've killed would still be hunting people for pure pleasure.
See my issue?

Stop the killers, or stop myself?
I hate that I know the answer to the question, but it means letting go of my side projects and letting the monsters run free.

A war rages furiously in my mind, like a life altering, all consuming storm at the thought of ending it all, it is mentally damaging me.
I want to be able to continue on my tirade and stop them all. Save more innocent people. Make a difference where it matters most.
But I know I can't.

Wrangling my thoughts, trying to set them on the course of a normal person is practically impossible. Imagine a pissed off cat on a leash, trying to protect itself by flipping around, lashing out and attacking in a manic way. Claws free and ready for an extremely painful attack on whoever stands in its path. That's what it's similar to in my mind.

I guess that's what comes with having killed before, and having gotten away with it.
Many times. My mind is convinced that the actions we have taken together are just.
Why would we want to stop that?

This is the great mental battle I fight.
It is right for me to save others from a gruesome death, regardless of me ending it for one other disgusting being. Do you disagree?
I imagine most sane people wouldn't disagree with me. Of course, it's absolutely and undoubtably controversial. I accept my deeds are not for the weak minded or more so, the weak stomached. Be it as it may, I'm making a difference. For the good of humankind.

I nod to myself once, which in turn catapults me instantly back into my empty shell of a body, that had been lying stock still on my back within our tent up until that moment. My flesh seemingly filling out again, breath escaping my lips as I resurface from the blanket of darkness that I had been lost beneath.

How much time had passed?
I look around the small space, as though I'd find my answer, but of course I know I won't.

Had I originally fallen asleep?
I feel that maybe I had, but I'm too foggy brained to be sure.

Or had I been laying here staring at the roof of the tent for who knows how long like a mad woman?
I really hope not.

"And she's back." Alex mutters lowly from my left, I turn my head in his direction only to find his back is facing me.

"I must've nodded off." I offer as a weak excuse.

"Nope." He deadpans. "We were in the middle of a conversation and you blanked out. Eyes staring upwards, though you were still blinking occasionally."

He sounds peeved. I would be too if he'd done that same to me.

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, frustrated.
"I'm so, so sorry." I say futilely.
But then my emotions decide to really kick in as I feel the fire that builds instantaneously behind my eyes, my jaw locks in anger as I force my mouth to open so that I can speak again.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?!" I bite out the words, cutting them sharply with my teeth, as if they're something that I can chew to bits. "Can't I just be fucking normal for once?" I open my eyes again. A couple of tears of frustration remain in the corner of my eyes.
I leave them be. Allowing myself a moment to feel the natural human emotion that is causing havoc within me.

After a long stretch of silence, Alex rolls to face me and says, "I don't know what to say to you." His gorgeous eyes hold mine in sadness, he might be upset that he can't change anything for me. Because this is my issue. Not his.

I shake my head, my emotions having now waned a little, the tension I'd felt before beginning to settle as I calm myself further.

"It doesn't matter. I'm just annoyed at myself." I pause, adding. "Hey, there's an upside at least."

He waits for me to continue, not sure where I'm going with my comment.

I chill of disgust and also an odd amount of thrill runs through me as I say,
"I haven't killed anyone or anything out here. So far." The sarcasm is dirty, sticking to my mouth like flour, leaving a powdery and unpleasant after taste.

Alex decides to ignore my silly comment and continues where he had lacked words before. "Let's not make a big deal about it. Nothing extreme happened. You simply had a black out. It happens."

His positivity is much needed. Because I can't find a shred of it within my own being. If he didn't offer me his strength I'd have lost all sense of sanity a long time ago.

Who else did I have to help me through this?
No one, that's who. Alex is my lifeline.

And now, my only true confidante, since Justine doesn't seem to be on the same page as me anymore.

I still can't get my head around her reaction to our baby news. She should be happy for me. Regardless of her own wants. It's not her life to dictate to. Why couldn't she see that?

Alex interjects my thoughts, "What are you thinking about?"

"Justine." I say, offering him nothing else.

"Don't let her bother you too much. She can have her opinions, they don't change our feelings about our decision. Right?" He says pointedly.

"Yes, you're right, I know you are. It's just gotten into my head. I shouldn't let it."
I'd been telling myself this over and over. But so far it had changed nothing. I'm still ruffled by her comments. And why hadn't she contacted me yet to apologise? Why is she being stubborn about it?

Seeing that Alex had offered no further comments on the matter, I resign to the fact that I'll learn nothing new until I speak with her again. I'll have to reach out to her myself when I get back to reality.

Returning my mind to earlier in the day, I am still disappointed in not being allowed to shoot that rabbit, though there was every chance that I would miss hitting it. I am aware of that truth and I might have lost our dinner, regardless I still wanted to try.

Then later, as Alex pulled the rabbit apart for us, I felt some sense of longing to take part in the act settle over my subconscious mind.

What was it exactly that I liked about seeing him disassemble the small furry creature?
I couldn't tell you exactly, perhaps it was the brutality of the act, and how it seemed so perfectly done. Because as I sat quietly nearby, he swiftly peeled back the fur like it were a faux fur coat instead of the outer layer of a rabbit, and that was truly something incredible to sit by and watch. Unreal in his ability to so easily de-robe it. Then, his fingers dug deeper, searching for a brief moment before he grabbed hold of the innards as if they were a handful of peanuts from a bag.
Careful, but measured.

The act in itself was a pure work of art.
Calculated, clean, and overall effective.

Witnessing his comfort in gutting the animal had left me with a feeling of euphoria, and I wanted to get my hands on a creature and tear it apart with such incredible precision like he had.

I don't know if he had noticed my eager eyes, in any case he didn't mention it if he had. I'd imagine he has had to adapt to my antics to extremes that I wouldn't even begin to understand. Though Alex had done so in great support of me, not so much my choices.

He has had a whole lot of patience with me, and I am hoping he will have more and teach me the skills of gutting and cleaning animals too. Because that idea alone had sent me into a spin.

Maybe, hopefully, I can tune myself into hunting proper prey after all.



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Geez.
Sometimes getting into Dan's head sucks.
The thoughts and confusion and images she produces are often all too much for me. But alas, I still tell you how it is.

How did you feel about this chapter?

Good?
Bad?
Indifferent?
Is this going to be the answer to their prayers?

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, albeit a short one for Dan. I look forward to sharing the next part with you guys. When Dan gets to have a go at hunting. It'll be interesting.

Thank you for reading and all that Jazz, have a great one guys.

Speak soon,
Shantelle 😊😊😊

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