Nobody told me that after you killed someone that there would be a pang of inevitable guilt that lived within you. Even though your actions may be justifiable and self-defense, the guilt would still eat you up inside. It was worst when you also suffered from a broken heart. I had killed the guy I thought I was in love with and his uncle. I couldn't believe that I had been tricked so badly. How had I been that clueless?

After what happened that night I was traumatized. Dad had made sure I got medical attention and tons of painkillers. For the first couple of days following the incident, I had been out of it most of the time. I practically drugged myself with painkillers as I had hoped it would have numbed not only the physical pain but the emotional pain. The painkillers made me sleepy most of the time and that was exactly what I did. I blocked everyone out- even my friends -and slept my sorrows away. Mom had been the one who woke me up most of the time to get me to eat a little something, but I didn't have much appetite. Then the nightmares began, I kept dreaming about that night. In some of my dreams, I saw Jake and his uncle came after me with blood oozing from their chests. I had often woken up screaming in the middle of the night. It got so bad that I had to skipped school for two weeks and sent in a sick medical report. Mom had to sleep with me in my room for two weeks and when it seemed like I was getting worst each day, they had put me on antidepressants. I had no idea what type they were, but they worked marvelously. They helped me to relaxed and calmed down so much to the point that I almost forgot about my initial problem. Even when I would have wanted to freak out at the memory of what happened and what I had done, somehow I just couldn't, the antianxiety tablets or antidepressants made me remained surprisingly calm. It was at that point, Dad finally decided to explained things to me. He apologized for what had happened to me because of him and then told me all about the Mafia, how he got into it and why.

I knew that after everything that had happened and what I had heard, that my life would never be normal again. I don't know if it was the antidepressants or just me feeling like I owed my life to Dad, but I hadn't felt repulsed by him or condemned him any at all. I was surprised at this and just how much I seemed to put him up on a pedestal. I hadn't blamed him for anything, I mostly blamed myself. If I wasn't so quick in wanting to date, then that wouldn't have happened. Well in a sense if Bob and Jake were that determined to get back at Dad for whatever foolishness they blamed him for, then they probably would've kidnapped me anyway. However, the situation would have been different, and I wouldn't be that hurt among the other feelings I had.

Dad had explained to me why Bob and Jake hated him so much. He told me about the incident that happened where Bob's brothers- one of whom was Jake's father- had gone to steal a shipment that came in down at the harbor. He told me how he had been there as well when they had a shoot-out, both men died as a result. Ever since Bob had hated and blamed him for the death of those men. None of what Dad revealed to me was easy to take in but thanks to the tablets, it had seemed so easier to understand without being freaked out. Those pills felt like some really strong sedatives, they had somehow not only helped me remained calm but numbed the emotional pain I had felt.

Since I had missed over two weeks from school, I had convinced mom that I was ready to go back. Thankfully, my bruises had healed and nothing was broken. I knew that it would take some time to get over everything that had happened, but after mom continued counseling and Dad had enlightened me about everything that those two guys had done, I had decided that I would try not to feel any more remorse about what I had done. They deserved to die, if I hadn't gotten rid of them, then maybe they would have tried doing the same thing they had done to me to some other innocent person.
With the help of the antidepressants though, I was able to make progress.

When I finally went back to school, I had apologized to my friends for shutting them out. I was surprised when they were extremely understanding and sympathetic with me. Apparently, word got out that Raphael and Bob were found dead in their car. The news had it that the reason for their deaths was unknown, but harmed robbery seemed to have been the motive. It also said that they didn't have a suspect. My friends knew about Raphael and I dating so they thought that I was mourning him. Somehow every story had seemed to be logical to those who didn't know better. I didn't know how they had done it, but I knew that it was somehow the work of Dad and his men.

Since my friends and I were seniors who only had a little over a month left before we graduated, the girls made it their point of duty to try and cheer me up as much as possible. Zara and Kameron were the best thing that happened to me when I started Holland high school. The girls dragged me to every single party and scheduled multiple sleepovers and shopping sessions. It continued until I eventually started to forget about what had happened. Mom had used this as an opportunity to stop me from taking antidepressants as she didn't want me to become addicted- and I was close. I had given her millions of excuses why I still needed them because I was slowly becoming dependent on them. Fortunately, she was able to put a stop to it by getting me medicated on what she called bonding therapy. She used every psychological method she could think of to help me. She encouraged more time with my friends and then mother-daughter sessions. Those were the moments where she taught me how to cook and make all of her special dishes.

Dad had always suggested that I started taking martial arts and self-defense classes, I was a quick learner as I became so good in that field, I could have probably started teaching my class. It was also one of the ways I was able to release the remaining hurt and anger that I felt as I tried to fully get over what had happened. Everything took some time but since I had eventually gotten over the loss of my parents which was really traumatizing as well, I knew that I would eventually get over the incident with Bob and his nephew. My only promise to myself was to never date another guy who hated my family.