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Being in his home, walking in like it's your space was an infamous feeling. The comfort was extreme, not like it was any different from before but the idea that Tooru allowed you to come and go as you please built an undeniable, significant trust between you two. Now you don't ever have to wait for him to open his doors to you because you already have access.

You heard the front door open from the entrance of Tooru's apartment while you were in kitchen with hands being occupied by a chef knife and half slice of cherry tomato over a brown cutting board.

A smile appeased on your face when looking at the two perfect men in your life. But when they strode in, your smile didn't upheld its shape when you noticed that the two have stressful expressions. The first person you saw it from was Tetsu.

Slumped shoulders and a miniature pout, he sent you a curious look and immediately his eyes aimed down at the ground.

"Ah, we're home," he muttered softly with a twinge of guilt without looking at you.

However, you found this strange, considering that he's not sending you his usual beaming grin and greeting you with a tiny bear hug. This is the exact opposite from his routine.

"Welcome home," you greeted gently and you noticed that Tooru have a similar expression.

It brought a sea of questions to you, becoming aware of the two as Tetsu ran off to change out of his school clothes to his home pajamas as if he was being chased. However, Tooru remained in the kitchen with you and slid off his coat from his shoulders and hung it lazily at the corner of the dining chair.

Your hands paused at cutting the rest of the vegetables and patted your hands dry on a clean rag towel.

"What's going on? You seem kind of... out of it," you brought attention to the obvious expression he's making and he didn't look surprised at all, like he wanted you to notice his crestfallen expression.

"I," he didn't finish. His eyes read hesitance when he met yours - unable to speak truthfully about his whereabouts, but he's more worried about your reaction. Another good day is about to be ruined and he doesn't want to ignite an old flame you've been trying to put out. Then the brunette sighed and closed his eyes, knowing if he doesn't, his guilt will bite back at him, "I saw Rina."

The name itself gave a massive toll on you. Just by hearing it made you glare at the ground than the context as to why he saw her. But little did you know, you were in for a treat.

Your eyes wondered back where the direction Tetsu went for safety and there was no sign of him coming out of his room any time soon.

You continued with a low voice, hoping that it was quiet enough for only Tooru to hear. "Where?"

"She was at Tetsu's school. She... She just wanted to talk," Tooru carefully explained, knowing the last time you and he had a similar conversation a while back didn't leave a good impression on him.

"About what?" You accused with folded arms. He could tell that you're not thrilled about hearing it. "About how she ruined the beach day for us? That she almost harmed Tetsu?"

You didn't want to remember it, because remembering that day will bring a certain illness in the pit of your stomach that you've been trying to get over for weeks. You feel nothing but anger for this woman for what she did, and you can only hope for her disappearance from Tooru's mouth.

"She came to his school hoping to see one of us," he explained as he rubbed the back of his head and eyed you in worry. "She wanted to formally apologize, and she wants to keep seeing Tetsu."

His explanation didn't give a shock to you. It was more like it was expected from her. The news isn't news at all and you knew she would try to weasel her way in to have some sort of attachment to the little boy you love.

But you can only think she will only take advantage of him.

Immediately, you were guarded and your stare only hardened at Tooru. "And what did you say?"

"Honestly, [Name]," he briefly sighed and made eye contact with you again with a glint of stern, "I don't know what to say, it was all Tetsu."

"Tooru," you said firmly which made him stiffen. His answer put weight on your shoulders; on the other hand, you were interested in his opinion. As calmly as possible, you did your best not to show annoyance and spoke with the last ounce of caution in attempt to ease him. "I'm not asking what Tetsu said. I'm asking about what you said."

Despite of Tetsu, this is more of how Tooru handled the moment that could progressively affect you. So him evading the question made him look suspicious. By peering at him, he seemed to be a loss of words and more nervous to answer you as if you were going to launch his head to another dimension.

But he kept his gaze on you with confidence.

"I said that it will fall on Tetsu's words, not mine," he said in defeat, although his eyes never left yours. "If Tetsu wants to keep seeing her, then I will allow that. I want that for him."

"And about Tetsu?" You further questioned and you can guess what the results were by the expression they made when they walked in through the door - as if they knew they disappointed you.

Sadly, they did.

"He said he wants to keep seeing her," he answered and at that point, you didn't want to look at him. That undeniable trust you felt earlier today vanquished to thin air.

By exhaling a long breath, you let your frustration emit through your expression - hooding your eyes in disapproval and frowning deeply. You kept your arms crossed, shielding yourself from the ludicrous words.

"So she's back? Just like that?" You pointed as annoyance was speculated in your voice. "Do you expect me to co-parent with her again?"

"It's not just you, it'll be me too," Tooru quickly defended in worry but you were still angry at the fact that he decided on these events by himself - without you.

For some reason, his reply triggered something within that you never felt before.

"Correct but I don't want that. That's the difference. I don't think I'll ever want that," you exasperated, exuding a short breath to show discomfort. "I listened to you in the beginning and I gave her a chance like you wanted me to, but Rina ruined it for herself. And now she wants another shot in playing house? She's not the real deal, Tooru. I don't understand why we have to waste our time in giving her this imaginary life she wishes for. Do you really think she's going to change - for Tetsu?"

Tooru can sense your voice trembling in fear and out of anger - that it was slightly raising in volume the more you vented out those words like rounds of fire crackers. He was lucky enough that you weren't the type to shout unless he was intentionally hurting you.

But Tooru remained silent and happily welcomed your frustration, because he knows deep down that you were at your breaking point and he didn't want push you over the edge than he needs to. He has no words to argue back and let the silence sink into the tension.

A short pause came as you stared at the ground, looking overwhelmed by leaning your back against the counter and keeping your head down to prevent yourself from crying.

"Why do we have to share him?" You desperately asked with a lowered tone, quivering in sadness. "To be quite honest, I want to be the only mom for him. I want him to just see me, not her."

The brunette looked regretful, looking back at you with weariness pinched in his brows. "[Name], I-... I honestly don't know what to do. I just want to make him happy."

Pitching your eyes, you did your best to stay patient with him. By putting your hands together and have them placed in front of your lips in a praying gesture, you thought hard how to make this man understand where you're coming in a non-condescending way.

"I'm not going to say this and make you think you're a bad parent, because you're not. But this doesn't revolve only around Tetsu," you started. "You have a girlfriend now - a long term committed partner who you also have to think about. Is this even worth the challenge?"

But Tooru only arched his brown brow, tilting his head to the side and then shaking head. "[Name], are we really going to tell him that he can't see his biological mom? It's his decision after all."

Now you knew that the whole room was spinning, because it felt like you went back in time that the past is creeping into your future. Nothing was moving forward along with your happiness.

Your mouth gaped. "You know, I didn't ask for this - this coparenting mess."

"Then what were you expecting?" He asked directly - almost accusingly.

"Not this!"

"Mommy." Immediately, the voice pulled you out of the hole that you were diving deeper and deeper, snapping back to reality and turning your head at the small child who was a few feet away from you two in the kitchen. You didn't realize that he was there, neither of you heard or noticed that he came from his room -now changed from his school uniform to a set of home clothes.

Tetsu stood warily that you can assume that he's been eavesdropping the conversation and picked up little pieces of the topic to fully understand what you and his dad are arguing about.

"Mommy, you said it yourself that I can have two mommies," the boy told you with eyes squinting in desperation. "Ri-chan will try like how Mommy did."

There was never moment you ever felt so shitty about yourself. Tetsu's pure attitude is very optimistic compare to yours. You didn't want to engage having this sort of conversation with him because the decision will be ultimately up to him.

"But Tetsu..."

You will lose me; you wanted to say but your tongue relinquished those words because it will do more harm than defend. You didn't want to put him in a place he's stuck in the middle - condemning a child to see another person who they feel attached to. Knowing that there is a fine line between controlling and free will, you didn't want to cross those two paths.

With lips tightening, the tears in your eyes began to swell but you did your best to hold them back from spilling over your cheeks. But the glossy shine gave away as it hinted at Tetsu that you were deeply sad.

Fuck fuck fuck. This isn't what I wanted.

But how can you be mad at him?

Tooru's words replayed in your head that Tetsu will always be a loving child. He's too sweet for his own good and that is one of the reasons why you love him so much, because he gave you a chance although you aren't capable of parenting.

Knowing that you can't be able to keep him in your arms forever saddened you tremendously.

"I can't stay here right now." Quickly, very quickly, you began to turn and march your way out of the apartment.

The man's eyes widened.

"[Name]. [Name], wait!" Tooru chased, hoping that his urgent tone will make your heart reel back. But it didn't. So he swiveled his head at his son as you were opening up the door, and he ordered him, "Tetsu, stay inside."

The boy didn't have the time to reply and process the information given to him so he stunningly watched his dad run after you out the door. You didn't get far since Tooru was already beating you to the elevator, witnessing you slamming the button to summon your lift before he could get a chance to make his persuasion.

"Please don't go." It wasn't forceful, but his hand grabbed your arm as soon as you began to make your way to the stairs, forcing you to avert your eyes at his panicked ones. Tooru huffed a breath, "Do you really have to leave?  I know it's hard for you. It's just, I never meant it to hurt you. You being upset is the last thing I want. So please, can we get pass this and move forward? At least, make it through dinner."

He was desperate, you knew. The pants releasing from his lips and the quivering tone from his voice, the idea of you leaving scared him. He never seen this reaction from you, and he will do everything in his power to keep you here. Also, neither have you ever been in this situation before - that you don't know what's best for Tetsu or for yourself for once.

All you knew is you have to get away.

"I don't know how I'm going to be able to sit down and act like my role as a mother is being stripped away from me," you uttered, nothing but honesty oozed from your lips and you kept your stare at his frozen face. "I-I don't know how much more I can take, Tooru. This is out of my control now."

He wasn't expecting that answer as he slowly unraveled his fingers from your arm and dropped his hand to his side. Another pause formed, rethinking about what your next move will be and he anticipated it.

"Are you giving up?"

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Posted: 10-01-22