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I never believed myself to be a girl susceptible to such heartache.

The type of heartache that left you in bed, for days, restless and on the urge of pitiful tears. You tried to wash out any of  the harsh realities you found yourself in by rewatching your comfort shows and movies, but it seemed the characters' dilemma was too meticulously related to your own. Or perhaps you sought out those details subconsciously to hurt yourself even more so that you could cast out all the tears you tried to keep placid.

In recent weeks, I found myself immersed within that cycle after prevailing through the denial phase. Now, I am profoundly desolate and engulfed in self-doubt as if the wrongdoing were on my part. I had recollected every conversation, every text, trying greatly to diagnose a reality in which I was the problem. The truth of the matter is that I needed to accept that I was not the issue which would take considerable time and a satisfying closure. The time was a given, however, the closure for which I was not as hopeful. 

Burrowing myself within the soft fleece, I had pulled the blankets up a little past my shoulders so only my head could be visible, and I could continue watching the screen. With the blinds closed and the bedroom light turned off the only thing that illuminated the room was my television. As of late I considered the darkness a comfort and being shielded in blankets a form of protection or security. 

Neither of those things, however, drowned out the sound of my phone pinging or the vibration it created when a message came through. I had been mid schoolwork when my phone rang the first time and since then the rings had become more constant. The third time I tossed my phone at the end of my bed and set my schoolbooks to the side and turned on the television. The fifth time I had a strong urge to respond and the sixth time I turned the volume on the tv significantly higher. I should have turned it off or even set it too silent, but I feared that if I picked it up now, I would surely reply. 

I had been allured by the possibility of getting answers which I so desperately wanted and deserved. I wanted to hear his voice twined with guilt so that I could take it as a sign that it was all his fault. On the other hand, I think if I had not gotten what I wanted from him then I would be utterly disappointed. I refused to go back, I was already having a troubling time pushing forward so why put myself in that position, to go through torment, I refused. 

Sitting up from my otherwise comfortable spot on my bed I dug through the bundled blankets and found my phone and turned it completely off, not before seeing missed calls and their voicemails. Anxiety had created a fullness in my chest and though I could breathe none had been entirely sufficient breaths. The tears that built up in my eyes never seemed to escape as I had been too emotionally exhausted to do so. 

With another hour that had gone by Netflix had asked me if I was still watching the show. The answer to that was the latter. My eyes were set on the screen consuming all that had played, my brain was entirely somewhere else. Somewhere else being on whether I should turn on my phone again and divulge in whatever he had to say. An apology I hoped.

Finn and I dated for eleven months. Initially, when he asked me out it came as a surprise. He never gave any indication that he had feelings for me. What also came as a surprise was me agreeing to let him take me out. I could not deny that at the time I carried no feelings for him and that I also had a challenging time saying no. Though with one good date came a few more and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. Looking back now everything seemed a bit rushed and I rested a bit uneasy thinking that while my feelings for him only grew, his feelings for me began to wither, especially in the last few months of the relationship.

I remember the night of the breakup vividly. I remember him showing up late to my house for a movie date we had planned days prior. His demeanor aloof and he seemed to be in disarray. I had brushed off the caution that surged within me. Instead, I allowed him to choose the movie while I went to the kitchen to grab the food, I made for us. Besides the quick kiss from when he showed up and his hasty hello no other words had been spoken between us.

Throughout the movie I could feel him shift within his seat, his eyes attempting to make discrete glances but failed miserably. I, however, had done the same thing only to see him, mouth hung open waiting to get the nerve to say whatever he had to say off his mind. I felt whatever it was, was no good and it was in that moment that something clicked, and I knew whatever it was had to be distressing. Little did I know that something was the guilt eating him alive as he sat on the couch beside me. Guilt that he had from the other night when I had gone to bed early after being exhausted from a lengthy and difficult exam. Guilt from him making out and fingering a girl at a bar, drunk. The details of what really happened that night at the bar were given to me weeks after. 

I had hesitated and asked myself if I should let the curiosity slowly die off, but it wasn't in me to ignore this deafening feeling I had felt and before I could get out the whole question his words conquered my own and left a ringing sensation to penetrate the inside of my ears. 

"I cheated." His words had been so simple, so straightforward. In that moment my whole perspective of him had changed. No longer was he the person I would run to in times of need or stress, or a person I'd confide in. He was now a person who caused me a great deal of pain. Which made my decision easy when I kicked him out even with him pleading to stay and talk.

My mind had instantly brought me back to when my mom cheated on my dad for the first time. I had been a curious kid listening to them from the next room. My ear pressed up against the door soaking in every word which I presumed led to my years of trust issues and envy for the kids with parents who shared a genuine love for one another. It also became one of my stronger beliefs to never find myself letting back in a cheater. My dad tried his best to keep me as far away from that situation as possible but that was difficult when we all lived under the same roof. There had been this pattern of deceit between my mom and him and every time my dad would let her back. It wasn't till I left for college that they decided on getting a divorce. Suffice to say I hadn't minded their split one bit, in fact, I only hoped my dad would end up being happier.

I couldn't imagine the pain my dad had gone through repeatedly. I wondered often if he ever cried like I did that night or did he find himself quickly prevailing. It was rare to see my dad show any other type of emotion besides happiness or stress. He never lashed out or screamed even on the days when he confronted my mom about her affairs. Either way no matter how hard my dad tried to be this positive light growing up I was bound to come up with some form of issue.

Finding myself once again falling down a black hole of thought, I quickly recognized another breakup side effect was memorializing, which was something I did frequently. One thought quickly transitioned into another, and I was heavily captivated in my own mind and the world simply became white noise. What had broken me from my train of thought this time was the soft knock at my door followed by my roommate and best friend, Hadley Davis peeking her head in.
"Sadie. I brought you some cake." Her voice, soothing and quiet, barely audible over the television but sounded like a playful chime as if to tempt me from my cave. 

We had both been invited to Emerson Montgomery's birthday party tonight, but I wasn't in any mood to socialize. I felt awful for deciding not to go, especially when he was one of the first people I had made friends with in college. Emerson, however, told me he understood, and I couldn't be anymore thankful. A part of me knew Finn would also be there as well and I didn't want to face him, not yet anyway.

"Thanks." I said meekly. I suppose I was a little embarrassed from hiding myself away in my room. Hadley had given her best shot at getting me out multiple times and I'm sure her attempts were running thin. She had been my greatest motivator and I hated her seeing me like this when she was so strong-willed and would never hide if she were to be in my shoes.

"People were asking about you. Emerson said he hopes you feel better, and Ryan asked where you were at. I told him you weren't feeling good." I'm sure her words were meant to assure me I was missed, and that the breakup wouldn't affect my relationship with anyone else. 

"I'm sure Ryan knows, Hadley." I assumed. I saw no reason to lie that I was sick.

"I'm not so sure. He seemed clueless and honestly, I can't even remember when I saw him, and Finn hanging out last." She sat at the side of my bed and handed me the plate and a fork. I wasted no time plunging my fork into the red velvet which so happened to be my favorite. 

"Well, did you have a good time?" I asked to change the conversation. 

"It was alright. I kind of wished you would have come with me, but it was fun. Emerson was already fucked up by the time we all went to the bar, and he nearly ate shit when we all were heading out." She laughed. 

Continuing she stood up and pulled away my blanket, "Let's all watch a movie. Lorena snagged some wine and bought us some take-out."

Smiling agreeably, it was the least I could do for flaking on her tonight. Following her out the door I grabbed one of the blankets with my hand while the other kept the cake steady on the paper plate. Lorena, our other roommate, already had the wine out pouring it into different glasses. 

Lorena was in the year below us and a recent transfer from California. She wanted to be closer to home without being under her parents' roof and with the college dorms occupied and us having the extra space it was a perfect fit. She was the epitome of the mom of the group. She made us food, drove us around when she wasn't drinking and was always around to listen. In our little group of three it was ultimately perfect as we all shared the same likes and dislikes but also had our own set of ideas. It was refreshing to say the least.

Grabbing the glass with the most poured I cuddled on the side of the couch. I couldn't help it and normally I wouldn't be as greedy, but I missed the buzz. Wine drunk was the best drunk in my opinion and I couldn't miss the opportunity. I suppose Lorena noticed my guilty look because she laughed before she chided into my guilty consciousness, "That one was for you anyway. I think you need it more than the rest of us." 

"I feel bad for you Sadie but you're still competent. Come get your food." Hadley said from the kitchen. Setting my stuff down on the coffee table I dragged myself through the tiled floor that felt severely cold under my feet after being buried in the warmth of my bed for so long. I didn't realize how hungry I was till I smelt the burgers and fries. Looking into the brown paper bag I spotted only two burgers, and I knew they were for Lorena and myself.

Hadley is very keen on what she puts in her body and balances out her daily meals. This was something she had always done since I had met her three years ago, however now she seems to be a little less restrictive. She was also not in the best of places when we first became friends, she made it known not many months later over drunk tears shared on our bathroom floor that she had not always been this tone. She had been considered the "bigger girl" her whole life and once she found comfort in the gym, she did everything in her power to remain healthy and fit. I always applauded her for her strong will but also made it known to her that she was and is beautiful whether she saw it that way or not.

"Did Finn try to get into touch? I wasn't going to ask but I saw him walking in and out of the bar and he was on his phone for most of the night." Hadley asked her attention directed toward her chicken salad. 

"Yea, I ignored them though." I sighed while setting my food on an actual plate to take to the living room. "He left voicemails too, but I think it's better for now if I didn't interact with him. I think it'll only make me angry."

"God, I wish I could just pummel his ass." Her tone notably aggressive.  

"Trust me I'm right alongside you." Grabbing my plate, I grabbed some water and pressed it under my arm.

"Let's go watch a movie." She preempted.

Grabbing the takeout bag, we returned to the common area. Lorena already had a movie ready and blankets on the couch. For now, hanging out with my roommate's was enough socializing for the time being. No drama or stress when it came to being around people you felt safe with, and I had college to worry about anyways and now more than ever I can give it my undivided attention. 

Authors Note:

Hey Loves,

If you are new here or have read CTL before my biggest goal at the moment is to rewrite Cross the Line before putting out new chapters. This version that you read is the newest version and though not many differences were made there may be a few. I hope you enjoyed it and have continued interest. I still have lots to learn so advice is always appreciated.

The positivity and love that yall have shown have been overwhelming and has really helped me get back into writing. Let me know what you think of the newly edited version and I'll be posting the updated chapter two within the next week or so. Thank you once again for the support.

EDITED