This chapter is dedicated to JulianaArndt for all the votes. Your support means a lot. Thank you!!

My head is buzzed from all the alcohol I consumed, and my heart is thudding against my chest as I bend a little from the knee and throw the ping pong ball. It lands perfectly into the last party cup. And everyone cheers in unison.

"The girls win!" A guy whose name I can't remember announces.

"We won!" Steff yells from next to me. "We won! We won!" She hugs me.

We are acting like we won the Olympics, but everyone is too drunk to be judgemental. They cheer us on while we behave like a couple of preschool girls.

"You freaking genius. You should be a basketball player. Score!" Steff mimics shooting a ball and giggles.

She snatches a beer bottle from the complete stranger next to her, and she uses my shoulders as leverage to climb onto the beer pong table. She immediately starts dancing, and I howl with laughter, watching her pull crazy dance moves.

What makes this win sweet is how certain the guys were girls couldn't beat boys at beer pong.

Well, in your face, Jameson!

"I know. I know." Jameson says, walking up to me. "We made a fool of ourselves." He says, and I giggle.

This party has been fun so far. There are like only five people from our school. The rest are people I have never seen before in my life. I run into Louis maybe once. That's how many people there are, and I have no idea where they all came from.

"How does it feel to be a looo, looo, looser?" I ask, grinning like a loon. This makes Jameson laugh.

"You're a fun one. Aren't you, beautiful?" He asks just as Nick smacks him on the back.

"Your fault we lost, Jameson!" He says, walking past us. "You couldn't keep your eyes off her."

"Is that right, James?" I hear the familiar voice I love.

His arms wrap around my waist, and he crushes me into him.

"I promise no funny business here." Jameson raises both hands up in surrender.

"We won, babe," I tell Liam.

"I heard." He presses a kiss in my hair.

"Don't forget you promised you'd save me the last dance. I'll be waiting." Jameson grins at me, and I frown.

I may have promised that, but for the life of me, I can not remember.

Liam takes my hand. "You're coming with me." He says before dragging me with him.

"Oh, come on!" I hear Jameson call.

***

Liam walks us upstairs into a room, and he pushes me against the wall.

"I leave you for 10 seconds, and you're promising guys a dance?" He says, eyes blazing.

"I'm drunk." I bite my lips to keep from laughing.

"I can sober you up." He says, his fingers sneaking up my blouse.

"How?" The words come out as a half moan.

He grabs my hand, and he places it on the bulge in his pants.

"With this." He says.

I crush my lips against his. And his hands trace my body as I mold myself into him. He bites my lips, and his fingers sneak into my panties. He groans as soon as his fingers make contact.

"Always so ready for me." He breaths, driving me crazy with his skillful fingers.

I moan loudly. How is he so good at this?

"Please." I fumble with his belt, not wanting to wait another second.

"Please what, baby?"

I flush.

"Liam, don't make me beg."

The alcohol mixed with Liam is a deadly combination. I feel like I might spontaneously combust. Liam takes my lips in a searing kiss, and he unbuttons my jeans just as a knock comes on the door. I nearly scream with frustration when the person at the door keeps pounding at it.

Liam closes his eyes, his nostrils flaring with annoyance as he pulls away from me.

"I need a second." He says, breathing harshly.

I groan, buttoning my jeans. I feel faint from all the stimulation, and I am about ready to kill the person at the door.

When I open it, Steff is standing there with a frown. When she sees me, her face lights up.

"I knew I saw you and Liam walk in here." She says, making me lose my temper.

"What the hell! We were in the middle of something. What do you want?"

My burst of anger makes her giggle.

"We didn't claim our prize. Come on!" She grabs my hand and pulls me out.

She is incredibly strong for someone so drunk. As soon as I walk out the door, I find myself laughing at everything again.

"Here!" Steff presents me with a bottle of Amarula when we walk into the kitchen.

"Steff, I can't have more drinks. I feel like I'm going to throw up." I tell her, sagging against the kitchen counter.

"Nonsense!" She says, a little too loudly. "This is delicious. Stop being such a buzzkiss."

I double over in laughter.

"Buzzkill?" I arch my brow.

"That's what I said." She hands me a shot glass, and I take it.

She pours one for herself, and we clink our glasses together before downing it. I catch the sight of Louis at the entrance, his eyes locked on me. It makes me squirm uncomfortably, but I smile and wave at him.

"Another!" Steff hands me a shot, and we clink our glasses together again, laughing.

When I feel like I'm about to pass out, I tell her I need some air, and I stumble outside. The front porch is full of couples making out, so I wobble my way to the backyard, and I lean my head against the wall. I thought Liam would come looking for me by now, but he hasn't.

I frown at the thought.

"Hey, love."

I jump and then laugh at myself.

"Hey, Louis." I slur. "Nice party!"

His parents are even wealthier than I thought. Apparently, when he spontaneously decided he wanted to come here and "chill with old friends." They had graciously rented an enormous house for his stay.

I remember what Liam told me about Louis being at odds with his parents when they were in New York. Maybe he worked it out with him because they sure are spoiling him.

"I can't take the credit. Ryan did all the work." He says.

I close my eyes when I feel my head spinning. I slightly lose my balance, but he grabs my arm and steadies me.

I wasn't planning on being this shit faced tonight, but Steff was next to me, handing me drink after drink. I could tell Liam wasn't happy about the amount of alcohol I was consuming, but he didn't say anything that spoiled my fun. And then Steff and I got into that silly argument with Jameson and Nick, who insisted girls couldn't go up against boys on a beer pong and win. I thought they were a couple of assholes at first, but it turns out they weren't so bad. And I'll admit, learning Red wasn't coming to the party made my night that much better.

When I feel steady enough, I laugh with embarrassment.

"I'm a little drunk," I tell Louis, who has an arm around me now.

"Drunk?" He says, shocked. "I couldn't tell."

In my state of intoxication, I completely miss the sarcasm. I look at him with wide eyes.

"Really?" I ask with surprise. "I'm really drunk!"

He turns around and looks at me with warmer eyes than I am used to from him.

"You're adorable." He says softly.

I pull away from him a little.

"When are you going back home?" I ask.

"This weekend. I want to get there before Christmas."

"I love Christmas," I say cheerfully. "Do you?" I look over at him, and he regards me warmly again.

"Why are you with him?" He asks, making me frown.

"Huh?" I attempt to stand straight, but he holds onto me.

"Liam is a fucked up guy. I would know. I saw him at his worst. You're a lovely little angel. He doesn't deserve you."

This time I push against him hard.

"Don't talk about him like that!" I snap. "You don't know him. And I'm no angel!"

Louis' eyes harden again before he smiles.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Come, I want to show you something." He says, grabbing my hand, but I don't want to go anywhere with him.

"Please?" He gives me a puppy face. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head, but he keeps apologizing, and I give in. But I feel heavy as I let him drag me away.

Liam

I hear Stefani at the door, and I groan with frustration. What impeccable timing! I'm so fucking hard, and I don't think it's going to go down anytime soon.

When she drags Jess away, I nearly follow her out with a hard-on.

"Fuck!" I curse, running my fingers through my hair.

I don't know why I let Jess talk me into coming to this damn party. I wish we were at home right now with my hands and tongue all over her soft, delicate body. I don't give a fuck about seeing Louis off. After what he attempted last time with his buddies, touching her like that, he is lucky I'm not beating the shit out of him. The memory makes me furious and helps with my situation as I feel the heat leave my body.

I need to get out of here and find her in case Jameson or the other guys try to pull some shit. I didn't want her to drink, especially since we have school in the morning, but it's been a while since we've been out, and I didn't want to ruin her fun with her friend. Then fucking Jameson and Nick had to stir shit up. The girls were already drunk and got offended way too quickly. I couldn't stop her from playing the damn game if I tried.

I let out a long sigh and make my way to the door, but something catches my eyes, and I freeze on the spot. A light blue furry notebook tucked in the shelf right next to the door.

For a second, I think I'm mistaken or imagining things. My heart thuds as I walk over to grab it, and I confirm that it is indeed the very same notebook. I flip it open, wondering what the fuck Louis is doing with Amanda's most prized possession. She used to carry this notebook around with her, journaling whenever she could. I don't think I have ever seen her go anywhere without it. As I flip the pages trying not to invade her privacy too much, a couple of folded papers fall out.

I bend down to grab them, and my heart nearly halts when I see my name written with bold letters on one of them and Jayden's on the other. I stagger to the bed and sit down before flipping the paper open.

Dear Liam,

I have written and rewritten this letter a hundred times. It's so gruesome to refer to it as a suicide letter even though, technically, that is what it is. But really this is a thank you letter for your friendship. I took refuge in you more times than I can count, and for that, I'm grateful.

I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for what I am about to confess. But I have to tell you because it's been heavy on my consciousness ever since it happened. The night of your father's wedding, I came over intending to confess that I was in love with you. And in my head, I imagined you welcoming me with open arms even though I knew deep inside that you weren't feeling what I was feeling. And when you rejected me, it hurt. I should have gotten up and left, but I couldn't. I told myself if you didn't love me, then at least I could have your body like all the other girls. You were wasted that night. But when I shamelessly threw myself at you, you repeatedly told me no. You kept telling me to go home. My ego was wounded. At the time, I couldn't see that you were thinking of me. To me, it was another rejection. You rejected my heart, and you were denying me your body. I felt embarrassed and vengeful. I spent the night in your bed, and in the morning, when I saw your confusion and lack of memory, I told you we slept together.

I gasp, and my hands shake. I close my eyes, and I control my breathing before continuing to read.

The truth is, even though I claimed to be in love with you before that night, I really fell head over heels afterward. I saw the regret in your eyes when I told you we slept together. You kept on apologizing. God! I was such a coward, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth. I saw just how beautiful your heart was that morning, and I wanted you all the more for it. But what I hadn't anticipated was you cutting me off completely even though I deserved it. I know my lies broke the friendship between you and Jayden. For that, I'm truly sorry. I have told the truth in his letter. I have also told the truth in Louis' and Ellyn's letters. You all deserve the truth, and I wish I was strong enough to say all of this to your faces. I hope you find a way to mend your friendship now that you both know.

I know you don't believe in love. And even though you haven't shared the details of your life with me, it's not hard to guess that it is by no means an easy one. I can see that you carry a lot of bitterness and grief. I recognize it because I carry it too. We all have our demons, Liam. You might be rough around the edges, but deep down, you are a wonderful person. You deserve to be happy. Please learn to open your heart. You're far too young to be so lonely. You have to work on restoring your faith in people. And maybe someday you'll find a girl who will show you the light, and you'll fall deeply in love. I wish you all of life's beautiful things, Liam.

Do not blame yourself for my decision. Neither you nor Ellyn played a factor in it. I will admit seeing you with her was a shock and far too painful, but I know it wasn't love that drove you to her but familiarity. I don't expect you to understand or accept my decision, but I do hope you forgive me. I hope we meet again in another life, in a world far better than this one.

Sincerely,

Amanda

My breath comes out in short pants as I fold the paper. The letter has hit me like a tidal wave. My heart is aching for Amanda in a way it never has before. All this time, my grief over her passing was overshadowed by the guilt I felt. And to learn that she was dealing with far worse demons makes my heart break for her. Maybe because I finally know what it's like to love, and now, for the first time in a very long time, my heart is capable of actually breaking.

Remembering what she said about the other two letters, I flip through the pages of the notebook again, but I only find one.

Ellyn's.

Louis must have read his a long time ago.

I suddenly jump to my feet as if realizing Louis' deceit for the first time. He was the one who found Amanda that night. He must have discovered the letters then. And the fucking sick fuck hid them from us all this time. For what? She clearly wrote it intending to have us read them immediately. What kind of sicko do you have to be to not grant a dying girl her last wishes? And to deny Jayden the closure he needed.

I shove the two letters in my pocket along with mine, and I bolt out of the room. There is havoc brewing inside me as I rush down the stairs. I am going to look for Louis right after I find Jess and make sure she is okay. Jess. My heart aches at the thought of her. She is my light. The girl who taught me how to love. The girl who loved me even when I couldn't stand myself. I only wish Amanda lived long enough to experience the same.

"Have you seen Jess?" I ask when I reach a very cozy looking Stefani and Ryan on the living room couch.

"No. Everything alright?" Ryan asks, obviously sensing my foul mood.

"She went out to get air some time ago," Stefani answers, barely lifting her head to look at me.

She is too drunk to be outside on her own. I suddenly feel a horror that chills me to the marrow. A sick feeling comes over me as I rush out, ignoring Ryan, who is calling after me. I look around the front yard, but there is no one except one couple. My heart painfully pounds against my chest as I walk to the back. I look around, but I don't see her. Utter panic settles in my gut as I walk back to the front of the house. I take my phone out and start dialing her number.

"Stop it."

My blood runs cold at the sound, and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. It's weak but unmistakable.

Jess.

I turn around and see a faint golden light coming from the slightly ajar door of the garage.

"No. Please, I don't want to."

I feel ice in my veins as I barge inside the garage. The sight that greets me nearly makes me topple over. Jess's barely standing figure is leaning against Louis' car while he is flush against her, his fingers unbuttoning her blouse with his mouth latched onto her exposed neck. My vision goes black, and the next thing I know, my fists are mindlessly pounding on a nearly unconscious poor excuse of a man.

***

Also, a ship name has been suggested for Liam and Jess by the amazing daniboel1007 Liam + Jess = Liss. What do you guys think? I love it. Every combination of their full name is literally the worst, LOL. So, I was very happy to discover this one.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I know it was a lot to take in. How are we doing after learning a few new details? Don't forget to vote and comment.

P.S. Sorry if I rumble on in my Author's Note. Does it bore you guys? I hope not.

PLEASE VOTE.

Much love,
Becca