Chapter Eighty-two

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This chapter is dedicated to love-N Thank you so much for always voting on the chapters as soon as I post. I'm so glad you stayed this long! Lots of love.

Jessica

"So this or this?"

Steff holds out two very similar dresses up and looks at me questioningly. She looked good in both of them, in my opinion.

"That one." I point to a pale yellow midi dress.

"You don't think it makes me look short?" She holds it over herself and looks into the mirror skeptically.

"No, it doesn't."

"So, what will you wear?"

I shrug.

She gives me a long, meaningful look.

"You know you only graduate High School once, right? Try to seem a little enthusiastic."

"I am," I say, sitting up straighter.

The truth is my stomach is in knots. Everything is getting finalized, and I'm going to book my flight later tonight. Alex suggested I come right after graduation, so I can have a few days to get used to her new apartment and the neighborhood while she is still there. She has to go to Amsterdam for a music concert in a couple of weeks, and she'll be traveling a lot this summer, so these few days are probably the longest I'm going to spend with her for some time. I just can't believe how quickly everything is happening.

For the past few days, I have been working day and night to make this move possible. So why does it feel like I am suddenly nearing the end of the world?

"You haven't said more than a few words since I got here. You're leaving in about a week! I want to enjoy my best friend while I have her." She pouts.

I look at her regretfully.

"I know. I do too. I just can't believe this is all happening. And the twins hate me."

"No, they don't. But they will miss you."

"Dean won't even look at me." I chuckle humourlessly. "This is not how I saw this time in my life going. How did everything change so quickly? It feels like I'm in a dream sometimes when I think about it."

She throws the dresses on the bed and sits next to me.

"That's life, unfortunately. We only plan things to give ourselves the illusion of control. But it can all go to hell at any moment."

I lay my head on her shoulder.

"Do you think I'll regret this?" I ask.

"Moving away or leaving Liam?"

"Both."

"I think you will miss him a lot. And you might confuse that for regret, but I don't see you regretting your move. I saw you in New York. It wasn't really your scene. And you've always said you wanted to study overseas."

"I already miss him a lot, Steff. That's what scares me."

She sighs.

"As much as I love you both. I think this separation will do you a favor. You relied on each other to provide emotional security. And when you give someone that much power over yourself, you end up like my mom. Chronically sad and vulnerable. You can't keep choosing him. This time you need to choose yourself."

I always knew why Steff didn't fully let anyone in was because she saw what love could do to a person when it didn't work out.

I nod.

"Jeremy said something along the same line yesterday."

"If you two are meant for each other, you'll find your way back."

I close my eyes and rub my temple. I have never questioned if Liam and I were meant for each other. Our connection is simply too deep to be just a fleeting thing. I honestly believe that he is my soulmate. But then again, I am only eighteen. What do I know?

***

Steff stays till noon, and Jeremy joins us for a while, and then they leave to go on a dinner date. As I watch Jeremy's car drive away, I realize just how much I am going to miss my friends.

I attempt to talk to the boys, and Zach gives me the courtesy of sitting down and chatting with me a bit. Then I go to my room and do something I have dreaded for a while. I listen to Ellyn's voicemails. And then I listen to Jayden's. It's full of apologies and explanations, and I can tell that they are both sorry. But I don't know if I am ready to speak to them yet.

I then get on with booking my flight, and I start organizing my room just so I don't have to sit and think about the finality of everything. A while later, my phone rings and my heart jumps when I see Sophia's name on the caller ID.

"Hello," I say hesitantly, picking up the phone.

"Oh, Jessica, thank God you answered. I'm sorry to call so late."

"Is he okay?" I ask, feeling slightly nauseous. "He is not hurt, is he?"

She sighs.

"He is. But probably not in the way you are assuming. He came to me last night, half drunk. It was well past midnight when he showed up."

Oh, God!

"I.. I..." I stutter, not knowing what to say.

I can't believe he would drive that distance half-drunk! Why would he be so reckless?

"I never in a million years expected Liam to seek me out for anything. I knew something bad must have happened if he came to me in the middle of the night. He wouldn't tell me exactly what happened. But he said you two weren't speaking. He kept saying he made a huge mistake. I have never seen him look this upset, even when he was a child." She lets out a heavy sigh. "He said his father's negligence and me walking out on him is the root cause of everything wrong with him."

Shit!

"Sophia, I'm sorry. I..."

"No." She says firmly. "He is right. He had no one to guide him growing up. No one showed him the right way to behave or love, and he had to figure everything out for himself. He has every right to blame us. But he adores you, Jessica. I don't know what he did, so I can't ask you to forgive him. But please speak to him."

I nod earnestly, even though she can't see me. Knowing how Liam can be, maybe I shouldn't have shut him out for this long. I just needed to get my head on straight before speaking to him. But now that I have it all finalized, I know I need to talk to him.

"I was going to. I just needed some time. I will go over tomorrow and speak to him, I promise."

"Thank you" She lets out a relieved sigh. "I don't think he would like it if he knew I spoke to you, so please keep it between us."

"I will."

"I just need to ask one thing, are you leaving him?"

I don't want to have this conversation. Especially not with her. I clear my throat awkwardly.

"Sophia..."

"I know," She says, cutting me off. "I'm sorry to be so direct. I know this is between you and him, but I'm worried. He left a few hours ago, still upset. And I have picked up the phone at least ten times to call you ever since then. I don't want him to through this alone if it comes to that, but I'm afraid he won't come to me again."

"He will. He loves his sister. And I promise I will call to let you know how it goes, but I can't say more than that now."

"I understand. I'm sure you are hurting too, Jessica. I don't want to come off as being insensitive. But I have seen the way he was with you. Liam was always a reserved child, so I assume he is even more so now. But he seemed to let his guards down around you. You brought him out of his shell and allowed us to make amends. He was very lucky to have you, we all were, and I think he knows it. Please be gentle with him."

I squeeze my eyes shut, swallowing my tears. I know she knows what I am about to do. And she is telling me farewell.

Why does that hurt so much?

"I will."

When we hang up, I crouch down next to the empty suitcase and weep.

***

I texted Liam last night after my conversation with Sophia that I would be coming over to talk to him in the morning, and he replied instantly, telling me he'll be waiting and that he loves me. The anxiety I experienced all night was atrocious. I have been driving around for the last hour, taking the longest route possible to get to his house. And now that I am here, I feel like I am about to pass out.

I slowly get out of my car and run my hands down my dress. I know that this is going to be painful, and I need to be strong if I am going to do this.

I take a calming breath before knocking on the door. My heart feels like it's fighting to explode out of my chest. I know I need to remain calm and composed while we have this conversation, but with the way I am feeling, I'll be glad if I don't burst into tears the moment I see him.

After what feels to me like an eternity, the door clicks open, and there he stands in all black, looking as handsome as ever. His face covered with light stubble, and his hair a mess, but it doesn't take away from his handsomeness.

At first, he looks happy to see me. Then his eyes fill with a mixture of longing and remorse. He takes me in, his eyes moving hungrily up and down my body.

"Hi," I say, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Hi." He breathes. "I missed you so much."

"Can I come in?" I ask, avoiding his eyes.

"Of course," He moves aside, leading me in.

We make our way to the living room, his familiar scent overwhelming my senses.

He asks if I want anything, and I tell him to get me some water just so I can gather myself. Being in this house where we shared so many good moments is excruciating. Every corner holds a memory, and my heart aches further when I see that he hasn't taken down the fort. It feels like we built it a lifetime ago.

After a moment, Liam walks in with the bottled water, and our fingers brush against each other as he passes it to me. My whole body jolts with recognition.

His eyes snap up and look into mine laced with what I can only describe as anguish.

I open the bottle and take a sip so that I don't have to look at him.

"Thank you for coming, for giving me a chance to explain." He says, taking a seat across from me.

I nod.

He takes a long breath.

"I... When..." He sighs, seeming at loss for words.

I wait for him, letting him gather his thoughts. As angry and hurt as I am, I feel a wave of compassion for him. I know he is hurting too.

Once he begins, he tells me the whole story. How he went out with Jenny unknowingly and how Ryan found out. How he followed him home and taunted him into taking the bait. He tells me that at first, he told himself he was just doing it for the dare, but starting from the moment he laid eyes on me, his feelings came rushing back. How each day since we met, he wished he had approached me without the bet hanging over his head. And after he fell for me, how scared he was that I would find out, and the lengths he went to keep me from finding out.

I take it all in. Listening to him explain somehow makes it a little less painful. Keeping that kind of secret must have eaten at him day after day. Eliot might just be the worst person I have ever met, and that means something coming from me. I am surprised at the flare of fury that floods through me when I think about him using me to blackmail Liam like that. I wish Liam would have just told me instead of going through so much hurdle just for it to blow up in our faces in the end. But even though I hate what he has done, listening to him assures me that what we had was as real to him as it was to me.

I know I will always adore the beautiful moments we shared. But I don't think I have it in me to go through the bad ones anymore. I can't survive through another pain like this. I barely survived this one! Liam didn't trust me enough to tell me something everyone else was aware of. Instead, he disrespected me by lying to my face over and over again. And now I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And what is a relationship without trust?

"Would you have ever told me this if I didn't find out?" I ask, looking into his eyes to decipher his answer. But he doesn't even attempt to lie.

"No. Probably not." He says.

I sigh.

"You know what hurts the most?" I look him in the eye. "Knowing that you chose to lie to me constantly and keep me in the dark instead of telling me the truth and trusting that I would understand. How am I ever going to trust you again, knowing how easily and expertly you multiply lied to my face? The worst part is you didn't only make me lose trust in you. You made me lose trust in love."

"Jess," He says it so desperately it catches me off guard. "I promise I will never ever lie to you again about anything. I wish I could explain to you how sorry I am. But there aren't enough words. It's killing me inside knowing I caused you pain. I won't ask for forgiveness. But I will do whatever it takes to earn it. I just..." He takes a pained breath. "Just tell me what you need, and I'll do it. I love you, Jess. So much!"

I feel my heart cracking further. A part of me wants to give into him. Give into us. But I know we can't continue on this rat race, always running and never seeming to get anywhere. How many times have we been in this exact same spot? And for so long, I had refused to see how toxic it was for us to keep doing the same thing and arriving at the exact same result.

"Liam," I take a calming breath, feeling my hands tremble. "I do believe you are sorry. And I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive you and move on. I..."

"Move on?" He asks in a pained whisper, his eyes looking into my soul.

I squeeze my hands together to stop them from shaking.

"I've decided to enroll into PSA. I'm moving to Paris after graduation."

Hello, again! I hope you guys don't completely hate me by now. The final chapter will be up tomorrow. And all I am going to say is expect something good and something bad. Please don't forget to vote and comment. 

Much love,
Becca


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