twenty-nine

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       The slump that the Christmas season had slowly brought me out of started to pull me back in, quickly this time. I often got caught in slumps that lasted anywhere between an hour and a few weeks. It was pretty unpredictable, but I always found that the bright lights strung between the streets and the snow that drifted down until it melted into the cozy mittens on everyone's hands had always given me a reason to stay happy. I didn't even celebrate it, and I still looked forward to the winter days that led up to Christmas.

       But holiday flew past this year, leaving the streets filled with ice and every inch of snow that was once used for fun was now a muddy brown and too wet to even walk on without freezing your toes. I didn't even care. Christmas Day had been such a disaster and all I wanted to do was forget it, but every little bit was still whizzing through my mind nonstop. The Montgomery's faces when my dad walked out, or how excited Izzy was before my dad went and crushed her. My father, a man who grew up like an uncle to Izzy and Blake, walking out on a tradition because she had something that made her happy.

       I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I had kissed a boy. I had an undeniable crush on a boy, and my father walked out because Izzy was in a stable, happy relationship with a businesswomen. What would he say when he found out that his son kissed his best mate— a music loving astronomy geek, too, not even a lawyer or something— and got rejected. I was already a disappointment in his eyes, now even more so.

       A week later, I was jogging through the park with only a pair of basketball shorts, a jumper, and some snow boots to keep me warm. Despite it being a particularly cold winter, I chose to ditch the whole hat, gloves, and scarf thing. It would only slow me down.

       I had taken many walks and runs that week. Usually it would only take me one or two to figure out a solution to whatever issue I was having. But with this, I was struggling. Every solution was a win-lose. There was no way I would come out without losing something I needed.

       I could never talk to Adam and the Montgomery's and have my father.

       I could talk to Adam, but then I'd lose my dad.

       I could make up with the Montgomery's and have to deal with my dad's bullshit forever.

       There really was no way for me to get through the next few months unscathed, which is why I procrastinated picking a side.

       "Higher! Faster! Go!" A small voice squealed from the park. My eyes drifted over to the swing set where a boy bundled up in an oversized coat and a giant scarf covering half his face flew up and down on the swings. I smiled to myself and went to start up my jog again, but I stopped dead in my tracks when the child yelled out: "C'mon, Adam!"

       I whipped my head back towards the little boy and peered a little closer. Behind him was a lean boy with his jet black hair tucked into a backwards cap. I couldn't help but chuckle.

       Even in winter

       "This is as high as you can go, James! I can barely see you anymore," Adam laughed, pushing his brother up quickly to avoid getting kicked in the face by the jumpy boy.

       But he caught a glimpse of my from the time in between when James was up in the air and flying back down, and his cheesy grin faded-- just a bit. I waved, and he hesitated for a minute. I didn't know whether to run over to him or sprint back home and pretend like I never saw him. But, to my surprise, he waved me over to the swing set.

I walked over slowly, trying to think of what to begin with. I felt like just a simple "hi" wouldn't do. I mean, I didn't even understand why he was talking to me. I had been telling myself all winter that I didn't deserve the attention he would give me if we made up. But here we were, standing an awkward length away from each other while his kid brother cheered and flew up and down on the swings

       "Hi," I still said.

       "Hey," he replied

       "It's been a minute."

       I nodded. "It has."

       "What have you been up to?"

       "Not much. Sitting at home and stuff. What about you?"

       "Been taking care of James a lot, but not much other than that."

       I nodded again. I didn't know if I was nodding too much, so I stopped myself after a single bob of my head. "Cool."

       "Yeah."

       "Hello!" James cheered from the swing that was slowly starting to settle. He jumped off and stumbled through the soggy snow over to us before holding out a tiny, mittened hand. "My name is James Chang. I am seven and I like Jelly Babies and also chicken."

       I shook his pudgy hand, unable to keep a smile from making its way onto my lips. He reminded me of a chubbier, tinier Adam. "Nice to meet you James. My name is Eli. Um... I also like Jelly Babies."

       "James, can you go play on the slide for a bit? It's extra slippery, so be careful you don't go too fast," Adam said to his brother. That was all James needed to hear. He zoomed off in the direction of the slide, stumbling through the thick piles of wet snow.

       I finally let my eyes connect with Adams and a shiver spread across my body. I convinced myself it was just from the cold. "He's adorable. You're really good with him."

       "Yeah, well, he's all I've got," he said, watching James slip down the slide at a dangerously quick speed, a small smile playing at his lips.

       "I'm sorry," I blurted out before I could stop myself. Adam sighed, like he was waiting for it to come, but he didn't say anything else. So, I continued. "I shouldn't have told Grace all that. I should've just trusted you. I'm really sorry."

       He shrugged. I couldn't tell if it was a "I don't really care and I'm over it" shrug, or if it was more of a "whatever I hate you anyway," shrug.

       So I just sighed. "Great."

       "Are you going to tell Grace?" He asked way too casually.

       After the initial surprise of how blunt he was being settled, I planted an innocent smile on my face and cocked my head like a confused puppy. "Tell Grace what?"

       He turned to look at me with unconvinced eyes. "You want me to say it out loud?"

       I opened my mouth to defend myself some more, but I closed it when I realised how childish I was acting. "I don't think I need to tell her. Do you?"

       "I'm not the one who kissed my best mate."

       I groaned and covered my face, the warmth from my hands burning my freezing, red cheeks. "I thought you weren't gonna say it."

       "I'm not going to pretend like it didn't happen. It happened. We kissed. I don't know if it was because you... you know something and you were trying to see if it was true, or if you just wanted to shut me up. But either way, it happened."

"Know something?" I questioned.

He took a step closer and lowered his voice so it was barely above a whisper. "I'm gay, Eli, and I guess I always... never mind. I just couldn't think of a reason why you would do that unless you wanted to test me. Only my other friends know, and that's just because I told them when we took shots for the first time when we we're fourteen. I was going to tell you, but it seemed sort of unimportant. Well, until now at least."

       I knitted my brows together. "What? You gave me so much girl advice!" I joked, ignoring the flutter that suddenly appeared in my stomach. Well, flutter is an understatement. It was more like the feeling of a truck crashing into my chest, but in a good way.

       He let out a small laugh and stepped back. I liked his laugh. It warmed me up despite the cold wind nipping at my skin. Just knowing Adam was happy made me feel good and safe.

       "Seriously, though," I started up a minute later, "I wouldn't play with you like that. Especially if I knew something you didn't want me to know."

       He nodded. "Thanks. But... then why did you do it?"

       I bowed my embarrassed head in hopes that it would hide the blush making its way onto my already bright reds cheeks. "I'm not sure," I said, only sort of lying.

       There was a beat of uncomfortable silence where I could tell Adam didn't know how to respond. "Maybe you should tell Grace," he finally decided for me, his face almost more coloured than mine.

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This is sort of an early upload because I'm going somewhere in a few days with shitty WiFi so I won't be able to publish anything, so here you go!

So what have we learned? James is adorable and honestly the best character in this entire story sorry to everyone else, Adam is gay which is preeeetttyyyy cool, and also Eli is awkward asf (didn't we already know this?). Does this make up for the sad Christmas chapter? Sort of? Kinda? A little bit? I hope so.

Thanks so much for reading and have a happy new year!! I hope all your resolutions last more than a week!

~Teddy

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