thirty-three

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        I was pacing.

        All I could do was pace back and forth in front of the door for what felt like hours. I didn't know what I was going to say or how I was going to do it, but it had to be done.

        I'd never done something like this. Usually other people left me— hurt me so bad I felt like I'd never recover. I didn't want to do that to Grace. I didn't think I would have to do the breaking up. I prepared to get my heart broken, but I never imagined it being flipped.

        That's why, when Grace rang the doorbell at exactly 5:07 PM, my fingers were an ugly shade of red and I'd paced dents into my wood floor.

        "Hello," I said as she walked into my house.

        Her signature smile was lighting up the room and I felt a pang in my heart when I thought about how she'll look without it.

        "Hey, babe," she said before wrapping me in a tight hug.

        When she pulled away, she leaned back in slowly. I turned my head away when her lips were centimeters away from mine. I almost dropped the whole thing when I looked back at her confused expression, but I knew it wasn't fair to her to keep going on.

        "I have to talk to you," I told her softly, breaking our eye contact and looking at my feet.

        She sighed. "Okay," she replied, although I barely heard it.

        We stood there, my eyes on the ground and hers anywhere but at me. I glanced up for a second and saw her blinking rapidly, her eyes turning redder by the second.

        I looked back down, my breathing speeding up.

        I made her cry. What kind of sick piece of shit am I? What if she goes and kills herself? I've practically just murdered someone

        "Ithinkweneedtobreakup," I told her, the sentence coming out like one long word right as I shoved my burning hands in my pockets.

        Then there was a beat. A really long, awkward, completely uncomfortable beat. Finally, she spoke up. "Why, Eli? I thought everything was good. Did I do something?" She asked, her voice rising an octave.

        I shook my head. "No! No, Grace this isn't you. It's my fault. I just-"

        "Are you cheating on me?"

        I ran a quivering hand through my knotted curls. "Not really...no."

        She scoffed sadly. "Not really? The fuck does that mean, Eli?"

        "I-I-I," I started, but stopped as I felt myself hyperventilating. I could feel a panic attack slowly forming like a tornado, despite my efforts to stop it. Every sound in the room became louder and more annoying, making me wince when the slightest things moved. The clock ticking over and over, never stopping, or the ear splitting buzz coming from the television that would only stop if I ripped the whole thing out of the wall. Grace's quiet sniffling suddenly became the loudest thing in the room, making me feel sick every time she coughed out a small cry. My hands flew out of my pocket and nearly made it to my ears as I tried to block out the constant sounds and loops of numbers crashing together in my head, but I stopped myself. Grace watched my with narrow eyes and furrowed brows as I shoved my hands back into my trousers.

        I didn't need to let myself scratch my arm until it was raw and bloody. I needed Adam. I needed him to play some calming music and sing the wrong lyrics while I rested my head against his chest and lest myself sink into his arms. I wasn't unsure anymore. I wasn't confused about fancying Grace or Adam or whatever kind of cheesy teenage love triangle I'd gotten myself stuck in. I was 100% sure of what I wanted.

        And what I wanted wasn't what I had.

        I opened my eyes and saw Grace staring back at me, her eyes darting around my face like she was searching for answers. I felt my stomach do a somersault, but I kept my breathing steady and my hands in my pockets.

        "Listen," I began softly, "I care about you. A lot. But as you can probably tell, I'm not very stable. I don't really know who I am or what I want and I'm trying to figure it out. And I don't mean to, but I hurt people in the process. I don't want to hurt you, Grace. I don't want to make you feel like for this entire relationship, I've been somewhere else."

        She raised a brow, and I realised I wasn't doing this very well.

        "I think about doing things with you. Going on dates, and kissing you, and doing all that cheesy couple stuff. And it's all good, it really is. But then, I think about doing that stuff with someone else. Someone like..."

        "Like Adam." She finished for me with a voice so small I could barely hear it.

        I hesitated, my breath caught in my throat leaving my unable to speak. "Yeah. Like Adam," I finally replied.

        She laughed, but it wasn't like her usually giggle that used to make me smile. It was sadder, full of disbelief and heartbreak. "How did I know? How did I know from the beginning?" She asked herself.

        I winced when a tear finally broke free and rolled down her cheek. I went to go gently wipe it away, but she pushed my hand out of her face before I could even reach it. "No," she snapped, "leave me alone."

        "Grace, I-I'm-"

        "Did you even like me at all? Or were you just using me so nobody would think you're gay?" She asked. At first, I thought it was some sort of nasty joke, like she wanted me to feel bad about it, but when I looked into her red rimmed and puffy eyes, I realised it was a genuine question.

        "No, Grace. Of course not. I genuinely liked you, I swear. The first time you talked me I could barely breathe. I thought you were beautiful. I never knew how to talk to new people without freaking myself out, but I forced myself to talk to you. I liked you a lot. I promise."

        "Liked." She spat.

        I didn't respond. I just looked at the floor.

        "How long?"

        "Sorry?"

        "How long have you known you were gay?"

        "Christ, Grace, I'm not gay! I liked you, I promise."

        "Yeah, but you also liked Adam," she said, spitting out his name like it was a bad taste. "How am I supposed to be sure you even liked me? When did you realise you liked him?"

        I bit my lip and looked around the room, glancing everywhere but her.

        "Eli," She demanded.

        "I dont know, since a little before winter holiday I guess."

        Her eyes widened at that, and I decided that it was probably the wrong answer. "You've liked a boy since November and you just didn't tell me? It's been two months!"

        "It was just a stupid crush at first," I insisted, "I thought it was just a thing that would go away. A blip in the grand scheme of things."

        "You're fucking gay, Eli," she told me.

        "No I'm not! Would you stop saying that?" I shouted as I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets and twisted the fabric around my fingers so they wouldn't move. I forced myself to take deep breathes and calm down before I would release them. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I began again, a lot calmer this time. "I liked you for a long time, I swear. The first time I saw you... I felt weird. Good weird. I never really fancied someone before. I mean, I'm sure I have and I just never realised, but I was so sure that I liked you Grace. I've never been that sure."

        She dropped onto my couch and put her face in her hands, her thin frame shaking a bit as she let tears spill down her face. Guilt made my stomach heavier and heavier by the second, but I knew I would only feel worse if I didn't just end it.

        "It wasn't just because of Adam," I told her as softly as I could manage. She lifted her face out from her hands and glared daggers at me, but I pretended I didn't see it. "I don't want you to think that the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm confused or indecisive or whatever, because I know what I want."

        I know what I want. I really do. I know exactly what I want

        "I can't trust you, Grace. You told me a lie so I'd stop hanging out with him, and then when I trusted you with a secret, you used it against me. I can't be with someone who does stuff like that," I explained.

        She shook her head. "No. This isn't my fault. You can't just-"

        "We just don't work anymore," I told her, interrupting the blame she was most definitely going to put on me. "I'm sorry. I really am and I still really want to talk to you."

        Grace swiped a manicured finger under her eyes and took a deep breath before standing up from my couch. "I don't know if I can do that. The 'just be friends' thing has never really worked out for me."

        "I get it. Sorry."

        "Whatever," she mumbled, making her way to the door. I hurriedly opened the door for her and she walked outside, giving me one last look filled with hurt before she flipped her long braids over her shoulder and walked off to her car.

        I couldn't describe the feeling after she pulled out of my driveway. I was a messy mix guilt, relief, and fear all at once, and very unsure of where to go from there. It felt like I'd lifted a giant weight off my shoulders, only to replace it with a new one.

        And even though Grace was the only thing on my mind, I couldn't help but crack a smile, because I knew what I wanted.

        For once, I was sure of it.

<><><>

This is good. Are you guys happy he broke it off with Grace? Got any Geli shippers in the house? (I'm so sorry I made that up in my head at 2:00 AM and now I can't stop thinking about it)

I also think it's important I mention that I was looking through my first drafts of chapter 1 from a year ago and originally Eli was a ginger. Ginge boi. So... take that however you want.

Thanks for reading we're almost to the end ahhhh

~Teddy

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