"All my life, people telling me just who I am. They don't
wanna know, they don't really understand. Too many
people tryna tell me to be practical, only think that I am one dimensional. But I can feel it, there's a fire raging underneath. Burning through the pages, here I am,
coming clean. I'm sick of lying to myself, gotta live
the truth. And now I've got to do what I've gotta do. This is where I should be. There ain't no other place
where my soul really sings."
—Sterling Knight, Got To Believe

CONTROL,
CHAPTER THIRTY-FO

BECAUSE MOST GLADERS typically slept outside, it was a tight squeeze. They had all been distributed evenly through the rooms, with blankets and pillows. Ruby had opened up her doors to Leo and some of the younger boys, wanting to be as comfortable as possible. Leo would probably be taking Minho's cot later that night though, and Ruby would invite one of the boys inside from the hallway.

It was difficult, but they would manage. Hopefully. Hopefully they would manage. All she could do was hope. All any of them could do was hope.

The Homestead grew unnaturally silent. At first she thought everyone was asleep, but everyone was wide awake — petrified. That's why they were so silent. Everyone was weirdly quiet. It was like they were afraid to be noticed.

After handing out a few blankets, Ruby joined Newt, Alby, Minho, and Thomas in one of the upstairs bedroom. They were continuing the conversation from earlier. Ruby just went along because she had seen it happen. Tiredly, she squeezed in next to Newt on the small cot. Aside from the bed and two chairs, which Minho and Thomas occupied, there was only a crooked dresser and a little table. A lamp rested atop the small table, proving a tiny bit of light. Outside, the murky gray sky continued to watch them all. It promised nothing good.

"This is the closest I've come so far to hangin it all up. Shuck it all and kiss a Griever goodnight. Supplies cut, bloody gray skies, walls not closing. But we can't give up, and we all know it. The buggers who sent us here either want us dead or they're givin us a spur. This or that, we gotta work our arses off till we're dead or not dead." Newt was the first to break the silence. Ruby had the feeling that it was meant to be inspiring, but it only made her feel less hopeful.

If Newt was getting to that point, what hope did the rest of them have? She'd never seen Newt as anything less than hopeful and happy, not that she could remember. She wasn't saying that the boy was always happy, but he seemed to be the glue that held them all together. If the glue dissolved, then everything else would inevitably fall apart.

Ruby rubbed her eyes tiredly. She felt worse now than she ever had before. Everything was so... screwy. Newt looked tired too, but it was Alby who looked worn down. He looked lost somewhere else, probably in his own sad thoughts. He looked depressed, his eyes sunken and blank. Hollow. The Changing had lived up to its name. Look at what it had done to Ben. To Alby. Ruby wondered if she was broken. Or perhaps because of who raised her, maybe she never saw the horrors that they did.

And yet her mother wasn't even her real mother. Sure, she'd raised her, maybe even given birth to her, but Ruby was created by artificial means. The egg and sperm of people who had 'donated to their cause.' Ruby didn't wanna know how Ava actually got these things, but she'd carefully selected them in the hopes that Ruby would become some sort of genius. And then what was she going to do? When initially she'd hoped for more? Ruby's head hurt. She just wanted to know whose blood ran through her veins. Were they even still alive?

"Ruby?", Thomas called out. "Are you still with us?"

Ruby blinked, looking over at Thomas with a nod. "Yeah, totally. Sorry."

"Good that. Alby, are you gonna pitch in?", Newt asked.

Alby looked up quickly. He looked like he was surprised someone had spoken to him, that they were all still there. "Huh? Oh. Yeah. Good that. But you've seen what happens at night. Just because Greenie the freaking super boy made it doesn't mean that the rest of us can."

"Not with that attitude, you won't", Ruby scoffed. "If the Maze is really gone screwy, then it doesn't matter what time it is. We're all screwed. We have to do something aside from just sitting here!", she exclaimed.

Minho nodded. "I agree with Ruby, Thomas, and Newt. We need to quit boohooing and feeling sorry for ourselves." He leaned forward, wringing his hands. "Tomorrow morning, first thing, you guys can assign teams to study the Maps full-time while the Runners go out. We'll pack our stuff shuck-full so we can stay out there a few days."

"What?" Alby's voice finally showed something other than emptiness. "What do you mean days?"

"He means days, what else?", Ruby asked, raising a brow. "We need to study it and see what the hell is going on out there!"

Minho nodded in agreement. "She's right. We need to check the Maze out, like it or not. With the Doors open and no sunset, there's no point in coming back here to the Glade anyway. It's time to stay out there and see if anything opens up when the walls move — if they even still move."

"No way." Alby was quick to shut that idea down. "We have the Homestead to hide in. If that doesn't work, we've got the Map Room and the Slammer too. We can't freaking ask people to go out there and die, Minho! Who'd volunteer for that?"

"Me. And Thomas. And Ruby", Minho said flatly.

"I will if I have to", Newt chimed in, surprising everyone. Newt's limp was a constant reminder that something horrible had happened to him out in the Maze. The fact that he would volunteer to go back proved how brave he was. "And I'm sure that the Runners will do it."

"With your bum leg?" Alby had the nerve to laugh. That coming from one of his best friend's lips honestly chief Newt.

When the blonde looked down with a frown, Ruby clenched her fists. "Don't you dare talk to him like that! He's done nothing but defend your dumb ass time and time again, and that's how you treat him? Way to be a selfish asshole! You really think we could all fit in the Map Room? Or the Slammer?", Ruby asked with a raised brow. "Alby, that's physically impossible. And we can't just hide for the rest of our lives!"

Alby blinked at her, either not surprised by her outburst or not caring. "Well, I don't feel good askin the Gladers to do something that I wouldn't be willing to do myself", Newt mumbled. It was clear how hurt he was.

Alby scooter back on the bed and kicked his feet up. He genuinely seemed to not give a damn. "Whatever. Do what you want."

"Do what I want?" Newt stood, looking hurt and angry. "What is wrong with you, man? Are you tellin me we have a choice? What, you want us to just sit around on our asses and wait to be snuffed by Grievers?"

Ruby hoped that Alby would finally come to his senses, but he didn't. He still didn't care. "Well, it sounds better than running to them."

Newt sat back down, dejected. "Alby, you gotta start talkin reason. Listen to us."

Alby took a deep breath. He looked them all in the eye. "You guys know I'm all screwed up. Seriously, I'm... sorry. I shouldn't be the stupid leader anymore."

Ruby's mouth fell open. "Alby, that's not true..."

"Oh, bloody—" Newt started to speak, but Alby promptly interrupted him.

"No!", the boy shouted, his face finally showing some emotion. "That's not what I meant. Listen to me. I ain't sayin we should switch or any of that klunk. I'm just saying... I think I need to let you guys make the decisions. I don't trust myself. So, yeah... I'll do whatever."

"Uh... okay." Newt seemed unsure, but agreed nonetheless. "We'll make it work, I promise. You'll see."

There was a pregnant pause. Alby finally spoke again with suspicious excitement. "Hey, tell you what. Put me in charge of the Maps. I'll freaking work every Glader to the bond studying to hose things."

"Works for me", Minho said.

"Are you guys sure that's a— never mind. I should go... get to bed or something", Ruby muttered in confusion. Something in her was saying that Alby shouldn't be trusted with the Maps, but she played it off as stress. Alby was their leader. Deep down in there, somewhere, he loved each and every single one of them — cared for them at least. He would never do anything to hurt them, right? Right. You're just buggin, Ruby. Yeah. Just buggin. That's what she had to keep telling herself.

It was weird knowing that it should be dark, expecting it to get dark, but still seeing faint light outside. It affected your entire schedule. Ruby felt like her body didn't know if it should be awake or asleep. Time was moving painfully slowly.

Ruby had gone back to her own room, which was full of boys. Leo was still in there. Being so skinny, the two of them squeezed in next to each other. Newt had come by and made sure that all the lights were off. It made things look eery. They all had flashlights and weapons, but Ruby didn't particularly feel safe.

Ruby could hear the Grievers screeching all night long, closer each time. The only thing that calmed her was hearing Leo's steady breathing. At least he was alive. He was safe. She drifted off a few times, but each time the Griever's pained screech woke her.

Ruby turned onto her side for what must have been the millionth time when she heard something odd. She held her breath, just listening. The familiar clicking of a rolling Griever. Click-click-click. Ruby sat straight up in the bed. The boys in the room woke up as well. Even Leo. They all quickly began whispering in fear and confusion. "Sshh, just let me take a look", she chastised.

Quietly, Ruby placed her feet on the cool wood and tip toed over to the window. Leo had boarded it up earlier. She stood on her tip goes to look through one of the cracks between the boards. Nothing. Just the empty, depressed Glade. Ruby went back to the bed. Several pairs of eyes looked at her, the youngest of the Gladers. She hadn't noticed, but Chuck was inside too. "It's okay", she whispered. "Just stay quiet, we'll be fine." Alright, she was a dirty liar. She didn't know that. She couldn't know that. But she wanted them to have hope.

They remained silent as she instructed. Everyone in the room seemed to be holding their breath. Not a sound. Every few seconds, the Grievers would make their presence known. You could hear the squeal of their engines, the sound of spinning metal grinding against it self. But most of all you could hear the clicking. That horrible clicking. Joining the sounds of the metal spikes against the stone outside, you could hear things opening and closing. Snap. Pause. Snap. The boys jumped in fear at every small sound.

Ruby tried to comfort them all, but there was only so much she could do and say. Leo pressed up against her. His eyes never left the window, as if if he stared long enough he would suddenly gain x-ray vision. At the very least, there were three or four Grievers out there. Ruby shuddered at the thought. They were so close...

Sometime in the night, they grew closer and closer until the Homestead. In the end, Ruby was sure that they were just outside, waiting on someone to step outside.

Fear covered them all like a blanket. One of the Grievers had come closer to the house. The sound of its spikes changed, suddenly more hollow. Ruby realized with a start that the Grievers were beginning to climb the walls. What if they got in? Then where would they go? It was horrifying to realize that they had nowhere else to run to.

Emphasizing how weak it was, the entire building shuddered. If all of the Grievers suddenly attacked it at once, they wouldn't stand a chance. The wood crunched and snapped, groaning in protest. It was getting closer. The sounds of the Griever echoed louder in her ears.

Ruby stood up and ushered the boys over to the far wall. She kneeled down, pulling them all in close. The group huddled together, whispering calming things to each other. Suddenly, everything went silent. Ruby was quick to shush the boys, resting a hand on Chuck's shoulders. They all stared out at the window, waiting on something, anything, to happen. For a long while, nothing did.

Ruby could feel her heart hammering in her chest, beating hard and fast. It was loud in her ears. She wondered if the boys could hear it, that's how loudly it seemed to her. Ruby let out a shaky breath.

Just outside the window, lights began to flicker. On and off, on and off, on and off. It cast odd flashes of light to seep in through the cracks of the boards. A shadow interrupted the lights, moving back and forth, back and forth. One of its arms had extended, searching for them. Not long after, everything stopped.

It was so quiet that you could hear each individual breath. There was a bang! down the hall, followed by several shouts. Even the boys with her gasped in fear. Ruby placed a finger to her lips. Grabbing her flashlight, she crept out into the hall to see what the commotion was about. Had something gotten in? No, not a something. A someone.

It was Gally.

DECEMBER 15, 2019
i was gonna make a song reference, but it sounded
weird.