Memories Are Like Roses in December

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I lean against the wall in the dark, not moving, practically not breathing, until I hear his footsteps fade. When the sound of his vehicle is far in the distance, I sink onto the floor and my whole body deflates.

Can I truly do this? Will I be able to spend a month with him and not get hurt? Can I really do this without losing myself or feeling like I've cheapened my soul?

I rise, stiff in my joints. An hour later in bed, I'm still too wired to sleep. Every ten minutes I check my cellphone to see if Rafa has called or texted, and sigh every time I see he hasn't.

I scrunch and hug a pillow, then flop onto the cool side of the bed. Maybe I should turn down his offer of help. Let the paper fail, let my career fail, let everything crumble. Flee to some foreign country, take a job far from St. Augustine, go back to school, freelance... Anything to avoid the painful situation that's bound to unfold.

At least that way I might salvage my self-esteem and pride.

But there had once been a time when I was completely unguarded with Rafa. When I'd given everything to him, without hesitation.

My heart, my body and my soul.

* * *

I gently placed the wrapped gift on the nightstand and slid under the sheets. Rafael's body was both hard and warm, and I couldn't wait to touch him. It was Christmas Eve morning, and he was sleeping in the guest bedroom of my childhood home.

It was our first Christmas together. Rafael managed to get four days off from his job at the hotel, and I couldn't wait to take him around St. Augustine to see the holiday lights and my high school and the old historic Spanish neighborhood that I knew he'd love because his grandparents were from Spain.

I was also glad he was with me for the break; his aunt and uncle had flown to Cuba to visit family, and he'd refused to go, saying he didn't want to visit the island because he hated the Castro regime. He said he'd never return to the island as long as it wasn't free from communism.

I was hoping a trip to my house would take his mind off all that.

"Good morning, sweet boy." I hugged him tight. I loved how his skin smelled in the morning. It was like pure sun, and I mashed my face into his chest and inhaled.

Rafael slipped his arms around me, let out a sexy growl, and snapped his eyes open. "What are you doing? Your father's going to kill us. He warned me last night not to sneak into your room."

"Don't worry. He's gone. He's at the paper. He always has a big party for his employees on Christmas Eve. We'll meet up with him later."

I moved on top of Rafa's body, kissing his neck. Spending the night in the room next to him had been torture. Since we'd made love for the first time two weeks ago, we'd slept next to each other every night in my dorm room. I was just glad that my father had agreed to have him here for Christmas.

"I missed you last night." He hugged me tight.

Of course my father wouldn't let us share a bed. I hadn't even bothered asking. Especially since my dad was uncharacteristically silent—sullen, even—around Rafael. Probably because he was my first boyfriend. My father would have to get used to the idea that his little girl was a few months from being twenty and no longer a child.

"I think this is the best Christmas present I've ever gotten," Rafael said, running his hands over my back. I'd made sure to shower and put on Rafael's favorite vanilla cream perfume before waking him.

"I have a present for you. I wanted to give it to you away from my dad."

I slid off him to sit on the edge of the bed. Reaching over, I grabbed the gift and handed it to him. It was wrapped in red paper and a perfect, silver ribbon.

"You can't show my present to anybody. It's only for you."

Rafa sat up, grinning. He untied the bow and undid the tape.

"A...book?" He turned the spiral-bound black tome in his hands.

"Sort of." I giggled, then kissed him. "Merry Christmas. I love you. Look inside."

He slowly opened the cover.

Affixed to the first page was a picture of us, taken on South Beach one day when we'd skipped class together. He was so handsome, the salt-water drops clinging to his broad chest. I wore a pink bikini. Our arms were wrapped around each other, and we wore the biggest smiles against a backdrop of blue ocean.

"I've never looked happier than in that photo." I tapped on it with my index finger.

He turned the page and sucked in a breath.

I gestured to the page. "I took the rest of the pictures. For you."

His pupils dilated as he drank in the sexy images.

"My God, I've never seen anything more sexy. Not even in Playboy."

His surprise turned into a huge grin. He stared at a photo of me nude, silhouetted by a window. And another of my legs, wearing only calf-high socks. A third photo showed only my breasts. Each page revealed a more explicit, sensual picture. They were all in black and white. I grinned lustily, drunk with my own image and his speechlessness.

"Remember that photography class I took? I learned how to use the time release on my old film camera. I tried to be artistic, not raunchy."

"You didn't take these to a store to get them developed, did you?" He glanced at me with concerned eyes.

I shook my head. "I locked myself in the old darkroom at the school paper one night when you were working and developed them myself. Old-school photography."

"Good." He exhaled, then pushed the blanket away from his legs. "I wouldn't want anyone but me to see them. They're beautiful. More than beautiful. Stunning. Incredible. Fucking hot."

I leaned in to kiss him, pausing near his lips.

"Do you like them?"

"Yes, so much," he breathed.

He squeezed my hips with his hands and pulled my body toward his as he whispered soft in my ear. "I love you, Justine. I want to spend every Christmas with you forever. Can we? Please?"

* * *

"Well, you've now seen it all. The booming metropolis of St. Augustine." I waved my hand at the windshield as I navigated my dad's BMW past mansion after mansion decorated with glittering holiday lights. "People in this neighborhood go all out. In every neighborhood, really."

From the passenger seat, Rafael grinned. "It's nice. Small. I like it. Change of pace from Miami."

"You do? Really?" I wrinkled my nose as we came to a stop sign. Ever since we'd arrived yesterday, I'd wondered about what he'd think of my hometown. Scared that it would be awkward to stay at my dad's house. Worried he'd figure out I was uninteresting and a little screwed up, then find a way to break up with me.

"Aww, babe." He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. He smelled fresh and citrusy from the new Armani cologne I'd bought him for his birthday. "You thought I wouldn't like it here because it's so small? Because it's not the city?"

"Yeah. It's not what you're used to."

"Because it's mostly white, with no Cubans, no Haitians, no South Beach, no hustle?"

"Yeah, that." I accelerated slowly. We were close to the historic downtown, which is why throngs of tourists were strolling the sidewalks, taking in the holiday displays in the store windows. My hometown went all out for two things: pirate festivals and Christmas.

"It's just different, that's all."

"Justine, I don't care if it's different or not. I'm here for you. With It's our first holiday together. We're on break from school, there's no Miami traffic and we had an awesome drive north together. I got to meet your dad for the first time and you gave me that amazing present this morning."

He laughed, and I did too. Earlier this morning I'd snuck into his bed — my dad made us sleep in separate rooms, but he'd gone to work — and I'd given Rafa a book of photos. Sexy photos. Of me. It was the boldest thing I'd ever done, but since I met Rafael in October, I kept doing newer and bolder things. He was my first in every way possible.

And my only.

"It's the best winter break ever, muñeca. And we've still got," he checked his watch, "four hours until Christmas. How can it get better?"

As I drove, I spotted two things almost simultaneously. Sugar Rush, one of my favorite places in town, and a parking space a block away. I took a sharp turn toward the space and Rafa gripped the door handle. He usually drove, but tonight, I'd insisted on taking one of my dad's cars because I knew the area.

"Here's how it will get better. Frozen hot cocoa at Sugar Rush. It's a holiday tradition."

"My sweetie wants something sweet."

God, his voice. So low and sensual that it made me shiver. I brought the car to a stop in the middle of the lane. "How do you manage to sound so dirty when saying something so innocent?"

He laughed. "Justine? You sure you can parallel park? This is bigger than your little car."

"Yeah, I'm good. No problem here."

After three tries, I gave up and let Rafael take over. I gestured to the car as we switched spots. "You're used to this, having grown up in the city and all. Plus I'm spatially challenged."

"You're not challenged at all. Your mind's on cocoa. Or something else."

Like that wicked grin of his. I still couldn't believe Rafa was my boyfriend. Never did I dream that I'd meet the love of my life before I turned twenty. I was only a freshman in college, and I knew he was the man I wanted to marry. Weird, right? And yet, it felt perfect.

I stood on the sidewalk and watched him easily maneuver my dad's big sedan into the space. Rafa climbed out of the car and I slipped my arm through his.

"You looked like you belonged behind the wheel of that BMW."

He laughed softly. "Babe, someday, I'm going to drive a car that's worth five times that. And I'll have three of 'em. You'll see."

By then, we were at the door of Sugar Rush, and when Rafa held it open for me, a blast of caramel-scented air came at us full force. I let out a squeal. The entire shop was done up in red and silver holiday decorations, just as it had been for every Christmas since I was a child.

"This is my favorite thing in the entire world," I said. The place was packed, and we found our way to the end of the long line. He raised one dark eyebrow.

"Okay, my second favorite."

He kissed my temple. "I'm learning new things about you every day. But isn't frozen hot cocoa just, like, a milkshake?"

I pinched his stomach. Well, pinched wasn't the right word, since he only had muscle on his midsection. So my pinch was more like a grope. "No. Silly. It's totally different."

"Can you explain the difference?" He slung his arm around my shoulder.

"Not really, but..." my voice trailed off as my eyes landed on a table in the corner. The two girls sitting there were waving frantically at me. I groaned silently. Katy and Lucy. Ugh. It wasn't that I was trying to avoid people from high school. It's just that I'd worked particularly hard to put my teenage years behind me.

I actually had only one close friend from high school — Diana. That was enough.

These two — Katy and Lucy — had been more like frenemies. I'd actually forgotten about their existence until this very moment. Standing here, seeing their effortlessly pretty faces, the past came rushing back. The petty bitchiness, the snide comments in gym class, the simpering pity when my mom and brother were killed in a car crash.

Gah, I hadn't wanted to dredge any of this up during Rafa's visit.

"You know those girls?" Rafa asked.

I gave them a tepid wave across the crowded room. "Yeah, we went to high school together."

As soon as I got to the University of Miami, I'd carved out a new life. A new identity, really. I was assistant editor of the school paper, improved my Spanish, and was learning about Latin American politics through various campus clubs.

And had fallen in love.

Rafa tugged on my ponytail. "Why don't you go say hi? I'll stay in line and get our milkshakes."

I turned to him, staring into his beautiful, dark eyes. Should I tell him I'd rather stay with at his side? Something about being so physically close to him made me feel protected. A feeling I hadn't had in years. No, I needed to show Rafa that I was strong and social. Even though I knew we were soul mates, our relationship was pretty new. I didn't want to turn him off by being needy or clingy.

"Thanks. I'll do that. And it's frozen hot chocolate. Not a milkshake." I booped his nose with my finger.

I wound my way around at least ten packed tables until I got to where Katy and Lucy were sitting. They yelped and stood to hug me, as if they'd missed me. A little shocking, since we weren't at all close in high school. But maybe this was what people in college did during winter break — put old grudges and past annoyances aside. Holiday spirit and all that.

Cool, cool.

"How are you? Justine, you look incredible," said Lucy. She was a tall brunette, with amber eyes and porcelain skin.

"She's glowing," said Katy, who was about my height. She had a mane of curly, red hair and a face full of freckles.

"Thanks, so do you," I said. "How are things with both of you? How's University of Georgia?"

"Ahh-mazing," Katy said. "We both rushed Phi Delta and got in."

"Oh," I said. "Nice. Congratulations."

"How about you? Did you pledge at UM?"

Funny. For half of high school, I assumed I'd join a sorority once I got to college. Life had taken a different turn after the crash. Things that used to be important suddenly weren't. "No. I didn't. I'm on the school paper, though."

"Oh," they both said, their faces pinched.

"Fun," Lucy said, sounding as if she'd swallowed something sour.

"Where's Diana?" Katy asked. "You two are usually inseparable."

"Or maybe she's been replaced by someone else? She must be jealous," Lucy looked over my shoulder, probably at Rafa, and snickered.

A vague memory of Katy spreading rumors freshman year about how Diana and I were lesbians came to mind and I winced. Lucy also had the biggest crush on my brother, I recalled, but was pissed when he'd asked another girl to the prom that year. It had been a whole dramatic showdown at school, and then a week later, he was dead.

I didn't need or want any of these memories. This was an awful idea, talking to them. Maybe coming to St. Augustine was an all-around bad plan.

"Diana's at home with her folks. They're having a big family dinner," I said. "And yeah, that's my boyfriend. Rafael."

"Rafael," Lucy said in a low voice. "How...exotic."

I reared back. Did she just use the word exotic to describe my Cuban boyfriend? "What?"

"Nothing," she said brightly. "That's nice you met someone so quickly. When's the wedding?"

"I'm so lucky. He's a great guy. Makes me really happy."

"Ooh, someone's in love. Where's he from? Is he on the paper, too? Or in a frat? What's his story?" Katy asked.

"We met in class. He's from Miami." I grinned. The idea of Rafa being in a frat was hilarious. Between his classes and his two part time jobs, he barely had time for me. Something I disliked, but understood. Rafa had ambition, something that most of the rich kids I'd grown up with lacked.

Katy's eyebrows shot up. "Well, it's obvious he's not from here. What does your dad think of him? I can't imagine that Edward Lavoie, the conservative newspaper owner, was thrilled to meet his daughter's boyfriend from Miami."

I shot her a simpering look. "My father adores him."

Okay, that wasn't true at all. In fact, Dad had been weird about Rafa ever since we'd arrived yesterday. It was as if he had a perpetual grimace on his face whenever Rafa was in the room.

But I wasn't going to tell Katy that. I'd assumed it was because Dad was always moody around the holidays. Or had been since my mom and brother died.

Katy flipped her hair behind her shoulders. She'd always had the best hair, never frizzy and always perfectly straight. "Oh. Well, great. He is super hot. I'll give you that."

"Uh, thanks?" There was no denying that Rafael was beautiful. In the bright light of this candy shop, his tall frame, his bronze skin, and glossy black hair stood out. I secretly thought he looked like a model in his leather jacket, white T-shirt, jeans and black Converse.

"I would have never guessed you'd end up with someone like him," Katy mused.

"What do you mean?" I needed to flee this conversation. The shop's caramel-scented air suddenly seemed stifling and saccharine, and the place felt claustrophobic with conversation and bodies.

She shrugged. "I just pictured you with someone more, I don't know. Preppy. Traditional. You never seemed to be a risk-taker in high school. And that man looks like he's all risk."

"And all reward," Lucy chimed in. Both cracked up.

Bitches. "Whatever," I muttered. Relief flooded my body as Rafa came toward me.

"Hey, babe. I have your frozen hot cocoa milkshake. I think it's the sweetest thing I've ever tasted." He leaned in and kissed my cheek, his lips brushing my ear. "Except you."

"Thanks. Meet Lucy and Katy. Guys, this is Rafael, my boyfriend." I took the cup from him, blushing at his words, and sucked in a long sip. It was shockingly sweet. Had it always tasted like this? I sipped again and watched the two size up Rafa.

He shot them that dazzling smile of his. Lucy's cheeks turned a little pink as they shook hands.

"So, Rafael," Katy said in an exaggerated southern accent, "Where are you from?"

"Miami," he replied.

"No, where are you really from?"

I felt my face get hot. "You know, that's a rude question. It implies that he's not American and that he doesn't belong here."

"I'm from Cuba." Rafael's expression had turned into a half-smirk.

"Oh," Katy said, grinning. "Interesting."

"Well, nice seeing y'all," I said, edging closer to Rafa and giving his side a little push. "We're going to get going. Have to get ready for midnight mass."

"Merry Christmas," they said in fake, high-pitched voices.

"Feliz Navidad," Rafa replied, and we walked out.

Neither of us said anything as we made our way to the car. I was turning over a hundred questions in my mind.

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