Okay it's 3 AM again what's wrong with my sleeping habits...not used to the new country and time zone I guess lol

You guessed write, it's a non-proof read pile of shit. Problem? Well fuck you, it's my artistic writing style

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I was vaguely aware of someone touching my shoulders and back this morning, but it wasn't enough to make me wake up.

Eventually the touching turned to light poking though.

"Riley."

"Mhm..."

"Riley, get up."

"Ughh."

"Come on, we need to get up. Unless you want Clara seeing you naked."

"Just cover me with the sheets and pretend I'm dead." I huffed as I shuffled around.

"I thought you couldn't take even one absence from school or you'd get kicked out." He shoved me and I grumbled before lifting my head.

"I need a shower."

"Well there's one on this floor in the spare room so you can use that. I'll use the family one."

"Great, thanks." I sighed, feeling extremely tired.

Ugh what have I done.

I sighed before sitting up, trying not to be awkward as I grabbed my clothes.

"Towel?" I wondered and he passed a small one, making me give him a look.

"What? My parents won't come up here till I usually get up in half an hour.

"Ugh why are we up half an hour early..."

"Because I need to make sure they don't...you know, know."

"Right..." I yawned before leaving his room. I looked anxiously down the bannister that showed the thankfully empty living room, before entering the spare room.

What the fuck is this shower...

I stared at the blank black panel in confusion.

Ugh...

I tapped the screen then nearly squealed when water rushed out at full force.

"Cold..." I mumbled to myself, desperately trying to tap the screen that has just lit up with buttons.

Why the hell is this like some kind of alien spaceship?

I quickly got dressed after showering, changing into jeans and a thick hoodie. I crossed my arms, feeling a little more comfortable now I had some clothes on.

Erin wasn't in the room when I returned, and it was strange to see it done up neatly. Okay, he's gone a little overboard here, he never has a completely clean room.

I dumped a shirt back on the floor, chuckling to myself before grabbing my bag and heading down the stairs.

Clara greeted me in the same energetic way as last night, leaving me a little stunned.

She'd even prepared s breakfast, which made me feel awful.

I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling bad when people do things for me.

I mean, how am I supposed to pay them back? It's confusing.

The walk through town was stressful, so many teenagers everywhere, all hyperactivly shouting and running around.

I'm so fucking tired...

"Hey!" A hand grabbing my sleeve made my jump and look up with wide eyes. "Are you okay?" Erin chuckled at me.

"Uh, yeah, what's wrong?"

"I have art, other building."

"Oh, right, bye then." I said quietly and he just stood there.

I looked up at him in questioning as we stood in the busy hallway.

"You should probably go to the nurse and try go home, you look like you need some sleep." He frowned and I sighed.

"I'm fine, besides, I want to use my limited sick days for more important matters..."

"You sound like you're an employee." He chuckled.

I gave him a small smile, but a strange anxiety growing in my gut made me frown.

He went quiet, then stepped forward slightly. He looked upset, and I lifted my head to watch him.

"Hey, I'm sorry, about last night." He said, making me look around to make sure no one was listening.

"Sorry?"

"Well, it wasn't very appropriate considering your circumstances."

"What, I thought I told you I didn't mind-"

"No, not the act itself, just, well, complicating things because of it. I'm not talking about what happened in England affecting you, I mean your situation with your step- brothers."

"Oh..."

"Well, I know it won't happen again, because I'm certainly not the one you are most attached to..."

"What? What are you implying-"

"I'm not implying anything! Just, it would be stupid to think I have a stronger relationship with you than the others, I mean, you're with them most of the time, and you spent that time in England with them, doing things for me..." He sighed as I frowned at him. "I just wanted to experience it, because I felt my chance was slipping, but I shouldn't have."

"You're my friend. Our relationship is unique."

"Yeah and that's why I shouldn't have." He gritted his teeth and I just blinked at him.

"Well I mean, I did say that it was a bad idea, considering the consequences." I smirked.

He made a face and stared at me seriously. "You don't resent me for it do you?" He asked and I huffed.

"Erin, you're going to make it awkward like you were worried about."

"Yeah... I won't do it again. I swear, don't be scared of me."

"You're really confusing me."

"I know, I'm just worried." He sighed. He clicked his tongue as he looked around the hall. "Just... one more thing." He said facing me and closing the gap.

He pressed his lips against mine in a gentle but slow kiss, and I stared at him with wide eyes when he stood back. He looked like he was going to say something, but then just turned and left, leaving me with all the people staring at me.

Um...

I smiled at them awkwardly, before turning around and wondering down the hall.

Okay, that awkward interaction set something off.... I'm so anxious.

Actually, I guess that was here this morning too...

I chewed on my my lip as I walked, the building panic in my chest making me feel a desire to 'go home' whatever the hell that meant for me.

I wanted to be somewhere safe, but I was exposed in the middle of a school.

I really hope this isn't a panic attack coming on...

-

School was seriously stressful today. Nate and Alex we're at each others throats like archenemies or something.

The subject of their disagreements shifted from one silly reason to another, so I was left confused as to what started it all in the first place.

Probably something I don't want to ask about....

I was always worrying about someone watching me. Of course I had no actual evidence of that, but I kept on thinking about the idea that Finn would have found it all too easy to hire a new stalker...

I really hope he's laid off on the demeaning texts, especially because I can't read them, or know if there is indeed someone around...

I shouldn't worry about that...

I almost felt physically sick with anxiety by the end of the day, it was nearly completely unfounded and was driving me insane.

I had to sit in-between Alex and Nate in the car as they argued, and almost bashed their heads together.

Chester was the one that picked us up which was unusual, so I asked where Aaron was when we got home.

"At the sanctuary, something about a lamb with a cold." Chester sighed when I asked, seeming annoyed.

Hope that isn't because of me...

"Are you alright?" I changed the subject, and he glanced at me.

"What?"

"You seem angry."

"Just fed up of my annoying little brothers." He huffed, before smirking and turning to me fully. "And also put off that you ask me of the whereabouts of other men." He teased, and I gave him a look.

"Ssh." I tssked and moved to go upstairs.

I wonder if Luca is around...

When I sat my room my anxiety worsened, and I continued to chew harshly on my lip.

Ugh, so much for a I want to go home feeling, I guess that's not what it is...

Well, this house isn't my home, anyway, so am I really surprised.

I guess I'm just stuck with this feeling.

I clicked my tongue restlessly before standing up and heading back down the stairs.

I avoided any loud rooms, but wondered around the whole house looking for someone, or something.

I eventually walked through an empty sitting room and stood outside the study that was at the other side of it.

I hesitated when I saw Luca sitting at the desk, doing some work.

Hmm, probably best not to stress him out with my presence.

I sighed and contemplated just grumpily sitting alone in my room.

"What's up?" Luca suddenly asked without turning around and I frowned.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I can see you staring at me in the mirror." He turned and smiled at me.

Oh.

I chuckled, blushing slightly. "Sorry."

"Well, what's wrong?"

"I'm just, looking for someone... calmer." I admitted and he smirked.

"I like to think I fit that criteria." He turned around to write something then put the pen down. "You usually don't come out of your room though so I'm curious as to what's bothering you." He looked at me seriously and I restrained myself from rolling my eyes.

"I'm just anxious." I sighed as I walked into the room.

"Is there a specific reason?"

"No, I don't think so..."

"So just general anxiety, I can get you meds for that if you want." He suggested and I winced as I sat down on the sofa on the other side of the small room.

"No, thanks..."

"It really does help you know, and maybe if you weren't having physical psychological troubles you can concentrate on healing more... subconscious ones." He tried to continue his work as he spoke, but his pen movement had slowed significantly.

"There's a difference...?"

"Yes, but you probably don't want to talk about that."

"I guess not..."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't need to talk about anything, I was just looking for a distraction. It's harder to be antisocial when I don't have a phone..."
I complained, then realised my mistake. Shit, I'm not supposed to tell him about any of that.

"Why don't you take up gaming?" He asked, too distracted by his work to take in what I was saying apparently.

"Um, no thanks, not really my style."

"Well if you're introverted you mindswell do introverted things... Although the fact that you fear being alone makes being asocial difficult..."

"Indeed..."

"Being in such a house of conflict and idiocy doesn't help either..." He complained after another loud burst of shouting and something thudding sounded.

I sighed and shook my head, hoping the arguments wouldn't escalate to a physical fight.

"How about you talk to that friend of yours." He sighed, and I bit my lip.

"Ah yes my friend, who I did come back from seeing despite you worrying otherwise." I teased and he dramatically swirled the chair around to face me making me chuckle.

"Yes you did, good boy." He homored me and I shook my head at him.

"You're too paranoid."

"You're too anxious."

"Touche."

"We all have our faults to balance the scales. Unfortunately for you life deemed your traits too unbalanced to the good side, and had to even it out."

"Oh great, I'll thank some scales for my traumatising experiences shall I." I chuckled.

"It was supposed to be figurative."

"Right, well it's a bit inaccurate, I had so many bad traits to even it out already."

"Bullshit." He smirked and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You can't think of any?" I sighed, and he just shrugged.

"None that out way the good." He smiled, then turned serious.

He seemed to be thinking about something that displeased him. "...How is your friend?" He asked, catching me by surprise.

"Erin? He's fine..." I answered unsurely, confused as to why he'd bring him up.

He just stared into my eyes with an intensity, making me nervous.

"You still get along fine?" He prodded, and I frowned.

"Uh, yes."

"I see." He sighed, before smiling. "Well, I should get on with my work." He said as he turned back around, and I stood up.

"See you later." I mumbled while frowning, before leaving the room.

Strange man.

-

I spent part of the evening doing some revision, but after a while I decided to respond to Erin's Facebook messages. He was easy to talk to through the screen, without the awkwardness to create tension.

He didn't seem to be acting differently, but I knew emotions and thoughts could easily be hidden and twisted behind text.

When the dreaded night came my anxiety had only grown, as did the tension in the house.

Both Alex and Nate came into my room, glaring daggers at eachother. Alex talked of Aaron telling him to stay in my room tonight, and Nate was obviously against it.

After they started arguing I slapped my laptop shut with a sigh and questioned where Aaron was in order to solve this conflict.

However, they simply said he was still at the sanctuary, this late at night, probably means he won't be coming back.

So I had to tell them both to leave, and that I didn't need company.

I'd rather calm a brewing storm than sleep in awkward tension anyway.

Although, I was probably only delaying the inevitable.

Of course, sleep didn't come as I lay there by myself, and I eventually sat up with a sigh.

I looked to my bedside, noting the time was 3.45 AM, before standing, and simply placing a hoodie on before heading downstairs.

The often busy downstairs rooms gave me a feeling of peace as they stayed in dark silence, but it eventually morphed into anxiety.

I sighed, pulling the sides of the hoodie across my chest in the chill, before heading out the back door.
I sat down on the edge of the deck, and stared at the dark trees.

I want to go home...what is this feeling.

I guess just reminiscing of a time long past, but that was a different life, and a different country...

I have I ever really had security and comfort, or was I just more foolish and naive back then, taking fake and hollow affections as genuine.

I feel anxious and insecure, but I know if I wanted reassurance I need only seek the company of someone interested...

Although maybe that type of affection is hollow too.

Am just going to sit here making myself feel depressed or something.

I sighed again, before running my hands through my hair.

I just want to sleep...life has been such a fucking bitch lately, the least it could do is let me sleep...

I need to stop thinking...

I shook my head to rid myself of unhelpful thoughts, but as I held my hand out in front of me I realised it was trembling.

Oh dear...

I placed my head in my hands and stared at the ground beneath me, trying to regain composure.

Think happy thoughts.

Uh...

Okay, nothing springs to mind.

I chuckled spitefully to myself before looking up.

The sky was cloudy and dark, but a few stars showed through.

I narrowed my eyes at them, fucking shiny ass bitches.

There were sounds from inside, and I turned my head slightly to listen.
Someone is walking around downstairs.

I bit my lip, wondering what the matter was, and not really wanting to be spotted out here in this state.

I'm so tired...

Please just stop, can't you see there is no point in feeling this way.

Please make it stop.

Just go away.

I want peace...

Stop.

Stop torturing me like this. Why can't I be normal...

Stop.

"Sunshine..."

A voice made me jump, and I looked up as a hand was placed on my shoulder.

Aaron was kneeling down next to me, concern on his features. He was still wearing his day clothes... must have got back only recently.

"Where have you been?" I asked, momentarily distracted.

"Looking after one of the lambs." He answered simply, before settling down.

He brushed his hand through my hair gently when I refused to give him eye contact.

"Why are you awake?" He asked quietly. "I went to check on you and your room was empty."

"I'm sorry..." I was about to make up some excuse, but then just sighed tiredly.

"Did Alex not stay with you?"

"I couldn't...it would cause too much upset..." I chewed on my lip. "... They've been fighting so much today..."

"Hey." He warned as he grabbed my chin, looking at my mouth. "You've drawn blood..."

"Oops..." I tried to smile reassuringly.

"Something else is bothering you." He stated, and I frowned.

"I'm anxious, my brain torments me."

"With no trigger?"

"I don't know..."

"Has someone done something to upset you?"

"Other than constantly fight?" I huffed.

"Something has triggered your anxiety."

"I don't know..."

He stayed silent for a little bit, and I stared at my trembling hand.

"I think you do know." He stated quietly, and I looked up at him.

I do?

Well, I guess I was trying to fool myself into thinking it wasn't anything to do with last night.

I shouldn't have...

I'm making everything worse.

"Hey hey, calm breaths." Aaron suddenly grabbed my arm, and I realised I had started hyperventilating.

"I'm sorry...." I panicked, trying to move away but he held on.

"Hey, you don't have to hide from me." He reassured, keeping firm eye contact.

I shook my head as I looked at him.

"Riley..." He sighed. "I'm not going to judge you." He promised, and I sat still.

I shook my head again after a moment of thought, and he smiled at me before putting his arm around my shoulders.

"That's okay, you don't have to say anything."

He sat in silence for a little bit, moving his hand to stroke the side of my cheek.

I eventually began to feel less tense, but my chest was still tight and painful.

I put my hand to my lips, leaving the red of blood on my fingers.

Huh... I didn't even notice myself doing that. At least, not to that extent.

"I think you should probably tell me what brought you to self harm, otherwise I fear for your mental health." He said seriously, and I frowned.

"It wasn't self harm..."

"You harmed yourself, pretty sure that's the definition."

"Accident..."

"I'd advise that you help me help you by telling me what is stressing you out to this extent."

"I'm not sure I should talk about it..."

"I already guessed it was something of that nature, and due to recent events I already know who it involves."

I sighed. "Always so easily read am I."

"More like I have learned to pay attention and read your language."

I frowned as I stared down at the ground.

"I'm just fucking everything up."

"Did you do something not well received?"

"No...I don't think so."

"You did do something, though."

"Yes..."

"It wasn't forced?" He asked, making me blush and turn my face away.

"No..."

"Then what bothers you?"

"Just my nature."

"Your nature?"

"Being fucking slutty."

"Hey." He sighed. "That's not a word that fits you in the slightest."

"How would you know? You don't know the extent of what I've done... how many people I've messed with." I bit down on my lip. "I'm like a fucking plague, manipulating people and pitting them against each other...I can't even keep one normal relationship..."

"The fault is not yours. These are people of free will. And the manipulation comes from them." He stated, making me look up at him with a frown.

"What would make you say something like that against your own