I updated Chapter 46 a couple of hours ago so check that one out before this one!

Two/ Three Chapters Left guys!

There are a Time Jumps in this so i'll indicate what day it is and like what part of the day it is lmao in bold. Just incase it's confusing. 

Wednesday Night: (After beach)

 Few hours later I was standing in Jackson's kitchen humming to the music as I cleaned up dinner. He had gone for a shower after dinner as I had gone for one before. My hair was laying wet down my back but I couldn't be bothered to dry it today. Usually I did but I felt as if it deserved to curl today.

I don't even know what I'm on about.

It wasn't awkward between us now, not even one bit. If anything, Jackson was finding it harder to keep his hands to himself.

He kept just touching my skim aimlessly, it was the best feeling.

Singing alone to myself I can't help but feel as if what happened between Jackson and I, gave me hope. That I wasn't broken. That I was still Ivy James and I could still, well you know.

But as I acknowledge how selfish the whole thing was, I shut it out of my mind and carried on washing the dishes.

I know I need to tell him.

But what's the point of ruining a good day, right?

Right?

I hear Jackson come back downstairs and I smile over my shoulder at his fresh look. He had put some sweats on and a white shirt, that's what he usually sleeps in, unless he gets too hot and then he'll take one of them off.

We've been sleeping cuddled up every night but obviously in the night sometimes we sperate. And I think Jackson's too scared to pull me back to him again, considering the way I freaked out on him in my sleep once.

"Hey." Jackson says, dragging his hand along my back as he passes, walking to stand next to me to help dry the dishes.

"Nice shower?" I ask

"Yeah, I didn't realise how it was out there."

"Well, I was shivering when we got back to the car." I laugh and he snickers.

"You're always cold though."

"Yeah I guess." I suppose I do have one of his hoodies on right now.

I pass him the pan that he cooked in and he drys and puts it away, I hum along to the music and Jackson laughs slightly.

I frown at him and start singing along, rebelling against his humour. I can sing. I mean I cant follow a tune, but I can sing.

He comes and wraps his hands around me from behind, leaning his chin on my shoulder.

"You know it was that night?" Jackson says softly and I dry my hands and turn around in his arms.

"What are you talking about?" I ask and duck under his arm to carry on getting the kitchen clean.

"That night, the one when we made cookies." He explains leaning against the counter and I could feel his eyes watching me as I carry on doing what I'm doing.

"What about it?" I say, smiling at the memory.

"That was the first time I really saw you." He says and I look up to meet his eyes. His gaze is so intense that I immediately want to pull away, but I don't.

"Saw me? what do you mean."

"I don't know how to explain it. It was just the first time I really took you in I guess, I saw what all the boys saw in you, the way you swung your hips as you danced so carefree around the kitchen, the way you used your big eyes to your advantage and made me feel as if I needed to join in with you." He explains and as I blush a little he carried on.

"But it wasn't just that, those things were so obvious, I guess I just never let myself see you like that before that night. It was more like I saw another side to you, a side that you never showed to anyone else, I obviously don't know about Jay or your friends, but It was then when I first saw you properly. That was the first time I was drawn to you."

"Drawn to me?" I ask, and I was swooning at his words I'm not going to lie. Jackson could always share parts of himself with me that he wouldn't realise knocked me off my feet.

"Yeah, like I wanted nothing more than to just hug you to me. But obviously there was a lot... A lot in the way then."

"I'm glad you didn't hug me to you then, I would have pushed you away. I wasn't ready. I'm glad that when you hugged me that first time on the beach I was ready." I whisper and he lifts his arm so I could creep in under it, leaning against his body and looking upwards.

His face was tilted down when he says "And then the way you spoke to your parents and interacted with them, the way you checked up on me discretely, I knew you were letting me see the real you."

I snort and frown "The real me?"

"Just yourself without walls, you know? It was that early that I started thinking oh crap." Jackson says and I question him.

"Oh crap?"

"Oh crap I was going to fall for this girl." He states and watches my reaction closely.

We haven't really talked about our obvious feelings before, well, we have. But we would always justify them with the statement 'it's better to be 'just friends.

We have moved way past that.

I watch his face closely, paying as much attention to him than he was to me.

"Oh crap." I nod, realising that this was a half confession from him. He wanted me to know how much he cared about me and in response, instead of saying anything else I kissed him.

I conveyed everything I was feeling through that kiss and I knew he knew we were on the same page.

But the fact was, we weren't on the same page at all. Because he thought this was the start of something and I knew it was the end of everything.

Fuck my life.

FRIDAY MORNING

A couple of days later, me and Jackson have just been getting closer and closer. And last night I finally let him touch me. But when I woke up this morning, I knew that I needed to have a chat.

So I had crept out, trying not to wake Jackson and went to meet Lucy for coffee. She claimed to be a morning person and therefore didn't mind when I text her in the middle of the night to set up a coffee date yesterday.

Jackson wasn't a morning person, at all. I had learnt this the hard way. He glares very coldly when you try and wake him up before 9AM, there's still a slight glare at 10AM but at least then he'll open his arms for me to climb into. Before that, no chance.

Anyway, I crept out because I was freaked out. Last night in bed got  as equally intense as it did in the sea. This time the focus was on me though and at the time I felt so fucking great, waking up this morning however I felt very, off. Uncertain.

And I needed to talk about stuff to someone that wasn't Jackson.

Pulling up outside Lucy's, she keeps me waiting a good ten minutes. Apologising profoundly when she jumps in the passenger seat.

"I'm so sorry! I know we said ten and I was so up for that but then I woke up at 9 and thought oh I have a whole hour, I don't need to get up now. And then It was half past and I still didn't even think about the fact I had to get ready. And then you were here and I was still naked and I don't even know what happened. I know I'm sorry. It's just the person I am." She says in one big breath and I just laugh at her.

"Are you ok?" I chuckle.

"Yep." She presses a hand to her heart and sighs. "Being late is so stressful."

"It was fine, Luce. You gave me a good amount of time to stew anyway." I say as I pull out of her driveway.

"Oh god, what are we stewing about?"

"Jackson."

"Ooo. Gossip. Spill." She says almost bouncing excitedly in her seat.

"We did bits." I say and then cringe at how immature it all sounds.

"Oh gosh really? How do we feel about it?"

I love her use of we. Honestly, she was slowing becoming one of my favourite people. Oh shit I am leaving, I shouldn't really promote people in my head.

"Fine. I guess. I don't know. It's really complicated."

"Was he nice to you Ives?" She says becoming concerned at my tone.

"He was great. It's nothing to do with him not really." I sigh and turn down the street where we usually park. "I think I'm freaked out because I care about him more than I have card about someone before."

"That's fair. That scares ordinary people. Ives, it's fine to be freaked out. We literally have PTSD remember?"

"Yeah I remember." I laugh and pull into a space. We're going back to the usual coffee shop.

"So what's going on?" She asks I just tell her I'll tell her in the café. She just nods and tells me that her and Harry are in a lowkey fight so she has to be cold, but that I should be extra warm so he doesn't actually get upset.

She's hilarious.

After grabbing our drinks and moving to the table we sat on before I decide to just rip the bandage off and tell her.

"I'm moving."

"WHAT?" Lucy exclaims and draws every pair of eyes to us in the café. She whispers an apology, not at all seeming bothered and turns back towards me.

"What do you mean? You're moving." She hisses.

"Just that. My parents are home-schooling me and moving me away from this town."

"I'm coming with you."

"Lucy." I laugh and she looks at me with despair.

"How can you just leave though, I just met you." She pouts and I know how she feels, that's exactly how I feel too.

"I know, but I get why they want me to leave. Wouldn't you leave if you had the chance? Get out that school?" I ask.

Lucy attends a little further away than ours. It's actually a pretty good school, they offer a lot more than mine does. My old school anyway.

"I guess so." She mumbles and then she gasps slapping her hand across her mouth. "But what about Jackson?"

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair in frustration. "Hence the stewing."

"Oh god, you guys are literally on the verge of getting together. What has he said?" She asks and I look away guiltily.

"Ivy James tell me you've told the poor boy?" She gasps and then gasps again as I shake my head.

"Ivy!"

"I know." I cry out. "We've just been having such a good time and I don't want to make our last week together sad." I explain and she still shakes her head at me.

"But it doesn't have to be your last week together? You could just stay in contact and like visit each other?" She says and I just shrug.

"What's wrong?" She asks gently.

"Last night, in bed we did bits. If you get my gist. And it was bloody amazing at the time, but at no point during it did I think I was ever going to be ready to go all the way with anyone ever again and I just, how selfish is that? To string him along, when I don't think I can, you know."

"Ives, everyone feels like that at first." She leans in and whispers "Did you orgasm?"

"Luce!" I exclaim through a whisper and she rolls her eyes at me.

"Oh, come on, we're close, aren't we? Plus, there's a reason why I asked."

I avert my eyes and give her a quick nod.

"I bet you never thought at the beginning of all of this that you would feel that again. I know I didn't. Ives, we are recovering and Jackson knows that. He's gone this long with you being around and he hasn't exploded yet, I'm sure he could deal."

I just shake my head at her and take a sip of my coffee. I felt as if everything was slipping back from my grasps, that things were starting to twirl around again and I didn't want to feel like this anymore.

When I left, that was it for Jackson and I, he deserved someone so much better, so much more stable than I. And when I was gone, he would be able to find that.

He wouldn't even look if he thought there was a chance for us. So, I knew he had to know that me coming back or us staying in touch just wasn't an option.

For his own good.

"Haven't you got a session after this?" Luce asks and I just shrug.

"I don't really feel like going." I explain and think about how the last thing I want to do whilst feeling like this is to explain it all to DR Halpin.

"I think you should." She says and squeezes my hand from across the table. "When I'm spiralling I always push the idea of counselling away, but it's then that you benefit from the sessions the most babe. I need to know you're ok before you just up and leave."

"We can be pen pals?" I say and she bursts into laughter.

"Oh, that would actually be great! You have to keep me updated with everything."

"And you too." I say and we carry on talking about general stuff about moving and she asks me if I need help packing. I explain to her that my parents are doing a lot of it this week but when I'm home in a few days I will definitely take her up on that offer.

FRIDAY MIDAY

After coffee I leave on my own to make Dr Halpin's appointment. Lucy decided that she was going to try and make up with Harry and I decided to just let her get on with it.

Suddenly my phone rings, and as Jackson had connected it all up to the car I just had to press a single button and I could talk on speaker to whoever was calling.

"Hey, where are you?" Jackson's sleepy voice fills the car and I immediately feel bad, the guilt getting to me about how I am keeping all this to myself. I would tell him today. I had to.

"On my way to therapy, what's up?" My voice sounds detached to my own ears and I cringe, not wanting to concern him.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I left at like half nine." I chuckle. "I was meeting Lucy and now I have Dr Halpin."

"Oh ok, well what time will you be back?"

I counselling was at one and I had stayed with Lucy until half twelve ish.

"Three probably. Is everything ok?" I ask and Jackson hums a yeah.

"All good, I was just checking in because I was worried. About how you are feeling in regards to last night."

I smile softly at the memory, neither of us expected for it to go as far as it had last night but I guess because of the beach thing I was still feeling so good and I was happy to let Jackson make me feel even more.

I didn't have a problem with that.

I was upset because I knew I was leaving, and I knew It was going to break my heart.

Because it belonged to him at this rate, and what happens when you cut all contact with the person that owns your heart?

I'm pretty sure it shatters.

"Ives?" He says, and I can imagine him sitting up concerned with my silence.

I sigh a soft laugh. "I'm sorry I was just thinking. I feel ok Jackson, I don't regret what happened at all. I'm sorry me leaving freaked you out."

"Ok, we'll talk more at home. What do you want for dinner?" He asks me as I pull into a parking space at the office.

"Whatever you want. Surprise me? I gotta go Jackson I just got here."

"One surprise meal coming up then, I hope the session is ok Ives."

"Thank you. I'll see you in an hour or so."

"...See you." He says and hangs up.

There were a few words missing from our goodbyes and those words were stressing me the fuck out.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

I've been sitting in my car down the road to Jackson's house for about half an hour now. And it was only because just couldn't stop getting tearful

The session with Dr Halpin was awful.

He got me to express to him my fears about everything going on although it did help me identify what I was feeling and grasp onto them. All the shit that was swirling around in my head to the extent I could read it before, well now I knew exactly what I was upset about.

And that's how I felt, just upset.

And I didn't want to go back to Jackson's upset.

When I finally decided that I was ok, I drove the rest of the street and parked outside. Walking round the back, knowing Jackson would most likely be in the back garden, or in the kitchen with the back doors wide open.

Jackson is stood in front of the stove, his back to me as he stirs around something he's cooking. It smells great but I'm partially worrying about how I'm going to eat when I feel this stressed.

He hasn't noticed me yet and I walk closer to him, as if he full on had a gravitational pull.

"Hey." I whisper and lean against his back, hugging my arms around his middle, the way he does.

"Hi babe. How was Dr Halpin?" He says continuing to stir his cooking and I don't know if it was the way he called me babe or the fact he asked about the session, but basically all the emotions from the session came tumbling out and I cried softly into the back of his shirt.

Jackson freezes and he quickly presses the heat off and turns around so he can wrap his arms around me.

"Rough session?" He whispers into my hair and I let out a pathetic laugh.

"Something like that." I say and wipe my tearful eyes, at least I'm not scared to cry in front of Jackson anymore.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks and I just shake my head no, what he was doing was already enough.

"Then what can I do to help Ives?" His hand strokes my hair and I start to cry again because of the way his fingers still leave a searing energy on my skin.

"Just what you're doing." I whisper and he pulls me to him tighter. And I know he thinks I'm crying over Layton and I mean, he's definitely part of the reason, but I was upset because of the fact that this was ending.

We stay together for a little while until Jackson pulls me to the sofa and I curl into it, resting my eyes when he lays a blanket over me. I was drained. And Jackson just let me sleep until he finished dinner.

He wakes me up maybe an hour and a half later? It's 5PM and I know Jackson's got dinner ready for us.

"I know you're never hungry when you're having a bad day, but food is ready if you wanna try some." He says and offers me a hand up from the sofa. I grab the blanket and bring it with me.

He's set up dinner outside for us, the evening sun hitting directly on the table, meaning it's so warm that I feel so cosy. I woke up feeling better but it was still deeply sad that I was going, and DR Halpin said I needed to tell everyone as soon as I could. But I just didn't know how.

He places a warm hand on my head when he gives me a plate of food and sits down next to me.

"How are you feeling?" Jackson says and passes me a fork.

"Better." I say and give him a small smile. I love him.

"I have an AA meeting tonight, it's just the weekly one I usually attend. I don't want to leave you but I can't not go as then my sponsor will get worried. Will you be alright here? On your own?" Jackson asks and I swallow my small bite of food.

"I'll be fine. You don't have to worry Jackson. I was just drained from therapy." I explain and he pokes my knee under the table, a reminiscence of the only affectionate gesture between us.

"If you say so." He half smiles at me and we begin to talk about the fact his mum is coming back Sunday.  It's Friday night now and neither of us are looking forward to me going home.

I knew it was so much more than that and then was the perfect opportunity to tell him. But I just couldn't.

I am a coward.

"Ives, you could always come with me to the meeting? It's not intense, I don't even talk. We just listen to everyone's stories."

I cock my head towards him and decide yeah, that would be good. To go together. I wasn't to know as much about Jackson as I possibly could and well, at least this way I'm spending more