I see that Nora had already messaged to see where I am, I need to get the shaking under control. Like I'm not visibly shaking it's just I can't steady my hands, and my legs doing this strange thing that if I don't have them directly on the ground they start like jumping up and down? Clearly, I am not used to feeling like this.

After leaving Jackson I make my way back towards the area we meet for lunch. Knowing I was going to go home and sleep after this,  a soft smile crawls on my face. I was waiting at my locker to meet the girls, they were taking a lot longer than normal and although usually I would be annoyed because of my impatience. I was annoyed more because I felt vulnerable being by myself, it was a weird concept now, to feel vulnerable. That was definitely not a word I would have associated with myself before.

"Hi!" Jess and Faye exclaim simultaneously. 

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting." Nora grins sheepishly at me "Don't be mad, I was just handing in a late assignment."

"It's fine." I smile a little, it's not, but it's unreasonable to be mad. But as I dismiss it, I watch as they all exchange looks of surprise. I hate that I used to be such a bitch to them, I feel as if I can't even remember how I'm supposed to be acting anymore. But I need to remember because this weird change in personality is going to get people asking questions.

"What assignment?" I ask redirecting their thoughts.

"Oh, the art one? You missed the submission last week, did you do it?"

"Nope." I cringe thinking about the fact I've got a lot of work I need to be doing, but instead once I get home I know all I'm going to want to do is sleep off the earlier panic attack.

I'm fucking exhausted. 

And my head hurts. 

It's because when you have an attack, your brain doesn't get enough oxygen and therefore hurts. I think. I don't know, sometimes I just make up explanations for things in my head and then can't remember if it's an actual fact or an Ivy fact. 

"Oh? What have they said about it, anything?"

"I haven't really been paying attention I guess, but I think it is covered, don't worry." I say this, then place a small smug smile on my face. Because although they think it covered as I have so much power at this school its actually because Mrs Granger said earlier that I shouldn't worry about assignments- That she will get me extensions.

"Where are we sitting at lunch today?" Jess asks, referring the the fact that we obviously no longer sit with the boys and because we were getting to lunch so late that our table from yesterday is probably taken.

"It's fine, we will just remove the people who have taken our table." Nora reassures and the girls look at me and laugh. I guess because I would normally be able to click my fingers and people would just move on cue. 

"Actually, I was thinking about sitting outside, I want some sun and the cafeteria is full of weirdos anyway"

"But you hate sitting outside?"

"I've decided I like it." I snap back at Faye. And start heading towards the exit. I was going to leave after lunch anyway I was literally just sticking around so the girls didn't ask questions as to why I got to leave early.

The girls follow, mumbling in agreement about how the cafeteria is now apparently so lame.

Sitting crossed-legged on the picnic table bench I actually appreciate all the space, sitting outside gives. We won't see the boys until after they have eaten and start to do their rounds of the school.

Deciding that I will eat my lunch once I'm home, I don't start eating unlike the other girls. They're chatting aimlessly about the fact that Jay and the boys are starting to hang out with that girl and her friend. I'm trying not to listen, I'm crossed between really not caring and being curious as to why on earth the boys are talking to her. I don't even know her name.

"Whats her name again?" I abruptly asked, interrupting them.

"Grace or something?" Nora answers.

I snort, "Of course it would be something like that. I'm surprised it's not Ethel."

"Hey!" Jess argues. "My sister's name is Ethel."

"Oops" I scoff, smiling along with the girls, actually feeling a lot better than I have done in what feels like a while. Then the slow realisation that I feel better because I'm belittling someone falls over me and I go back to being quiet. Remembering Graces' earlier words 'disgusting' I fall silent.

"Why aren't you eating?" Nora whispers to me, close enough as we're sat on the same side of the table.

I look at her concerned face and my eyes widen as I realise that she's looking at my exposed skinny body. Wrapping my cardigan tighter around myself. "Only because I'm not very hungry, and mum is ordering Chinese for dinner so I'm saving myself." I try and smile reassuringly at her.

I have lost a bit of weight but it's only due to stress. I don't feel like eating after having such a strong bought of anxiety. But I will definitely eat when I get home. 

"Oh ok, good"

"A Chinese?" Faye says, becoming present in our conversation.

"Yeah?"

"I thought you said they were unhealthy and we shouldn't really be eating shit like that."

"They are unhealthy but also we only live once girls so eat whatever you want." I shrug.

Each of the girls look down at their own version of a salad and I cringe at how much control I must have had over each of them. Grace and Jay were right, I am disgusting.

"So I can eat takeout?" Jess questions.

"Jess you can eat whatever you want"

"Oh this is great! My sisters been trying to get me to try Indian for so long but I've been telling her no. I can finally exchange a yes to takeout for my sister's new dress she's been bribing me with for weeks."

"You mean Ethel?" Nora sniggers and Jess glowers at her, feebly throwing a piece of lettuce in Nora's vague direction.

"So are you still coming to mine tomorrow?" Nora asks Jess and Faye.

I raise my eyebrows a little, wondering why they have plans.

"Yeah, as normal?"

"Yeah cool, my mum said we can go to the store and pick out whatever movie we want as well. I know we have Netflix but everything on there has been shitty lately."

Normal? They do this every Wednesday? I wonder why I'm never invited and then kinda realise how although I don't really consider us to be the best of friends. Perhaps they all are. I mean just because I'm not that close with them, doesn't mean they're not close privately. I wonder if they all bitch about me at their little movie nights.

"Can I come?" I hear the words slip out between my lips before I get the chance to actually register them.

The girls look startled as if they had never even considered that I might want to come. Which I guess I wouldn't have before all of this. 

"Yeah, of course. I just didn't think you wanted to. You usually spend Wednesday with Jay-"Nora starts but stops as she suddenly realises that obviously, I won't be spending Wednesdays with Jayden any longer.

"I think it might be fun." I shrugged trying to act natural. I know this is really strange, and I'm trying to normalise the fact that I want to just chill with the girls. I don't really want to leave my house anymore and for the first time I've felt a little bit more myself this lunch and so I thought I'd try and do what makes me feel better. Which at the moment is being with the girls.

"What do you guys do?"

"You might think it's lame." Jess says awkwardly and looks at Faye.

They think I am going to judge them.

"I won't I promise."

"We literally just watch movies and chill-" She says. 

"Chat about what's going on in each other's lives." Nora adds.

"That sounds good." I say. "Anyway, I have Dance so I'm going to go and get changed before anybody else gets in there." Meaning I'm going home but it's easier for them to just assume that I have gone to class early because I don't want to witness a bunch of teenage girls get changed.

"Okay, I'll tell you the details tomorrow." Nora smiles at me and for once there's some actual kindness beneath it. Sometimes I can tell it's a bit fake.

Leaving them, I swing my bag on my shoulder and make my way towards the office. They may notice that I'm going in the opposite direction of the dance hall but I doubt they'll think much of it.

I slowly walk towards Miss Granger's office, there is still a bit of lunchtime left and I'm not sure if she takes lunch or if she is available during the time. She might have other kids in there and that thought makes me cringe. There's such a stigma about going to see the school councillor. I'd hate to be known as one of those kids. Which is even worse because by hating that I'm literally adding to the stigma. This whole thing has raised a lot of questions within me.

Peeking nervously through her glass window I notice that she's alone and I tentatively knocked which is pathetic, but I'm really want to go home and need her to sign a slip or something.

"Hi Ivy, come in." She waves for me to take a seat and smiles at me "How are you doing?"

Not sitting on the chair opposite her desk I place my bag on the floor and slowly look around her room.

"I'm fine, but I need to go home and was wondering if I could do that?"

"Why do you want to go home?" She asks blatantly, not in a disapproving tone of voice, that I thought staff are supposed to act like when I kid is trying to leave.

"I have had enough of today." A painful laugh leaves me involuntarily. "I have dance and I don't want to show my body, there's still some bruising on my sides, arms." I avoid eye contact as I wander awkwardly around her room. 

"Okay, that's fine, although instead of not getting your afternoon mark I was wondering if we would be able to continue our session from this morning? And then you can leave, I will write you a slip now and you can go whenever you want."

I look cautiously at the filling corridor, you can't see in here from the outside unless you go right up to the door but I'm still highly aware that if someone caught me in here there would be so many rumours going around school.

"I can cover the window, I have an occupied/ meeting sign and everything" She grins at me as I smile and nod at her, it's as if she's so excited that she was able to actually do something that comforts me.

"Ok then"

"Shall we go to the table, or do you want to continue to stand."

"I'll stand."

"Ok, a few of my other students do that, it's always interesting to me because I'm so lazy I'll always take the opportunity to sit"

I nod at her, not knowing what to say. I just like the fact I can wander around her office. It gives me something else to focus on in-between her questions. Her walls are grey which is a bit strange as it doesn't match her personality. Then again, I doubt she had any control over what colour the walls were painted.

"Earlier you said you feel more than you did before, can you elaborate on that for me?"

I turn away from her with a shrug, not really knowing how to answer that.

"Before it was like I had this perfect life but it always felt a little wrong. I was so disconnected from everything and nothing made me feel a thing. Like I was just sort of blank but I didn't realise I was blank yanoe? But then with this, I'm suddenly feeling all these awful things which are awful but also it's making me realise that I wasn't feeling anything before. It's really hard to explain."

"No I get that, it is overwhelming this realisation?"

"Overwhelming?"

"Because not only are you dealing with the trauma, but these new feelings must be a lot to deal with."

"It just kinda makes me question what's wrong with me. Like I feel so broken now but also it makes me wonder was I always broken then? It's making me question everything."

"What else are you questioning?"

"Just like the way I've acted and the way I treat people. I don't want to be that girl anymore but I also can't just not be. If I stop being a bitch then people will start asking questions and they can't start asking questions because I don't want to be seen as that girl and I literally can't let anyone know because of the trial."

"You can change and it not be because of him, you can change because you want to."

"Can I though?" I start braiding the ends of my hair out of pure awkwardness. I don't know what's made me be so open with her this afternoon, probably the earlier anxiety attack made me vulnerable. That's surely some sort of exploitation.

She doesn't reply to my question and I turn to see her looking at me, then she starts to write a few notes down.

"Have you had any thoughts about harming yourself?" She asks and my face must have shown her that I was a bit shocked at the bluntness of the question.

"I'm sorry, these forms don't come covered in tact, unfortunately"

"Why would I even answer, didn't you say that was something that you would have to pass on? Who do you even pass it on to?"

"Having thoughts about hurting yourself, isn't the same as intentions. I'm quite good at judging that. And I would have to pass it onto a crisis team."

"Oh."

"The question?" she prompts and gives me a kind nod.

"Not really"

"Can you explain why it's a not really instead of a no Ivy?"

"Because I would never do that, it would make me look weak and I think it's a terrible thing to do to the people who surround you. But in the first couple of days, when I could still feel everything as vividly as I did that night I really wanted it to end."

"Thank you for sharing that with me, I need you to tell me if you ever feel that way again. It doesn't make you week its literally just a side effect of your trauma."

"I feel like it every night, every time I have a nightmare. I just want this to go away. But it just doesn't."

"Your trauma-"

I look up, my eyes meeting hers, mine with distaste as I interrupt her harshly. 

"You say my trauma as if it is something I own as if I made it happen."

"That's not what I mean at all, I mean it in the sense that nobody will understand what you went through and what you're currently going through as well as you do. And yes partially that this trauma is your own, it is unique to you. Do you understand me?"

"Sort of."

"You said that I was insinuating that it was your fault? Do you feel a responsibility?"

"Is that a question?" I nod towards the page. Thinking that it almost seems a little insensitive, these screening things.

"Sort of 'what does the victim feel lead to their attack' its so I can work with you to break any irrational thought processes about what happened."

For a counsellor, I thought she'd be less open with how she was going to 'fix' me. They always seem so mysterious in films and on tv.

"I don't feel responsible, I know it happened because Layton is evil but I do feel a sense of Karma surrounding it."

"Karma?" She ignores that this is the first time I've called Layton by his name in here and I guess focuses on the question at hand.

"Yeah, well some girl said today that I deserve the worst thing that could happen to a person- which in my opinion is definitely what happened to me. So like I know I didn't cause it but maybe I deserved it."

Mrs Granger looked concerned. "Why would she say that?"

I cringe because I don't want anyone else to hate me "Because I'm not very nice"

"What do you mean?"

'"Well, you must know? You're the guidance counsellor."

She raises an eyebrow at me as if willing me to go on

"I get what I want and I don't really care what that means for other people- or at least I didn't before. I used to act horrifically."

"Ivy, whatever guilt you're feeling about the way you used to act is and I promise you unrelated to what Layton did to you. It was not Karma, you did not deserve it. Nobody deserves that, I promise you."

"Ok" I breathe out, not really feeling reassured but having someone say and acknowledge how I'm feeling was something unusual for me.

"That's basically the form."  She says and I sigh in relief and she gives me a sympathetic look. I walk around from where I was pacing and take a seat opposite her.

"How was today?" She enquiries.

I cringe at the memory of everything. "I really need to sleep."

She laughs at my reply. 'Have you been sleeping more than usual?"

I nod, pulling my hair up out of my face. "A lot more, everything has become ten times more draining."

"Does it help? To sleep?"

"Yeah a bit, sometimes I have dreams and so it's more stressful than being awake but I can't really stay awake anyway."

"That's understandable, how was your anxiety today?"

"Pretty bad, I had a panic attack in an abandoned classroom." Which wasn't abandoned but she doesn't really need to know that.

"Ivy" she exclaims, "I told you to come to me if you needed me."

"I did, after lunch" I smile slightly guiltily at her. To be fair I didn't actually need the support. I coped fine on my own. Although it would have been nice not to have Jackson witness the mess that I am.

She shakes her head at me, almost playfully- which I am grateful for, can you imagine being scorned because you didn't have a panic attack in the right place?

"How often are the panic attacks?"

"Pretty often to be fair, although being at school is a lot harder so I hope they don't become a daily event."

"They might do but we will definitely figure it out if it comes to that." She tries to reassure me.

I shrug my shoulders not really bothered. "Can I go now?" I ask as the bell rings indicating Dance would be over.

"Yes, of course, thank you for being so cooperative with me today Ivy." She smiles and writes me an office slip. "Just show this to the guy on the door and he'll open the gate."

"Ok, thank you."

As I grab my stuff to leave, I realise I'm actually feeling a lot more positive than when I was leaving yesterday. But then there's a knock on the door and I quickly whip around to look at Mrs Granger, who nods at my panicked look and tells me to sit back down, she'll tell them to come back in five.

"-Hiya honey," she says in a loving familiarity. Which confuses me. She has stepped outside the office to tell them to go away but I can hear every word they say.

"Hey." The voice is low, unimpressed. "I left my history notebook in here at lunch and need it for next period."

"Okay, you can grab it in five, I have a student in here with me right now that's a tad vulnerable so I can't let you come in at the moment."

"Mum, can't you just, grab it? I don't give a damn about whoever is in your room?"

The voice is nauseatingly familiar, but I can't really place it. 

"Jackson no, literally just walk around the block and come back it'll be 2 minutes."

My body freezes as I realise who is outside and then the dots begin to connect. The familiar 'honey' the word 'mum' 'Jackson' Its fucking awful. I can't believe I have just opened up to someone who so clearly knows exactly who I'm talking about, knew the whole time that it was one of her son's friends that had attacked me.

Jackson mutters a quick "sorry" and I watch as his mother, my counsellor renters the room.

I feel weird. "You're his mum"

"Yes." She says slowly, almost cautiously.

"You know all of them"

"No I don't, Jackson doesn't really talk about