I was definitely right. Today was a bad one. Maths and English were so long and all I could feel were Max's glares as if they actually had heat in them. Max was the kind one of the group, I guess me messing with their group dynamics really heated his fire. Whoops, I guess. Jackson was also in my class but I'm pretty sure he didn't look at me once, but he doesn't really give a fuck about anything. He just exists with the group. 

Nora was beside me just wittering on about some random girl in our year that apparently went with them to Max's after the police were called to Jayden's. According to Nora, all the boys found her really funny and now she and her friend have been sitting with the boys.

I haven't noticed them sitting with the boys because I kinda refuse to make eye contact with that table.

I try not to think about it but somehow my teenage girl mind, even with all the shit that's been going on, I somehow end up feeling jealous. That Jay might be able to move on from me when it's going to look like I can't. He's able to look at other girls and not feel fear. That girl, that Nora's on about. It makes me feel queasy. 

I can't help but feel that this girl is probably way prettier than me, probably has much better control of her hair than I do, probably hasn't ever slept with anyone. Whereas me I'm the complete opposite to her, and it angers me because she's probably totally untouched and is probably a nice bloody person and I'm just here used and literally nasty.

"Ivy, are you even listening to me?" Nora asks me, there's slight irritation in her voice and this surprises me. I almost like how since I've gotten quieter she's been more vocal to me.

I've been listening to every word she says, about this new girl and about how she has annoying nice light brown hair. But because I want her to think I don't care I reply-"No sorry."-and unlike normally where she laughs, shrugs it off and continues rattling on. She doesn't even reply. She just sighs and looks back at the board, carrying on with whatever equation we're meant to be doing. And I remain quiet, trying to follow along with the work. It's pretty impossible.

...

After math class, we start to walk towards where we eat lunch and thankfully Nora has started to talk to me again. I much prefer my head to be filled with her rambling thoughts rather than my own.

People move for us as we navigate our way through the lunch crowds. The corridor is wide but not when all four boys are walking in a row a few meters in front of us.

I hear someone whisper to their friends as we pass by them. "Why doesn't Ivy James look like Ivy James anymore? She looks like she's turned into a nun." They all laugh in response and I can help but look down at my outfit. It's a summer dress with a cardigan and although no skin is shown above the lower thigh, I thought this was something I would wear beforehand. I guess I'm going to have to dress sluttier tomorrow.

Emerging out of my thoughts I see that the boys have stopped by Jayden's locker, the little brunette is waiting for him there and I take in a sharp breath. She's annoyingly pretty. In an innocent wide-eyed way.

Jayden catches my eye and I swear he almost snarled at me. I quickly move my eyes from his and look at the others.

Then the hairs on my skin stand to attention.

It was like I was punched. 

No, no, no, no why is he here? He's not supposed to be here. I stop dead in my tracks and grip Nora's arm. My breath has already been swallowed by my stomach and I can feel is swimming, hiding in there.

Why is Layton here? His back is to me and I feel such a rush of emotion it's physically and emotionally exhausting trying to keep it underneath the surface.

Compose yourself. 

I can barely feel Nora shaking my arm that's gripped hers but suddenly the piercing white noise that had filled my ears ends and the loud school hallway comes flooding back and I realise it's not Layton. It's his twin. Luca turns around and gives me this weird-ass look as if to say 'why the hell are you staring at me so intensely?'. 

And I can breathe again.

Sort of. Fuck. 

My hands are shaking but I take them off Nora's and give her an apologetic smile. "Sorry" I whisper to her so Jayden doesn't hear but realising now that he's been staring at me, I glare back at him.

"What?" I spit at him.

He looks almost concerned and I guess that my face must have been pretty readable for him. The fear that was so fucking overwhelming sits comfortably back down on my shoulders as I realise I'm not going to be able to hide what happened to me very well.

"Ivy why do you look so scared?" Jay asks me stepping forward away from the brunette that still doesn't have a name.

I wipe the fear off my face and I ignore him, trying to find a way around this shitty situation. I meet eyes with the pretty brunette and smirk.

"Honey, don't get involved with these boys, they're not very good people," I tell her patronisingly but also mostly truthfully.

She looked so untouched. 

What if it happened to her too. 

She'd be destroyed. 

I am destroyed. 

Expecting her to cower away I go to walk in the opposite direction but her almost fierce voice retaliates. "I've heard that you're not a very good person either." I turn back to face them all. 

I watch as the boys snigger and grin at her. 

Love that for me.

I look at Jayden. "Aw baby, have you been talking about me?" I cock my head smirking, I look back at her. "Don't get your hopes up, my Jay doesn't like innocent girls, isn't that what you told me? You think they're boring."

I think this actually gets to the girl as she frowns and looks back up at Jayden, there's definitely something going on between them. I used to love confrontation but I literally just thought I saw my attacker and now my boyfriend- ex-boyfriend is here with his new fling and I swear I'm going to explode.

It's just a lot. 

We've gathered a crowd now and there's a few comments of support coming from the guys surrounding me. The sort of guys that I could click my fingers and they would do anything I want them to. I used to love that, we all found it hilarious. Now it's just morally uncomfortable.

Jayden's eyes move from the brunette and back to me, they're so cold. No longer concerned in the slightest. Don't look down, meet his gaze. He knows you too well. 

"Just because I said I didn't like boring girls, it didn't mean I liked sluts."

I fucking looked down. 

"Besides after what you did to me, I'm pretty sure I'm all for change." His voice is cool and collected just like before we got together. His confidence is coming out and I remember what attracted me to him in the first place.

"Jayden, don't act the beaten-down ex, you're not totally innocent and believe me you're just as much to blame for what happened."

I basically just told him he deserved it- that's what he's gonna hear at least. What I meant was that even though I know it's irrational, a part of me places some blame him. If he had just stuck by my side I wouldn't have been left with Layton in the first place. I know it's not fair and it's probably really bloody petty but that's how I feel.

"Nobody deserves being cheated on." Max chimes in.

"Max, I literally witnessed your tongue down three different girl's throat a few weeks ago, don't pretend to be morally sound." I roll my eyes at the stance the boys have taken. It's hilarious how they're acting so morally perfect when they so close with a kid who had the capability of destroying someone's life.

"I wasn't committed to any of them, unlike you. Don't pretend you're not a slut."

Nora squeezed my hand as if she was in tune with my rising disgust at them. Which in itself is stressful. The touch, the fact she knew I was getting upset. 

"Ok Max, always with the double standards. Who even is the new girl then?"

Jay snorts "She's not new, you just have such a superiority complex that you don't notice people who don't fawn over you"

"Jay, babe, did you even know her before that Friday then? Don't pretend to be a saint."

The new girl- that apparently isn't new, steps out from behind Jayden.

"Don't call him babe, you lost that right."

I scoff, stepping closer to her. "And have you gained it then?" I wiggle my eyebrows at her suggestively which she scowls in response. 

I honestly could fight her, sounds weird I know, but I've never felt like this before. I would literally fight her and it would feel good. I might even be suspended from school. That would be helpful. 

As I smirk at her the girl grows embarrassed. 

"We're just friends" She defends. 

I laugh at her and turn towards Jay. "How cute, you made a friend."

"Ivy..." His voice is cold, but I know that he used to love this teasing voice when I used it on him.

I crack him a grin, blinking innocently in the way I knew he liked. "What Jay? You expect me to just ignore the fact you're getting with some wanna be right after we broke up?"

A cold shock shot so quickly down to my stomach that it instantly reminded me that I have no right to be angry. Not in the whole incorrect scenario I am letting play out. To them I am the bad guy, to them, I cheated, to them I am some bitch that hurt Jayden. 

Are they wrong?

So-what if he moved on so quickly with this new girl, a good girl? I slept with his best friend. I cringe at my mistake but before I can correct it, the twin chimes in.

Luca laughs condescendingly, the brother of my attacker, at least his voice didn't sound the same. That would have been even worse. "Layton wouldn't have even touched you, he's not like that- you must have-"

I blink at him, my face fully falling and Jay's forehead wrinkles as he watches me and I can tell that he's confused but I doubt he'll think much of it. He probably just thinks it's my spoiled personality- to want them both.

I swallow. 

"You-" I start and Luca again shakes his head at me. 

"You bitch, you have no idea what you've done."

Does he know?

He's looking at Grace, Jayden. He's wrapped up in that drama. He doesn't know. I look at her instead. 

"Honestly, what are you thinking trying to get in with this group?" I ask. "You don't belong here." She probably thought I meant she wasn't good enough for the boys. I meant more that they weren't a good group to be around. Fights, drama, stupid shit.

Jay remains pretty silent, his silence reminding me of how little I mean to him now. How little he thinks of me. How little they all think of me. My anxiety rises as I look at their cold faces, people who should have acted as a support system are so disgusted by me and my actions. It's hard to remember that I'm actually not in the wrong. It's all so so messed up.

"I may be new to this group, but I actually care about them. Unlike you. I may not look anything like you lot." She nods toward me and Nora. "But I am ten times the person you are and I am ten times the person you will ever be."

Surprised at her low self-esteem, I can help but laugh a little. More out of astonishment that she really thinks she's less pretty than us. She's so annoyingly, frustratingly pretty in a natural but obvious way. No wonder the boys are happily spending time with her.

But she'd right, she probably is a better person than us. Congratu-fucking-lations. 

I shake my head. My eyes on hers. I hope she hears me. "You're right, you're nothing like us. But don't get too comfortable Hon, these boys use girls like you. You'll be nothing other than a quick shag, and then they'll forget about you."

"Right" The new girl erupts. The boys exchange an excited look as if they're just waiting for this girl to put me in my place.

"Who do you think you are? Honestly, you are the worst person I have ever met, you think you run this school because everyone loves you? They're just scared of you. And if you love that then honestly, you're sick. You're disgusting" She all but spits out at me, I look at the boys and can tell they are a tad surprised, but mostly amused at this firecracker.  "You honestly deserve the worst thing that could happen to a person. Karma will get you and make you pay for what you do to everyone and for what you do to your friends and for what you did to Jay." She storms off after barging past me and the boys start laughing and slapping each other in that laddish way.

They don't realise how close she was to saying what happened was my fault because I was a horrible person. And she highlighted just how disgusting I am, which I don't blame her. But imagine if she knew the truth, she'd see just how truly disgusting I am. Because yeah, Karma did get me I guess.

Was it my fault?

Did he do this because I was so horrible?

I was never horrible to him- maybe he thought he was special?

Maybe it is my fault?

These thoughts come attacking my brain and I try to push them away. I know it wasn't my fault but how can I possibly stop myself from feeling like this was some sort of karma?

Tears were rising up into my eyes and I was determined that if I was going a cry, then nobody would see it. Storming away from the crowd I kept my head up, shoulders were thrown back and a smirk placed strategically on my face. I couldn't do this here. The painful pressure felt as if it was rising from the pit of my stomach and flooding into my chest and then my throat. I knew that this was the start of a panic attack, I had experienced these a few times since the party and I searched for a place where I could get some time away from everyone's prying eyes. 

I finally found the place I was looking for, it's an empty classroom at the back of the school. No lessons were taught here but they kept it as an overflow for the study room. I used the keys that I had stolen from a janitor a couple of years ago and let myself in. Slamming the door behind me I collapsed cross-legged on the floor. Face on my knees I tried to practice the breathing Lotta told me about.

In out. In out. In out. I counted back from 156 to distract myself. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why do my own fucking lungs try to kill me? It always feels like you're suffocating, and soon enough I let into it. I am sobbing. Hyperventilating. Sometimes the big ones you just have to let happen, to feel through them. To just fucking let it out. So I do that. I cry because my fucking boyfriend thinks I slept with his best friend who in fact fucking attacked me and I cry because he hates me, so do his friends and probably my friends secretly. I cry because that girl- whoever she is, isn't totally wrong about me being a horrible person and I cry because I thought I just saw Layton but it was his brother. I cry because I will have to see Layton every day at school because Luca exists. Fuck Luca man. Fuck.

 Slowly and surely my breathing calmed down and I wiped some stray tears that had fallen down my face. Chuckling to myself-I couldn't believe I thought Luca was Layton. I knew the difference.

Being terrified must have made me extra bitchy because I didn't mean the things I said to Jayden. Obviously, he didn't deserve to be cheated on, I'm such a bitch for saying that.

Finally, able to grasp my surroundings, I looked up and my blood ran cold as I realised I hadn't been able to get away from everyone because as I looked up to get my bearings I met with Jackson's almost amused but mostly unimpressed looking eyes. 

Someone had literally just watched me fall apart.

Jackson was the other member of the boy's group, I hadn't really noticed he wasn't there in the corridor. He really wasn't that significant in the time I spent with them all. He was usually quiet and brooding, usually just talking quietly to Max. But I've seen him be nasty, seen him get into fights with other kids at this school. Jayden always described him as the 'problem child' of the group. I have always thought that Jackson gave off messy vibes. But we all know my judge of character isn't always the best.

"Well hello, Ivy James." He was amused. He had literally just seen me calm myself down from a panic attack and he was sat there staring at me in amusement as he puffed on the end of a pathetically rolled cigarette. These boys are sociopaths I swear.

"Leave." I curtly nodded towards the door.

He chuckled lowly and I felt my body reacting before my mind could register that I was slowly becoming afraid of the golden group of guys. "I was in here first, you... disturbed me. I'm not leaving". His voice was one tone, uncaring. 

"Leave this fucking room, Jackson." I inwardly scolded myself for the fact that his name came out a little strained. He'd already seen weakness in me, why am I letting him see more?

"... you have no power here. You don't have any effect on me, unlike the rest of our year, you could disappear today, and I would not notice." His voice comes out nonchalant but there is clear distaste in the way he is looking at me.

His face, although basically perfect, looks odd angry. He doesn't usually show emotion but right now, he looks angry, disgusted by me. His dark eyes are almost wide with intensity and I realise I've never really spoken to Jackson before. Maybe as he had seen my messy state as I have unintentionally demonstrated that I wasn't a stone-cold bitch that everyone believed me to be, he was accidentally doing the same thing.

"Jackson... I never say this, and you will never hear me say this ever again but... Please leave."

I just really want him to leave. He starts moving and I gather he's leaving. I look down, opening my bag, I see my medication I'm supposed to take if I feel anxious, I've been boycotting them obviously. Moving them aside I reach for my pocket mirror-because every queen bitch must carry a mirror to make sure she looks perfect every moment of the day.

I swipe under my eyes and gather any mascara that has leaked there. I never used to cry so I never needed the waterproof kind, it seems like maybe I should purchase some. Reapplying some concealer and then mascara to make myself look put together again, I notice that I hadn't heard the door shut.

Looking up I observed that Jackson has moved, he's moved so he's sat on the table directly opposite to where I sit on the floor. It seems that he has no intention of leaving so I start gathering my things to get ready to leave.

" I don't get it... why are you all emotional? I'm pretty sure you don't have empathy or remorse?"  He asks. 

So he definitely knows about Jay and I drama. 

"Jackson leave it." 

"It's just interesting, you-"

He is way too curious for this to be safe for me, for the case. It was frustrating, and I felt myself getting agitated by his intense stare and patronising tone.

An almost smirk falls onto his face and he leans back and folds his arms.

"Do you regret it? Sleeping with your boyfriend's best friend. Is that it? The fact you broke up friendships?"

He's referencing the fact that Jayden now fiercely hates Layton as he believes that we were sleeping together behind his back. Plus, Luca, Layton's twin brother keeps sticking up for his brother and therefore Jay and Luca are a little at odds. I guess you could say I really fucked up their group dynamics.

I ignore him, hurrying to put everything I pulled out of my bag back in.

"Jackson, let's not stick your nose in shit that's not yours."

He scoffs. "Can't help