We're silent for a few seconds as I continue to eat the delicious cake. Honestly, I want to come here every day.

I have a mouthful when I feel Jackson tense. His eyes trained on something behind me. Slowly I turn around and watch as Max and Luca walk into the shop, and the girls I saw earlier quickly waved them over.

Max and Luca sat opposite Grace and her friend and started to laugh about something. But then I see that cow's head nod over in the direction of Jackson and me. 

God this is going to be fun.

The boys follow the direction she pointed at and they both stares confused in our direction.

"Oh god." I breath

"It's fine. They won't say anything." He mutters back at me.

"Jackson they're literally coming over."

I watch as the two boys make their way over towards us. My legs underneath the table are bouncing frantically but I am trying to compose my face. My carefree, cake-loving mood was having to morph back into bitchy mean girl mode.

"Richardson" Max says as he slaps Jackson's hand in hello.

"Hey man." Luca says greeting Jackson as well.

"Hi." Jackson says back, his voice laced with hesitance. I wonder if they can notice that too.

"What are you doing here?" Max says and looks at me. My face is straight. Not giving anything away.

"Not much, just getting some food." Jack gestures to our table. That's littered with two pretty empty cake plates.

"But why?" Luca asks. And I cringe. That's pretty rude. But I get it, it's still pretty random to me that I'm spending time with Jackson. Let alone for others.

I can't just sit here and let them have a conversation over me. I may not like confrontation anymore but I also don't like to be ignored, or spoken over. And I also don't want to show, that that is not me anymore. 

It feels protective. The bitchy shell I have. 

"Um, excuse me?" I say.

Both Max and Luca flick their eyes over to me. 

"We're just trying to have a conversation with our friend," Luca says condescendingly, it's as if these kids think I'm stupid.

"Well, I am just trying to eat cake with your friend so leave." I nod back towards Grace and her friend. To which I find them staring. Lifting my nose up I wave, belittling them. And I smirk as they both look away. That's how people are supposed to act around me, not like this.

"Mind yourself Ivy, don't pretend you're bigger than you are." Max says he's grinning at me. It's not unfriendly or necessarily threatening but it certainly is amused. Which is infuriating and and slightly unnerving. 

"Is that a threat Max because- "

"Ivy calm down" Jackson snaps at me, probably pissed that I was speaking up.  I hate how it immediately makes me simmer down.

"I'll talk to you later Max." Jackson says to them indicating that this conversation is over. The boys have other ideas though.

"Jack, don't get drawled in by her, I get that she's." Max looks at me. "Ivy. But do you not remember what she did to Jayden? or to Layton?" He looks a little guilty telling his mate to stay away from someone straight in front of said person.

I get it they're just looking out for Jackson. But who do they think I am? I don't bewitch people. They think I'm after Jackson in the same way they thought I was after Jayden and Layton. How fucked up is that. That people think you were the one after your own rapist.

"It's nothing like that Max." Jackson full on snaps at him now, his patience wavering.

"I'm sure it's not." Luca says. He's been pretty quiet, he's just staring at the side of my head as I keep my composure.

"Ivy?" Luca says, snapping me out of my thoughts. I turn to meet his Layton like eyes, trying to remain fierce.

"What Luca?" I spit out.

"Can I talk to you. In private?" He says looking at Max and Jackson whose faces are ones of puzzlement.

Immediately my composure transforms into a tense panic.

"I'm not going anywhere with you." I say quickly. Hoping they don't notice the disgust and a little panic in my voice.

"It's pretty much time we should be heading home anyway." Jackson says, I guess trying to help me out.

"Can I just have five minutes please?" He says this to Jackson this time. Which is pretty shitty, like why do guys do that?

"No Luca." I reply.

He looks at me. "Look Jackson can literally be over there- he gestures to the door. I just need to ask you a few questions."

Whatever questions he wants to ask me, I know I can't answer or shouldn't answer anyway. I was so happy literally five minutes ago and now I don't know how to get out of this situation.

Does he know? Does he know? Does he know?

Oh God. 

I feel dizzy. 

"No Luca, I'm about to go home."

"Ivy please." He stresses. I know I probably should have had stronger willpower, but can you judge me for being curious about what he is wanting to ask? I wanted to know if he knew if Layton was back. I wanted to know what he knew. 

"Ok." I sigh in defeat and nod to Jackson who just starts gathering our plates to clear for the waiters. I would have never done that before. But it's a kind gesture, I will probably start doing that from now on.

Jackson leaves with Max and Luca slides into the seat opposite me. He does look exactly like Layton, it's pretty terrifying.

I lean back, looking at him with wide eyes. 

"Where is he?"

"What?" I whisper. 

"Layton, do you know where he is?" Luca asks and I cringe at the name. I only ever hear it in my head nowadays.

I scrunch my nose up at him, why would he believe I knew where he was? Believe me, if I knew where he was, so would the police and then everyone would know where he was because hopefully, he'd be at the police station.

"No. Luca, I don't. Now if that's everything, I need to be off." I try to make my way out of the booth but he stops me.

"Why did he run away?"

I pause. "Guilt probably." I answer truthfully. Luca doesn't know why Layton should be guilty though, he thinks it's just because he cheated with his best friends' girlfriend. The fact is, he did something much worse.

"He wouldn't run away from Jayden."

I shrug. I honestly don't give a fuck. I just need to get away from Luca. This is a lot. Why am I even still here? I wish they all knew that he wasn't running away from Jay he was running away from the police.

I go to get up again, he doesn't stop me. But his words have me frozen. 

"Ivy, why were the police at my house? The day after. What the fuck happened?" He's whispering now, looking around to make sure nobody heard.

He knows. Does he know? What...?

I try and take a deep breath but I feel a lump rising in my throat. My throat squeezing. What is he asking?

I try and swallow it down, but my voice is hoarse when I try to brush it all away. "Nothing Luca. I don't know what you're on about."

"Yes, you do. You were gone for two weeks after that Friday. I'm not the only one that thinks that's weird. Did you go with him? My mum and dad won't tell me what's going on. Just that the police are round because they were trying to report Layton missing. Apparently, because we have heard from him they can't report him missing. There's something my parent's arent telling me- "

"You've heard from him?" I say, my voice laced with emotion. I try to conceal it but the energy to keep up the act is faltering.

"Yeah, he phoned to say he was fine just laying low the other day. Wouldn't say why he couldn't come back or where he was."

"Have you told the police?" I whisper.

Luca looks at me and scans my body language. I'm visibly shaking, that's just how my body reacts to news about Layton now. But I suppose it's a strange reaction to have, considering the story they all believe.

"No, I only just told my parents."

"You. Need. To."

 He looks at me, and as he reads the fear on my face his face grows to match mine. He looks afraid. And I know I'm letting too much show, I know that if he was smart enough he would make the connection. That in a blink of an eye he would know.

"Ivy...what.." He is whispering too, confused. 

I take a deep breath. "I don't know why the police want him Luca. But if they do, just tell them what they need. But don't tell anyone else. I know it's your brother but I'm sure whatever he's done he deserves whatever's coming."

I quickly jump up then and walk towards the bathroom, I could feel Jackson's eyes on me during the whole conversation with Luca. I know now that I'm going to have to go back home and tell my mum what Luca said, and then probably Lotta or another police officer. It's all just so exhausting.

Walking into the women's bathroom I stand in front of the mirror. My curly hair seems stupid now. My face drained of any ounce of positivity I started the day with.

I start washing my hands in the cold water, just trying to cool my blood that is circulating around my body. I know it sounds strange but when I think about everything, my body burns.

It burns in a similar way to the way It felt that night. I remember, Lotta having to monitor the temperature of my shower because I kept turning it all the way round to the hot side on the temperature gauge. I wanted to burn his touch off of me. I wanted my skin to go, so I didn't have to see the marks he left all over my body.

"Sorry Layton, I'm with Jayden. I'm not interested." I smile and watch as he takes the rejection. 

"You're just confused. You want me just as much as I want you. You don't have to be ashamed."

"No Lay."

The memories of everything he did to me that night come to the forefront of my brain and I can't breathe. It's like my brain's job is literally just to keep shoving these painful images back in front of my eyes as if it is happening to me all over again. Never mind about the usual functions, it forgets that it's supposed to make my lungs take in oxygen or for my eyes to blink. It forgets that I'm supposed to be pretending that everything is ok.

"Stop fighting me Ivy."

"Stop." I cried again and somehow managed to hit his face with as much force as I could muster. 

He pinned my hands. 

"Is that what you like then? you like it rough?"

They come all at once and play out painfully slowly. I hear him and his cries for me to cooperate. I hear his apologies as he rips me apart. I see him naked, I see myself naked from the waist down. I see the yellow walls as I stared defeated at them that night. 

I tried to get away and Layton threw me back down with so much force that my body slammed against the headboard, my head spinning with the intensity, my ribs hurt but I think I was just winded. He keeps coming closer and I keep begging him. 

"You're hurting me, please stop."

"You need to stop, I don't want this."

Stop. 

Stop. 

It's not real. 

It's not happening. 

The images clear and I'm back in the cold bathroom again. Somehow, I had made my way from the mirror to be sat cross-legged head on my knees in a bathroom cubicle. How disgusting. I have no idea how long I've been in here. 

I unlock the cubical and stagger out. The bathroom is still empty and when I look at my face I'm a little surprised my face is dry and my makeup is not smudged. Progress maybe? I laugh. I can't consider this progress.

My cheeks are flushed through, and my head is painfully thumping. How can flashbacks physically hurt? My eyes look so chaotic, I look a mess. 

I am trying to pull my thick hair into a ponytail when the door opens. I don't really pay attention until I see its Grace. She looks almost nervous to see me, what does she think I'm going to do?

She doesn't say anything but comes next to me and starts washing her hands.

I try and pull my hair around my bobble but it's such a thin elastic that it breaks leaving my hair to cascade down around me. I let out this sound, I didn't mean to. But it was pure distress.  For god sake. Why can't I even tie my hair up?

"Here..." She whispers hesitantly. I look down at her hands and see she's giving me her scrunchie.

I go to snap at her because I do not need her help. But the energy to play that role right now isn't there, so I just sigh and take the hairband and try to put my hair up.

I am exhausted. 

My limbs feel so heavy and holding my arms up is such a task. So, I bend over letting my hair hang upside down and gather it up in the hairband. Realising that Jackson is still probably waiting for me, I look at myself in the mirror again and sigh. He's definitely going to notice. I've never properly blacked out during a flashback before, like I can always remember what I did and what was happening at the time. But one second, I was there and then the next I had moved.

I go to leave, but I look back at Grace who is still washing her hands.

"Um, thank you." I say gesturing up towards my hair. She just smiles back in return.

As I leave I awkwardly search for Jackson with my eyes. He is still stood at the front of the shop, just chatting with Max. But what just chatting looks like, actually starts to appear as a heated discussion. Jacksons eyes are frosty and its strange seeing that glare aimed at someone else.

His eyes leave Max and meet mine as I draw close to them. Max is still ranting away, throwing his arms in the air to emphasise his frustration. I think, God that boy must hate me, assuming that they were talking about me.

It's funny because I hate that others hate me but I also can't help but understand it.

As I approach. Jackson raises an eyebrow and mouths 'are you ok'.

Am I ok? I have no idea. I feel sick to my stomach from what Luca was saying and at how close I was to revealing what happened. I feel scared by the way the flashbacks took over my body at how real it all felt. At how vividly my body remembers.

I feel exhausted. 

So, I shake my head at Jackson. No, I'm not ok.

I don't know if I will ever be.