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I'd made it through the whole day at school today- which isn't that major to anyone else but I'm not going to lie, I keep going home after lunch. I went to my first dance lesson today and everything.

The bruises are completely gone now, so I wasn't afraid that any of the girls were going to see anything. I mainly went back because Faye somehow managed to drop theatre and join dance. I didn't want to go back to dance, I have no idea why. But the pressure to be there because now Faye was attending the lessons made me just have to bite the nail and do it.

It was actually really relaxing. The exercise. 

I am now snuggled up in bed, it is about 1:15 AM and I'm munching on some Maltesers. They have been my favourite snack since I was a kid and my parents keep supplying me with them.

Which I am not going to question or complain about- it's chocolate.

I feel so small wrapped up in my double duvet, my hair is a tangled mess beneath me. I washed it earlier and left it to do its thing. Which means real hard work for me in the morning. Even though it's pretty late, sleep for me feels miles away.

My mum keeps telling me I'm not sleeping because I'm napping after school too much. But it's just something about the early hours that seem comforting.

 I don't feel anxious or stressed. I can think about what happened if I want to, and I don't need to feel afraid of my thoughts because I know I am on my own. 

There's nobody around or awake to witness me fall apart. Not that I do fall apart every night. It's just a nice and peaceful time, I can watch Netflix to my heart's desire and I can eat as many Maltesers as I want. The calories don't count after two am, surely?

My second one-hour session is with Mrs Granger tomorrow but it feels a bit odd. Especially since I sit in her office and talk to her quite a lot anyway. I really hope she doesn't find me needy.

Suddenly the thought of Layton pops into my brain. I've been really stressing over the fact that If they do find him if they do bring him back here. He will be back. And everyone will know. Because they will then tell his parents, and then Luca will find out and then so will the boys. And then what am I supposed to do?

Without warning my phone starts ringing and it startles me. Who on earth would be phoning me in the middle of the night?

I look at the caller Id and it says unknown. Which immediately puts my guards up. What if it's him?

Ending the call, mainly out of fright and a little because the ringing was so unnecessarily loud, I wait to see if they recall.

Holding the phone in my shaky palm, I watch as words from an unknown number pop up on my screen.

Unknown: Are you awake?

I debate waking my parents up, I feel terrified at the thought that it may be Layton messaging me. I literally have everyone's number. Apart from... oh I swear to god if this is Jackson I am going to kill him.

Ivy: Who is this?

Unknown: Jackson

Ivy: You scared me

Jackson: Can we call?

Ivy: No wth, it's the middle of the night.

Jackson: I bet you weren't asleep, I'm going to call you

Before I could get a chance to protest, his number appears on my screen again. Huffing in annoyance, knowing he won't stop calling if I don't pick up, I answer the call against my better judgment.

"Wow you actually answered." I hear his deep voice come through the phone. Barely anyway, I need to turn my tv off as it's still playing that show the Tiger King.

"Wait, I can't hear you." I quickly put my tv on mute snuggle back down into my bed.

Putting on Jackson on speaker, because I'm lazy and don't want to hold the phone I say "I'm back."

"Better?"

"Better." I confirm. "Why are you phoning me in the middle of the night Jackson?"

"To say hi?" He replies, I can imagine his hand rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"To say hi?" I question.

"Well no, more like to say sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

He chuckles humorlessly. "There are a few things, you're right."

"And this couldn't wait for tomorrow?"

"What's tomorrow?"

"School?" I ask

"Oh, well I wasn't sure if you would avoid me again so I thought I'd ring you. You're always surrounded by people, did you know that?"

"How did you even get my number?"

"Does that matter?" His voice isn't as hard as before, it seems calm, maybe sleepy?

"I guess not"

"But I am sorry." He stresses.

"Ok." I say.

 I learnt a long time ago that if you say its ok, you're saying they're forgiven. But if you say ok, it gives you the freedom to acknowledge their apology and decide whether or not you forgive them. 

"What are you sorry for Jackson?" I tease a little. Making him work for it.

He sighs in almost amusement. "I'm sorry firstly for being a dick in room 56, then I'm sorry for overstepping your boundaries in the car, and I'm also sorry for what I said today. I'm working on it I swear" He sounds like a little kid having to apologise to a sibling for accidentally hurting them.

"You forgot one thing." I whisper amused through the phone.

"Oh God, what?"

"For scaring me tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"Jackson an unknown number called me in the middle of the night, I was scared."

"Oh." He laughs, "Well yeah then, I'm sorry about that too."

"Why are you awake?"

"Why are you awake?" He counters.

"No reason, just watching TV." I say getting comfortable in bed after leaning over to turn my tv and lamp off.

"I said some shit today..." He says, totally ignoring my earlier question and my response to his question.

"Yeah, you did." I pause and so does he. "I won't tell anyone, you don't need to ask."

"I wasn't going to" He grumbles.

"But I do have a few questions"

"hmm?" He prompts. Surprised that he didn't immediately shoot me down.

"Ok um, well do the boys know- "I was going to ask whether the boys know about the panic attacks. I was curious as to how they would have reacted, curious how Jay would have reacted if he knew about all the shit I was going through.

"Wait, I'll make you a deal. An answer for an answer."

"Jackson I can't- "

"We'll start off easy, Like what's your favourite colour?" He asks.

I exhale in amusement "Probably lilac, like a really light purple."

"Huh, I thought it would be pink" He teases- I don't think I've ever heard him tease before.

"Shut up Mr- my favourite colour is grey or black or some sort of dark blue" I imitate his deep voice.

"That is not my favourite colour" He laughs.

"What is it then?" I ask.

"Is that your first question?"

"Yeah, I guess so" I shrug.

"Like forest Green"

I snort "See I told you it would be something dark and gloomy."

"Ivy, it's not that bad." He chuckles through the phone. 

I laugh back. "Your favourite colour is like your eye colour when you're mad- that's interesting."

"Shut up, Miss lilac. You're literally named after a colour, where's the loyalty?"

I cringe a little at the reference to loyalty, he pauses, he probably noticed it too.

"Wait, I am not named after a colour. I'm named after a plant, what do you mean? Ivy is like a weed."

"Well the plant represents a colour, so I guess I meant that." He sighs. "Anyway, the second question."

Probably feeling like he can't just jump straight into the harder questions he asks "What show are you watching?"

"It's off now, but I was watching this thing called Tiger King. It's hilarious. Well kind of, it has some sad bits in it to but the people in it are so eccentric and honestly hysterical."

He doesn't say anything when I pause. So I stare at the TV screen and I carry on talking. 

"The main guy owns like two hundred and seventy tigers and he has a mullet and he's a proper redneck, cowboy type." I take a breath "Not to mention he's gay and has two husbands. But listen to this, both of the husbands aren't even really gay, they are both just addicted to meth and the tiger king just supplies them so therefore they think they're in love. It's tragic really. - I'm sorry, I totally just went off" I force myself to stop talking, I don't know why I just spilt the whole plot of the series to Jackson.

He laughs lightly. "Don't be sorry, I am surprised you are watching something like that though."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." He says.

"Whatever Jackson, it's a good show ok."

"Ok I will watch it."

"You don't have to-"

"No honestly I was sold by the whole two husbands, 300 tigers, meth thing, I've got to know what happens now."

I find myself laughing at Jackson's sense of humour. A soft chuckle, but for the first time in weeks, it feels really genuine.

"My turn to ask a question," I say. "What is your favourite film?" 

I know he wants me to ask a more serious question but I know if I ask him my serious questions, he'll ask me his. And I know I can't tell him what he wants to know. So, I will have to lie, and I'm already wrapped up in so many lies right now.

"Err, don't murder me but I don't really like films. Like obviously I do, but I'd choose something else over watching a film. They're so long." He groans.

"Oh, come on, you must have a favourite," I say

"Well, I liked the movie The Polar Express, lame, I know, but it is my comfort movie."

I smile. "Your comfort movie?"

"Actually I change that. The Sixth Sense. That's clever." He says. 

I laugh at the divergence. But go along with it. 

"Oh yeah, the one about the kid who sees ghosts?"

"That's the one, I'm pretty impressed you know it"

"Excuse me, I am well cultured thank you"

"Cultured? By knowing a film?" He chuckles.

"Yes." I assert.

"Ok, ok" he says in mock surrender. "My turn, who else knows about whatever you're going through?"

I knew he'd try and up it this time, but I guess I can actually answer that one. Sort of.

"From school?" I ask.

"Sure."

"Literally just you, I guess."

"What? Jayden doesn't know? You were together for months." His voice is confused. He thinks I've always been like this then. That I was suffering when I was with Jayden as well.

So okay, he doesn't know. He doesn't even suspect. 

"No, I'm good at hiding it." It's not a lie, but it feels like one. I never had to hide anything from Jay because there was nothing to hide.

"Oh. You seemed close."

"My turn." I say, trying to distract. "Would you rather be born with an elephant trunk or a giraffe neck?"

He laughs pretty loudly, the sound echoing in the dead silence that is my house. "What sort of question is that?"

"A valid one" I humph.

"Definitely the giraffe neck one."

"Why? You are already tall enough"

"Because why on earth would you want an elephant trunk?" He chuckles.

"I don't know maybe because then you'd have like an extra sort of arm. For example, if two people were hanging on an edge of a building, you wouldn't have to choose who to save. Your arms could pull one person up and then your trunk could scoop up the other." I say in all seriousness.

"If I had a weird-ass neck I could just use that." He humours me.

I laugh at the visual in my head of Jackson with an 8-foot neck.

"I don't know, it's late."

"Why didn't you tell Jayden?" I guess and hope he means about anxiety.

"Weird transition but ok- because it was none of his business."

I'm hoping that if I keep asking Jackson weird questions, totally unrelated to anything going on in our reality then he wouldn't push his questions too much. Like you wouldn't ask someone their deepest darkest secret if they're asking you what snack you'd want to be, surely?

"None of his business?" He questions.

"Nope. What snack would you want to be?"

He laughs again, and I'm pretty impressed that I'm making him laugh. For one, I've never been considered funny, I don't really show that side of myself. Doesn't fit well with being head of the school. But also, I've never seen Jackson laugh, maybe smile whilst all the boys are in hysterics over something but never laugh in that way.

"Ivy James- I am surprised that these are the questions you wanted to ask me"

"Well, they aren't but I'm working towards it." Giving him hope that I will ask the serious questions later, which will hopefully make him wait to fire me his serious questions.

"I'd be a Malteser."

"Oh my God, I love maltsters!" I say gleefully. Nobody ever gets my obsession with them.

"I've never even seen you eat, do you eat?" He says playfully, which I am taking as his next question.

"Yes, in fact, there is an empty packet of Maltesers on my floor right now. What's your favourite song?"

"Um I have no idea honestly." He lies, I'm sure he has a favourite song. He just won't tell me.

"What's yours?" he asks.

"I'm not telling you if you won't tell me"

"I'm not, not telling you I just don't know."

"Mhm, sure."

"Whatever, my turn."

"No, it's not, you asked me what my song was. If you were a planet, which planet would you be?"

"I give up with these questions" He laughs. "I would be Saturn."

"What why?" I ask. Saturn is always the planet that I say I want to be.

"It's cool. Rings and that."

"I reckon you'd be Pluto. Small and cold."

"Excuse me? Small and cold. What the hell?" He laughs.

"Yep, especially cold."

"Whatever Ivy." He sighs in amusement. "Would you rather eat a whole bottle of ketchup or a whole jar of mayonnaise?" He surprisingly asks.

"Yes! You've joined me over to the dark side" I say referencing the weird question. "Ketchup definitely."

"Ketchup! That's it we can't be friends." He states amused.

"Friends?" I question. Is this what we're doing here? I don't think I've ever had a genuine friend. The girls are becoming that for me lately, especially Nora but not someone that actually knows me.

"Er, yeah. I mean you need friends." He says.

"I have friends."

"People who agree with everything you say are not friends."

"We can't be friends Jackson."

"What why?" He says legitimately confused. Has he never heard of the whole bros before hoes concept?

"Your best mates literally hate me. You know what they think I did- "I say.

Hearing the words back I hope to God he doesn't hear the word 'think'.

"They don't hate you, they're just protective of Jayden". If he noticed what I said, he doesn't comment.

"And you aren't?"

"I can't be friends with both of you?"

"No, you can't. You saw how angry he was when you offered me a lift home last week. How did you get out of that one anyway?"

"He thinks we're doing an art project together. He also thinks I'm very against the idea, just to warn you."

"So, we aren't friends, we're art partners?"

"Erm maybe in the boy's eyes?"

"I'm not being your secret friend" I laugh at the thought of him having to be friends with both of us. I felt bitter. 

"Ivy, you know how I am around the boys. You were with us for a long while. They won't notice. It's not going to cause anyone grief. I'm just gonna have to teach you how to be a friend."

"Teach me? I've never seen you interact with anyone in what people would call a friendly manner."

"Fine we shall learn together then."

There's an awkward pause, not really awkward, just I don't know what to say to that and he hasn't filled the silence. I look at the clock its already turned two, meaning we've been chatting for a long while. I wonder if he will end the conversation here.

He doesn't.

"What's your favourite type of vegetable?" He asks and I laugh. I'm glad he didn't choose to end the conversation.

These types of questions go back and forth between us until I think I fall asleep. I can't remember ending the call, but what I do remember is waking up the next morning, exhausted but not feeling so alone in the world as I did the day before.

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