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Nora's mother found condoms in her bag. Therefore the movie night got cancelled. 

Which was fine with me, I was emotionally fucking exhausted.  

And the rest of the week went pretty quickly. We rearranged to meet for movies tonight instead. Nora's parents got over it pretty quickly. Apparently, they scorned because that's what they thought they should do, then they talked, realised she was being safe and was educated and realised they were harsh. 

Therefore it's a Friday night and instead of going to a party, or out, we were going to have a quiet night at Nora's. 

I have been in an obvious funk since my conversation with Jackson, we haven't talked. Or seen each other really. My parents hesitantly agreed for me to do something other than chill at home with them tonight. The sickness I was feeling in the car from the other day, hadn't really left, it is still pretty present but that might just be hunger over the fact I've hardly eaten today. The thought of food makes me smile and my mum chuckles at me.

"What are you thinking about?" She says as she drives me to Nora's.

"Food." I said sheepishly, before all of this she used to encourage salads and healthy living. I feel like I'm not the only one who has had a reality check. Everything I felt was so serious before, really isn't now. I just want to get back to a place where I enjoy myself, whatever it is I'm doing. The restrictions I once set seem feebly in relation to my want to actually live my life.

"What are you guys going to eat?" She laughs lightly at me.

"I don't actually know." I place my hand on my stomach "Whatever it is, I hope it is soon though."

"Arent you going to the store to get snacks anyway? You could pick out something then?"

"Yeah they are but I'm coming after."

"Oh, how come?"

"I just wanted to nap when I got home a bit, they all went around to Nora's straight away."

In reality, I was still a bit scared to go to such a public space. The school was difficult enough but I know I have a lot of control there. I hadn't yet been to like a shopping mall or even a supermarket after that night and I'm worried that it will be too much. 

The thought of it being crowded, or getting lost or even being eyed up by random men makes me uneasy and I'm not sure how I would react. At least at school, I know where to hide.

I'm not sure if I'm just being crazy. I keep questioning that lately if the worries I have are rational? Because before I would have thought they weren't, but now I know I should have been more careful I should have taken measures to prevent being in such a vulnerable position. But I didn't.

My mum hums in agreement with whatever we were previously talking about and turns down Nora's road. It's funny because I've never been here to just 'hang out'. We've been friends for so many years but the only time I have ever been here was during a party or to get ready for a party. Talking about parties, there is one tonight, obviously, I'm not going, they wanted to. But Nora said that she didn't want to push her mum, after such a rocky week and I jumped on that and said we should do this instead. They all thought it was a good idea. I was mainly just trying to get out of the party, I do not need anyone finding out that I am afraid of being in that environment again.

We pull up to Nora's house and my mum pulls me into a gentle half hug from the side, "Its so good that you are spending time with friends honey, make sure you have fun."

Smiling at her, but withdrawing from the sudden physical contact I nod.  "Thanks, I don't know how long the girls stay for, they might be sleeping over. Is it okay for you to pick me up about 9 or 10?"

"Yeah, of course. You can stay if you like."

"And wake them all up screaming? No thanks."

My mum's lips part slightly. She swallows and nods. "Okay, text me whenever and I will come and get you. I'll just be doing paperwork or hanging out with your dad anyway."

"Ok, bye" I say and climb out of the car. I have some comfy clothes with me, I'm not sure what the girls will be wearing and I didn't want to look too relaxed. I'm still in my school clothes, hopefully I will get changed when I get in.

Mums car pulls away and I'm hit with a sudden awkwardness. Obviously, I have to ring the doorbell, but I suddenly feel like I'm intruding on the girl's movie night. I don't think they have ever invited me, what if that's because they all secretly hate me, I wouldn't blame them to be fair.

Whilst I have been fretting, I hear the front door click open and Jess is stood grinning at me with her hair in a messy bun and pyjamas.

"Ivy! You're finally here, Faye and Nora are upstairs" She beams at me and I am immediately less stressed.

"Hey, don't I feel overdressed," I say lightly, referring down to my school outfit.

"Oh" she looks down at her leggings and baggy jumper "I can get changed?"

I shake my head at her. I honestly hate the way she would do that for me. "Are you crazy? Don't be silly I have comfy clothes in my bag don't worry." I try to smile at her, but the frown from her statement still sits pretty sternly on my face.

She shrugs and pulls me inside. Looking around, I notice that Nora's family are pretty well off. The house is decorated beautifully, there's a cleanness to it that highlights how she's an only child. I imagine Jess's house with her 5 other siblings must get pretty messy. Even though it's so modern and minimal, her house has a nice vibe. You can tell it is lived in and that she must have a pretty good relationship with her parents. There are white photo frames sprinkled around the open plan of the house.

Walking to Nora's room I take note that we aren't going upstairs, and although I know I don't pay that much attention, I definitely remember Nora's room being up the stairs.

"Where are we going?" I ask Jess.

"To Nora's room, what do you mean?"

As we walk into what I guess is Nora's room I continue. "I swear it was upstairs/"

Jess laughs and I guess Nora catches on to my comment. " Don't you remember I told you I was redoing my room? We changed this room into my bedroom, it took a whole two months" She informs me, raising an eyebrow. 

"Oh yeah" I smile sheepishly. "Sorry"

The girls just laugh at my cluelessness. I think they might be used to it.

"Anyway, how was movie shopping?" I ask.

Faye jumps up and rushes to the two full bags of junk food. Which makes my eyebrows raise, I wonder if they do this every Wednesday.

"We don't normally get this much" Jess reassures.

"Yeah but today is special because you're here." Faye says and starts to show me the whole collection of movies she brought for tonight.

I guess I've never noticed how sweet the girls can be. Obviously, I've watched and heard them be horrible to so many people. But their loyalty to each other is actually quite admirable. I hope they catch on to my- be nice to people- new goal and go with it. I smile widely at them both, without force. This was definitely the right choice.

"Is there anywhere I can get changed?" I ask Nora.

She looks at me suspiciously, I've never been one to be insecure about my body. I used to get changed in front of them all the time. The whisper of bruises and the thought of eyes on me meant that the idea of changing in front of anyone is a big nope nowadays.

"Err, yeah you can use my bathroom it's literally opposite my room"

"Thanks." I say. 

Walking out of her room, I remember that I do indeed still owe her earphones and lipstick. Thankfully, I remembered to pack them just before I left the house.

There are big mirrors in her bathroom, meaning I could get a good look at myself as I got changed. My comfy sports leggings hug my hips loosely, the attractive curve of my waist seems a lot smaller now. I definitely need to regain my appetite. My chest was never my best asset anyway, but as they are still covered in small unattractive pigments of light yellow that I can't bear to look. Shaking it off I pull a hoodie over my head. My hair descends all the way down to my waist and although I've been thinking about chopping it, it's something about myself that I don't hate. It's a pretty dark colour, with hues of gold and light brown, the waves have been coming out more lately- I think it's to do with my laziness in my appearance. But I don't mind the curls too much.

Walking back into Nora's bedroom, I see that the girls must each have their own usual space to sit. Again, I feel awkward. Faye's sat on the fluffy rug in the middle of the room on a beanbag, sorting through the DVD's, Nora's sat curled up in her bed and Jess is on the armchair opposite. Nora notices me and makes room for me to sit next to her which I greatly appreciate.

Climbing under the covers I hand her her stuff. "Hey I'm sorry I've been keeping these hostages"

"Oh!" She says in delight. "Thanks"

We all settle and Faye starts the first movie, apparently, we will order food halfway through so that way the food comes at the end? They must do this a lot.

Jess and Faye chat throughout most of the film, which is quite nice to be honest. They just gossip about what's going on in each other's lives and things they have heard over the last week.  Nora is sat comfortably on her phone and I realise these nights aren't about watching films at all, they just enjoy being in each other's companies and make an excuse to do it regularly every week.

"Can you pass me the candy?" Nora nods towards my side of the bed. Giving them to her I feel her staring at the side of my head.

"What's up?" I ask. 

"Why did Jackson give you a lift home from school the other day, I have been meaning to ask?" She whispers, and although I know she was being discrete I can feel the girls have started listening to our conversation.

"How do you know?"

"I saw you get into his car."

"Oh." I say. "And um he was just being nice I guess,  he overheard that my dad couldn't pick me up and so he offered me a ride. I think he feels bad about how the boys have been acting." I sort of lie, I don't even really know why he offered me a lift home. I Still haven't figured out why he wants to know everything so bad. Maybe literally just to torture me. 

"Oh ok, I didn't know he could be nice. He's usually so rude. Or well just cold."

I nod absentmindedly. He is. But he seemed almost aminated that day. 

She's looking at me expectantly. 

"Oh, he was horrible on the way anyway I don't think that's changed." I reassure her.

"What why what did he say?"

I look away awkwardly, not really knowing what to say he said "Nothing awful just was his usual plain nastiness."

"Urgh they are the worst. Especially Jackson, the other's used to at least crack a smile, laugh with us, he was always so uninterested." Jess adds in, letting us know that she heard the whole conversation. 

She thinks he is one of the worst out of that group of boys? I think he's probably my favourite, which says a lot considering my anger towards him right now.

"Honestly, that's so strange. That he would give you a ride home and then we horrid along the way." Faye adds. 

"I know" I shrug "Anyway what's going on with you guys?"

"Err, so nothings really happening with me." Jess admits but starts grinning at Nora "But Nora on the other hand..."

Throwing a pillow at Jess's face, Nora starts smiling softly "Yeah, I may be seeing someone"

Faye squeals and moves to sit on the bed as well, climbing over my legs she sits at the bottom of the bed opposite us.

"Who is it?"

"Nobody you guys know, honestly I didn't even recognise him. But he goes to our school, just in a really lowkey crowd."

"But you know everyone." I think aloud.

"Yeah, I thought so too."

"Anyway, how did you meet like how do you know each other?" Jess interrupts, nudging Faye to make room for her.

"Erm well basically its really simple, my dad started a new job with his dad and so we went to their family BBQ. At first, he was so shy around me and it was so adorable and then we've been talking pretty much every day and although nothings properly happened with us yet, he's the first guy that I am actually interested in."

We all gush a little over her feelings for this new guy. It is really nice that she has been getting to know someone different from the usual lads that she goes for. For instance, I was pretty convinced that she and Max, Jayden's friend, had been hooking up these last few months. Although I guess this means they haven't, or if that had, it means it's over.

"Ivy, how are you and Jayden?" Faye asks changing the topic from Nora's love life to my tragic one.

Urgh. 

"What do you mean? We're over."

"I just mean have you two talked?"

"A bit I guess. He officially broke it off Monday and he warned me away from his new girl thing. He's coming to get his stuff tomorrow." I say. 

He asked if he could get it Saturday instead because he had practice after school every day this week. 

The girls exchange snide amused looks. "He's coming over tomorrow?"

Did you they not hear me literally tell them it was officially over between us?

"Yeah, don't look at me like that. It is literally to just get his things from mine. Believe me, nothing's going to happen."

"That's always when things happen though, that last emotional goodbye." Jess smirks at me "God I bet that Grace is bricking it."

"It won't. He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you." All three girls say simultaneously.

"Wait, didn't you say he warned you away from Grace. What did you mean?" Nora says. 

"Literally that. He pulled me to the side after Art" I nod to Jess "He wanted to make sure I wasn't planning to go after her."

The girl's pause, suggesting that I had to either confirm or deny the fact that I wasn't going to go after her.

"I'm not." I raise my hands in surrender and actually laugh at the fact they immediately assumed I would go after her.

The girls burst into sniggers at my reply to their faces. They must all think the same off me. But for the first time, it doesn't make me feel so shit. Because I'm going against their expectations, maybe I'm actually getting better.

"So, you're not going to hook up with Jay tomorrow? Even if he wants to?" Jess asks. 

I cringe unconsciously. "Nope, I swear. That's definitely not going to happen."

Nora nudges me lightly and gives me a puzzling look. I guess it might appear strange that I'm so against getting back with my ex-boyfriend who I wrong did. Like it's not as if I am upset with him. He was the one that broke up with me. 

"What?" I shrug. "Whatever was between me and Jay had run its course. Let's just leave it like that."

"Is that why you hooked up with Layton?" Jess bursts, and then smacks her hands to her mouth. "I'm sorry- I know you said you didn't want to talk about it. It just came out."

I smile gently at her, I really didn't want to have to indulge their idea about me and Layton. The picture of me and him is going to forever be ingrained in my mind. I don't need to talk about it anymore.

"It's just we are curious." Faye adds kindly, trying to ease the awkward tension that has filled the room.

"What are you curious about? It was a drunken mistake. Nothing more."

"Oh ok," Nora replied as Jess and Faye look at each other in confusion.

"What?" I snap, maybe I haven't lost my quick to temper self.

"Nothing." Faye says quickly.

"Well.." Jess draws out slowly. "The rumour that went around the school whilst you were off was that you and Layton had been seeing each other behind Jayden's back for a while before that Friday. Like everyone was saying that Layton liked you for ages and you liked him back." She admits.

I get why they're curious, I would be too if this was the actual truth.

"No, that's all fake." I mean I hope the whole Layton liking me thing is fake. "I literally was just drunk."

"Oh, Ivy that's so shit" Nora adds softly. "How drunk?"

Panicked that I had given something away, I raise an eyebrow to get her to elaborate.

"I-I just mean that you and Jay ended because of that Friday."

"Oh" I sigh in relief. Imagine if they knew the truth. "Nah like I said earlier, I probably would have broken up with Jayden soon anyway." I'm not too sure if that's true, but it's easier for the girls to just believe that the whole situation wasn't that important. 

I needed to appear nonchalant. Which this evening I think I've done a good job at. Obviously, I don't think it will ever become easier to talk about what happened, but I needed to stop expressing that it was hard to talk about it so explicitly.

Unknowing that she was being kind, Faye changes the subject, she was probably just bored with the topic.

Finally, the pizza came and we all indulged ourselves in the take out. Seeing the girls so relaxed and comfortable with each other and actually so comfortable with me, makes me question why I used to get so annoyed with them. Why I hadn't done this before.

I know that they can't fully be my support system because they don't know what I'm going through, but I realise I want them to be. I feel better when I'm around people, especially when I'm spending time with friends. I don't even know if I can say that yet, I don't truly know how to be a good friend. But I am going to try. 

The night goes really fast after that, we watch another film and then my mum messages me to tell me she's on her way.

In the car, mum asks me about how the night went and I could feel myself smiling as I quickly run over what we did.

And I think it might have been my first genuine smile that wasn't forced or at least thought about. It was just on my face as we talked. 

And mu smiled back at me. 

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