Chapter 37

Josie couldn’t describe the melting in her heart, or the explain the tears in her eyes, as she curled up with Travis and Tristan on the couch that evening.  Half-way through the second movie for the night, the boy fell asleep, lying across both of them, and Travis had one hand brushing back the hair of his son, and the other hand caressing the small hairs at the nape of her neck.  

It was an absolutely normal family evening, much like the ones she shared with her own mother and father back home, and it was perfect and surreal at the same time.  She’d been accepted.  Those words echoed through her heart.  Travis had accepted her as part of his life...a part of his life that included his son.

And it hadn’t taken sex to get her there.

That realization caused her to snuggle closer to those Fischer men and bury her crying eyes into the crook of Travis’ shoulder.  He shifted slightly, and then a tissue pressed against her cheek.  “Do you always cry at this movie?” he asked quietly with a hint of humor in his voice.

 Since Josie had no idea what movie they were currently watching, she lied and said, “Of course...don’t you?”

 “I’ve seen it about four hundred times now,” he said.  “I’m immune.”

 Josie wiped her eyes and sat up.  “I think he’s down for the count,” she said, nudging her chin at Tristan.  

 Travis untangled his arm from around her shoulders and hauled Tristan against his chest.  “I’ll put him to bed.”  Tristan murmured in his sleep and Travis said, “Shh...I’ll tuck you in, Little Man.”

 But then the boy twisted in his daddy’s arms and stretched a chubby little hand to Josie.  “Shosie,” he said sleepily.

 “I’m still here,” she said, standing up to kiss the top of his head.

 “Shosie,” Tristan said again.  “Sing song, Shosie.  Sing night-night song.”

 Travis smiled down at her.  “I think he wants you to sing him a lullaby.”

 “Do you normally sing for him at bedtime?” Josie asked, following the two of them back to Tristan’s bedroom.

 “With my voice?” Travis chuckled.  “I’d give him nightmares.”

 “You’re not that bad,” Josie laughed softly.  With Tristan curled up between his blankets, hugging the owl Josie gave him, Travis stepped back, and Josie perched on the edge of the mattress.  Holding that sweet hand between her palms, she began singing an old Welsh lullaby she learned in one of her music history classes in college.  It had been a favorite of hers ever since.  Tristan’s warm brown eyes watched her through two verses before they slowly started drifting and the easy, even breath of sleep claimed him again.  But Josie didn’t stop singing until her song was over, and even then, she couldn’t seem to let him go yet.

Gazing fondly at that little boy...Josie saw the makings of a very handsome young man in the slope of his forehead and nose, in the angle of his cheeks, in the sweeps of his eyebrows.  He had the mixture of sweetness from his mother Arielle, and the tenacity of his father.  Josie’s heart buckled in her chest.  How she yearned for a child like him…  These protective, loving feelings for him, they startled her.  Before tonight, the thought of her becoming a mother had not been something she dwelled on.  Before tonight, she would have adamantly claimed she was not ready for that.  But that was before tonight.  Something had changed, between her and Travis, between all three of them, and that something eluded her.

 She wanted Tristan...as her own.  And that scared her.  Josie never wished to replace Arielle, but the idea that she would have to give up Tristan if Travis gave up on her…

 Oh, God...I would if You and he wished it, but please don’t make me...

 Leaning on the doorjamb behind her, Travis said, “That was beautiful, Josie.  What’s the name of that song?”

 “‘Mil Harddach’,” she replied in a whisper, still staring through a blind of tears at the peacefully sleeping child.  “It’s a traditional Welsh lullaby.”

 “I didn’t know you could speak Welsh,” he replied in a strange tone, and Josie shifted around to smile at him.

 “I just know that one song.”

 He smiled back with a rush of breath.  “That’s a relief.  I’d hate for you to start cussing at me in languages I don’t understand.”

 She shook her head slightly at his joke.  “I do know some French and Spanish.”

 “Of course, you do,” he said, a twinkle to his eyes, the same warm eyes of his son.

 With one one last look at Tristan, she bent to kiss his head, smoothing back the soft hair, and then she stood up and faced the father.  “Travis…”

 He pushed away from the door and held out a hand for her.  “Let’s go out back and talk.”

 Josie blinked at his hand before she slid her palm against his and allowed him to pull her to her feet.  She wasn’t sure what he wanted to discuss, but she figured it must be important, from the way he looked profoundly into her eyes.  He led her through the dark house, stopping briefly to snatch a bottle of white wine from the refrigerator and two glasses from the drainboard by the sink.  Outside, he ushered her to a cushioned lounge chair and sat down with her on the foot end.  She turned her face up to the bright stars as he opened the wine and poured them both glasses.  

 “I’ve had this wine sitting in the fridge ever since the wedding,” he commented as he set the bottle on the grass.  “I figured it’s been chilling long enough.  Cheers, Shosie.”

 Josie tipped her head back and drank.  It was sweet, slightly-bold, and a wonderful remedy for the turmoil inside her.  With a sigh of appreciation, she shifted on the chair, bringing a knee up so she could face him.  “Travis--”

 “No, hang on a minute,” he said.  “My date; I get the first say-so.”  He glanced at her from the side and then looked up to study the stars just as she had moments ago.  Josie sipped more of her wine and allowed her eyes to travel along his profile, loving every slant and arch, from the winged eyebrows that could furrow in frustration quicker than a heartbeat, to the contours of his mouth which would be gentle or demanding, as she well knew.

 “I love nights like this one,” he finally spoke.  “I know I’m not the kind to go off spouting lines of poetry, and all that, but some things are just too beautiful to ignore.”

 Josie dipped her head as she smiled to herself.  “You forget, Travis.  I’ve heard your songs, the lyrics in them.  They can be quite poetic...in their own dark way.”

 That same mouth she’d been studying curved upwards.  “I get inspired from time to time, depending on what’s going on.  Take that song you sang to Tristan...just watching you and listening to you...I have a few new lyrics in mind right now.”

 “Do you?” she murmured lightly.  “They’re not grim and foreboding, are they?”

 He turned around, gazing earnestly at her.  “No, they are as far from grim as I’ve ever gone.  Do you remember at the wedding, when I said you make people fall in love with you?”

 “How could I forget?” she replied calmly, though her heart skittered sideways from fear and anticipation.  “You told me to stay away from your son in the next breath.”

 “Yeah…”  He sighed heavily and scrubbed his hands through his hair.  “I was wrong about that.”

 Josie took another sip of her wine.  “Which part?  Because I remember you apologizing for the second thing.”

 “That’s what I was wrong about,” he answered.  “I was angry and scared, and I lashed out at you because you were there, and I--”

 Josie stayed his likely ramblings with a hand on his arm.  “You were in pain that day, Travis.  You were just trying to protect Tristan, and yourself, and I understood that.”

 His gaze was profound as he covered her hand with his own.  “Which brings me to that first thing I mentioned...how do you do it, Josie?”

 Josie’s throat nearly closed up, locked down, with a swallow of wine still in her mouth, and she explored the expression on his face, looking for anything that would reveal to her the justification for his question...for the topic of conversation...for any kind of clue before she opened her mouth and said the wrong thing.  “I...I don’t do anything, Travis…”

 “Yes, you do,” he said, nodding his head.  He gently took her glass, set it near the bottle in the grass.  Then he grabbed both her hands and held them close.  The full moon glared overhead, and the porch light above the back door highlighted enough of the yard to chase shadows toward them.  Josie could only breathe in the night air and watch the the way the natural and synthetic lights battle in his eyes as they tiptoed into her own gaze.  

 “Josie, two months ago, you walked into the basement studio, plopped your sweet hind-end in front of my microphone and blew my mind...I haven’t been the same since then.  If you don’t set out to make people love you, to make me love you, then what do you set out to do?”

 “That has the sound of a trick question,” she said quietly.  “I told you once before that I’m not trying to mislead you or to ambush you into feeling anything for me...why are you asking me this?  Have I done something wrong?”

 “Not a damn thing,” he replied solemnly.

 “Are we not okay?” she asked, scooting closer to him and twisting her hands so that they grasped him tightly.  “Are you have second thoughts?  Because after last night, and this afternoon, and…  Oh, hell, Travis...don’t make me beg for this.  You know I’ve never been the needy type.  I might tease and taunt you, and maybe I’ve threatened just a little bit, but I’ve never bent down to lick your boots--”

 He grinned.  “I’m not wearing boots.”

 “You know what I mean!”

 He released one of his hands to cup the side of her jaw.  “Josie...do you love Tristan?”

 She sucked in a steady breath.  “As though he is my own,” she whispered.

 “Would you still love him if you had a child of your own?”

 Now, she stared at him as if he’d lost his ever-loving mind.  “What kind of question is that?  Of course, I would still love him!  Hannah never loved me less when she and Daddy had Jak and the girls.  I never felt left out or alone, and that’s the only example I will follow, because I know what it’s like to not be wanted or loved, and I refuse to be anything like my own mother!”

 He gazed at her for a considerable pause after that, giving her the time and space to calm herself.  Indeed!  Would I love him any less?!  

 “I’ve upset you,” he stated.  

 Josie shook her head and looked away.  “I’m not upset.  I’m insulted!”

 “I’m glad,” he said, bringing her face back around toward him.  “You should be insulted--”

 She knew her eyes flashed.  She could feel the sparks shooting out of her eyeballs.  Okay...maybe now, I’m upset…

 “--because I would never fall in love with a woman who wouldn’t be,” he finished.

 The sparks flickered out.  And the air in her lungs solidified so that she couldn’t breathe...couldn’t move...could barely hear through the roaring inside her head…

 “Wh-what?”

 His mouth smiled, but his eyes held hers steady.  “Josie, how many dates have we been on?”

 “I...I don’t...this is three, right?”

 “Yes, and what usually happens on the third date?” he asked, his thumb drawing little circles in the crease of her mouth.  

 “I believe some people consider that the sex date, although, sex after only three dates is completely irresponsible, and...and we can’t do that anyway…”

 His other hand cradled the other side of her face, and he leaned so close, she lost focus of his eyes, and he said, “I agree...sex after three dates is very stupid.  When I make love to you for the first time, I plan to make damn sure it’s perfect and the right time, and my son isn’t sleeping in the next room.”

 She worked to dislodge the gigantic lump in her throat, and on her next exhale, she said, “So...third date, no sex…”

 “No sex.”

 “And you were saying something about a woman who should be insulted?”

 The corners of his eyes crinkled as he grinned.  “Didn’t forget that, did you?”

 “Whenever you say the word love, my ears perk up, and it’s difficult to think of anything else,” she said so quietly and so shaky, she wasn’t even sure all the words came out correctly.

 In a whisper, he brushed his lips against hers.  “You love my son…”

 “Yes…”

 Another sighing kiss…  “You love me?”

 “Yes…I love you...”

 He nibbled on her bottom lip.  “Is there any reason why I shouldn’t fall in love with you, Josie?”

 She clenched the front of his shirt, eyes squeezed shut as her heart hammered like a prisoner locked in its cage while a riot raged around it.  “I have bony ankles,” she said with her lip imprisoned between his teeth.

 “I love your ankles…”

 “I hog the covers,” she added, right before he slid his tongue through her lips.

 “Hmm…”

 His kiss pulled at her soul, from the tips of her toes upward.  Josie clung to him...more apprehensive on the direction of the conversation than on the hot contact of their mouths and bodies.  When he left her gasping for breath, he feathered his way down her neck, circling the pulse there below her ear, causing shivers and goosebumps to cover her skin.

 “What else?” he asked.

 “And...and...oh, god...stop torturing me, Travis…”

 “You tortured me all summer…”

 “I’m sorry...please…”

 “Say you love me…”

 “I love you…”

 “Again.”

 “I love you!”

 He pulled back to look into her eyes.  “I believe you,” he whispered.  “Does it feel like you’ve learned to fly but you can’t remember taking any lessons?”

 Her fists curled tighter into his shirt.  “It feels like that one song that always gives you chills and warmth, no matter how many times you hear it.”

 “Like driving too fast down the highway, faster than anything has gone before, but knowing, without a single doubt in your mind, that you’ve never been safer?”

 She licked her lips.  “Like breathing in a summer rain, finding your first four-leaf clover, dancing in your underwear when no one is looking--”

 “Watching the most beautiful woman in the world sing a lullaby to your son?”

 Josie trembled.  Her whole body shook with longing and love.  “It’s the indescribable honor of singing a lullaby to your son.”

 Travis let out a long breath, and Josie realized that his hands shivered against her skin.  “So, that’s what love feels like…”

 She clamped her teeth shut, hoping that would keep the rest of her mouth closed, because if he was going to tell her he was in love with her, then she really, really didn’t want to interrupt...and if she did say something, she had the horrible feeling she just might get down on her knees and lick the soles of his shoes, regardless of what she said about begging.  But the seconds ticked away, and the stars twinkled mischievously, and Josie felt certain that Travis and the divine forces were intentionally drawing this out to mess with her head.

 “Josie?”

 “Yes!”  She jerked and nearly crawled into his lap.

 He blinked and smiled slowly.  “Am I making you nervous?”

 “You’re killing me!”

 “How long have you been waiting for this?”

 “You know how long!”

 His smile widened.  “Stand up, Josie.”

 “Why?”

 He pulled her to her feet, guided her to the middle of the backyard, where the moon shone directly over them, and the warm breeze tickled her cheeks.  He touched her gently alongside her jaw again in that way which melted her heart, and he said, “Don’t move.  Stay right here.”

 As if she could make her feet move right now…  Travis turned away and walked back the house.  He reached into the back door, flipped off the light to the porch and came back to her in the darkness.  Coming to a stop before her again, she watched as he smoothed back his hair, adjusted his shirt and visibly cleared his throat with a fist to his lips.  It was silly to her.  What was with all this fuss?  Just say it!

 He looked up into the sky again, adjusted her position a few inches to the left, and she said, “Travis, what are you--”

 “Hush, Princess,” he muttered.  “When I tell a woman I love her, I want it to be perfect.”

 Hot, joyful tears sprung up.  “Oh, Travis--”

 “Shush,” he said, louder this time.  “I haven’t said it yet.”

 “But--”

 He shoved a finger over her lips.  “I mean it, Princess...be quiet.  Do you want me to say this, or not?”

 She opened her mouth against his fingertips--

 “No, don’t answer that,” he said quickly.  She shut her mouth and stared at him through the trickle of tears.  “Okay...um, here it goes...Josie, I...okay, right...Josie…”  He stopped and blew out a harsh breath.  His gaze found hers and stuck there.  “Josie, I love the way you always smell like coconuts, and I love that you love Star Trek, even though Star Wars is way better, and...and I love the way your eyes glow when you smile, and when you sing, and I love that you will crawl into a sandbox to play with a little boy’s make-believe zoo, and I love that you know all the words to ‘Nookie’ and you can sing it with a straight face, and that you can make ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’ on the guitar sound like a Mozart symphony.  I love that you make yoga look a hell of a lot easier than it is, and...and I love that you never gave up on me.  I will never find another woman like you, and if you’d said, ‘F*ck it,’ the first time I told you to leave me alone, and...and then actually left me alone, Josie, I…"

 He paused again, frowning thoughtfully.  "Jesus, I just realized that we are nothing