E L E V E N

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The world around me moved in slow motion. The floor shifted up and down, like waves on the ocean. I watched it move, eyes following ripples of white turning into grey. My lip twitched up in a small smile because I remembered doing those same movements during the hours where I stood in boredom. Creating my own entertainment because my memories weren't fun to watch anymore.

"Let's see..." Xerses mumbled, seemingly to himself. "You enlisted when you were, when, eighteen?"

"Yup." I watched the space around me turn black before changing once again. Grass appeared under my shoes. Blades sprouting up alongside rocks and signs which read Join Today! Even the smell of the sharpie they'd used to write that sign appeared, too, and I took in the scent. A nostalgic poison.

"All right, all right." The world shifted into a sense of normalcy as Xerses spoke. Tents appeared in front of me. People did, too. There were tables with pamphlets, pens, and cups to take home. Men in army attire talked to the young boys and girls who flocked to sign up to save their country. There was laughter, small talk, and education; voices mixed like a song of my memories.

I smiled for real this time.

"I know you know the deal. Malfunctioners go through similar simulations, reliving their memories as though it were their present moment. We'd watch, observe, and catch the hiccups in missing data."

"Yup, I know," I said as I took a step toward an empty table. Signed documents had been left behind. A pen had fallen over, ink bleeding into the old mahogany wood. Reaching down to pick it up, blue stained the tip of my finger.

"Cool," Xerses said, and I could tell he nodded. "So, go on, Rog. Live a little."

I snorted, looking ahead. Live a little. I guess he was right. When I had originally arrived at this sign-up sight, I thought I was living. I'd lost my father and brother to the war. I was ready and willing to give up my life to ensure my mother could keep living hers.

And when I thought about it, I frowned. Because when I signed up, I signed the line on her death, too.

If only I knew then what I know now...

"Anything off?" Xerses asked.

With my hands in my pockets, I walked forward. I couldn't remember exactly where I was originally during this time in my life, but I know I walked around for a while, just as I did in that moment. I observed everyone, listened and paid attention. The tables you signed up on weren't just for the Army as a whole, but for a specific unit, too. I couldn't have just joined anyone's group. I needed to ensure I was accepted within an area that needed me most.

At eighteen, I wanted to be valued and accepted. Funny how that feeling never changed.

"Nothing's off," I said as I stopped at a table at the center of the event. There was a General seated in front of me, hands folded with seniority. He smiled at me when I glanced down at the paper. "Right now, this guy is going to ask if I'm ready to join."

"Oh?" Xerses sounded a bit confused.

But just as I called it, the General in front of me reached for a pen and handed it to me. "Ready to fight, boy? Strong enough for your country?"

I smiled at him and took the pen. I know, from memories, I had originally told the man, "Yes! Yes, I am!" But right here, to Xerses, I said, "Told you."

"Right, right," Xerses laughed in my ear. "Maybe I should move ahead some? Get closer towards the end of the war?"

"Sure." I straightened and placed the pen back down on the table. The General in front of me, however, didn't react to my movements; he wasn't supposed to. He was a memory loop, figments of data captured for my brain when I was alive. His only ability was to replay what I knew happened, saw happened, as soon as Xerses pressed play. Rather than continue as though I'd signed the paper, he looped backward for a moment, voice distorted like an old record.

Then the world was black again.

"You're going to make me dizzy," I said, chuckling. Yet serious.

"Sorry, Rog," Xerses said. "I'm trying to find the right spot. Tell me when to stop."

Xerses let the memory play on with advanced speed. It was as though he hit fast-forward on my life. I watched myself return home to my mother, grab her in my arms as she grabbed. And after, I was on a bus ready to join the sanction I'd agreed to fight with, reporting to the very same General who eagerly took my name for enrollment.

It was as though my life flashed before my eyes. I aged a bit, died a bit, fought a bit. I watched people come and go as they died in battle. I watched the scars form on my hands. Little by little, I felt the pain develop in my chest as my memories replayed the days I lost the youth left inside me. Before I knew it, the young, eager teenager Damian was gone. He was replaced by a harder, tougher, with no remorse older Damian; a man who wanted nothing more than to end the war.

Me. He was replaced with me.

"Stop here," I said as I noticed something odd. The memories had been played quickly, yes, but this time there was a difference. The memory wasn't as smooth. Areas around me were black, as though they were missing data. And some people, rather than be a physical person, were just outlines or silhouettes.

"What do you see?" Xerses as he stopped the memory loop. "Anything weird?"

"Oh, a lot of weird," I said, slowly spinning in a circle. "It's like... ever play a video game that glitches out?"

"Uh, sure?" Xerses seemed unsure. "Lag?"

"Sure." I wasn't sure if that was the word I wanted to say, but it fit. It was as though something was moving too fast or not fast at all. And I couldn't help but bite my lip.

"All right, so the memory-disconnect seems to happen here. That's fine." The memory played again as he spoke, "Can you walk through it, interact, and see if anything comes back to you?"

"Yeah, sure."

I was in Unit-8, the part of the army I called home. There were large tents placed around the grounds, too close together. Some bumped into the others beside them as the wind blew. Or if a bomb went off nearby and the ground trembled, the tents would clash, too.

This was the place I knew for so long. Just dirt, wind, bombs and gunfire. And I walked through it, looking around, hoping I could remember the memories I longed to forget. It seemed my wish had been granted, huh?

"Just keep walking around, let me know if I should stop or play," Xerses mumbled.

"I mean..." I did a slow turn, watching some black silhouettes regain structure and life. I could see faces, make out appearances, clothes. Voices hit my ears as they suddenly appeared, clear as day.

"X?"

"Yeah?" Xerses cleared his throat.

"Why don't you fiddle around with the data while I interact with it all. See if anything comes up on your end."

"What?" Xerses sounded shocked as I stepped around a group of soldiers talking about the last attack. "Roger, that's risky. You know, with a Malfunctioner, you can't do that. The possibility of corrupting data—"

"Well." Stopping between two closed tents, I chuckled and shook my head. "I'm not a Malfunctioner, so..."

Xerses went quiet for a moment. I counted the seconds, staring ahead as soldiers huddled together in close conversation.

"All right, Rog," Xerses chuckled after a while. "Touché."


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