Chapter 19: I Love You

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Henry rested his weight on his forearms and elbows, trying not to crush Mouse as she lay beneath him. He kissed her, loving the warmth of her, the damp, moist feel of her flesh where it touched him. 

"You're so beautiful," he said, smoothing her hair off her forehead, smiling at her.

She smiled, eyes bright, squeezing his body with her arms and legs.

"And I'm sorry that went so fast," he continued. "It's been a while, and it felt incredible. Like mind-blowing." He blinked at her. "You didn't come, did you?" He bent and kissed her again. "I'm sorry for that, too. Next time, okay? I won't be so selfish, I promise."

Mouse's heart leapt when she heard Henry say "next time," even though she hadn't really been worried about it being a one time thing. She was euphoric over what had happened. "I don't care, I really don't," she assured him. "I'm just happy."

Henry smiled back at her. "Me too," he said softly. "Me too, Mouse."

He rested on her a few moments longer, then took a deep breath, beginning to move. "Okay, here comes the messy part," he said. "Ready?"

Mouse nodded, and Henry pulled out of her, making a face as he felt the warm, wet, flaccid mess come away with him. He grabbed his underwear and held it underneath, trying to catch some of the drips, and handed Mouse her undies for similar purposes.

"Be right back," he said as he walked quickly to the bathroom.

He flipped on the light and pulled the condom off, wrapping it in toilet paper before tossing it in the trash. He looked closely at what he was holding, thinking it looked funny. It was pink.

Blood.

Henry swallowed, thinking, as he went to the bathroom and cleaned up. He flushed, pulled his underwear on, turned the light off and returned to where Mouse lay in the bed as before, only wearing her shirt again.

"I just checked on Leo, he's still sleeping," Mouse informed him. She smiled, a smile that glowed so brightly it was almost its own light source.

Henry nodded, pulled his pajama bottoms on, and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked down at Mouse, eyes serious.

"What?" she asked, her smile slipping a little. "Henry, what's wrong?"

"When did you last have a period?" he asked.

"What?" Mouse shrugged. "I don't know, I finished last week? Why?" She was struck by a thought. "Did the condom break? Oh my god, Henry, did the condom break?" She sat up and reached out a hand, laying it on his arm.

"No, nothing like that," Henry assured her. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

He sighed, and looked down, and all around the room before his eyes landed on her again. Mouse could see sorrow, anxiety, worry, but most of all she saw regret. Seeing that broke her heart a little.

"Henry, what's wrong?" she asked, ducking away from his hand. "You're scaring me."

He took a deep breath.

"Mouse, was tonight your first time?"

Now it was Mouse's turn to swallow and look away. She put her hands in her lap, where they twisted together uncomfortably. 

"Why are you asking me that?" she finally asked. "I mean, what brought that up? Was it bad? Did it seem like my first time?" She shook her head. "Shit, I knew it was going to be bad, I knew I should've--"

"No, it wasn't bad," Henry interrupted, laughing in spite of the circumstances. "I told you, it was so amazing I couldn't control myself. I haven't come so hard or so fast since I was a teenager, I think." He reached out to touch her hair again, and this time she allowed it, even closing her eyes as she felt his hand on her.

"Then what?" She looked at him. "Why do you want to know?"

Henry put his hand down and sighed again. "Okay. I guess your non-response is all the answer I need." He huffed out a huge breath. "Why, Mouse? Why didn't you tell me?" He looked at her, his eyes one gigantic question.

"Would you have done anything differently?" she countered.

"Well, of course," he replied, shocked. "So many things, my god."

"Then I'm glad I didn't," Mouse answered. "Because it was perfect."

"Oh, please," Henry replied. "It must have hurt, there must have been pain--"

"There's going to be pain no matter what," Mouse replied matter-of-factly. "There's no way to avoid that, is there? So what would be the point of your knowing?"

"You should've told me," Henry said. "That's the point. I had a right to know. I never would've--" He stopped.

"You never would've what?" Mouse pressed. "You never would've what? You never would've done it? Because that's what I was worried about." She swallowed, gathering the sheets into her lap. "Do you know how often you made jokes about feeling like a skeevy, lecherous uncle or whatever? About feeling like a child molester?" She looked up at Henry. "It took so long, it was so hard to get you to see me as an adult woman in the first place, you know?"

A tear spilled over and ran down her cheek. She didn't bother to wipe it away, and Henry finally reached out, swiping gently at it with his thumb.

"What would you have done if I'd told you I was a virgin?" she asked.

"I would've run for the hills," he admitted.

"It's not my fault, Henry," Mouse said. "It's not my fault that you were born fourteen years before me, or that you had another wife, and that you already have a child, a wonderful child." She reached out and grasped his hand. "I can't help it that I'm only a senior in college, and that I still have a year left of school, while you already own your own company and are a bazillionaire or whatever. 

"We could wait ten years, and I'll still be fourteen years younger than you," Mouse continued. "We can wait forever, and our age difference will never go away, you know?"

"How could you be a virgin, though?" Henry's brain kept going back to what, for him, was the huge, insurmountable issue. "You had a boyfriend."

Mouse laughed, though there was no mirth in it. "Why do you think we broke up?" she asked.

"What? He broke up with you because you wouldn't sleep with him?" Henry was equal parts horrified and disgusted.

Mouse shook her head. "No, Travis is the nicest person. He was fine with waiting. I felt bad making him hang around, because I knew I'd never have sex with him. I believe 'set him free' is the correct phrase for what happened. I broke up with him so he could go find someone who could give him a full, complete relationship, a physical one as well as an emotional one."

"Why didn't you sleep with him?" Henry asked.

Mouse shrugged. "I didn't want to," she said simply. "I never felt desire for him? I guess I read too many romance novels or something, I don't know. I wanted it to be important when I finally did it, I wanted it to mean something, not like shaking hands, you know?" She looked at Henry. "I wanted to love the person."

Henry looked away.

"So how did you know?" Mouse asked again, going back to her original question.

"A couple of things," Henry answered. "There was some, um, blood. And when we were, uh, you know, it was a very tight fit? Like crazy tight. I didn't see how it couldn't be painful for you, you know?"

Mouse nodded. "It hurt, right at the beginning, when I bit you, but only then. It felt nice near the end." She smiled a little.

Henry saw her smile, and he shook his head. "God, I feel like such a dirty old man."

"No, please, don't do that, don't say that!" Mouse begged. 

"I can't help it!" Henry said angrily, hitting the bed in frustration, making Mouse jump. "You're a child, you're so young, and I feel like, with what we just did here, I've destroyed something, the very thing I treasured about you, do you understand?"

"So I was right to try to hide it," Mouse said sadly.

"I never would've touched you if I'd known it was your first time," Henry finished, his voice soft.

Mouse began to cry at his words. "Don't say that, please don't say that," she begged. "What was I supposed to do, go lose my virginity first to Oskar, then come find you?" Her voice rose with frustration as her crying intensified. "I knew this would happen, I knew it! This was why I tried to hide it, why I didn't tell you..."

"It was so wrong, Mouse, it was a mistake," he continued, reaching out for her.

Mouse was shaking her head. "No, don't say that, it was wonderful, how can you say that?" She moved away from his arms.

"I love you, Henry," she said, continuing to cry.

"No you don't," he answered, his voice soft with sympathy. "You think you do, because you're so young, you don't know any better. To you, sex is all poetry and phrases, but love isn't like that, real life isn't like that--"

"That's so unfair," Mouse answered in a low voice. "Didn't I make love just now like a grown woman? Didn't I prove to you, right here, that I'm an adult?" 

She looked at Henry with streaming eyes, and he could feel his heart twisting and breaking into a million little pieces. Her eyes were killing him.

What had he done?

"Oh, Mouse, I'm so sorry," he said.

"Daddy? What's wrong with Mouse? Why's she crying?"

They both jumped and turned. 

Leo stood in the open doorway that led to the terrace. He was rubbing his eyes, his hair in a fluffy mess.

"I woke up and no one was there," he explained.

"I didn't feel good," Mouse explained. "I thought I might wake you up, so your daddy let me get in his bed for a while so he could help me." She smiled as she wiped her eyes. "I'm better now, though, so I'm going to go back to my bed, okay?"

Leo nodded, still rubbing his eyes. He was still wearing his Legolas pajama top, but had shucked the bottoms while he slept, as he usually did. He was wearing tiny underpants that had 101 Dalmatians on them. He held out his hand for her and waited.

Mouse flipped back the sheets and got out of bed, ignoring Henry's hand, which was extended to help her. After she got out, Henry could see a little blood on the sheets where she'd been lying. He swallowed and resolutely looked away, back at his small son.

And he noticed as Mouse crossed the room that she was limping, walking as though she were in pain. 

Oh god, what had he done?

At the door, Mouse grasped Leo's hand and called out, "Good night Henry," in a sunny voice.

"Good night, daddy," Leo echoed.

"Mouse?" Leo asked when they got to their room. "Can I sleep with you?" His voice was blurry with sleep.

"Sure, big guy," she replied. "Go ahead and get into my bed, okay? I have to go to the bathroom first."

She went in and turned on the light. She saw her tearful face in the mirror and splashed cold water on it. She cleaned herself up, wiping herself with a warm cloth, enjoying the soothing feel. She finally grabbed clean undies from the drawer and got in bed, where Leo's presence helped keep her tears at bay for the rest of the night, though she didn't sleep much.

She cuddled his small body to hers, thinking of how she'd done something similar a few hours earlier with his father. She wondered if he was having a better time sleeping.

The answer was no.

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