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Chapter 33

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RECAP :

I nodded, knowing that if I spoke I would probably start crying.

I took my seat opposite Marissa who was smiling and chatting to her mum, trying to compensate for my watery eyed smile and complete silence.

All I could do was shove the sticky, syrupy pancakes into my mouth and try not to cry.

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I plunged my spoon into the partially melted tub of cookie dough ice cream that I had balanced on my crossed legs, trying to make sure none of it dripped onto Marissa’s bright white bed sheets and duvet. The cookie dough felt granularly against my mouth and the vanilla ice cream felt too cold on the roof of my mouth as I swallowed.

“ Do you think I made a mistake? I should have listened shouldn’t I?” I asked, after I finished re-telling her the whole of last night’s disaster. I sank back against the wooden headboard of Marissa’s bed as she watched me from end of the bed.

I felt my eyes well up slightly and my throat started to feel tight as I remembered Ari’s face when I told him ‘I wish I hadn’t’.

He had looked like I’d stabbed him, his eyes had been wide in shock and I couldn’t remember him ever looking so hurt.

Not when he broke his wrist when he was twelve.

Not even when he got his first leading role and he told me how upset he was that his father wouldn’t ever see what he’d done. He had looked so lost that night, almost as if he was realising again how his fathers death when he was so little had meant he was going to miss out on being there for lots of the big moments his life. Just thinking of his face that night made me tear up, but the thought of his face last night; my whole chest hurt. It was like someone was placing pressure on my ribcage, squeezing my lungs as my throat felt thick.

I felt my eyes blurr with tears and I wiped my eyes with the borrowed grey hoodie jumper that Marissa leant me. It was already damp.

I hated that I had made him look that way, that I had hurt Ari – made him feel even remotely upset. I couldn’t believe I had said that. I knew I was lying when I said it, as the words left my mouth, but it just ran out from me.

“ I don’t know.” Marissa said softly.

“ My phone buzzed for the second time that hour. We both sat there and watched my phone on the bedside table. New message. I could see Ari’s number come up on the front.

“ I should have listened to him shouldn’t I? I just …” I sighed, “ I don’t know, Taylor Cutter was standing there with those pictures of them.. and they-..” I took in a deep raghed breath and pointed to the copy of the magazine that Marissa had lying on the bed across from us. She’d flicked through it earlier to see what the article looked like. She’d been silent, which I knew meant she had been really pissed.

When Marissa is actually angry, she goes silent.

“ They looked so… coupley. I felt like I was the last person who was in on the joke? You know?” I wiped my nose with a tissue.

Marissa nodded , “ Yeah, I think anyone would feel blindsided by that stinking pile of crap” she said – picking the magazine up by the tips of her fingers like it was infectedand scrunching her face up like she was an old disapproving woman who smelt something bad.

I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at her face as she flung the magazine further down the bed like she was chucking away trash.

“ I just felt humiliated, I guess. It was like one of those horrible nightmares you have when you’re standing naked in the middle of a classroom or you realise you have toilet paper on your shoes! Only swap that out for being doused in wine, Taylor cutter telling you that the guy”- I sighed, “ The guy who’s your best friend and you – you happen to be in love with has made you the other woman” I sniffed, and wiped away a tear I didn’t realise was rolling down my cheek,“ of course, then add a whole load of famous celebrities watching the rug get pulled out from under you.”

“ I felt…” I trailed off.

shocked

Angry

Hurt

Humiliated

Stupid

And completely and utterly betrayed by one of the only people I really, truly trust.

Marissa moved up on the bed and gave me a hug, “ You didn’t expect it.”

I sighed and hugged her back, feeling another sob tighten my chest and my face felt tight with crying, I croaked “ Nope. I didn’t expect it from him at all.”

We stayed there for another few minutes, her hugging me. And then we sat back against the headboard under the covers and ate more ice cream, turning on the TV to an old re- run of friends. It was one of the really old ones where Phoebe still sings at the Café. I barely even watched it.

Marissa didn’t once tell me to stop crying or even push me to talk about it over and over again. She just listened and kept providing a steady supply if Kleenex each time I turned one into a small snowball from wiping my face or blowing my nose.

I was suddenly struck by what an amazing best friend she was and that I was so glad that we were both going to be in New York together next year. I winced as a memory of Ari’s face right before I left flashed in my mind.

His words ran through my mind, “ Ella I love you. Nothing between us has ever been an act! How could you think that?”

They had seemed sincere. In my mind they felt sincere.

Damn. My head was swirling. It had been all day. I wanted to see Ari but at the same time the thought of seeing him made my stomach twist and my chest tighten.

Was he telling the truth?

If there weren’t those pictures, and if Taylor Cutters smug, pitying face wasn’t flashing across my mind I would have picked up my mobile without hesitation and rung Ari to tell him I thought he was.

I wanted to trust him. My hand itched to reach over to the phone which had been blinking with missed calls and messages all day, to apologise for being so hurtful, to hear him out. Something. To tell him that I didn’t mean half of what I said – that I was embarrassed, upset, furious, and just plain confused about whom to believe. I had felt two inches tall in Chase’s living room as Taylor stood there and announced I was a whore in front of the whole party, which made me want to run away, so I lashed out. At the one person who I felt had hurt me the most – him.

But for the first time in my life, I doubted Ari.

And this wasn’t about him pretending to have put salt in the popcorn instead of sweet.

This was my heart.

I sighed and watched the episode of friends play on in front of me, blurred slightly by my teary eyes. One sentence kept replaying in my mind, over and over and over.

“ Ella I love you. Nothing between us has ever been an act! How could you think that?”

I felt my chest tighten and I blinked, exhaling loudly and I saw Marissa’s eyes subtly check I wasn’t having a meltdown before she went back to watching the tv.

“ I love him. I think he was telling the truth, I need him to be, M.” I whispered, staring straight ahead at the TV, at the cast of friends moving about in one of the flats.

“ I know.”Marissa said softly, still watching the Tv.

“ Do you think I just want him to be telling the truth so bad, that I love him so much, that I’m being stupid?” I asked, not really sure what I wanted her to say.

I wanted Marissa’s unflinching honesty.

“ I think that you love Ari , and he’s loved you for years. I don’t know if he was telling the truth or not, only you can figure that out.” she said, then turned to face me and I could see her indecision to say what she wanted to. Then she nodded and continued,

“ For what it’s worth, it doesn’t seem like something he would do – going out with a bat crazy uber bitch like Taylor. It’s just not like him.And I think whatever happened between them, Ari would have never wanted to purposefully hurt you or lie to you. So , I guess I think you should figure out if you believe him and then , if you think he is , you have to decide whether you can forgive him for lying about his agent’s plans” she said slowly.

We sat in silence for a while, and I swallowed another bite of ice cream, letting the iciness of it burn my mouth. “ I think he was telling the truth.” I said, leaning my head against her headboard and staring at the white ceiling.

“Yeah, I think so too.” Marissa said, leaning her head back against her headboard too.

A few beats of silence passed between us before Marissa spoke again, “ Do you forgive him? For not telling you?”

I closed my eyes, “ Maybe. I think so” – I sighed, “ It’s Ari, so , yeah.”

I took a deep breath, feeling my eyes well up at the thought of how completely stupid I’d been. I never let him explain. I didn’t listen properly.

“ Crap, I’ve been really screwed everything up haven’t I? ” I asked and I felt Marissa pull me into a hug.

“ No, you’ll figure it out. It’s you and Ari. Your like goddamn peanut butter and Jelly.”

I chuckled into the hug, “ what totally clichéd?”

Marissa laughed, “ Nope, you just always seem to get mixed up together in the bread of life.”

I sniffed, laughing hard. “ Jesus where do you get these deep revelations, M?”I asked, wiping my tears of laughter with my jumper sleeve.

We were still chuckling when there was a soft knock on the door.

“ Hello? Girls? Isabel , It’s me honey.” I heard my mum’s voice outside the door, “ I have some clothes for you from home”

I pulled out of the hug and Marissa grinned, “ I’ll go downstairs and let you guys talk”

I nodded and turned to the door as my mum came in, holding a small black rucksack and scanning my face worriedly. Marissa nodded at my mum as she left the room, my mum smiled at her “ Thanks Marissa” , before she closed the door , put the small black rucksack down and sat down on the edge of the bed facing me.

“ Hey sweetie. Are you ok?” she asked and I felt my throat get thick at how concerned she seemed.

“ Yeah, it was just. I had an argument with Ari… it just got a bit out of hand..”

“ I know. Marissa rang us last night, she said a girl poured wine over you?! A Taylor girl – one of those singers on MTV?” my mum asked, stoking a stray wisp of hair back from my face. She looked pretty pissed when she talked about Taylor.

I couldn’t help but smile a little at my mum’s obvious lack of knowledge of who Taylor Cutter was. The parental generation gap.

“ Her name is Taylor Cutter and she’s one of the biggest singers since Britney spears mania in the nineties” I explained.

“ Oh. Ok, but why would she want to do that to you?” she asked, looking more than a little confused, “ Do you even know this girl?”

I shook my head, “ No, uh well, she claims that she’s Ari’s girlfriend, and when she saw Ari and I at the party she sort of went crazy and was accusing Ari of cheating on her with me… so she called me a whore, plus a whole lot of other things and poured wine over me..” I trailed off, sniffing slightly.

“ But why would she think Ari and you were together? What was Ari during throughout all this?”

I thought back on what Ari did that night, standing in front of me protectively like a human shield, trying to wipe the wine off my face, and finally when he shouted at Taylor in my defence.

“ Defending me.” I said softly. I took a deep breath and exhaled, speaking quickly as I explained “ The reason that she thought that Ari and I were together is because we were, I mean we went to the party together as a couple- or at least it was a sort of second date for us.” I stared at my fingers, twisting in my lap.

“ A date?When did this first start up, young lady?” my mum asked, and I looked up to see her looking slightly shocked but almost amusedly happy.

“ Uh, when he got back from filming, I guess we got uh.. Things seemed different when we saw each other again” I trailed off , not really sure what to say as images of Ari kissing me flashed though my mind… our first kiss on my bed, soft , a whisper of a touch of our lips. The way he kissed me at the party, possessively and without restraint, pressing me against him and the wall. I blinked shaking the memories from my head.

“ Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. I guess, I knew this would probably happen at some point.”

I looked up, shocked, “ What?! You’re not even pissed? You expected it?”

She shrugged, smiling slightly and looking a little embarrassed “ I reckoned you’d realise how you both felt after college when you were older and eventually get together” she sighed, “ But I guess your dad was right, he’s been saying for years that you’ll be sneaking around behind our backs before we know it.”

I felt myself blush. They talked about it? About Ari and I?

“ We weren’t really sneaking” I protested

“ At least, tell me you were safe” she cautioned.

I felt a blush rise on my cheeks and I put my hands over my cheeks “ Mum! Jeez! He only got back a few days ago! We hadn’t done anything that far” I sighed, “ And with the fight we had last night, I don’t think were together, Ari’s probably not speaking to me.”

“ The missed calls that are on your mobile beg to differ young lady” she said, looking pointedly at my mobile on the bedside table. “ Now, tell me everything about last night from the start” she ordered softly.

So I told her everything, leaving out the parts where Ari and I told each other we loved one another and kissed. The kissing parts were definitely skipped over or severely toned down.

When I was finished she gave me a huge bear hug.

“ I know you’re probably mad that I spoke to Ari like that” I whispered. My mum is Ari’s godmother, practically his aunt. I know she pretty much thinks of him as an extended part of our family or something.

“ Oh sweetie! You were upset and hurt. You were in a difficult, humiliating situation – which could have been avoided if he had just been upfront with you about what had been going on in his work. To be honest, if what this Taylor girl said is true that I’m going to give that boy a smack over the head for hurting you, and even if it isn’t, I think he should have told you about what was happening in his work.” She took a breath after her rant, “ And I definitely would like to talk to this Taylor girl’s mum about her behaviour”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the image of my mum talking to someone like Taylor Cutters mum.“ So your not mad at me?”

She shook her head and enveloped me in a big hug, “ Sweetie, you’re my daughter, I’m never gonna stick up for anyone but you. You hear me? Ari is a great kid, but to your father and I your well being will always be first. You know that, right honey?” she asked, holding my face in her hands and looking me dead in the eye.

“ Yeah.” I croaked and blew my nose on a tissue.

“ Do you believe him? That the pictures were just a PR stunt?” my mum asked finally

I sighed, “ At the time I didn’t, but I think I do now. I’m just not sure what to do… how could I ever talk to him after I said all that stuff? We’ve never had a fight like this before…” I murmured, my chest tightening in panic as I thought of not seeing Ari ever again.

“ Isabel, he’s been calling and messaging you all last night and today, so I don’t think you have a problem with him not wanting to talk to you. And you’ve never had a fight like this because you weren’t going out then, you were just friends and you didn’t have romantic feelings all tangled up in your relationship. You two will sort this out, when you ready to talk to him you’ll know what to say, honey.” She smiled, tucking a strand of unruly hair behind my ear.

“I have this little part of me that’s angry that he didn’t warn me about everything… but mostly I don’t know how to take all that stuff back that I said…” I complained.

“ Well that’s because you can’t. Just like he can’t take back how wrong he was to not tell you about this screwed up PR relationship mess he’d gotten himself into. Maybe all you have to do is listen to him and say sorry. It will all work itself out, I promise.”

I felt lighter after discussing it with my mum, “ Ok, do you think I should ring him now?” I asked, looking at my phone.

“ No, I think you should have a shower, get dressed properly in the some of the changes of clothes I’ve brought you and then you should think about it.” She grinned, “ Your hair is looking like a birds nest sweetie”

I nodded, getting out of bed and walking over to Marissa’s ensuite bathroom. I paused by the doorway and turned to see my mum remaking the bed and un packing some of the stuff on it “ Thanks mum”. She smiled and nodded towards the bathroom.

After I’d showered and dressed in a jean skirt, white tank top and pair of flip flop sandals that my mum brought, then I went downstairs to find my parent’s chatting to Marissa’s mum in the kitchen. Marissa was perched on a counter drinking coffee. They all smiled when I walked in.

My dad walked over and gave me a big hug, “ You ok sweetie?” he asked into my hair.

I nodded, “ Uhuh.”

“ I could kill that little shit for pouring wine on you.” He said softly, though I could here the edge in his voice, “ I could also do some serious damage to Ari.”

“ He didn’t mean to hurt me.” I said as I hugged him. “ But I guess you were right”

He let me out of the hug, looking down at me with a frown, “ I really didn’t want to be right. But you’re a tough cookie and you’ll be fine.” He said with an assurance I didn’t feel.

If Ari and I didn’t makeup than I wouldn’t be fine.

After that my parents stayed over for dinner at Marissa’s and we all ate. I was starting to feel better, though I couldn’t bring myself to ring Ari. I wanted to hear his voice but every time I did, my had started to shake and my mind went blank.

It was like this haze of indecision came over me. I knew I believed him, I just didn’t know what to say and my mind would flash with all the horrible things I said, the way he looked as I left, the image of him telling me he loved me on the dance floor. I saw the smile on his face when I saw him in my garden after he came back, standing waiting for me with open arms as I ran to hug him. He was my best friend, and I was completely in love with him.

So much that it hurt.

It made me feel nauseous that our friendship could be damaged by what we’d done, by what I’d hurled at him and what he didn’t tell me. I wanted to apologise but I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what he would say.

I was being a stupid scaredy cat and I knew it.

I kept getting these horrible thoughts like; what if he didn’t want to be with me anymore? What if he just wanted to be friends?

So I didn’t call Ari that night.

Even though I wanted to.

I listened to my parents chat over dinner; they told me that our place had a few paparazzi around it so Marissa’s parents and mine had decided it was best that I stayed at hers, I hugged them both goodbye when they left that evening, and I tried to concentrate on hanging out with Marissa rather than the urge to call Ari.

Somewhere in-between the endless sitcom reruns Marrissa and I