IT'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON and Margot decided we'd have a barbecue. It was quite spontaneous, which leads me to believe she's just trying to keep herself busy. I haven't experienced it personally, but I'm sure divorce is tiring. James is on the grill with Mrs Ash, Neki and Bela are in the pool playing whirlwind with Jackson, and I'm sitting on the edge, occasionally getting splashed when the whirlwind gets too close.

I turn around, looking at Parker. He's on a sun lounger, his arm draped over his eyes, his chest rising and falling. His bad leg is propped up on the lounger, the other dangling off the chair and resting on the floor. His shorts are low, revealing enough to make me blush. God, he looks good.

Pulling my legs out of the water, I stand up, walking over to him and perching myself in the little space there is. He shifts a little, lifting his arm just enough so I can see his eyes. And then he smiles, wide.

"Hey." I smile back, resting my hand on his thigh.

He glances down and I stop, laughing sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Hey." he mumbles, his voice a little sleepy.

He moves up a little patting the slither of space beside him. I move up nonetheless, laying next to him. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me in so I don't fall, and I rest my hand on his chest.

"I've been thinking about you all day." his thumb strokes my hip and I roll my eyes.

"You've been sleeping for eighty percent of it."

I feel him look down at. "Miss me?"

I laugh a little, shaking my head. His heart is beating, quick but steady and I close my eyes, listening to the rhythm.

"I like being close to you. You're warm." I breathe, tracing my fingers over his chest.

I feel his chest rise, the rhythm of his heart speeding up the tiniest. Or I could be imagining it.

"God, Elena." he sighs. "You don't know what you're doing to me."

My heart overlaps the pace of his, beating at 100mph. His words bounce around in my head as I attempt to figure out what they mean.

I must be silent for too long, because I feel him look down at me again.

"I like this on you." he pulls back the strap of my bikini top, making it flick against my skin.

It's dark green, one that I've had for a while. I don't look up to avoid him seeing the flush of my cheeks.

Jackson giggles as Bela throws him over to Neki, who catches him before he goes under. James has his back to us as he dishes up the burgers and corn from the grill, placing them on the table. Margot is behind the table, adding salad and such to each of the plates. She must feel my eyes on her, because she glances up. Her eyes catch mine and she grins, a wide smile that I'm familiar with from Jack and Parker.

"Your moms watching us." I laugh quietly into Parker's chest.

He sighs, and I can tell he's shaking his head.

"Foods ready!" James calls back to us.

A little reluctantly, I get up, already missing the warmth of Parker. I pull on my denim shorts, leaving them unbuttoned. The water sloshes as everyone gets out the pool and we all meet at the table. It's fun. The most fun I've had in a while. We laugh, we talk, we laugh some more. This is a day I'd like to replay for the rest of my life.

The doorbell rings and it echoes through the house. I make to get up, but Margot gets up before me.

"I'll get it." she mumbles, disappearing in through the back doors.

"I have a joke." Jackson looks up from the packet of the snack he just ate.

We all stop talking, preparing to listen.

"How does the moon cut his hair?"

He looks at us all expectantly.

"I have no idea." I lean on my hands, amused.

"I didn't know the moon had hair." Neki says under his breath, and Bela giggles.

"Eclipse it." Jack finishes.

For a few moments, we're silent. And then I burst in to laughter. I'm laughing so hard my ribs hurt. I can hear everyone else laughing too, probably at me, but I'm laughing so hard that I can't even open my eyes.

"Did I miss the joke?"

My laughter stops and my eyes snap open at the voice. What the...

My father is stood beside Margot, who is looking slightly guilty, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. My stomach sinks, every inch of happiness I was feeling with it.

"I hope you don't mind." Margot says to all of us, but her eyes are on me. "I thought it would be nice.

I do mind. I don't want him here. This is my happy place. I had no intention of 'spending time' with my father before he left again tomorrow, just like he hasn't had time to hang out with me in the past 3 years that he's failed to come home for Christmas.

My eyes fall to my hands that are rested in my lap. I do mind, but I'd never tell her that in her own home.

My dad places the flowers on the table in front of me, mumbling something about how he got back too late to get them on Tuesday. I don't look up, simply nodding.

He sits at the table across, at the end beside Margot. I can feel Bela's eyes on me, in no doubt full of concern, but I can't bare to look up. The chatter continues as it was, a bit quieter, a little less full of happiness.

Parker's hand finds my thigh beneath the table, stroking with his thumb. Usually, this would make me flustered and hot, but I feel numb, like I'm about to throw up in my mouth.

"I have another joke." Jackson says about 10 minutes later.

I glance up, willing to engage in the conversation if it involves one of Jack's jokes.

He clears his throat. "What do you call a poor Santa?"

We all sit quietly, waiting.

"St Nickel-less."

For a moment, there's silence.

I slap my hand over my mouth, my shoulders shaking. Everyone else laughs politely, and I snort, covering my face with both hands to stifle my laughter.

"El?" I hear Isabela's voice, but I can't stop laughing. "El are you okay?"

I nod, even though I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. I gasp for air in between my laughter and I feel a hand on my back.

"Elena?" I hear Parker's voice next.

I can't breathe. I gasp again, but it feels like my lungs won't fill. Not a drop of air. In the midst of my laughter, I begin to panic. My chest hurts. My ribs. No air.

My hands become wet and I wipe my cheeks, looking down at them. My eyes are watering. Am I crying?

A chair scrapes to my left and I feel hands on my shoulders.

"Come on El, I've got you." Bel says softly, helping me to stand up.

She guides me inside and to the kitchen island, sitting me down.

"Tell me three things you can see El." she says as she moves across the kitchen, pulling out a glass.

I look around.

"The door." I breathe.

"Good..." she says slowly.

"You." I say, scanning my eyes again.

"One more."

"The sink." I let out a breath.

"Okay. Hear?" she moves over to the fridge, filling the glass with water.

"Your voice," I close my eyes. "The radio, and the fridge."

"Move three of your body parts for me."

I outstretch my arm, twisting my ankle in a circle and stretching my leg. I feel my heart rate begin to neutralise, my thoughts become centred as my mind slows down.

Pushing my hands in to my hair, I groan as Bela places the glass of water in front of me.

"I can't believe I just had a panic attack." I pick up the water. "In front of everyone."

Bel shrugs, smiling softly. "Shit happens."

The water is refreshing, and I gulp it down in 7 seconds flat.

"Thank you, Bel." I hold out my arms, managing a weak smile.

My best friend smiles back at me, pulling me in to an embrace and planting a kiss on the top of my head, squeezing a little.

The movement by the back door causes me to turn my attention, and I notice my dad leant against it, watching us. He smiles sadly when I meet his eyes.

Bela notices my body stiffen, following my gaze and sighing.

"Isabela." my father nods briefly.

"Mr Kinsley." Bel returns his greeting with a little hostility. She doesn't like him very much. I don't blame her.

She turns back to me. "I can stay if you want." she says quietly.

"It's okay." I smile.

I'd love for her to stay, but I'm sure it would be more than awkward.

Her and my dad cross paths and I see her eye him, but he pretends he doesn't notice as he walks over to me. He places himself on a stool across the island, shifting slightly.

"Your mom used to have panic attacks too." he says.

I don't really feel like talking about Mom right now. I stare at my hands that are rested on the cold marble of the island.

"How long have you been having them?"

I shrug. "Six years."

I watch as my dad does the math in his head, his face crumpling.

"I'm so sorry Elena." he whispers.

I swallow back the lump in my throat, pressing my lips together.

"I've been a horrible father. I abandoned you when you needed me the most, and I didn't even realise it would affect you. I'm so sorry. I should've never left you alone, I just couldn't bare to wake up in that house every day and..."

"You could've taken me with you." I whisper, my cheeks wet with tears.

"I know, Lena, and I'm so so sorry. It's my biggest regret." he gets down now, walking around the island.

I shake my head, my face crumpling. "Sorry isn't good enough, Dad."

He closes his eyes, nodding slowly.

"If you want me to leave, I'll leave."

My heart aches as I take a deep breath in, my whole body aches. My head. I open my eyes, sitting up straight.

"You don't have to. But I just... I can't be around you and act normal, Dad. As if you never left. So, I'm going upstairs." I nod.

I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I can't physically bring myself to feel

He shakes his head. "No, I'll leave. I didn't mean to ruin your day. I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk."

I nod again as he steps closer to me. His smell is so foreign that it hurts. He feels like a stranger.

My dad leans forward, kissing my forehead and ruffling my hair like he always did when I was a kid.

"I'm glad you're happy here, kid." he smiles sadly.

I nod.

"See you around, Laney."

I feel my eyes begin to well up again. "Bye Dad."