For a week I watch josh and the kids together laughing and playing
I stood back feeling like a outsider even Breanna was being more apart of the family than me
True to his word the kids as yet to notice that we are not together even though I want us to be together not for the lock of trying and my part
I even been to see his mum to talk to her about the way I fuck up
She was very disappointed in me but after a long talk and a lot of crying on my part she for gave me and told me not to give up because josh love me and he is just hurting right now so that's why I'm standing here watching my husband and kids and best friend play twister
N- mum come join us
I look over to josh to see if it was ok for me to join in and he nodded his head so I walk over to them
JJ- it's so much fun mummy
Liam- yes mummy
L- whose go is it
N- yours mummy
J- kids I'm going to go to my office to finish some work
N- but dad
J- sorry baby another time but carry on playing with your mum
JJ- ok mummy you go
B- right hand red left foot blue
I watch as josh walk off to his office even when he went inside I was still looking
B- Lola
L- sorry what
B- go I'll stay with the kids
L- thanks
With that said I make my way to his office to find in laying on the sofa with his eyes close
J- I'm sorry Breanna I know I shouldn't have walk away like that but I can't bear to look at her much less to be in the same room as her I don't know how much more longer I can stay here like this I'm starting to really hate that woman
L- you should leave then
J- shit Lola I thought you were Breanna
L- I can see that
J- I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that
L- no it's good that you let me no how you're feeling and like you said before we start hating each other I think it's best one of us move out
J- but what about the kids
L- they will be ok we will talk to them together
J- are you sure you wanna do this
L- it's for the best josh we can't keep walking around here like we are ok when we are not and if we carry on like this they are going to get hurt in the long run
J- yeah you are right so when do you wanna tell them
L- as soon as I find somewhere for us to live
J- no I'll move out I can stay with my parents until I find something
L- ok
J- so we will talk to them tomorrow after  school
L- ok good night josh
J- good night Lola
I start to make my way out of his office I didn't want him are the kids see me crying so I'll just wait until I'm in my room
J- wait Lola
L- yes
J- why did you come in here
L- it's not important
And I walk out his office and make my way to the game room
L- come on kids time for bed you have school in the morning
Kids- ok mummy good night auntie Bre
B- good night kids
With that all 3 kid run out the game room
B- Lola are you ok
L- yes I'm ok
B- no you are not talk to me
L- I'm sorry Bre but I can't if I do I won't stop crying and I have to put my kids to bed and then get ready for bed myself
B- where is josh
L- in his office
B- ok Lola good night but if you need someone to talk to I'm here
L- thank u and good night

I manage to get the kids into bed without breaking down and had a shower now I'm in bed crying my eyes out thinking about how my kids are going to take it tomorrow when I tell them that josh and I are getting a divorce.

This isn't fair I know I fuck up and have regret it more than anything thing in my life I can't not even think why I did it it's not like I fell in love with Paolo because I didn't I love josh and he makes me really happy and for him not to be able to forgive me even after I forgave him he cheated on me for years I only cheated on him for a few months
I didn't do it for pay back I just got caught up in the moment a younger man wanted me and it just make me feel young again
But if he can't forgive me theirs nothing I can do