I remember hearing a quote from Iyanla Vanzant one of the nights where Ev and I just lay in her bed whilst she reads me parts of her favorite books. At first, I didn't understand the full extent of what it meant for me until this very moment.

Until you release the wounds of your past, you're going to bleed. Vanzant wrote. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex. But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open your wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them. Standing on the front porch in the house of the man I once called dad, I understood why I needed to make peace with the demons of my past.

I've been staring at the white wooden door for the past ten minutes, debating on whether I should ring the doorbell or not. Ev was standing next to me, patiently waiting for me to build up the courage to do so. She squeezed my hand to give me a little reassurance that she was here, that I had her to lean on and that I wasn't alone. "I'm right here, you don't have to face this alone anymore."

I smile at her and I turn my gaze back to the door. Taking a deep breath, I built up the courage to ring the small golden doorbell. It took a few minutes and the voice of a woman who shouted "coming!" before the front door opened. She was surprised to see Ev and me on the other side of the door and I believe it was because she probably had no idea who we were. "Hi, how can I help you?"

"Hey," I offer her a smile. "I'm Connery and this is my girlfriend Everest. I'm here to see Scott. "

"I didn't know he was expecting any visitors today, but you can come in." She smiles as she leads us inside to the living room. "He's outside with our daughter Malia. I'll let him know you're here."

Before she walked away I stopped her. "You can tell him that his son is here to see him."

She turned around to meet my gaze and she looked like she had seen a ghost. Out of all the people that could've rung that doorbell, I bet I was the last person she was expecting to do so. And I don't blame her. If Scott had the decency, to be honest with her, he would've told her how I slammed the door shut in his face and wanted nothing to do with him.

"Pardon my ignorance Connery, I didn't recognize you. You would think I would remember you from all of the pictures Scott has of you around the house."Pictures? Of me? "He'll be so happy to hear that you're here to see him. I'll be right back."

I nod and as I waited for her to come back I looked around the living room I spotted a very familiar picture. Walking over to the small table that sat below the TV, I picked up the picture frame that had a picture of Emma and me with Scott. I remember that day, how could I forget? We were happy. It was the last fishing trip we took to the lake before the bottle became Scott's best friend.

flashback

"Honey!" My mom shouts from the front porch of our house. "Are you sure you have everything? For some reason, you always seem to forget something."

My dad chuckles and shouts back from the truck. "I double-checked with Connery and Emma. I'm pretty confident that we have everything we need. We'll be back for dinner around five."

Mom smiles. "All right, if you say so, honey. What would you like for dinner?"

"Baby back ribs with your delicious mashed potatoes!" Emma shouts from the back seat making us all laugh. "I know it's not dad's favorite but please."

"I can make an exception just for you kiddo," Dad tells Emma and her lips curve into a big smile. "You can go ahead and make Emma's favorite honey, I don't mind."

"Baby back ribs and mashed potatoes it is then." Mom sweetly smiles. "I love you, honey, I'll see you when you get back. Have fun."

"I love you more." Dad smiles at mom as we begin to pull out of the driveway. "We will! Let's see if Connery can catch something today."

I roll my eyes at my dad. "I'm right here you know. And dad, you know it has everything to do with the fishing rod, not me."

Emma laughs. "Sure thing Connery. The amount of fish dad and I catch with the same rod you use says otherwise."

I scoff at my sister's comment. "Emma, I don't remember asking for your opinion on the matter."

"I know, but I thought I would give it anyway." Emma grins and I roll my eyes.

The ride to the lake was a rather short one. And thankfully for us, there weren't many people down at the lake today. Which meant that we would be taking a lot of fish home today. Emma and I helped dad carry all of our supplies from the trunk of the truck to the small boat he always rents when we come out here. After we had all of our supplies in the boat, dad took the boat out to the lake.

Dad drove the boat around the lake for a while until we stopped at his favorite spot to fish. We spent over three hours fishing and in the course of that time, Emma and dad had caught over ten fish. I, on the other hand, had just the one and it was because dad had to lend me a helping hand. I'm telling you, it's the faulty fishing rod.

"You did a great job kiddo!" Dad congratulates Emma as she carries a whole bag full of fish out of the boat.

"Thanks, Dad, I learned from the best." Emma grins. "We'll be eating fish for the rest of the week. Wait till mom sees the bag."

I was helping dad put all of our supplies in the trunk of his truck when his phone rang. His whole expression changed when he saw the caller ID. I've seen that face before and it could only mean one thing. "Lieutenant Oliver Connery speaking,"

I knew it. "Yes sir, everything is going great. I was just out fishing with the kids."

Mom wasn't going to look so happy when we got home for dinner. "Tuesday? No sir, I have no problem. The flight leaves at nine am, correct? I'll be there."

He was leaving, again. He promised that last time would be the last time. Liar. "You lied." It was all that came out of my mouth.

"Connery," Dad sighs.

"You promised." My eyes began to water. "You promised you weren't going to leave again and you are."

"Kiddo, I know I did, but they need me," Dad says.

"So do we. So does mom." Tears were streaming down my eyes. "How long?"

"A year," Dad replies. "But I'm allowed to come to visit you guys, I wouldn't miss your birthday kiddo."

"That's what you said last time to dad," I say. "A lot can change in just a year."

Dad pulls me in for a hug. "I promise you, Connery, nothing is going to change. Before you know it, we'll be playing baseball in the backyard again."

end of flashback

"Connery," I heard Scott's voice say my name and it snapped me out of my thoughts. I put down the picture frame back where it belonged and I turned around to face the man I've been running from ever since he knocked on my front door.

He didn't look like the man that came to visit me. He looked worse, sick. Emma was right, he didn't look like he had much time left. "Scott."

A little girl that looked around the age of six had her hands wrapped around Scott's right leg. "Hi," She shyly says.

I didn't even know how to react and Ev noticed so she took the lead. "Hi, pretty girl. What's your name?"

The little girl was hesitant about walking closer to us but once Ev kneeled, she unwrapped her hands from Scott's legs and walked closer to us. "My name is Malia. Who are you? Mommy says you're daddy's friends."

"We are Malia, you have a beautiful name." Ev smiles and Malia grins. "My name is Everest and this is my boyfriend, Connery."

Malia looks at me curiously. "He has the same name as my last name."

I chuckle at her comment. "I do, it's my last name too. My friends like to call me by it. It's a cool last name though, right?"

She nods. "It is."

"Kiddo, why don't you go with mom upstairs? You can show Everest your playroom while I talk with my friend Connery." Scott suggests to Malia and she seemed very fond of the idea. She ran up to Everest and grabbed her hand leading her to the stairwell.

"I have a lot of princesses, do you like princesses Everest?" Malia says and it makes me smile.

She already adores Everest, but I mean who wouldn't? She's the girl I never thought I would look at across any room and think that she's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen for as long as I breathed.

"We can sit here in the living room or we can go to the backyard," Scott says not knowing what to do.

"The backyard will be just fine," I say and Scott leads me to the patio chairs in the backyard.

The living room would've been just fine, but if things got heated (which I'm desperately trying to not let happen) I didn't want to ruin Malia's image of her picture-perfect dad. From experience, I know how it can fuck you up entirely when you have to live through the abuse and as much as I hated Scott, I would never do that to her. She is my sister, half-sister, after all, and she had no part in what happened in the past.

Scott and I sat on the patio chairs in the backyard. Neither of us knew how to start the conversation so I was thankful when he broke the awkward silence even if it wasn't in the way I would've preferred. "Thank you for coming over to see me. How did you get my address?"

"I didn't do it for you," I reply coldly. "And I asked Emma."

"I didn't mean it like that Connery, I just said it because I'm happy to see you. I never told you to do it for me. I wanted you to do it for you." Scott says. "You don't owe me anything. It's the complete opposite, I'm the one that owed you an explanation for everything that happened."

"There's no such thing as an explanation for all of the abuse you inflicted on my mother. Both physically and emotionally." I say trying to keep myself under control. "But since I'm already here, I would love to see you try to justify it."

"I understand that there won't ever be words that justify the kind of pain I inflicted on Vicky but I would like for you to try and understand where it came from," Scott says and I scoff.

I will never understand. I mean how could I? How do you explain to your son the reason why you abused his mother daily? There are no words for any kind of explanation.

"After my last tour, I wasn't the same person you had dropped off at the airport that Tuesday morning around seven am. I had seen and done things that I wasn't proud of. It was the first time I ever questioned if I was doing the right thing." Scott pauses. "When I was shot and the doctors told me I wouldn't be able to survive the rest of the tour, I felt like it was God punishing me for everything I had done. When that bullet hit me, it didn't kill me Connery, but it did feel like a part of me did. I lost a part of who I was and I didn't know whom I was anymore without serving my country. I felt like I didn't have a purpose in life anymore."

"I can understand that Scott, you were proud to serve your country. Being a lieutenant was part of who you were." I pause. "I get that, but you still had your loving wife and kids waiting for you back home. When you came back you acted as if we had died in Afghanistan with you. You still had a purpose, you were supposed to love your wife. You were supposed to lean on her. But instead, you chose the bottle to lean on."

"I know, it will be something I will carry with me until the day I die, Connery," Scott says. "I don't recognize the man I became when I would drink my sorrows away. That wasn't me Connery, that was someone else and I need you to understand that."

My eyes were beginning to water. All the pain and hatred were overflowing. "Why? Why didn't you come looking for us after you got your shit together? Were we that easy to replace? You have a beautiful wife and daughter now but so did you back then. Why? How did you think I felt the day I saw you at that restaurant? Huh, dad? You couldn't keep your shit together for us but you did for them. Why wasn't I enough for you? Fucking tell me."

"After Vicky left with you guys, I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had to get my shit together and I tried Connery. I got help and I got sober. I've been sober for nine years now." Scott says. "When I got better I had to make a tough decision. And whether I liked it or not, I knew it was the right thing to do. Even though I had gotten better, I didn't trust whom I would become if I ever lost my temper with your mom. I didn't want to come back with empty promises. She deserved better, you guys deserved better after all of the abuse I inflicted on all three of you. I never stopped loving you, it was in fact because of that love that I stayed away."

"You could've tried to stay in contact with us, do you know how hard it was to grow up without your father? While everyone had both of their parents to share all their accomplishments with mom was the only one sitting in the stands. I needed you and were never there." I tell him. "Instead, you decided to keep your distance and form a family elsewhere."

"I was always there Connery, you just didn't see me," Scott says catching me off guard. "Come with me, I want to show you something."

Scott got up from the patio chair and he leads me inside the house into his office. When we walked inside his office, he had pictures of Emma and me all over the place. And what mostly caught my eye was that he had every newspaper where they mentioned me framed in the walls with pictures of almost every meet I competed in when I started swimming until now. "I don't have pictures of you in Nebraska because I had to go in for a check-up that day, but I still watched it in the waiting room with Sara and Malia on my phone."

"How come I never saw you?" I ask.

"At first I tried to blend in with the crowd, but as my boy got bigger so did the crowds. I didn't have to blend in anymore." Scott replies.

"When did you meet Sara?" I ask. "If you don't mind me asking."

"I don't mind at all." Scott smiles. "Sara and I met in the rehab center. She had lost her husband five years before in a car accident. The bottle became her best friend too until like me, she realized the bottle came too high a price. We became instant friends and we helped each other get through the tough times. Our connection grew beyond our friendship and we got married three years later. Your mother was happy with Conrad and I knew that even though I didn't deserve it, I wanted a shot at being happy. Malia wasn't planned, Sara was told she could never have kids. But as you can see, the doctors were wrong apparently." 

I chuckle at Scott's last comment. "When did you get diagnosed?"

"A year ago but last month we received the news that cancer had spread all over my body," Scott says looking down. "They gave me three months tops, but I don't think I will make it to next month."

"Don't say that," I say. "You've always been a fighter dad. Besides, you're missing another picture on your wall. The one with me biting my gold medal next year at the Olympics."

Scott chuckles. "You're right, but just in case I don't ever get to see you with that gold medal hanging around your neck, know that I'm so proud of you Connery. You have defied all odds and you never let your screwed-up old man define you. You grew up to be the kind of man I always told your mother you would be when I held you in my arms for the first time." Why did it feel like he was saying goodbye? Only because he was.

Healing doesn't indicate that the wounds or the damage never existed. It means that through your healing of those wounds that once had a hold of you no longer have control over you.