Aisha

  It's been almost 2 months since I last saw or spoke to Michael. I kind of felt silly about the way I reacted but I couldn't help it. I wasn't ready for any relationship what so ever and more importantly, I don't want to disappoint him. I'm kind of a defective person and I don't think he need a novice to handle his feelings. But the fact was just mind-numbing and his words kept wheeling in my mind.

"…isn't it obvious that I love you?"

He loves me.

Unbelievable....

Most girls had be ecstatic about it - a millionaire having the hots for you. Of course she should be flattered. But she couldn't wrap her mind around the idea. She sighed looking at the busy streets of New York from her window ledge on which she perched on each time to think. She loved this spot so much-  that's what promoted her in taking this room. There was something about that statement that didn't sit right in her mind. Not that she felt like he was psychotic or he was lying because he was sincere about every word and that's what scared her - that fire she saw in his eyes when he said it. Then the regret and guilt that covered his ever beautiful face because of her reaction. Then the pain at her rejection and disdain. The only instinct that rang in her soul then was run  run.. run. and that's why she turned away.

"... your beauty is really something to contemplate. Unlike other girls with stunning features, you're still insecure about your looks but there is  a certain amount of confidence you exude despite that... are you perhaps one of those women who lure men with their looks just to break their hearts later?"...

I frowned at the memory, fisting my hands. Maybe I was leading him on unknowingly? But I don't remember giving him any signs as such. I could distinctively recall I always had this problem with a lot of guys. I knew I wasn't hideous but I wasn't up to a beauty pageant either and still didn't understand why they actually had interest in me? I was plain boring without being the stuck up dork nerd. Relationships always seemed difficult for me - too much sacrifices, always doing things in consideration of the other, getting physical contact, which was a major problem of mine: my inability to get intimate, be it a kiss on the cheek, on the forehead or someone touching me. The contact always felt odd to me. Sacrifices which implied giving off a lot for him. Not that I was inconsiderate about others but in my past relationship I felt like if I looked at another boy, I felt like I cheated, if I sat too close to another boy or got too cosy with him it felt like cheating and then there was the fact that I couldn't kiss them. Yes I knew it was very frustrating but I couldn't change that. Then there was the volatile emotions too: one minute you two are all lovey, next you're mad, then you're not talking to each other... I was well aware that all these were part of relationships but I loved my freedom and didn't want to give up on my independent woman statues yet. I was hoping maybe by 29, I would give it a try but it seemed like things caught up to me earlier. I had this notion: love early get tired early. And I wanted something that would last and if I entertained the idea now, then it would be over before long.

Somehow, there was still something about him that kept calling to me. Something I wanted to reach out to but held back... No. I wasn't ready for a relationship but...I thought about how his face had lit up each time he looked at me, how easily I trusted his words despite my paranoia and trust issues, how he always managed to make me feel secured each time he was around, then there was that time when he kissed my forehead - that jolt of electricity I felt where his lips touched. Placing my right hand on my chest, I rested my head against the glass frame of the window. All of this is so confusing.. …

"Are you gonna keep sulking or tell us about your problem?" She turned to her door and saw Kim line against the frame with her arms folded.

"It's nothing." I bent my head and turned away.

"There most definitely is a problem. If there is something I've learned about you in these past years is whenever you're broody, frowning, looking out the window and exceptionally silent than usual, then  something is definitely bugging you. And I knew if I had asked, you would say nothing. That's why I gave you space all these while. It's been almost two months and I haven't heard or seen Michael. So I'm guessing he is the cause of you being upset. So can we talk about it?" She asked quietly.

I sighed taking a seat by her on my bed. "Ok." I replied folding my legs in a crisscross position like when meditating.

"Good."she said adjusting herself to face me.

"It's… it's Michael he…" I gulped still gathering the courage to say the words. God why was it so hard for me to say a simple 4 lettered word, even so believe it. "…while we were at Riyadh, he…"

"Calm down. Take your time. Did he try taking advantage of you? Did he hurt you? did he do or say something stupid? I know how self conscious you can get. Did he  say something offensive?" She asked worriedly

I shook my head no. "… no he… he kind of made a declaration to me." I said fiddling with the hem of my bed cover.

She frowned nodding her head, encouraging me to continue. "…and was it that bad that I had to leave you so distrust ?"

"No it was …" i scratched the back of my neck feeling uncomfortable about the whole topic. "… I don't know how to put it."

"Well which-ever way it comes please do tell me even if you have to explain in Swahili. I've got Google translate for that." She joked.

I laughed lightly at her attempt at a joke to lighten the atmosphere.

"Well then… what is it he said that got your panties in a twist? C'mon, tell me." She coaxed me

"He..." damnit. out with it already woman!  I breath out and said it loud so I won't have to repeat myself. "He said he loved me."

There you go. Shorter than usually but hey, I'm thinking on the next chap.

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