July 2020

Darin poured me another glass of wine while I finished off giggling.

He chuckled, "You literally told me that."

The glass shook too much within my hold so he reached for it. I fell back on the couch and watched him place it on the coffee table. I ran my fingers through my newly dyed hair.

After the last time we saw each other, Darin asked to see me again. I was unsure but I wasn't able to deny the long, perfect smile on his lips. Taking an Uber to his apartment, I was going to drink and didn't know whether I'd be too intoxicated. Not after what happened.

He cooked dinner and it was delicious. I was surprised to find him cooking in the kitchen and listening to old jazz on the radio. I sat at the island, admiring the back of his muscles tense whenever he talked or moved.

Then we ate and talked about school and our lives. I told him I was still lost and confused on what I want to do. His roommate came home and greeted me hello before going into his bedroom. Showered, dressed and went out to the bars.

Darin was living the life anybody our age wanted. He figured out what he wanted to do and I admired him for that. I wondered what appeal did I have to him but tried my very best to ignore the negative thoughts.

"I don't remember telling you that I chocked a girl during my basketball game." I argued and he took a sip of his wine.

"You play dirty."

"So is that why you're afraid of a 1v1?" I questioned as I reached for my glass and drank mouthfuls.

"I'll crush you." He joked then reached out for my hair and touched it.

I glanced at his fingers and my smile dropped.

"You don't like my new hair?" I asked softly as my face grew hot.

He shrugged, "No, I'm just curious why you did it?"

    "I thought it was time for a change." I lied, aware of why I did it.

I didn't want to confront with my old self. The bangs weren't enough.

"Really compliments your pale skin." He replied and I snorted.

"Jeez, thanks." I rolled my eyes jokingly and played with the stem of the wine glass.

"You look beautiful." He added a second later. I glanced at him between the bangs and blinked away my glassy eyes.

With the softest smile, I whispered, "Thank you."

I was buzzed and my body was warm. His apartment was warm for a July night but I wasn't bothered. I still wore a light sweater that fell over my shoulder and an old pair of shorts.

"You were saying that you came back for a story?" He questioned and I took a sip of my wine.

"To write a story." I corrected with a nod of my head. Darin watched a home-run happen on the television then turned to me.

"Why here?"

"Inspiration I guess." I muttered, hard for me to think about it. "Or to just find myself."

"Yeah I mean at one point you were home at a close-by college and working at Danfords. The next, you packed up and left."

"I had to leave, Darin. For my own good." I told him, tasting bitterness on my tongue. He took it as though I didn't want to talk about it and licked his lips.

"Tell me about the story. Why are you writing it?"

I paused and sat still. Darin glanced nervously until I reached for my bag and pulled out my notebook.

"I was asked to. For school, I published a collection of poetry and a few agents reached out to me. Then this woman told me to write a story and she promised me she'd get it published." I handed Darin the notebook and he flipped through it.

I watched as his fingers slid between words and flipped through pages of messy letters and scribbled out sentences. Darin popped a brow and saw a list.

"Seven deadly sins?" He questioned as he read each deadly sin.

"Yes, I might use it for the story." I replied while my eyes grazed the page as well.

"It's a weird thing to say but since my mom is Irish, my grandmother used to tell me a folklore story around Halloween. She told me that the origin of Jack-o'-lantern was about a man named Jack who walked among the world with greed and sloth. He was denied to Heaven when he died for being sinful."

He flipped backwards and found the first few pages covered with lyrics.

"I never heard of it."

Darin shook his head, "It went on about him cornering the devil on a tree and such. Crazy woman, my grandmother. But just seeing greed and sloth together is so...interesting. What if you are the sloth and want to be greedy? Does that make you selfish for being helpless then pursuing something and earning it with money?"

"I'm not sure," I muttered as my thoughts eventually grew anxious and I noticed how much I resonated.

I am alone, a bore, someone that can die and no one would care. I am sloth.

"Are these songs?" He asked, reading the first page written in sloppy handwriting.

"Lyrics, yes. That's how I got into writing."

"You sing?" He popped a brow and I laughed.

"No, my voice is terrible. I write lyrics and that's how I'm good at poetry. I used to write lyrics for my dad. He was a musician."

Darin glanced at me as though he was trying to figure something out.

"What?" I asked nervously, waiting for him to kick me out and call me a freak.

"You are full of surprises." He whispered in amazement and I smiled at that. "I didn't know this much about you."

"I like to keep things to myself." I muttered, my self-esteem showing. Forced of habit, I patted down my bangs and threw my hair over my shoulders.

"I'm sorry for not noticing." I furrowed my brows at his apology.

"It's nothing to be—"

"No, I always saw you as the girl in the hallway. The athlete on the court. The only who always stood in the back and hung out with—"

I gritted my teeth and my throat tightened into a ball.

"Please stop." I forced out in a hurry. My voice went rasped and the notebook dropped on his lap. "Stop." I added quietly, my hands began to shake and so did the rest of my body.

Darin handed the notebook to me and I tossed it onto the couch. He noticed I was anxious and realized what he was about to finish triggered me. He knew what had happened and he was doing good so far without bringing it up.

I didn't want it to be brought it.

"Just—not now." I nudged when he grew uncomfortable at my voice.

"Sorry," He apologized and placed his hand on my thigh. My eyes glanced down at his large hand.

In silence, Darin leaned over and grazed his lips against mine. I didn't move but sat still in case I was afraid I was dreaming. I knew this moment was going to come from the way we spoke and flirted. But now, this reality felt like a lucid dream I didn't have to wake up from.

Darin slid closer and the beat of the music hummed with my heart. I was used to sleeping with men and women, anybody that came to my direction. Any that I desired or had attraction too. Some nights I left when I was done but others I stayed because their comfort made me feel whole.

Now, his lips were warm and welcoming. I wanted more but I pulled away the moment... the moment I couldn't run away from bothered me.

Darin noticed my discomfort and sucked his teeth, "Sorry if you didn't—"

I waved my hand but didn't move from his closeness, "No, I just...I don't remember the last time I slept with someone from school." I don't know why I felt the need to tell him but I had this dread in my full stomach.

Darin was taken aback, "Oh,"

"I'm also bisexual." I told him abruptly.

He popped a curious brow and smiled, "So telling me you're bisexual was going to make me not want to do this?"

I shook my head and sighed, "No I-ugh. Sorry, I just ruined a perfect moment—"

"Hey," He muttered and rubbed his hand along my hot skin. "It's okay. I don't care about who you have slept with or not. As long as you're comfortable now, I'm all for it." I gazed into his eyes and stared. His were dark and gentle, understanding and pleasing.

For a while, I haven't felt my heart beat with a urge to feel except tonight with his lips. But I wasn't ready and the comfort in my heart wasn't settling with my mind. Darin noticed something was bothering me and everything I told him wasn't the full story.

"Can we pause?" I asked embarrassed. Darin grinned and I didn't know if it was because he couldn't taste my lips or take me into his bedroom.

"Of course."

Softly, he reached over my shoulder and pulled me into his arms. I allowed him because I didn't know what else to do. He was the first person that has grown on me and I was afraid I could break.

~*~