September 2020

    When I open the door, Darin is standing outside of the motel room with a bottle of wine in one hand and takeout in the other. I smile when I see his fabulous smirk and his eyes roaming the room.

    I didn't want him to come here but he insisted that I stay put and he drives to wherever I'm staying. I warned him about the "housing" situation but it didn't seem to bother him.

    Now I'm afraid he's going to turn around and leave.

    "So this is where you've been hiding." He enter the small room that holds a desk and a bed that I was motivated enough to make.

    When he told me he was coming, I was able to clean up and take out the trash because I haven't had any of the housekeeping come in and clean for me. It smelled of a fresh shower with soaps I bought at the newest pharmacy.

    "Yeah, it's not my proudest moment but for being here for a little..." I trail off when I shut the door and Darin turns to me.

    "It's been months. If I know you've been living like this, you could've stayed with me." He offers, placing the bag and wine down on the desk.

I shrug, "It's fine. I've been...fine." I scratch the back of my neck and feel myself growing hot.

He's right. I've been her for months. I wasn't able to pack up and leave because Darin has been the only I've bonded. He's been stitching my broken heart and reminding me that every day is a little step further.

I'm barely working part time but owning up from my mistakes. My mom has been also sending me money without knowing that I'm back in my hometown.

He looks at my opened laptop and there's a document typed out. He reads, "Once upon a time—" I rush to him and slam the screen shut. Putting up an awkward smile, he chuckles and shakes his head.

    "Your ideas turned to a fairytale story?" He pushes and I find myself relatively close to him. My cheeks turn red and I rub my eyes embarrassingly.

    "No it's um—the complete opposite to a fairytale." I pause and glance up into his face. His is glowing and every time I hang out with him, he falls deeper and deeper. "Hi, Darin."

    "Hi love," He mutters before leaning down and capturing my lips. I kiss him back and find myself falling into him. A chuckle booms from his chest and when I pull away, his hands are around my waist.

    "We can eat on the bed. I can lay out a towel so we don't make a mess." I say in between breaths and he smiles against my mouth.

    "I can hold off my hunger for a little while." He replies before picking me up and walking us to the bed. I fall on my back and he hovers over my body, his lips trailing down my jawline.

    We've had sex but now...this...it feels right. I let him take my clothes off and capture every inch of my skin with his mouth. I'm not afraid for him to see my frail body and how my clothes don't fit right anymore.

    I feel him and take him in my mouth when we flip positions. I devour the groans escaping his mouth. I envision him on the court and how his body looked under the uniform.

    Now he's naked here with me—alone with me. It is a moment when I can let someone see me for who I am. I am not afraid of my own shadow. I can let my fake hair fall over my face and my bangs grow tattered and wet from the sweat on my forehead.

    He can hold my hips as I straddle him and ride. While the night is beyond us and no one can stop us. Darin is someone who isn't afraid of me and finally for a moment—I am me.

                        ~*~

    Darin runs his fingers along the small of my naked back. My head is resting between his shoulder and chest. We haven't moved since we finished and the untouched food has run cold.

    "What's your dream?" He asks me after being quiet for a few minutes. His body is warm and sticky from sweat. Mine is smooth and tired.

    "My dream?"

    "Mhm," He rumbles from his chest.

    "Um, I guess to succeed. Be an author and write anything I want."

    Darin looks down uncomfortably from the way his head is positioned and he grins. "What's stopping you?"

    I sigh, not wanting to have this conversation now but I proceed to reply, "I'm just stuck right now. As you can see—I just have a short dark fairytale..."

    "About them?" He brings up and there's an eerie tightness in my throat. I swallow it but it hurts.

    "Yes," I say, sitting up and covering the front of my body. Slowly, I search for pieces of my clothes on the floor and toss Darin's to him. He doesn't budge and lay naked while watching me.

    I can't help but smile when I see him hard again—wanting more. I let him wait in response to my silence and clip my bra on. Slipping on my underwear, I hear the television turn on.

    "I say we have dinner with some nice music on and then relax."

    Turning, I stand in my undergarments. An arm is propped behind his head and he is flipping through the channels with the remote. I can't help but scan his toned, beautiful body. The way his muscle tense and coil at every move.

    I lick my lips and undo my shirt that turned inside-out. Walking around the bed, I slip it over my head and go use the bathroom. Passing the mirror, I stop and slowly retreat back. Darin can't see and once old jazz begins to play—he is singing to the music and dressing as well.

    I glance at myself in the mirror and finally, I see color on my cheeks. I look alive and awakened from a deep slumber. It's been a while since I was able to do normal people things. Since I've been social and outgoing most of the time.

    Now I am shallow with money, unaware of my degree in college and suffering the consequences to everything. Patting my bangs down, Darin shouts from the room and asks if he can take out our food.

    "Yeah," I say when I sit on the toilet and pee. After washing my hands, I walk back out and see that Darin set the food up nicely.

    I thank him for the help and inhale the warm aroma of his cologne clinging to his clothes. Quickly stretching, I find myself humming to a melody. Something that I promised to never hear again.

    My ears perk up to the beat and the rhythm that always makes my heart race. My humming slowly trails off when I glance down at my phone and look at the photo on my Lock Screen. Darin is saying something about the fortune cookies but I can't close out the music.

    "Turn it off." I gasp, running a hand over my throat because it becomes hard to breathe.

    Darin glances at the television and pops a brow, "What?"

    "Turn it off!" I scream, choking on my words. "T-the song, I can't breath—help!" I cry and Darin pushes a paper plate on the desk and scrams to the bed.

    'Fly me to the moon. And let me play among the stars'

    "Please, turn it off." I crumble to the ground and begin to weep like an infant. Darin is throwing the tangled sheets everywhere, food and drinks spilling.

    "I'm looking for the remote."

    "Please." I cry once more, curling into fetus position, my legs naked to my chest.

    "Fuck, where is it!" Defeated, he throws a pillow onto the ground and races to the television. Bobby's angelic voice cries out, 'can't you see that I love ya?' right when it blanks and the television screen goes black.

    Darin is hovering over me while I sob on the filthy rug that probably hasn't been washed in years. I can't see or hear anything because whatever Darin is saying—it's all muffled. My body hurts and nothing hurts more than hearing that song.

    Darin kneels down and caresses a hand up my arm. A shiver runs down my spine when I feel his warm touch. But I can't stop crying as much as I try to calm down. My body is almost static and that heavy feeling—the unusual feeling of loneliness engulfs me whole. I wish I could never walk among this world again and be forgotten.

    "It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. Follow me okay?" When I open my swollen eyes, I can't see anything but a blur. He brushes my hair away from my face and slowly lifts me up.

    My body falls limp into his and he grunts at the weight.

    "I can't move." I force out, snots escaping my nostrils. "I'm having a panic attack." I choke out in between hiccups.

    Darin's expression softens and he sighs, "Okay, I'm sorry. Just breathe." His large arms wrap around my body until he turns me onto my back and makes me fall into his chest.

    I'm embarrassed to feel the wetness of my face pressed against his shirt. Shaking from the attack, I try to collect my thoughts and bring them together to try and move. Darin holds me like a fetus in his lap, hushing me and taking deep breaths to follow.

    "Do you want me to call 911?" He asks and his voice is shaking as though he's about to cry. I'm able to shake my head no and he is exhaling so deeply, it's hitting my scalp.

    "I miss them." My voice is horse and smothered in his chest. "I miss them so much." I sob loudly—not caring whether somebody from outside hears.

    "I know, I'm sorry. I really sorry." He kisses the top of my head and begins cradling me back and forth. He mutters numerous of apologizes as I smother my cries and have him hold me close.

    It becomes a night when time slows down. I'm not in the right mind and the person holding me isn't someone I expect it to be. I wish it isn't like this or carrying this weight would be such a burden.

    I know returning was going to be hard and harder to create this story. There isn't a way I can leave them and never turn around. Leave for something that won't be beneficial for myself and what happened.

    I shiver when my naked body is pressed on Darin's warm clothes. I wonder how they felt. For them all on the cold winter night. He wasn't there because I remember asking and seeing him away at a beautiful hot resort. But word spreads like wildfire and all I was able to do was close my mouth and stop being the messenger and become the storyteller.

    But I didn't want to dig a six foot grave deeper. I didn't want to remind myself of that bruise that would always be there. Because the actions of ones doing shouldn't be the fault of others. But that action was mine and although it wasn't the fault of others—it came back to a full circle. And that bruise...that bruise will stick with me forever.

    Steadily, I pull my face away from Darin's wet shirt. Prying my eyes open as wide as I can—I avoid the pain of them being so swollen. Darin looks down at me and I'm afraid he's seen enough of my ugly.

    These past months, I've been seeing him and he's making everything about being home so gentle. He's been stepping around the eggshells and making sure I am okay. But it's not okay and nothing is okay because every time we are out—I see them.

    "Darin," I whisper because trying to breathe is still hard.

    "Yes," He replies, relieved to hear my voice. There is fear in his dark eyes but they are welled with tears.

    "I have to tell you something."

    It's as though the universe crumbled around us and this single motel room is the only thing standing. His whole body tenses and the side of his mouth drops to a frown. As I tell him what happened and take sips of water in between to hold in my cries.

    It takes a matter of minutes for Darin to rub his face in disbelief. Until his shoulders sag and he leans back on the closet door. Then he lets the tears fall when I am at the end.

    Only for him to reach over, grab a hold of my hand and run his fingers along mine. I glance into his eyes and ignore the snot running down my nostril. Darin licks his lips and exhales a shaky sigh.

    "Marie," I cry even harder.

    "No please don't call me that." I whimper and he brushes a strand of hair away from my face.

    "I'm sorry but you need to understand what happened. You can't just forget everything that was important in your life." He explains gently as though he's afraid I'm going to crumble and turn to ash. "You have to tell somebody."

    "I'm scared, Darin." I truthfully tell him and he sighs.

    "I know, it'll be a process but I'll be here for you. You are so strong and I know you can do this. You are losing yourself and I can't see you vanish. It's okay if it takes time but you won't be able to let go until you do something."

    Devouring every word he says, I slowly nod my head. I know that now, things will change. I know that what happened wasn't my fault and it shouldn't be. But that little piece—the part of me I took away will never recover unless I do something myself.

    Marie is someone I buried. Theo is someone I want to be but can't until I heal. A part of me wants to tell Darin never mind because I don't think I can take two steps back when I have one foot through the door.

    But they're watching me and waiting. Because it hasn't even been a year and they haven't been able to find peace.

Swallowing the thick bile stuck in my throat, I murmur, "Okay, okay."

While Darin kisses my temple and holds me until the world goes black. Reminding me that I can't run away from my problems even if it means leaving them behind.

~*~