We all gasp when the envelope catches fire. Jules apologizes repeatedly and Penny lunges forward. Grabbing the poker, she flings the envelope out of the pit and it hits the muddy ground.

I rush to it and stomp my foot down at what is left. Vivi cups her hands over her face and doesn't move. Clarry and Em's mouths are shaped like an O. Parts of the envelope is saved and without thinking of burning my fingers, I tear it open.

Inside is a letter and burnt ash falls between my fingertips. Jules doesn't stop apologizing with tears streaming down her cheeks. She begins splurging out random things I don't understand. Vivi begins comforting her and handing her water to drink.

With wide eyes, I read what is left of the letter. Holes are burned through and it is faded from the smoke. Penny is cowering over me but I notice what the letter is written for. Jules is frustrated that she doesn't remember but is afraid to know.

Crumbling the letter into my hands, I let the ash paint my hands grey. Because I deserve to be the killer in disguise. All we had left of Rubies and that night is gone. Now I am the one who can tell what we know.

I stand and toss the paper ball into the fire. It crackles in response and I can almost see a silhouette figure in the black smoke.

"What was it?" Penny asks me in alarm, the poker still in her hand. I rub the debris on my sweatpants and sigh. Ignoring that I stained it with white and grey paste.

Clarry and Em look at me and it's hard to breathe. Jules has calmed down and Vivi is crouching next to her chair.

"About the night of the party." I confirm and it goes silent.

"What about it?" Penny wonders, her voice heavy with wrath. Em glances at her and leans back in her seat with fear.

"I-I don't know." I fumble, aware that I can say what I know but I'm afraid to.

Em groans and Clarry points at Jules, "Theo you have to tell us. You are the only person Rubies told!" She shouts and I grind my teeth together.

"Rubies could've been lying for all I know!" I yell back, angry for being pressured. My ugly is showing and without thinking, I hit my arm with my fist.

It pangs with it's own heartbeat in the center of my healing bruise. By surprise, all the girls eyes widen and Jules stares at me with her mouth wide. A whimper escapes my parted lips because I don't want them to know. They don't know this side of me.

"I'm sorry, fuck." I spit out, my voice tight from holding back tears. 

"Theo," Vivi murmurs and I raise my hand in a silent gesture.

"Em didn't do anything." I clarify, staring at Penny. "Rubies was upstairs with Vivi and Jules because Jules was throwing up. Rubies went to look for you and she heard a bedroom door open. She didn't think anything of it but Em walked out with Brennan. Rubies overheard them and thought Brennan caught Em flirting with Andrew but they weren't."

Em is frozen in her seat, surprised to hear me tell them all. Jules's eyes are glistening like glass.

"She would never do that do you, Penny and Rubies left too soon to realize what was going on. It didn't make it any better when Em and Andrew were arguing later."

"And what was it?" She sneers and Em slaps her hands against her thighs. Our attention turn to her.

We glance at her and wait for a response. It takes a little long before Em curls her fists and sighs, "Brennan wasn't happy with me. We were fighting about something and he... hit me."

She begins crying, "And I'm still here with him."

Clarry rubs her back in small circles. My shoulders drop and Penny's expression softens in realization. It's as though Penny knows more but Rubies didn't see. Em's small frame, her cut cheekbones and frail hair. She hasn't been well either.

Penny twirls her ring around and stutters, "I-I'm sorry."

"I wasn't able to say anything because if I did, I'd lose Brennan and—" She keeps sobbing and can't get another word down. I fall back in my chair and Jules glances at me.

I sigh, "Jules you drank too much. Rubies came rushing into the bathroom and told Vivi to find Clarry. You two went to the balcony where Andrew was and Rubies was accusing him. Andrew was denying it and without watching you, you tipped back and fell."

Jules reaches for the back of her neck.

"You suffered with a neck fracture and got addicted to the pills they prescribed you. You don't remember because no one didn't want to trigger anything. But you stopped the pills and started drinking." Penny sits in her chair and stares into nothingness.

"And Rubies died telling a lie." Vivi mutters, flaring her arms in the air, "Breaking the group apart for years."

"Rubies didn't do anything. She made a mistake." I sneer, my gaze still falling on Penny and Em because there must be more from that night. Something that Rubies didn't see behind that door. Something Em isn't clueless about but knows it will ruin us all. While Penny contains this anger unaware that one single sentence can change this entire story.

Before I can open my mouth and ask, Vivi strikes her eyes over the fire and glares at me. She mutters, "She assumed, Theo. She could've spoken to Em or something." We fall silent as she grunts, "And the messenger gets killed. Watch out you can be next."

My heart stops and my voice falls short. Clarry grinds her teeth, "You're an asshole."

"What? Theo has it all. There is no reason she should be upset now. She has money, fame, lives alone and can do whatever she wants."

Then I realize who I've become.

I stand and start to take off my sweatshirt. Em asks what I'm doing but I rip the fabric off and roll up my long sleeves. There's more than one bruise sitting on my arms.

They're faint and a burden. A reminder that I will always be this person.

Shocked, the girls eyes are wide and sympathetic even more than they saw me hit myself.

"My best friend is gone. A part of me in gone." My voice is harsh and raspy. I'm trying to hold in every part of me to not break down. "All I have are these bruises that I can't stop making. I am who I am because I had to let go. I didn't have you guys anymore, I didn't have a purpose to stay here. And you all—you either live here or live with somebody else or somewhere else. But you are able to come back home. My family isn't here and I had to make a decision. I had to leave to find who I am or I was going to fall apart."

The fire has dimmed since Penny hasn't added a log. It's become cold and the wind has picked up.

"I am as angry as Penny is with friends and I am crucial to love like Em is because of our lack of security growing up. I am resilient like Clarry because I am proud of what I've done and I also over consume what other's think of me like Jules. I am jealous like Vivi because I don't have what you guys have anymore. You all still have your beauty and your passions and your love being here as though you've never grown. You all are still in the circle that I broke and I will never forgive myself for doing that. Because I fled without a word and now I have to live with that.

"And I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I took everything and ran without a word. I wish I can go back in time and change everything but I can't." I rub my eyes and wipe the tears off my cheeks. My body is trembling and my bottom lip is quivering between breaths.

"You didn't do anything, Theo." Em says, her eyes swelling with tears. "You were protecting us. We all have our sins."

Vivi's eyes drop and she goes silent. I breath through my mouth to calm myself from having a panic attack. I'm afraid to admit that I hate what I told them. How much they see me as though I am naked and translucent.

"Have you got help?" Clarry questions gently. As though asking would shatter me like a china doll.

I rub my wet face with the back of my arm and nod, "I did and I got tested for diagnosis. I'm waiting for results."

It's a truth and a lie. Everything I've been covering isn't an entire lie but also the truth. Jules eyes gleam with something I can't figure out. As though going to the group counseling was the first of many. But my therapist insisted I get tested.

The conversation drops. 

"Guys, I think Rubies didn't know the whole story." Penny adds, her voice soft and worn. Her eyes avoid ours and focuses on the ground.

"What is it?" Jules turns and glances her way. Penny rubs her arm and grows small in her posture. Em's eyes glare at hers—her hands burying deep in her pockets. Although I can't hear, I can see that her heart is thudding between her ribs. Penny shakes her head and closes her eyes.

"I don't really remember and someone here isn't honest about it. Sometimes I just hate my body and feel like—" She stops and shivers.

"Maybe we should all forgive and forget now." Jules murmurs, her tongue swirling a mint in her mouth. "We know enough to see the demons we carry."

There is a crinkle between Vivi's brows as though she's thinking. Shaking her head, she turns to Em.

Completely changing the subject, she says, "Em, Brennan assaulted you. You should report that."

She brings her legs up to her chest and hugs them, "It's too late. It's been a few years and it will ruin him and his family."

"Why didn't you say anything to us?" Clarry questions. Em glances at Penny and I wonder if Penny will ever say what she vaguely remembers. What Rubies must've seen or didn't.

"I couldn't. I wasn't thinking right and Brennan promised he was sorry. There was no way I could tell Penny that Rubies was lying because I'd have to tell everybody what happened. Word would spread and I-I couldn't deal with that."

"I'm sorry, Em." Penny tells her. Em replies with a broken smile and runs her fingers through her thin hair.

"Jules?" I call and Jules looks up to me. "Are you okay?"

She shrugs, "I guess I'm a little lost." Noticing that she doesn't want to talk, I sit back on my chair and hold my sweatshirt on my lap.

I glare at Em, "You need to leave Brennan. You're suffocating."

"We are okay now though."

"No, Em. Don't tell yourself that." Clarry chimes in, placing a hand on her thigh.

"That's manipulation." Vivi replies right after.

"You don't deserve it." Penny reminds her.

Em is quiet for a moment then shrugs, "I need time but I will think about it."

"Well when you're ready, we are here for you." Penny nods slowly and Em smiles...genuinely.

Finally, Penny adds another log into the pit and it takes a few seconds for the fire to pick up again. I notice that Jules and I are the only quiet ones and listening to the girls talk about these issues—domestic violence, self-harm and mental health—and how important they are.

Jules and I have showed a little bit of ourselves but still question our existence.

I was able to tell them what Rubies witnessed since she wasn't able to. Makes me wonder if she was alive, how would it go? Who would believe her, who would stand against her? Would she have been against the world or would me or the girls stand with her? Would Penny tell the secret that she didn't say while the girls brush it over their shoulders? Why was Em and Andrew actually arguing and why did Brennan hit her?

I realize that I am the messenger and storytelling is the only way I can keep them all together.

~*~

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