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August 2021

I don't want to be here.

            One thing I liked about writing behind a screen was not being noticed. The only thing I can indulge in is fantasize about my characters and their sweet lives that seem unbelievable. Sit at the desk for hours, wishing I was the character that had unique features, a beatable personality, and a voice that encouraged all.

            Now all I hear is about my characters and I am sick of every detail of the story. How am I able to submit this outrageous manuscript and receive a response of interest? I should've said no because if I said no, I'd be sitting in my own room—vigorously slapping keys, drinking water to substitute the lack of moving, and listen to the same song on repeat.

            Yet, I am standing on a cheap raised platform in a rental space at a hotel. I am currently on my book tour in South Carolina, pleasing all these readers that hold a content smile and hopeful dreams. Admiring the author of the book in their hands, not knowing that a few hours before, I didn't want to be here.

            My agent, Francine, promised me that once this book tour is over, I will be able to take as long of a break I want. But I don't like to be alone, especially in a foreign state that isn't called my home. Although, I don't really have a home.

            So, I encouraged her to contact other publishing houses in other countries for a possible translated manuscript. Then another possible book tour overseas.

            I answer broad questions—even chuckle at the ones such as 'if you had to choose an actress to play the main role, who would you choose?'. I would choose myself because the protagonist is me.

            No one knows though.

            No one knows because no one here knows me.

            A figure stands and she is handed the microphone. At first, I don't acknowledge her because for myself, there's no reason to remember their faces. I won't have to speak to them ever again.

            But I pause when I see her, standing over the crowd. Her black hair pushed over her shoulders. A sweater pulled over her body. Her small body almost hiding in the crowd of hungry people waiting to hear more about my book. Although, what they have is enough.

            She knows I notice her from the moment of silence she holds. Her hand gripping the handle as though her life depends on it. My palms grow clammy and I grip onto the book, so it doesn't fall, and I make a fool out of myself.

            "Does she ever forgive her father?" Marie asks and I know she isn't talking about the protagonist in my book as everybody else is. I swallow thickly and blink the stillness of my eyes.

            "Um," I begin, my thoughts jumbling up my own sentences. My tongue twisting and pulling until I swallow it whole.

            Someone whispers my name and when I look down at the front row, Francine is mouthing me to answer. With a slight nod, I shift my stance and laugh nervously.

            Marie stands properly, her back straight and her chest out. Her mom always reminded her of a strong back. She—as well as everybody else—waits for me to give an answer. But Marie knows the truth and she knows it's about me. She's waiting for a personal response, one that will close the last conversation we had when I called her sobbing about my father.

            "Well that's for the readers to decide." I smile, turning away from her and watching a new voice chime into the mic. I don't even listen the first time because my mind drifts back to Marie's seat. When I glance to receive her stare, the seat empty.

                                                                        ~*~

            Sitting at the foldable table, I greet a new person every few seconds. Signing a new copy of my book before thanking them for attending. My hand hurts from signing my name over and over and over again. Sometimes the thought of even trying to make the signature right makes my hand shake.

            Don't mess up. Don't be a failure.

            I pause when Marie approaches next in line and places a used copy of my book on the table. The spine is bent, and many pages have been marked with notes. It's rough and read—intimidating the new ones in a pile next to me.

            I look up at her, brushing my bangs aside. "It's been long, Marie." I sign the first page and for the first time, I add a heart.

            "It's okay, I would assume it's because you're famous now and—" She presses the book to her chest, and I fiddle with the marker in my hand.

            I cut her off, my chest growing heavy at the word. "—I'm not famous."

            "Theo, seriously." My eyes fall along with hers and she places a cold hand to my wrist. It eases my warm body. "I'm not mad."

            I pull away from her touch and hers still linger on the table. I don't understand what she means about being mad. But the truth is, she's referencing a few years back when we all lost contact. Behind her is an impatient person waiting on the line. Then behind her is another and another and another—

            "Are you free tonight?" Marie nods her head immediately as though she has been waiting for me to ask. Her eyes narrow down at the stack of books with my name printed on it.

            "Yeah, my flight back home is tomorrow morning."

            "Let's go out for dinner. We can catch up." I offer and her eyes light up in the dim room.

            "Sure, I am completely down for that." Security approaches us two and tries to usher her out so the line keeps moving. I tell him to give us a moment and Marie turns her back to him.

            "I'll text you. Around six?"

            "You still have my number?" Her voice ups a tone and jokingly, I roll my eyes.

            "I'll see you later." I nod and she walks away—her long hair following behind her like a shadow. Her Docs trotting in the clear path that exits the room completely.

                                                                        ~*~

            We meet at an Italian restaurant in town.

            I get there first and as I wait, I think maybe Marie bailed. Until I see her enter the restaurant with a gleam in her eyes, wearing a long black skirt and a white top that compliments her tan skin. I brace myself with a sharp inhale and wipe my palms down my dress pants.

            We hug and it brings me back to a moment of pinecones, grass, and the smell of the harbor from town. Our town.

            "I've missed you." Marie begins once we have a seat as though I didn't see her earlier today.

            I order us a bottle of white wine and as we wait, water is helping me loosen the tightness in my throat. At first, it's awkward because it has been so long, we haven't spoken to each other since college.

            "I missed you too." I let an ice cube sit in my mouth. "I miss everyone, actually." I've never admitted it and for some reason it slips out of my cold lips.

            "Yeah, I mean you have it easy though. You don't like in Port Jeff anymore." We pause and watch as our waiter brings two tall glasses and pour wine in each one. I thank him.

            I take a swig before placing it back down on the table. I change the subject.

            "What have you been up to?" I ask because I see what everybody is doing on social media. Marie has been awfully quiet on hers though. She finished school with a bachelor's of Biochemistry. She thought maybe teaching it would be fun until she realized how bad kids are these days.

            She sighs, "Ah, I don't know. I've hit a dead end. Once I graduated, I haven't been able to find a job so I'm still home running tables at Danfords."

            I laugh, "They let you return?"

            Marie rolls her eyes and takes a sip of her wine. "New owners."

            "Gotcha." There's a moment of silence and it holds off until the waiter returns to take our order. Marie hands him the menu books and when he walks off, I straighten the white tablecloth in front of me.

            "Have you been seeing anybody?" Marie wiggles her brows and my shoulders drop. I know she doesn't need to ask me the 'what have you been up to?' because she sees what I'm doing. She attended one of them and sees the others I post on social media.

            "No, not at the moment. I do fool around once in a while but where I am right now in my life...I don't see myself committing into anything serious." I scan the restaurant, seeing how busy it has become since we got here. "How about you?"

            She shrugs, "Been on some dates with a few guys from Tinder but no one really catches my eye. Especially since I match with a lot of our graduating class older brothers." I snort and she laughs, her white teeth glistening from the lit candle between us. "Em's brother."

            "Dear God." I drink some more and wipe the stain lipstick on the glass. Habit of keeping things clean.

            I haven't heard her name since we separated. The thing that ended all of our relationships.

            Marie realizes I have fallen into thought from how quiet I've become. She clears her throat and straightens the fork and knife on the table.

            "I really tried keeping everybody together." Her voice is small as though she's afraid someone will overhear.

            "I know." I say quietly in return. 

            "Everybody was being stubborn though."

            Taken aback, I look up at her, my bangs covering my eyes a little. "Not really. I wasn't involved. I wasn't even home."

            "Not you, Theo. I meant everybody else. Penny was the worst too. She just wouldn't shut up that night. I'm one-hundred percent sure that's what put everybody on edge."

            "Good," I make clear, trying not to sound rude especially since we are here to talk about good things. Not this. Marie's mouth shapes to an O and she closes it once she notices my stern look. "Penny had every right. Although I wasn't there, she didn't deserve it. None of it."

            Marie swirls her wine and watches the condensation drip down the glass. "Well Penny stopped caring for me, so I'm done with her anyways."

            Licking my lips, I want to fume but there is no need to. We are adults and mature and there is no reason to argue. Friendships come and go.

            Whatever that means.

            When our food comes, we eat in silence. Marie would glance at me once in a while, trying to catch my gaze as well. However, I stare down at my plate and wipe it clean with some bread. I dab it with sauce and chew for a few moments before swallowing.

            "It was really good to see you, Marie. Thank you for coming here." I truthfully say, giving a slight nod to her. "It really means a lot to me."

            Marie places her fork down and wipes her mouth with the napkin on her lap.

            "Does Rubies not fit your vocabulary anymore?" She jokes and my eyes widen in surprise.

            "Oh no, I love Rubies. I just felt the need to be proper and keep it as Marie." We all started calling her "Rubies" in high school. When she fell at Penny's  house after drinking for the first time. She got a bruise and it looked like a ruby.

            "I miss Rubies because nobody calls me that but our group." She finishes chewing her chicken and swallows. "And don't worry about it. I always supported you."

            I frown because of the way she is making me feel guilty. I kick my boot into my right ankle. Feel the pain on the same bruise that aches.

            "I knew you were, but I didn't have the heart to text any of you to be there for me. I didn't feel the need to with the way things ended. No one reached out to me when I wasn't there, so I took the hint that I wasn't cared enough." I feel my hands shake and my throat tighten. I grab the glass and finish the wine. "And so, I moved on."

            Marie stares me emotionless and I rub my lips together uncomfortably. I shared too much on what I didn't want to. She pushes her plate to the corner of the table and clasps her hands together.

            "I don't blame you. I think you deserve what you have right now. This popularity and money. You dreamed on it since you were a child and out of everybody—you are living.

            I place my napkin on the table, "You're acting as though I'm the bad guy."

            She shakes her head in protest, "I'm not. I wish I had the motivation you have. You know how to hold a straight face and be strong. That's what I liked most about you, Theo. You always took control and set our asses straight." We both laugh and it brings a spark between us. A hum escapes the back of my throat when I think about it.

            "I just got tired with the last one. I was already gone from Port Jeff and there was no reason for me to repair the things already broken."

            Marie zones out into the fire, watching the flame flicker it's last breath.

            "I should've taken over." She mutters until she blinks, and her eyes roll to mine. In a sudden change of thought, she grins, "It's not a big deal that I come to your book tour. I just took a day off from work. Besides, I'm saving my money to go to Hawaii in the future."

            Smiling, I let the waiter take our plates away. With enthusiasm I say, "That'll be fun."

            "Sure, maybe we all can go."

                                                                        ~*~

            Outside of the restaurant, we bid our goodbyes. Our hug lasts a little longer and I thank her once again before telling her good luck and safe travels. Neither of us move until we both agree to go our separate ways.

            I wish I had more to say but it's hard to rekindle a relationship that vanished years ago. As we all grew apart without realizing because one night, we all promised each other that we will still be in each other's lives.

            This is also why I hate being noticed. Because they all know what I'm doing right now and what they all are missing on. Because one day, I wished they all would be here with me—traveling to different states, drinking at bars, and flirting with men who offer to take us home.

            But to me, we stopped growing from the moment we all lost contact. We stayed adolescent because that's when we lost a bit of ourselves, the moment we all slipped away.

             Just like that, Rubies became a shadow. A constant reminder of what we could have done and failed. I failed Rubies and it will be something that will haunt me forever.

~*~

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