'Dear Hashley,
I don't think I need to confess my feelings to you anymore. At least, not on paper.

I know I stopped writing those entries about three years ago, but when I saw my diary in one of the boxes we started unpacking, I realised I needed closure. One of my professor talked about how closure can help you move on without actually forgetting. I guess that's what I've always been afraid of. To forget you. To live moments that you'll never get to live, like going to college, moving with your boyfriend, getting married, having a baby. I'm still trying to stop thinking like that. At university, we saw that people grieving should focus on what the person actually got to do instead of the contrary. Yeah, I am studying to be a psychologist, how ironic is that? The girl who refused to see one for so long, thinking it was useless turns out to be a student in psychology.

It's all thanks to you. This period of my life was the hardest, but I know that without you by my side, looking after me from up there, I would have never made it through.

I played your favourite lullaby in front of five thousand people yesterday. Three years ago, just thinking about it would have gave me a panick attack. It took me time, but I finally stopped trying to be the girl I used to be before you died and embraced the new broken-but-happy me. 

I am happy with me life now. I have been for a little while because I learned to accept that life is beautiful thanks to it's ugly parts. If no one knew pain, how could we know happiness? The ugly parts shine light on the beautiful ones and make us appreciate them even more, even the small ones just like picking furniture with your boyfriend as you are moving in together.

I know that wherever you are, you're looking down on me wondering what the hell I am doing. Sis, brace yourself because I intend to live my life this way, taking all the beautiful and unexpected turns I never would have considered three years ago.

I hope you're happy up there as much as I am down here. And I wish you would have realised that life is worth fighting for, even for the small beautiful parts as the ugly ones are always just temporary.

Lots of love,
Jade.'

I close my diary for the last time and take a deep breath. It feels like a weight as been lifted of my shoulders. I reach up to tighten my ponytail and get up, taking the diary with me. I don't want to hide it and eventually forget it even exists, I need to be reminded that I made it through. I walk to the empty bookshelves up against the wall of our small but cosy living room and place this first book on it. That way, it'll always be part of my life.

Just as I let go of a sigh, strong arms circle my waist from behind and my boyfriend rests his head on my right shoulder.

I put my hands over his, leaning on him. He kisses the side of my head before directing his attention back on the bookshelves.

"Was it hard saying goodbye?" he asks, his thumb slowly grazing the top of my hand.

"I don't know, it doesn't really feel like a goodbye. It is, on paper, but it will always be in a corner of my mind," I reply, contemplating the lonely book.

My boyfriend tugs on my hand and turn me around so that I am facing him. I wrap my arms around his neck and stare into his eyes. I can see the love he has for me, and it fills my heart with so much happiness, I almost want to cry.

"I love you," I tell him, putting as much emotion as I can in those three words.

He stares at me for a couple of second, a beautiful smile spreading on his face before he answers, "I'm so proud of you, Jade. I love you too."

I get on the tip of my toes to close the gap between our mouths, he kisses me before pulling away slightly and moving to the left side of my face to kiss me on the cheek. He gets closer to my ear, his breath hitting my skin and it sends chills down my spine as he whispers, "I could spend each second with you for the rest of my life I would still be craving more."

- The End -