Chapter 35 ~ Brain

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'The hearts beats an average of eighty beats per minutes. When we are near the person we feel attracted to, we can feel the rhythm double, making us uneasy and leaving us in some euphoric state. People say the heart wants what it wants, I think it's more complicated than that.

The brain wants what it wants. He is the one sending all the information to the heart, sending this adrenaline rush telling him to beat faster, as if he was urging him to make up for the lack of oxygen. The brain is behind the reaction of the heart. When your heart clenches at the thought of the one you lost, it's your brain remembering how much it hurt.

Sometimes I wish my brain would not remember all the painful things I went through, from my most embarrassing moment to my biggest loss. But if I did not remember all the bad things, how could I appreciate all the good sides of life? I would take them for granted, thinking that this is just how it's supposed to be.

There are a hundred ways a great moment could have gone wrong. And our brain is here to make sure we appreciate the good moment by reminding us of all the pain we went through to get there.'

I flip the cardboard sign of the door, indicating that the coffee shop is closed. Another half-hour and my shift is over. Another half hour and I'll be with Nathan. Another half hour and I'll do what's best for both of us.

A sigh escapes my lips as I walk back to the counter, lost in my mind. A couple of days have passed since Aaron and I talked at the hospital, and I still don't know how to act towards Nathan. We have exchanged a few texts, mainly to set the date and hour for our not-dating date. Not once I found the courage to talk about Liam, even when we talked at school, or when he drove me back home after last night's shift. Yet it's all I can think about, the words of Aaron playing again and again in my head; and the numerous times I saw Nathan and didn't know what was going are resurfacing.

I realize that in some way, I didn't want to know because hearing this meant shattering the new pieces of hope and happiness I had gathered during the past few months. It meant admitting that the world is a cruel place where happy endings are rare. It meant I could no longer act as if everything was fine.

"Are you okay?" Nina asks after Maggie, one of our coworkers, close the back door on her way to taking the trash out.

"Yes, I'm just stressed out with all the graduation stuff coming," I reply, trying to sound convincing. In all honesty, graduation is at the bottom of my list when it comes to the things that are stressing me out. Nathan and Liam are at the very top.

Nina stops sweeping the floor and looks at me with suspicious eyes. I don't know what it is about her but she seems to have some sort of bullshit radar. I'm not sure of how much she knows about Liam's situation, so I prefer to keep quiet on the matter.

"At the risk of adding to your stress, have you heard from Berklee?" She asks as she resumes her task and I'm glad she did not push it further.

I grab the cloth from underneath the countertop and start wiping, rubbing the coffee stains. After a serious talk, my parents agreed to let me pursue my dream of enrolling into Berklee music college. I was supposed to send my application a week ago, yet each time I was about to do so, I overthought and backed away.

"I may have left my application in the drawer of my desk," I say, a little ashamed by my hesitations. I wish I had my future figured out, with everything planned out and no risk of deviation. But life happens, nothing is set in stone and no plan successfully goes on without a few glitches.

"Jade..." Nina sighs, shaking her head as she keeps sweeping between to tables. "Don't tell me you want to work here for the rest of your life? You gotta have more ambition, young lady!" She exclaims just as the back door slams behind us.

Maggie, a woman in her mid-thirties, stares at the both of us with an expressionless face. That is the most you can get out of her in terms of emotion. I don't recall ever seeing her smile. Or frown. She has been working here for the past eight years, serving coffees to giggling teenage girls and impolite businessman every day. I can't picture myself doing this for the rest of my life. I look back at Nina who seems to be about to run away. Somehow, Maggie's lack of expression scares the shit out of us. We never know if she's finally going to react, and how strong her reaction is going to be.

"No offense, Maggie. I think it's-" Nina starts uneasy, definitely unsure of what's coming out her mouth.

"I don't care," Maggie interrupts her and sets the keys on the counter next to the door. "Don't forget to turn off the light this time when you leave." And with that last sentence, she removes her brown apron, tosses it in the laundry basket, grabs her black backpack and exits the shop without another look.

As soon as the door slams shut, I can't help but laugh at Nina's expression. She immediately joins in. I'm laughing so hard my stomach hurts. I enjoy this feeling, one I've been holding back for so long. When we finally stop, Nina takes the broom back and we both go back to our tasks, wiping our tears away.

"I was thinking about humanitarian missions," I let out after a few minutes, my eyes glued to the stained countertop as I await Nina's judgment.

It has been on my mind for a couple of months now. No. It has been on my mind for a lot longer than that, probably since the day Hashley died. I've only been considering it seriously for the past two months. One of the things that prevented me to move forward was that we used to plan our life after high school together, imagining what it would be like, with her on the other side of the planet and me at Berklee.

But we will never get to live those scenarios. I figured during my therapy session that I had to write new ones. At least I'm trying to. And what better scenario than sharing my sister's dream and accomplishing it for the both of us. Nina is the first person I'm telling. I never mentioned it to my parents, my friends or Nathan. She probably thinks I'm crazy, always changing my mind and incapable to settle on one final path.

"Where would you like to go?" Nina asks after a minute. I try to detect that judgmental tone I was expecting, but I can hear nothing but real concern in her voice. That's one of the things I like the most about her, she always seems genuinely understanding about people choice and reactions. I'm going to miss her. My tensed shoulders slowly relax and I swallow. Maybe I'm not that crazy.

"Africa, Europe, Asia, South America. Anywhere I can help to be honest," I answer with more motivation than needed. Somehow, I feel like this is some kind of approval that my plan is not delusional.

"That's great, Jade. How long do you intend to leave?"

"A year. Two at most," I say, my eyes set on her as I gauge her reaction.

She stops in her track and looks back at me with a small and sad smile on her face. None of us move for a few seconds as we stare at each other. She sets the broom against one of the booths and walks up to me, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug.

"I'm gonna miss you so much," she whispers in my hair. She pulls back and I notice her wiping a tear.

"Don't cry or you're gonna make me cry," I laugh, trying to contain my emotions.

She giggles and sniffs, "I can't, you're not even gone that I'm already crying."

"Who would have thought the smart and reasonable Nina could cry over something so silly!" I laugh and she shoves me playfully before heading back to the booth.

"I'm way too sensitive for my own good. It's just that you did so much for Aaron, for our family... It's going to be weird without you here."

"I have not even been living in this state for a year," I remind her and she snorts.

"Well to me it feels like we have been friends for a decade!" She exclaims and I laugh.

I wish everyone would react the same as she did. She made it so much easier for me. She doesn't know how much she and her brother did for me and my family.

"Did you tell Nathan?" She asks hesitantly, a worried look taking over the sad one she had a minute ago.

I pinch my lips together, looking away from her gaze. Nathan is like a brother to her, I understand her worry. She would probably not be so casual and cool about me leaving if she knew what was on my mind.

"No, not yet," I reply and she nods stiffly.

I'm not even sure I'll need to tell him after tonight's talk.

* * *

When I was younger, I often thought about what it would feel like to be in love with someone. How it would feel to give yourself to someone without holding anything back, and how it would feel to be happy with just your lover's presence. I tried to imagine it, based on what I read in books and what I saw in movies. I wanted to feel my heart full of happiness, have it erratics around someone, feeling the tingles on my skin right where that person would have touched me. For a long time, I wanted to be loved like all the fictional characters I knew were loved, with the slow-motion runs towards each other, the memorable date with hundreds of candles and a picnic in a treehouse under the stars and the epic kisses with the romantic song playing in the background. I didn't get any of that with Nathan.

What we had was so much better, simply because it was us. We had late night talks where you feel so comfortable with one another, surrounded in this weirdly calming atmosphere that is the night that you start telling some things you never thought you would have shared. We had the lame jokes and the embarrassing moments that made us laugh so much we couldn't catch our breath. We had the great kisses, with no romantic music but the sound of our erratic hearts trying to find each other. I wanted a book-worthy love. I got so much more. I found a life-worthy love.

Tonight felt like a dream. The lights, people laughs and conversations, children running around. I heard and saw everything that was happening around me, but it was like my brain was disconnected from my body. It felt like I was not completely there. Nathan and I went to that funfair in town, and although we are just friends, I couldn't help but grab his hand as we walked around, wanting to feel his skin on mine for what would be one of the last times. He let me, squeezing my hand multiple times throughout the night as if he was making sure I was still there. I was not.

And now that he pulls his car in the driveway of my house, I would do anything to go back to the moment I took his hand tonight. Nathan kills the engine and checks his phone for the fiftieth time tonight. I stare at him as he bites his bottom lip and his eyebrows furrow. I've been staring at him all night, finally understanding what is behind all this worry and sadness. Nathan looks up, meeting my eyes.

"Jade..." he sighs when he catches me looking at him with a closed expression. "I'm sorry, I-" he starts but stops to rub his face with his palms.

I take this as my cue to finally tell him what has been on my mind for the past three days. "I think we should end this," I say with the most neutral voice I can fake, motioning between us, "It's not working anymore, for any of us." I slowly breath through my nose, trying to contain any emotion. I don't want to break in front of him, I don't want to make this even harder for him.

Nathan stares back at me for a few seconds as the words that fell from my mouth register. He sucks in a breath just as if I had punched him. I want to grab his beautiful face with both of my hands and kiss him until he forgets the words that came out of my mouth.

"Jade...," he whispers again, taking my hands in his. The moment his skin touches mine, my resolve crumbles down just like the walls I had built around myself.

"We have to, Nathan," I whisper back, the lump in my throat making it difficult to talk. "It was meant to end like this from the beginning. This is just not the right moment for me to be in any kind of relationship. I can't lose myself in a relationship to get away from my demons, it's not fair to either of us. I can't keep dragging you to the bottom with me," my voice shakes on the last words as my eyes start to tingle with upcoming tears.

I look away from him and stare out the window, trying to contain myself to not make it even more difficult for both of us.

"Babe, if it's about what's been off with me for the past weeks, I'll tell you everything!" he says with a voice as shaky as mine. I glance back at him but the look on his face is too hard to see. His glossy eyes are glued on me, he seems so tired he looks like he is about to pass out from exhaustion. I'm still very aware of our intertwined hands resting on my laps, the touch sending electricity throughout my body. I have to swallow hard before I can mutter an answer.

"It's not. It has to do with my past and how it changed me. I know how selfish it sounds to make this about me, but I keep accepting everything you can offer me and I can't give you what you expect from me," I try to explain, doing my best not to lose my calm facade.

Nathan shakes his head and reaches out to cup my face with both of his hands, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. "I'm not expecting anything, I just want you." I can see in his eyes the sincerity of his words, and for a few seconds, I consider staying with him. But I'm not ending our relationship only because of me, I mainly end it for him.

"I can't even give you that when I don't know who I am anymore," I reply as tears slide down my cheek and onto my lap. "Just because I end things now doesn't mean I end the possibility of an "us" forever. I'm opened to a maybe, a perhaps someday. And I know it took me a while to figure this out, I tried to understand what was wrong with me, why I keep pushing people away. But I think I finally know why. I'm just not ready to find myself in a position where I have any kind of emotional connection. I have to figure out what it means to be alive in a world where my sister is gone."

And although it kills me to think about it, you will have too.

Nathan closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine, his hands still cupping my face. I close my eyes too, reaching up to hold his wrists, my thumbs grazing slowly on the back of his hands. We stay in the position a few minutes, trying to soak in what our reality has become.

It kills me to not be by his side through this hard time, but he chose to keep me away from it and I can only agree with him. I know him too well to know that he needs me out of his life to spend all of his time with his family. Nathan being so selfless, he would have kept on trying to find time for me even if I had told him to spend it with his brother. He wants to make everyone happy, to the point he will lose himself. And the last thing I want is for him to waste his time on me when his brother's days are counted. I can't be his distraction when his focus should be on his family.

Just like I often thought about how it would feel to be in love, I often thought about how it would feel to have my heartbroken. But after everything I've been through this past year, I never would have thought my heart could be more broken than it already is. I couldn't even imagine feeling heart-broken over a break-up as I feel like nothing can hurt me more than my sister's death. Yet, as Nathan pulls me in his arms for a last embrace, it hurts much more than I anticipated.

"I love you, Jade," Nathan whispers in my hair, holding me tight against him.

"And I love you too, so much," I tell him before pulling away and wiping his tears away with my thumbs. "But it's not enough, not for the moment at least."

I'm doing this for him as much as I'm doing this for myself. We rely on each other too much for our relationship to be healthy. We count on the other to make us feel better, to relieve us from our pain. But the thing is, I am the only one able to allow myself to feel better, and so is he.

Nathan nods and reaches out to touch my cheek, his thumb grazing upon my lips. "Do you think we can stay in contact? Not as friends, I'll never be able to go back at being just a friend. But as acquaintance maybe?"

I slowly shake my head. This would be too hard for both of us. Nathan lets go of the breath he was holding. "Goodbye, Nathan." I force the words out of my mouth and open the passenger door. Before I can get out of the car, Nathan grabs my hand and squeezes it lightly.

"Goodbye, Jade. I hope the person I'll choose to spend the rest of my life with will be as wonderful as you are," he says and I give him that small and sad smile he knows too well.

I wish it could have been me.

But we should love each other because we can, not because we have to relieve our pain. I close the door and walk up to the front door. Do not look back. I open it slowly, repeating those four words over and over inside my head. I look up at the sky, seeing those shining stars staring back at me. I look at Nathan, who is still staring at me, looking just as heart-broken as I am. This is the life-worthy love I can't keep.

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