‘Our life is a gigantic puzzle, a hundred million tiny pieces we have to put together one by one until the day we die. Each piece represent a moment in our life, a feeling, a word, an action. Whether the piece is important or not does not matter, they still add up to the pile we have to assemble to make sense of a bigger part of the puzzle.

And sometimes, we don't know the meaning behind a piece until we find the matching one. There will always be pieces that you don't want to assemble to the rest of the puzzle, pieces you'll find a hard time matching. But no matter how hard it can be, giving up on you masterpiece is the worst thing you could ever do.

Sure, you will never see the puzzle completed, no one ever completes it simply because life happens and it is always a bit messy when it ends, even if you think you had everything figured out. So gather yourself and put as many pieces together as you can, you can still get a good look at the unfinished picture you created and get some pride out of accomplishing so much, of connecting so many pieces.

But most of all, pride for not giving up on those difficult pieces you had a hard time matching.’

"Hey, Jade!" Nathan calls after me but I keep walking towards the bus stop, turning up the volume so that the music flowing through my headphones drown his voice.

We’ve been quite distant lately. He has had a lot of things to deal with that he won’t talk about. Actually, I didn't asked what it was. I was too busy trying to take in everything that has happened in the past couple of days, including the fact that my boyfriend knew about everything and hid it from me. I don’t think I’m mad at him. To be honest I’m more disappointed than angry. I trusted him with my life and now I regret it, maybe if we had taken things slower I would have known about the secrets sooner, before I utterly and madly fell for him. It would have probably not hurt that much, maybe I would have been able to call things off. But right now, I'm not sure I have it in me.

“What’s wrong?” Nathan asks when he finally reaches me, taking the headphones out of my ears.

I almost want to run. Actually, I was already sort of running/walking fast to the bus stop, but for my defense, it’s raining really hard. Nathan grabs my left wrist gently to turn me around. He doesn’t seem to mind the rain. He is completely soaked and he manages to be even more handsome with drops running down his face. My eyes quickly meet his before I drop my gaze to the ground but this split second was enough for me to catch worry in them. I can’t look him in the eyes without it confusing me, and I definitely don’t need this right now.

“Can we please do this another day? I have to help Hannah pack before she leaves with her mom to the airport,” I try to keep my voice steady and firm as I take a step back to put more distance between us.

“Do what?” he asks, his arm falling to his side.

“Nevermind, see you tomorrow,” I say with a forced smile and turn around, already walking back to the bus stop and hoping he will, for once, let it go.

“No, tell me,” he yells as he takes big steps to reach me and walk by my side, his arm brushing against mine. “Come on, I’ll drive you back home,” he adds, pointing to his car parked a couple of cars away from us.

Before I can give it a thought, his arm his around my shoulders and we both walk in the direction of his car. Once we’re both inside, away from the rain, Nathan turns toward me, his left hand on the steering wheel and the other one grabbing mine.

“You know you can tell me everything, right?” he says calmly though I can hear the tension in his voice.

“I wish you would feel the same way with me,” I mutter, dropping my chin to look at my knees.

“Jade…” he sighs in frustration, his right hand letting go of me to run across his face. “We’ve talked about this already.”

“Actually we didn’t. We’ve never mentioned you knowing about my sister when you first met me,” I object fidgeting with the hem on my shirt to avoid looking in his eyes. I know he can hear how hurt I am, and I don't want to see his face when it registers that he is the one who made me feel this way.

“I didn’t. I mean I did, but I didn’t know she was your sister.”

“Seriously? Do you think I’m stupid? We’re twins, Nathan. How come you’ve never put two and two together?” I argue, finally looking up to glare at him.

“Because I’ve never met her!” he hisses.

We still haven’t moved. Nathan didn’t even start the engine. We are just sitting here, the rain pounding on the car and making it difficult to talk without raising our voice to be heard. But right now, none of us is talking as we both get lost in our thoughts, trying to make sense of this enormous mess.

“What?” I break the deafening silence after a few minutes.

“Although Aaron used to talk about her all day long, I never saw what she looked like. I didn’t know until Aaron explained everything to me after that fight we had in the coffee shop. I didn't even know she was your sister until a few months ago. And he failed to mention you were twin sisters. I only knew about that when I saw the picture in your bedroom.”

“But why didn’t you tell me about it then?” I ask with furrowed brows, turning in my seat to fully face him.

“Because it wasn’t my story to tell! And even though Hashley is not here to tell it, I thought Aaron deserved to keep it for him until he was ready to share it,” he explains, his voice firm although his eyes tell another story.

“What about me, huh? Where do I fit in all this mess?”

I try to understand, I really do. But I can’t help thinking that if I had known everything when we first met, it would have made it easier for both of us. And it would have brought me closure in a way.

“You have always been my priority in all of this story. Everything I did or didn’t do, was for you,” his tone soften and so do his eyes, but for the first time since I’ve known him, his words don’t reach my heart.

They don’t generate this warm feeling and the butterflies in my stomach. I just don’t feel them like I used, because this time I know he hid and still is hiding things from me. How am I supposed to believe what he says when our relationship was constructed on secrets and omissions?

“All I ever wanted from you was honesty. I trusted you, you were the only person I felt comfortable enough to open up,” I say, my voice breaking at the end.

I can feel the tingles in my eyes as the tears are coming up. But I won’t cry, no. I’m stronger than that, I need to be. And I know that as soon as a tear will run down my cheek, Nathan will take me in his arms to comfort me and I will give up on my resolutions under his touch.

“You can still trust me. Always.”

“No, I can’t. Not when you’re still hiding things from me and I can’t be a hundred percent sure you are honest. Trust goes both ways, so if you don’t trust me enough to tell me everything then don’t expect me to do so. Now, I have to go,” I state and turn to open the door but Nathan quickly leans over me and takes my hand away from the handle.

“Jade, please," he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I add as I shy away from his touch.

“Damn it, Jade! Do you even know what it was like for me?” he interjects.

“I don’t think you want to go down that road,” I warn him but he doesn’t care.

“Oh, I do. I have kept my mouth shut to not make things worse for you.”

I instantly freeze at his words. What could possibly make things worse? I’m not even sure I want to know at this point.
“D-did you cheat on me?”

“What? No, I would never do that. I just- you seem so quick to forgive Aaron when he clearly did some bad shit and you’re mad at me for being on your side? Why can you forgive him and not me?” he asks throwing his arms in the air.

“I did not forgive him. I don’t know if I ever will. Aaron is not part of my life. But you, you are my boyfriend,” I answer.

“You don’t even know everything,” he mutters under his breath, shaking his head.

“Oh God, is this ever going to stop?” I say to myself with exasperation.

“You should talk to him.”

“Did you listen to me? I don’t want an explanation from him, I want it from you,” I insist although I’m pretty sure I don’t want it at all.

“He did things way worse than you think,” Nathan pauses as if he was trying to find where to begin with. “Do you remember Amber?”

“How could I forget. I nearly lost my job because of her,” I say and he nods, biting his bottom lips. After a few seconds of silence, he breaks out, “Yeah, well turns out she had other motivations than getting you fired.”

“What do you mean?”

“After you went back home from that talk you had with Aaron, he stopped by my house to explain some things to me and apologize. He told me that when he saw you and I were getting closer, he explained to Amber his version of the story with your sister and told her he didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. This was an opportunity for her to get another chance after we broke things. They both agreed she should try to win me back so that you would back off and stay away from me,” he finishes his sentence with a deep and tired sigh.

I don’t say anything. It just seems so twisted, I always thought this only happens in movies.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry about that,” Nathan continues, his eyes never leaving mine. “She would text me every day, she would sometimes wait for me after school on the days you were working. I tried my best to keep her away from you and I but I guess they had other plans. One day, after I drove you back to your house from work, I found her at my door and when I asked her to leave, she got frustrated and tried to kiss me. Of course, I pushed her away. Aaron said he was sorry for encouraging her and that he will tell her to stop. Turns out she was only doing this because he promised her I am only dating you to get over her.”

“Are you?” I ask with a small voice. It’s the only thing that I seem to be able to say right now.

“Seriously? How can you still ask me this question? Of course I’m not!” he exclaims.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… everything is a big mess, okay? And my life keeps being turned upside down like a freaking snow globe!” I half-shout before taking a deep breath to calm myself down. “I think we should slow things down a little. Between us. I need time and space, and as much as it hurts me to admit it, maybe we should take a break.”

The look on his face breaks my heart. All I can see in his eyes are fear and hurt. I almost wish I could take those words back, but I know he needs time and space as much as I do. We both have things to deal with and maybe some time apart will help us be better together when we find our way back to each other.

“I understand but no,” he shakes his head and places a hand on my lap. “I don’t want us to take a break because I know how it ends up. And I don’t want to lose you.”

“Nathan… I’m at a point in my life where I can’t promise you anything,” I tell him softly before turning away and getting out of the car.

I couldn’t bear to look at him, I know it would have killed me.

* * *

“Is someone home?” I yell as soon as I close the front door behind me but all I’m met with is silence.

I glance at the clock on the dining room to see that I’m forty minutes late. I missed Hannah’s departure to the airport.
Great.
I take the steps two-at-two and barge into my room. Maybe if I’m quick enough I can grab a taxi and be there before she leaves. I rummage through my purse to find some cash and drop it back at the foot of my bed.
I’m about to open the front door when I notice a sticky note on it.

‘Sorry we couldn’t give you proper goodbye hug, we had to leave earlier. Next time, you’re the one who comes visit.
I already miss you, Hannah’

I take the note from the door with disappointment and shove it in my pocket. I grab my laptop from the coffee table in the living room and walk up to the kitchen. I take a seat at one of the stool and decide it’s time I catch up on my homework. I need to keep my mind busy, away from the disaster that is my life and focused on school. I have just started the essay on the Victorian Period for my history class that is not due for another week when my phone goes off.
I’m tempted to just ignore it but it could be important. I take it from my bag and Hannah’s name is flashing across the screen.

“Hey! How come you’re not on the plane already?” I ask, tucking the phone between my cheek and my shoulder to finish typing a sentence on my essay.

“Our flight has been delayed, we’re not leaving for another hour and a half,” she answers with a sigh. “I just realized I forgot a black backpack in your bedroom, under your bed. Would you mind dropping it off to the airport?” Her voice sounds a bit jittery and I know Hannah can get nervous when something unplanned comes up.

“Sure, I’ll be there in about half an hour,” I reply and end the call, sliding from the stool and heading to my room.

It’s been a good six months since my parents and I moved here, and I still have unopened boxes piled next to my bedroom door as well as some hidden under my bed. Most of them are full of Hashley’s things or items I shared with her. And I will continue to ignore these boxes until I’m capable of thinking about my sister without my eyes watering.

I look for the backpack for a solid fifteen minutes, opening every drawer et every closet door but it is nowhere to be found.
I kneel before my bed and lean until my face is almost resting on the wooden floor, my cast pressed against my chest as my good arm feels around between the boxes until I find a couple of black backpacks. They are almost identical, and I didn’t even remember I owned one until ten seconds ago.

I remove the fluff balls from both of them and open the first one, which only contains broken headphones and a cap. I open the second one which contains much more: notebooks, clothes and hair tools. Well, to be more accurate, there was some clothes and a bright red bra. But what surprises me is the phone laying on top of the everything. I reach for my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and check my call history. Hannah’s name and number show which means she called me with her cellphone. Who’s phone is that then?

I’m usually not noisy, I mean, this bag obviously doesn’t belong to me so it’s none of my business what’s inside. And still, I take the cell phone and turn it on. I have this weird sensation, one I had quite often lately: I can feel my stomach tighten and my head spine a little. The phone immediately says “insert SIM card”, and that’s when everything clicks together.

I quickly stand up and rush to my desk. I open the top drawer and pull out my diary which contains Hashley’s letters. With shaky hands and a dry mouth, I open the letter accusing me, the first letter I read when I thought I would find peace with her words but was dragged even deeper in my despair and sorrow. I open the second letter, the one that helps me heal a little more each time I read it. I place both sheets on my desk and stare at the letters, my eyes shifting from one to the other. This handwriting, the one I thought I would recognize among hundreds and that belonged to Hashley.

My heart is pounding so hard in my chest, I feel like it might come out any second. I can hardly breathe, my lungs seem to have forgotten how to work.
I didn’t notice.
The handwritings don’t match. It is slightly different from a letter to the other. One is inclined, quite sharp whereas the other one is a bit more curvy and bigger. I reach for the note in my pocket and lay it flat between the two letters. My hand comes to my mouth in disbelief, shaking so hard.

No, no, no.

My legs give up on me and I fall to the floor. I reach for the bag and empty the whole thing on the floor. A brown jewelry box falls from the backpack and I take it and open it to reveal half a dozen SIM cards. I pick one and insert it in the phone. I don’t want to know but I desperately want to at the same time. I figure out the password quickly as it is Hashley and I’s birth date. This is it, it’s almost as painful as the day I found Hashley in her bedroom. I take a weak shaky breath and open the text application. There are tons of messages: pictures, threats, insults.

This can't be true.

Bile rises in my throat. The phone falls from my hand a couple time as I take in the nightmare Hashley had to go through. I switch the SIM card for another one, making several attempts before finally inserting it into the slot. The texts are as awful. My hand is shaking so bad I can barely read them. I also see that Hashley received many calls in the middle of the night.

All of this makes me sick. I manage to stand up although I can’t feel my legs and rush to the bathroom to empty the content of my stomach, gripping the edge of the toilet to steady myself. I sit on the cold tiled floor, my head resting against the wall. My brain has completely shut off as I stare ahead of me at the white wall.

Hannah killed her.