Chapter 20 ~ Control

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'I used to have a perfect control over myself. My emotions were something I could hide so nobody knew what was tearing me apart.

But things happened, and everything I had under control became incontrollable.

My life was planned. I had prepared every single detail of it, from the college I would enroll in, to the age I wanted to get married.

But we can't have control over everything. Because life is full of unpredicted events that will turn it upside down.

So I let go, I let everything go the way it wants to go and I learn how to deal with it.

We can't have control over destiny, because destiny controls our life. Who can claim to know what will happen tomorrow ?'

I'm sitting here since I can't remember. All of my thoughts are jumbled together, none of them make sense. But I don't even try to think straight.

The sun has risen up now, I can see it enlightening the room through the window of the hospital room. The sun is high in the sky, spreading sunbeams everywhere.

I know my parents came here, but I didn't talk to them. Not that I was asleep, I haven't closed my eyes since Nathan left. I just didn't want to. Because I would have been obligated to tell them why Hannah is here. To tell them that I'm the one to blame for this.

But I just want to keep it secret a little longer, just a few more hours before they change their vision of me.

The phone vibrates for the fifth time in two hours. All those calls are from Nathan, but I don't bother picking up. I don't have anything to say to him, or to anybody. I glance at the phone when the screen lights up again, indicating that I've received a text.

I read this text, like I did with the twelve texts I received earlier. I expect the same threat Nathan sent for an hour, saying that if I don't call him back he will come here to check up on me. But this text is different, there is no threat.

Nathan : I'm on my way.

I put the phone back on the table and take Hannah's hand.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as the door opens slowly.

My mother enters and closes the door behind her. As soon as our gaze meet, I turn my head and stare at the window.

"Jade, look at me," my mother pleads as she takes a sit on the other side of the bed.

I gather all the strength I have left and shift my eyes to look at her face. She looks tired with the bags under her eyes, and her fair skin.

"Honey, you should get back home. Your father and I will wait here until Hannah's mother arrives. Her plane should land in four hours, so go and get some sleep," she says in a gentle tone.

My eyes shift back to Hannah and I grip her hand harder.

"She's fine," my Mom reassures me. "I'll stay wi-" she starts but a soft knock interrupts her.

I immediately recognize his light brown hair and my heart starts to beat faster and louder. I can see my mother looking at me and a little smile forms at the corner of her lips. I instantly release a breath I didn't know I was holding and I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"Hello, Mrs. Levinson," Nathan awkwardly breaks the silence, his hand buried in his pocket.

"Hello Nathan," my mother replies, her smile never fading.

I stare at the both of them in shock, and my voice seems to have reappeared.

"Y-you know each other ?" I ask with a croaky voice.

"We met earlier, your father was home and I was buying a coffee when I saw him sleeping in the waiting room," my mother explains.

"Oh, but I thought you were at home..." I say to Nathan with furrowed eyebrows.

"I didn't want to leave you alone until your parents were here," he mumbles, blushing slightly. "I guess I just fell asleep... I-I think I'm going to go grab something to eat. You want something ?"

"No, I'm good," I smile, as my mother shakes her head no.

Nathan takes an awkward step towards the door and glances one last time at me before stepping outside. 

"Nathan !" I call as the door is about to close. "Thank you."

Our gaze meets again and he winks at me before disappearing. I know my mother studied every word and every look we exchange. I know the smile tugging at her lips, I used to see it every time I tried to hide something from her.

"Both of you are together, aren't you ?" She asks bluntly.

I don't hear any anger in her tone, nothing but curiosity. I knew she wasn't against my relationship with Nathan, only my father is stubborn about that.

I sit cross-legged and push away from my face the strands of hair escaping the messy bun I made earlier.

"I think so, I mean we... we kissed yesterday, but then all of this happened. And we haven't talked about it so don't get carried away," I deliver before releasing a loud sigh.

Mom chuckles and slowly shakes her head.

"He makes you nervous, I can see it when he is around. The way your breath quicken slightly. The way you seem to want to jump out of your chair and run straight into his arms. And you can't help but smile when we mention his name. Honey, all I want is to see you happy, and Nathan makes you more than that," she says, standing up and walking to me. "So be more than happy Jade. If someone deserves that, it's you." She whispers in my ear as I hug her tightly.

"Thank you, Mom," I say and kiss her cheeks.

"Now let's find Nathan so he drives you back home, you need some rest. I'll stay with Hannah until her mother arrives." She tells me and I look up to Hannah before exiting the room.

She'll be fine. I'll be fine.

* * *

Being alone with my thoughts is dragging me down. I feel like I'm in an unbreakable circle : when I finally find peace, my past catches up with me, my dark thoughts come and crash everything inside of me. Then I somewhat find a little piece of heaven that gives me hope that one day, although the pain will still be here, I'll feel better. I'll learn how to live with the pain.

Nathan is my little piece of heaven. I don't know how he does that but he is the only one who's able to push away all the hurtful thoughts. Just seeing him makes me feel better.

"You're sure you're okay ?" Nathan asks as I open the front door of my house.

"Don't worry about me, you should go back home. You seem so tired, I wonder how you still manage to stand on your feet," I say, taking one of his hand.

"I could say the same thing about you," he smiles and takes a step forward. "You're sure you don't want me to come in ?"

He doesn't give me the time to answer, his mouth is already covering mine. His hands are cupping my face as he gives me soft peaks.

"I... No...Yes...I'm...Sure," I try to speak clearly between the kisses and my clouded mind.

I feel his smile against my lips as he gives me one more kiss before pulling away.

"Okay," he sighs, his hands still on my cheeks. "Call me if you need anything."

I nod and enter the house. I wave him goodbye as he starts the engine, and finally close the door behind me.

My back is resting against the door and I stare at the empty place. I have no memories in this house, but the frames hanging on the walls, the pictures placed on the sideboard, all of them remind me my old life. And I don't want to remember it.

I run up to my room and shut the door behind me. I can feel the memories coming from the back of my mind, slowly making their ways so they are now blinding me.

I can't bear it anymore, I have to do something. I have to let them resurface and stop fighting them. Each time they come back, stronger than ever. And one day, they'll completely destroy me.

I grab a pillow on my bed and throw it to the floor. I take the bedside lamp and throw it against my bedroom door. I throw everything, the little snow globe on my nightstand, the books on my shelves, the empty boxes next to the door.

My mind is full of memories of Hannah, of Hashley, of my parents. I need to let them out.

I slide my arm on my desk, sending everything to the floor. There's only one thing left untouch. I'm about to grab that frame when strong arms circle around my waist.

"Let me go! Leave me!" I scream but he only tightens his grip.

I struggle, trying to reach the last thing there is to break. But my feet aren't touching the floor anymore, Nathan lifts me in his arms.

"Get out!" I scream again but he doesn't listen.

Instead, he sits on my bed with me on his laps. I hit his chest repeatedly, telling him to leave me alone but he holds me in place. I slowly calm down, breaking into tears.

"I-I just..." I start but the sobs make it difficult to speak. "Everything is my fault."

"No, it's not baby," Nathan whispers in my ear.

"Hannah is stuck in this hospital bed because of me. I-I shouldn't have texted her," I say, my face buried in his neck.

Nathan doesn't say anything, waiting for me to go on.

"I sent her a text when she was driving and the car headed for a tree. They told me when the accident happened and I checked the time when I sent her the last text. It's me, Nathan..." I explain, my voice breaking at the end.

"No baby, she was the one driving, not you. She shouldn't have read your text while driving but she did. You didn't know where she was or what she was doing. Nothing of this is your fault," he says, his hand stroking my back.

I don't say a word, and take a deep breath to calm my sobs. I don't know what to think anymore.

A faint gasp escapes his mouth and I pull away, looking at him with confusion. But as soon as my eyes meet his, I know exactly what he saw.

"Is this-" he starts, his voice barely audible.

"Yes," I interrupt before he has the chance to continue.

I stand up and walk up to the desk. Only one thing is still standing on it. I take the frame and glance one last time at the picture before turning it so it faces the desk.

"I don't want to talk about it, I'm not ready yet," I say and make my way back to Nathan.

"O-Okay," he says, in shock with his eyes still wide, and takes me in his arms.

We both lay in my bed, my head resting on his chest and his arms around me. I feel like I'm in a safe place, where nothing can touch me. Because he is here.

My sobs have finally stopped. I don't want to be weak, I don't want Nathan to comfort me every time I break down. Because I don't want to be this sad girl anymore.

I want to move on, to be free from all the pain. I just want to be happy again. And the hardest part is to let her go.

I know that someday, I won't cry because of the memories I have left of her, but I will smile at how beautiful they are.

Of course, the pain will resurface each time I'll think about her, but I'm sure that with some time, I'll manage to make the happiness of those memories resurface even more than the pain.

And I know my family suffers from her loss, but none of them suffer as much as I do. Hashley was a part of me, and she took this part when she left.

She was the most important thing in my life, she was my favourite person. We had a special link, that only a few people have.

Because she wasn't only my best friend, she was my sister, my twin sister. We were looking exactly alike, only our family and Hannah could tell the difference between us.

He saw the picture of my sister, Hannah and I. And I know I have to explain everything to him now that he is part of my life. But I'm not ready to admit it aloud, because it will become real. I still have a hard time admitting to myself the fact that I will never see her again. How could I talk about it? It has only been a hundred and eight days.

"How did you know?" I ask, getting closer to him.

"You forgot your bag in the car. And since you weren't answering the door and left it unlocked, I came in so I could drop your bag and leave. But I heard you and..." he explains, his finger slowly raking up my arm.

"Oh..." I simply answer, shivering under the tips of his fingers.

Minutes pass and my eyes begin to feel heavy. For the first time in almost four months, I don't dread sleeping. I know I'll finally sleep peacefully because Nathan is holding me.

"Stay," I say in a breath before my mind disconnects from my body.

"I will never leave you," I hear him answer before I drift off to sleep, with a smudge smile plastered on my face.

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