'Selfishness is something I've always tried to avoid. I used to think that I wasn't selfish since I was putting people's needs before mine.

But selfishness isn't only about that, it's also about our actions and our needs. We do what seems to be good for us, but what about people surrounding us?

We often think about the repercussions of our actions once we've accomplished the selfish act. But it's too late, somebody has already been hurt.

The thing with selfishness is that no matter what we choose to be, selfish or not, people will suffer from our decisions, whether it's ourselves or the others.'

My parents haven't spoken a lot to me since our fight. I assume my mother didn't say anything to my father about my little meeting with Nathan and I'm thankful for that. I know she doesn't see things like my father, but she will never admit it.

The only words escaping her lips were when we got home after she caught me lying, when she asked me to never see him again and told me she would keep my phone for a week. I didn't even answer and went to my room without acknowledging her.

It's been three days since I last talked to Nathan. As much as I want to see him, hear him and touch him, it feels wrong. I think I begin to understand my parents' reaction, the way they feel towards Nathan even though they don't know him. They aren't scared that I end up with a broken heart, they are scared that if Nathan ever hurts me, I won't be able to resurface. They are afraid of one and only thing : that I choose to put an end to my life, like Hashley did.

But I won't. I won't let that happen again because I'm not Hashley. We may have a lot in common, but selfishness isn't one of them. Because what other adjectives could describe suicide if not this one? She did it without a second thought, she did it without thinking about the consequences. The only thing she thought about was the relief she would feel once her life will be over. Did she once think about her family before taking those pills? Did she think about me? About Hannah? I don't know what pushed her to do that but I know she didn't think about us, because if she did, she would have never put the pills into her mouth.

I close my diary and throw it across my bedroom. I hate this day because she isn't with me. I hate her for leaving me behind. I hate myself for hating her. I've always heard that there was a thin line between love and hate, and I think I'm standing right on it.

My bedroom door swings open to reveal an excited Hannah, almost running towards my bed. I try to fight the urge to go hide in the bathroom and fake a bright smile, fake happiness to hide the pain caused by the hole in my chest.

"Happy birthday !" She shouts jumping on my bed, next to me.

She places a small box between the two of us, grinning like if this was the best gift - or prank - she has ever done. I eye her cautiously before taking the box.

"Thank you, Han, you're the first to wish it to me," I say. "I swear if this is one of your not-so-fun pranks I'll put that box and what's inside down your throat," I threaten her with a smudge smile.

"Well, be prepared for any eventuality," she laughs and puts a strand of hair behind her ear as I roll my eyes. "What do you mean I'm the first one? It's almost three in the afternoon and nobody wished you a happy birthday except me ?"

"I know, it's pretty sad," I try to jock but the look on Hannah's face makes me want to hide in the bathroom again. "It's fine Han, really," I smile and hand her the paper I found this morning on the kitchen counter.

I woke up all alone in this house. Hannah sends me a message telling me she had a few things to do and my parents left this note. Hannah reads the paper and gives it back to me, wincing. I take the note and glance one last time at it.

Happy birthday, Honey! We're so sorry we can't be here today, but we'll make up for our absence once we'll be back, probably in two or three days.
We love you.
Mom and Dad.

I won't complain about their absence because even though I don't approve my parents' actions, I understand them. I toss the paper in the trash and report my attention on the box in my hand. If Hannah wasn't sat next to me, I'm sure she wouldn't be able to stop jumping. This girl is even more excited about this day than I am.

"Open the damn box !" Hannah says, moving so she is now sitting in front of me.

I shake my head and tear the blue paper wrapping the light box. I open it and stare at what's inside.

"Your jocks are usually better," I state as I take her phone from the box, handing it to her.

She sighs and pushes it back to me. I don't need her phone, I'll have mine back in a few days.

"Open the last text I received," she says, almost suffocated by her impatience as I tap on the text.

Unknown : Hey, happy birthday! Since you definitely can't spend your 18th birthday alone, I will pick you and Hannah up at 7 tonight. Don't ask questions, I promise it's not a twisted plan or anything.
P.S : You can't cancel.
Nathan.

I look up from the text and stare at Hannah.

"No," I simply say, give her the phone.

"Why?" She exclaims and looks at me like if I had grown a second head.
I ignore her question and stand up, heading towards my bedroom door. I hate surprise, it's just too stressing. I like to have everything plan, everything going as I expect it to go.

I hear Hannah's footsteps as she follows me downstairs. I stop dead and turn back.

"I don't like surprise," I just say before turning away.

"Wrong excuse," she states and grabs my shoulders so I face her. "Jade, stop being a control freak! Loosen up! Plus, he says you can't cancel so if I have to tie you up to the back seat of his car with all the seatbelts, I will."

"I won't come, Hannah," I sigh, looking at her with pleading eyes so she just drops it.

"Oh yes, you will! I didn't wait three hours in that coffee shop for nothing !" She exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. "And I can tell you're not saying the truth, stop biting your lip."

I quickly release my lower lip and look at her with confusion.

"Wait for what ?" I ask her.

"Nathan. The bartender told me he comes here every morning so I waited for him. I wanted his phone number so you could talk to him until you get your phone back. Maybe I unintentionally told him it was your birthday," she shrugs, leaning against the kitchen wall.

"Oh... Thank you, Han. It doesn't change the fact that I won't come but thanks. I already have plans anyway." I say and sit at the kitchen bar.

"Liar, you're just nervous about seeing Nathan. Could my best friend be in love ?" She says, widening her eyes and putting her hands over her heart.

"I'm not in love with him," I scoff, ignoring half of her comment.

I can't love somebody I barely know. We never talk about our life when we are together, most of the time our discussions are about school, our friends or even music. I truly appreciate Nathan, but I'm not in love, I can't be. I can't deny the fact that I'm attracted to him, I mean who isn't? That hair, those eyes, those lips, just thinking about him and I'm almost drooling. But attraction isn't enough for me.

"Maybe but you are nervous !" She squeals. "I've never seen you nervous for a boy !"

Maybe I'm nervous, but just a little. Okay, I'm really, really nervous. We left things awkward last time we saw each other. We nearly kissed, and I wasn't ready for this. I'm still not ready. But when I'm near him, my mind seems to be completely disconnected from my body. How could I think straight when I can't even think?

The last thing Nathan told me kept replaying in my mind.

One hour with you isn't enough.

This simple sentence haunts my nights and days. And as much as I want to see him again, I'm afraid of what will happen if I ever let him get close to me, because I won't be able to stop anything.

"I feel a little nervous, okay? We left things... awkwardly." I begin, pushing my brown curls away from my face. "I don't know how to act when I'm around him. It's just... embarrassing," I sigh and put my head in my hands.

I hear Hannah's footsteps as she walks closer and puts her arm around my shoulders.

"Just be yourself," she whispers and pulls away, heading towards the stairs. "Just wait here, I'll be right back," she winks at me before disappearing.

Why everybody wants me to be myself? I don't know who I am anymore, I'm not the same person that I used to be. The incident broke me, destroying every part of myself. I can't be myself if I don't know who I am.

I stare at the clock above the sink, my fingers drumming against the cold counter in a frenetic rhythm.

Tic, I'll go.

Tac, I won't go.

Tic, I'll go.

Tac, I won't go.

"Close your eyes," Hannah says, her voice tearing me out of my thoughts.

I groan but do as she said, turning towards her with closed eyes. I hear her searching something, the paper ruffling under her touch. She puts a large box, at least I think it's a box, in my hand and orders me to open my eyes.

I slowly open my eyes and crinkle my nose, afraid that this is one of her jocks. But the open black box in my lap dismisses this thought.

"Tell me this is not what I think it is," I groan again.

"This is not what you think it is," she laughs.

I take the soft fabric out of the box and stand up from the barstool. I extend my arm and admire the cloth, Hannah eyeing my expression closely. The strapless black dress is pretty, really simple and without eccentricity, exactly what would suit me.

"This is exactly what I thought it would be, but I love it, thank you," I say, hugging Hannah with one hand.

"Okay, so we have about three hours left to get ready before Prince Charming comes and picks us up. We better hurry up, because there's a lot of work" she commands, eyeing me playfully.

"I'll act like if I didn't hear anything," I retort, taking her hand and leading her upstairs.

* * *

I stare at my reflection in the long mirror of the bathroom. Hannah insisted on doing my makeup and my hair. I wasn't allowed to see what she was doing to me until it was done, which scared me a little. But she did a perfect job.

My hair is up in a twisted, weird bun that somewhat looks really good, a few strands of curly hair escaping and framing my face.

My makeup is really understated, barely noticeable. That was what scared me the most when we were getting ready. Hannah wears a lot of makeup, which is not really my case. But the result is beautiful, bringing out my blue eyes with the bronze eyeshadow and the thin line of eye liner. My lashes are long and thin, widening my eyes. She insisted I wear waterproof makeup, saying we never know what could happen. My cheeks are a little red, but Hannah didn't use makeup for that, my nervousness is enough to make me blush. I can still recognize my reflection, there are no major changes. I am just a better version of myself.

I take a step away from the mirror and admire the dress Hannah offered me. I never wear dresses, I feel uncomfortable and naked when I wear one. This is exactly how I feel right now, but I must admit that the dress is very pretty and fits me quite well. The bustier dress clings to my body from my chest to my waist, and flare until it reaches my knees. The black fabric contrasts with my fair skin, making it look even better on me.

One last glance in the mirror and I grab the handle of the bathroom door.

"Hannah, you're the best !" I began smoothing out my dress. "We just have to find the right shoes an-" I stop abruptly as I look up and take in the scene before me.

Hannah is sat crossed leg on my bedroom floor, her head bowed and her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Beside her lay my diary and an open envelope, Hashley's letters.

I take a step towards Hannah, my legs trembling under my weight. When she finally looks at me, her red eyes are full of tears, her cheeks wet and stained with black marks.
Her lower lip shudders as she tries to refrain her sobs.

"I..." she begins with a broken voice, unable to finish her sentence.

Another sob shakes her body and she puts the letter aside, on my diary. My legs give up on my body and I fall next to her. I take the paper and read it again, the emotion being as strong as the first time.

The second letter, the one I haven't read yet, is still in the envelope. I didn't have the strength to open it, I'm still overwhelmed by the words of the first letter, and it has been a month since I first read it.

"Have you... Have you read both?" I ask, my voice shaking at every words.

"No," Hannah whispers, shaking her head. "I'm s-sorry Jade. I shouldn't have d-done that, I didn't know she would b-blame you in that letter."

The grief in her voice wreck me, even more than I already am. Right now, all I want to do is burn that letter. But it would mean burn the closest thing I have left from Hashley.

I scoot over her, my sight blurry from the tears threatening to spill. I wrap my arms around her and stroke her back, regretting I haven't put away the diary instead of throwing it earlier. What she's feeling right now is exactly what I wanted to spare her from. I failed again, like I failed to comfort her after Hashley died. I have been selfish, I have been lost in my own pain, not thinking about the others. And the only time I tried to protect someone, I failed miserably.

Minutes pass, and I hold Hannah tightly until her sobs stop and her breath slows. She pulls away and takes a deep breath, wiping the tears off of her face.

"Okay," she breathes, standing up. "Nathan should be here in half an hour, just enough time to fix your hair and makeup."

I admire her, the way she can get the upper hand on her emotion is something I envy. I give her small smile and let her work.

Once she's finally done, she looks at me from head to toe and nods in approval.

"You're beautiful!" She exclaims before taking her purse and her coat.

"Where are you going?" I ask her, frowning.

"I need some air. Tell Nathan I'm sorry but I can't come," she says, putting on her coat.

"But Hannah you have to come with me, I can't spend my birthday without you," I plead.

"You'll be alright. I'm still here for a week so don't worry, we'll have plenty of time together," she smiles, shoving her phone into her purse. "Call me if you need me, I have Nathan's phone number so if there is anything wrong, I'll call you."

"Okay," I sigh, disappointment filling my voice.

"Have a happy birthday Jade," she says before closing my bedroom door behind her, leaving me with deal with the weight of the abscence of my two closest friends.