Chapter 13 ~ Forget

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'Forgetting is one of the hardest things. The more we will try to forget about something, the more we will remember about it. It will stay there, etched in our mind. We usually want to forget about our mistakes. But if we do, how will we be able to remember to not do them again?

Forgetting is a dangerous thing, because each memory forgotten is a little hole in our mind, a little part of ourselves that is lost. We forget ourselves, who we are with all of our memories whether they are good or bad.

What if I ever forget about her? Who will remember her?'

The sun is warming the room through the large window. I think about nothing yet I can feel the thoughts rushing in my mind. They are going too fast, making it hard for me to read them. So I stay here, with an empty mind, looking at the particles dancing in the sunbeams.

I love coming here, the peacefulness in this room is just what I need right now. I can't bear to stay in the cafeteria anymore, seeing all of those people with their friends is too painful. I miss mine, Hannah with her sarcastic remarks and her weird sense of humor, and Hashley...

The realization hits me, hard. I haven't thought about her since yesterday.

No...

This can't happen, I can't forget about her. I rest my chin on my knees, pushing my food trail away, next to my books.

I must not forget about her, I have to keep bringing up the memories I have with her. It hurts as much as seventy-four days ago, the pain never weakening. And knowing that I forgot about her for almost an entire day hurts as much.

Tears threaten to spill, again. I must be one of the weakest people on the earth, always crying. But this is the only way I found to let my pain go away, like if each tear was holding a bit of my grief.

After a little while, I pull myself back together for the hundredth time and focus back on my homework. I pull out my headphones from my bag and put them in my ears. The familiar melody drowns my mind, blocking my thoughts and finally making it possible for me to concentrate.

Absorbed by my mathematics exercise, I unconsciously hum the melody and my fingers start moving to press the invisible keys of a piano. I jump when one of the headphones is pulled out of my ear and a hand is resting on my shoulder.

"I knew you would be hiding there," Nathan says, sitting beside me.

I look up from my book and smile at him. But the moment our eyes meet, Nathan frowns. He pushes himself closer, taking both of my hands in his.

"What's wrong, Jade?" He asks, concern clear in his voice.

I shake my head and whisper a little 'nothing' before looking away. I can't keep complaining to him. He is going to think that I'm weak, which I am. But I don't want anyone to see it.

"Jade, look at me. Don't lie, I already told you I wanted you to be honest with me. And by the way, you're the worst liar I ever met," he chuckles, searching for my gaze.

"I can't tell you," I whisper, letting go of his hands and turning away.

I retrieve my belongings and put them back in my bag. As I pick up my notebook from the floor, a few sheets fall from it. I quickly pick up Hashley's letter and the sheets before Nathan can see them.
But when I look at him, I can see the confusion on his face as he looks at the paper between his hands. I make a move to take it back but he moves away.

"Play... please play, for me," he breaks the silence, finally handing me the sheet music.

I stare at the paper, unable to take it. I haven't touched a piano for so long, not since her funeral. And the last song I have played is the one he is holding. Her favorite song. She would beg for me to play this song, over and over. I don't need the sheet music to play it, I know it by heart.

"I don't have my instrument," I lie, taking the paper and putting it carefully back in my notebook.

He walks towards the window and takes off the sheet covering a beautiful grand piano.

"No more excuses. I know you play the piano. Each time we come here you look at it like if you were itching to touch it," he tells, coming back towards me.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the piano.

"I can't. I can't play this song, I-" I started, distraught.

"Then don't play it. Play whatever song you want, I don't care. Just play, Jade," he softly whispers, taking my face in his hands to calm me.

"O-Okay," I whisper back.

My hands are now shaking of apprehension. I sit before the piano and slowly lift my hands. One more glance towards Nathan and I finally touch the keys.

The first note echoes through my whole body. The sensation is wonderful, my hands are now flying across the keys, filling the room with melodious notes. Even though it has been a long time, my hands still remember every key, every movement, like if I have never ceased to play.

I can feel Nathan's eyes on me. A few month ago, I would have blushed and stopped playing. I usually feel ill-at-ease when people listen to me and most of the time, I press the wrong key because of stress.
But today, everything is different.

I close my eyes, wanting to feel each key that I press. I didn't know how much I missed playing the piano until I touched it.

The last note resonates, making me come back to reality. Nathan sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulders.

"That was breathtaking," he whispers.

I lean against him, taking a deep breath.

"When was the last time you played ?" He asks. He presses a few keys, creating an awful sound.

"It was about two months and a half ago," I answer, my throat tightening under the emotion.

"Well, it was like you've never stopped to play. That is pure talent," he replies, tightening his grip.

"No, it's not. I mean everyone can learn a few notes, I don't have any talent," I say, embarrassed.

"I don't agree with you. Anyway, why did you stop playing ?" He inquires, moving so we are now facing each other.

It reminds me of her. Each song that I play is a song that she loved. She is the one who pushed me to keep playing when all I wanted to do was to drop. She is the one who helped me to practice and told me to learn all those songs. Each song holds a memory of both of us.

"I- I couldn't keep playing... Not after sh- she left," I stutter, my voice breaking at the end.

"Shh..." he comforts me, catching an escaped tear.

Nathan takes me in his arms, apologizing over and over. But it's not his fault if I am too weak to get over this.

"Thank you, Nathan. For everything," I say, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I didn't do anything yet," he replies, a smile tugging at his lips.

"You did more than anyone ever did."

And with those last word, Nathan kisses my forehead before letting me go.

"Play for me again, please," he says with a little smile, taking my hand and putting it on the keys. 

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